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  #1  
Old 07-09-2009, 11:44 PM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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Default when things go awry

Well, I talked with *him* about strengthening our relationship and then opening it up to other people and well, it did not fly. I have developed feelings for him, and him not for me. I don’t think he is really polyamorous, actually. I think he just wants multiple people to have sex with. This is a total bummer to me. I put myself out there, and allowed myself to be vulnerable and the sky fell on me. Now, I am more convinced than ever that I am polyamorous, and now truly alone once again – loving many, but none here to share the experience with me.

A part of me would like to continue the sexual relationship with him, and a part of me is over it and would like for my life to go back to what it was before. I would definitely miss those fun times with him, and am disappointed about the possibility of not having the future to fulfill so many of our “plans”. I wish we could go back to the way things were before.

I have no regrets for opening up my heart, however. It feels great to love.

What are you to do when things go awry??
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Old 07-10-2009, 02:15 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Sorry to hear this..I'm sure you will find what you want. We are always learning

Take care
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Old 07-10-2009, 02:28 AM
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DestinyWaits DestinyWaits is offline
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I woulld have to say that the only thing to do is what I have had to do in the past when things didn't go as I thought they would or should in a relationship such as this...pick yourself up, go shopping (even for an ice cream cone) and just sit there and watch the world around you, you will soon realize just how big the world is know that this is just one person out of many, out there somewhere is someone else wanting the very thing we are needing and when you least expect it they will find you. In the mean time...enjoy the ice cream cone and laugh outloud!!!
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Old 07-21-2009, 10:07 PM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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Hello everyone - I hope you are all doing well!
I have another update regarding the relationship this post is about.
After the conversation I had with him, I decided that I simply was not going to put up with a "friends with benefits" situation, and I decided that I would not contact him again. This is how I find it is easiest for me to regain some connection with how my life was before, and it allows me to heal and move on.

Well, what happened was he called me and asked to talk. I guess he felt that he did have feelings for me after all and was actually willing to commit to a relationship with me. I decided to take him back, so to speak. However - he is on a trial probation! I won't tell him this because I need for him to follow through on several ACTIONS that will prove to me that he is serious and that he is expressing more than just words.

Things on this list include: Taking me out on a real date, changing the status on his dating profile, following through with actual plans in the future, showing affection freely, staying honest with me, refraining from entering into relationships with other women for the period of time we discuss (discussion still to come), and generally treating me with respect and kindness.
Some of these things have happened, some I have yet to see... although time will tell for sure.

I am very proud of myself for listening to my gut and for defining and sticking with the boundaries I created for myself in relationships.

I am all for taking things slowly - which is why we have not yet had a "down to business" discussion about our currently exclusive relationship and the future of poly in our lives.

To be honest, this shook me up, and I need to reestablish trust and comfort in him and us before I can move forward again. I guess you could say that we are taking 1 step forward, 2 steps back as far as poly goes at the moment. I really need the foundation of trust and respect that can only be proven through action and time. Hopefully, everything will go smoothly! The truth is I really look forward to these adventures with him!

Just thought I would fill you in on what is going on now.

Peace.
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Old 07-21-2009, 10:44 PM
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Congrats and good luck. Trust is a very important issue in any relationship, I hope you find that trust in him again, and that he is deserving of it.

Some people say that "testing" someone, especially when they don't have the criteria of the test, is wrong, but I have to disagree. If a person knows what you want, they might give it to you to get what they want. To see if someone truly would react certain ways in certain situations, it has to be a "blind" study. So with science, so with people.
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Old 07-21-2009, 11:26 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redsirenn View Post
"friends with benefits" .
This is totally unrelated and I'm not judging anything, but there is something about that label that makes me totally cringe, feel threatened and actually mad...I definitely need to process this one day. It is a very primal feeling. Kind of like trying to read the Ethical Slut LOL!
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Old 07-21-2009, 11:48 PM
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Mono - I agree, I have the same reaction. For a while I thought I could do that, but realized that I do not find satisfaction in that type of situation. Eventually something deeper is needed for me to sustain sexual relations with someone. Plus, It is just sooooo much better that way anyhow!
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Old 07-21-2009, 11:55 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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I used to be very jealous of those that can approach sex so casually because I thought I would be able to myself. I have no doubt I have some pretty big issues with open sexuality and a very annoying habit of forming opinions of people based on their own approach...undoubtedly I am threatened in non-monogamous social environments.

We all have work to do in one area or another!

Now I will stop sidetracking this thread
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Old 07-22-2009, 12:27 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
This is totally unrelated and I'm not judging anything, but there is something about that label that makes me totally cringe, feel threatened and actually mad...
Quote:
Originally Posted by redsirenn View Post
Eventually something deeper is needed for me to sustain sexual relations with someone. Plus, It is just sooooo much better that way anyhow!
Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I used to be very jealous of those that can approach sex so casually because I thought I would be able to myself.


I never thought of "friends with benefits" as being "casual" at all. I have had sex with some of my best buddies, and "casual" is the last thing I have thought of it as. Just the opposite in fact. These were people that I had spent up into the night talking with for months or years, who I had seen in and out of "relationships" and them so vice-versa with me... some were roommates at one point... etc. So I don't think you folks who are squeamish about "friends with benefits" have the scoop or inside track what it's really all about; although when I was with those individuals, the term "friends with benefits" hadn't been coined yet. so maybe it does mean something other than the way I always thought it did.

Edit: my husband is my best friend (of the human species at least) and I have sex with him, so does that also make him a "friend with benefits". It seems that he has more benefits than any other - including health insurance.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 07-22-2009 at 12:34 AM.
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  #10  
Old 07-22-2009, 12:39 AM
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I think the term "FWB" has just as many meanings as any other relationship terminology. For some, FWB is sharing the emotional love in a physical way with your friend. This is the ideal that I share, but most of my friendships are the deep kind. For people who have "thousands" of "friends" (acquaintences in my book), FWB might be a much more casual thought where it is more the physical action without the emotional background to it. (sorry for the assuming generality)

FWB seems to have become just a label for someone you can have sex with that you are not in a romantic relationship with. (my $0.02)
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