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Old 05-24-2013, 02:53 PM
DBannister DBannister is offline
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Default Fledgling quad a little rocky

My wife Luisa and I are in a closed quad with another married couple, Scott and Lynn. All members are bisexual.

Scott and Lynn are new to polyamory (we introduced them to the concept after really hitting it off with them). Everyone seems to be doing the work, communicating clearly, learning everything we can...all good.

Except Lynn and I seem to have connected far more deeply than any other dyad in the group. Scott is trying very hard to cope with his jealousy feelings and has been great about communicating his feelings openly with all of us. Luisa has fallen for Scott pretty hard, but he hasn't developed the same feelings in return.

Currently I'm trying to help Luisa deal with her feelings of exclusion jealousy (she is upset her love isn't being returned while mine is), and not exacerbate whichever flavor of jealousy Scott is feeling. They both know their marriage is as valuable to us as our own...we even take the kids so they can have alone time.

I know Luisa and Scott are working through their feelings and committed to the group...but I still have this gnawing fear that if any part of the quad isn't working, the whole thing could fall apart and leave Lynn and me pretty broken-hearted.

Is there anything I can/should do besides loving them both and letting them have time and space to process?
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Old 05-24-2013, 03:20 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Now that your initial group sex excitement has been and gone... you're experiencing the most common issue with quads or triads. Two people connect and the 3rd and/or fourth members do not. You can't force feelings.

BTW, if Scott is new to poly, it's nothing unusual to see him feeling jealous about his wife loving and sexing another man. It's possible his jealousy about his wife being with you is preventing him developing romantic feelings for your wife. Or, he just might not be into her.

Without knowing more about your whole situation, it's hard to give advice. Are you and your wife experienced at managing poly relationships? If you were, I'd say you've already thought about having you and Lynn cool it for a while so she and Scott can work on their own stability. Going at the pace of the one who is struggling the most is a common recommendation.

You've set up a complicated dynamic, if all of you are bi

You and Luisa
You and Lynn
Luisa and Scott
You and Scott
Scott and Lynn
Scott and Lynn and Luisa
You and Scott and Luisa
You and Scott and Lynn
You and Lynn and Luisa
Lynn and Luisa
All 4 of you together

If you and Scott aren't clicking (you don't say), if Scott and Luisa aren't clicking, I'd say eventually you should open the quad, you and Lynn become SOs, and Scott and Luisa find their own OSOs. If, that is, Scott agrees to his wife exploring poly with you. Oh, I could go on and on about the complications here!

Time for lots of communication about needs, desires, fears.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 05-24-2013 at 03:28 PM.
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Old 05-24-2013, 03:55 PM
DBannister DBannister is offline
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Thanks Magdlyn!

Scott and I are clicking as much as we need to. We've discussed our relationship and it sits where we both want it...less than romantic, more than sex.

Luisa and I do not have experience managing poly relationships, but we have all agreed to cool everything back to the pace of the struggling relationships. To be honest, it's excruciating for Lynn and me...I need to figure out how I feel about that...but it's not completely positive.
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Old 05-24-2013, 05:18 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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How long have you and Luisa been with this couple? Did you go out "hunting" for another couple, or were you friends first and the attractions just started happening?

Time to go back to the drawing board.

The viable matchups right now are

You and Scott
You and Lynn
You and Luisa (I assume)
Scott and Lynn (I assume)
[Lynn and Luisa?]

If it HAS to be that all 4 are equally or nearly equally attracted to each other, good luck with that! I mean, what are the chances? Will you all settle for less than 100% lust and love going in all directions 24/7? If Luisa's feelings for Scott are unrequited, will she pull the plug on the whole dealio? If Scott can't "share" Lynn with you, will he pull the plug?

Polyamory does not mean group sex or group marriage. Poly is loving more than one. It doesn't guarantee triads, quads or more are perfectly balanced forever.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #5  
Old 05-25-2013, 02:40 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Maybe a closed quad in which everyone is supposed to be involved with everyone else, and no outside relationships are possible, isn't the best model. Why have you chosen it, exactly? It puts a LOT of pressure on all of these various combinations (as Mags articulated them) --

You and Scott
You and Lynn
You and Luisa
Scott and Lynn
Lynn and Luisa

-- and if any one of them is operating unevenly, or at a pace that's hurting someone's feelings, then it holds the ones that are naturally flourishing better back, causing even more hurt feelings... yeesh, yeah, that just seems bound for failure, considering that no two relationships EVER proceed at exactly the same pace or in the same way. Maybe some are going to end up being sexual, some are going to end up being friendships, some are going to end up being passionate romances, and some are going to end up being unrequited situations where it's better to just back off. That's life. You can't make the success of one relationship dependent on the success of another, that's just not reasonable, fair, or workable.

By making the quad closed, you make the success/failure of each relationship a way bigger deal, because if one person finds that they're not getting what they need/want within the quad, they can't seek out those things elsewhere... all they can do is withdraw or implode the whole thing.

Let these relationships take whatever shapes they're each naturally trying to take, and loosen up your structure... that's the best advice I can give. Good luck!!!
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The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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