Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 05-23-2013, 05:25 AM
DJasper DJasper is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 3
Default I thought I was mono, now I'm just confused.

Hi there! I'm just looking for some advice here, and I know someone will be able to help. <3

4 years ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years. I started a relationship with my husband, and married him eventually. We've been happily married for 3 years this coming fall.

My husband came out to me as being poly, and I was so upset. It caused a lot of fights, and me feeling threatened. He kept telling me that he loved other girls. I told him that wasn't okay and I told him that I couldnt share him. I couldnt wrap my head around it. I was scared he was going to cheat on me.

*Note, I was raised in a very religious household, and every holiday is "sit around the table and bash the gays!" or "discuss the sexual sins of others" so, of course, I've been of the mindset that it should be a closed relationship between two people. (Don't care what gender!) My parents never found out about my ex being the same sex as me. I'd also like to have kids in the future, and I have huge qualms with more than 2 parents in a household. (Even though my hubby hates kids and never wants them ever. )


My ex is currently in a relationship with a man whom she loves very dearly. She was my very best friend, and I have thought of her every day. (even though I was the one who broke off our relationship) After my husband and I's fight over him thinking he's poly, we rekindled our relationship. Moreso, she felt that I needed her, and invited me into her home and we hung out like old times. (Playing games, watching movies, drawing, goofing off as usual!) We have been emailing back and forth every day since I left. She confesses that she still has feelings for me, and she flirts with me even still.

I told my husband about all of this flirting. I just felt like it was cheating (even if I never did anything) and he told me to relax and enjoy myself. My husband states that he doesn't feel "threatened" by her, because she isn't male.

I have started to find myself daydreaming of being in a kind of "friends with benefits" relationship with her, and I'm so disgusted with myself. Especially since I had just recently gone off on my husband and how I felt so insecure and like I wasn't good enough if he needed to love more people. My ex says she isnt too sure about her gender, and would like to practice some more "male" roles, but she can only be strictly female in her current relationship. I want her to use me to fill out her male fantasy, but I don't want to cheat on my husband.

I have thought maybe I could compromise, and that maybe (if my husband was interested) he could find a same-sex partner. (I can't tolerate him being with a woman. I don't know if I'm just insecure or what, but I really don't even want to share him at all-- and i know that's totally a double standard, so I'm trying to be kind of open minded here! ) And I just don't know if that's a good idea? What if I mess something up? I love my husband and I don't want to lose him over some stupid fantasy that I have. At the same time, I think it'd be really fun to enjoy the fantasy.

I never plan to share a partner or have my husband share a partner with me.
So, I'm mono as far as I know and I'm just confused and feeling guilty and tearing myself apart because I feel like nothing but a cheater.

Help? ;u;
Thank you!
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 05-23-2013, 05:47 AM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 369
Default

I have started to find myself daydreaming of being in a kind of "friends with benefits" relationship with her, and I'm so disgusted with myself. Especially since I had just recently gone off on my husband and how I felt so insecure and like I wasn't good enough if he needed to love more people. My ex says she isnt too sure about her gender, and would like to practice some more "male" roles, but she can only be strictly female in her current relationship. I want her to use me to fill out her male fantasy, but I don't want to cheat on my husband.

I have thought maybe I could compromise, and that maybe (if my husband was interested) he could find a same-sex partner. (I can't tolerate him being with a woman. I don't know if I'm just insecure or what, but I really don't even want to share him at all-- and i know that's totally a double standard, so I'm trying to be kind of open minded here! ) And I just don't know if that's a good idea? What if I mess something up? I love my husband and I don't want to lose him over some stupid fantasy that I have. At the same time, I think it'd be really fun to enjoy the fantasy.

I never plan to share a partner or have my husband share a partner with me.
So, I'm mono as far as I know and I'm just confused and feeling guilty and tearing myself apart because I feel like nothing but a cheater.

Hi DJasper,

It always makes me laugh when people say they don't feel threatened because someone is a different gender to them. Would you really feel less threatened if your husband was with another guy? My lesbian relationships have been far more intense, far more emotional, more sexually fulfilling than any heterosexual relationships I've had - yet each male partner has felt unthreatened by a woman.

I think you have to tread carefully here.

If your husband has come to you and admitted that he is polyamorous, then he is polyamorous. Burying your head in the sand isn't going to make him monogamous. Forcing him into monogamy is going to be just as painful for him as him forcing you into polyamory. It's not a case of you not being good enough for him. It's a case of him understand how *his* heart, body and mind works and realizing that to feel fulfilled, he needs more than one partner, or needs the freedom of opportunity. He's telling you that he needs something. I'm not saying you have to give him what he needs. But you can't ignore it.

I never dreamt in a million years that I'd be poly. I have always been vehemently against cheating after growing up around a large amount of infidelity. When I was about 23, I was in a long term relationship with my then-boyfriend. I met a girl, on a business trip, who I had intense, amazing chemistry with. My boyfriend suggested I start dating her (because she's a woman, so he wasn't threatened). I was poly for around 6 months, before feeling that I had to choose one person and choosing her.

Then, I met my current girlfriend, who was vehemently against monogamy. If I wanted to be with her, it would be polyamorously. This opened my eyes to a completely new lifestyle - one that I am now completely in favour of. But yes, it does come with challenges.

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't jump into anything with your ex. Your husband is likely chomping at the bit to start something up with another woman (or women? who is he in love with?)

I would see what you think you can manage. If you want to try the open relationship route, I would read a lot, together. Come up with some guidelines, together. Know exactly what to expect of each other. You could try the polyamory lifestyle for 6 months and agree to decide from there.

I cannot answer this question for you. I do feel that if you decide to fulfill your fantasy with your ex, Karma will come back to get you and you will have something to deal with down the road. I do also think that if your husband is already in love with someone else, if he's poly in his heart, you cannot stop or ignore this. You have to decide on something productive.
__________________

Me: (30f) open poly
GF: (40f) My long-term, long-distance partner

Metamours:
Hubby (37m): GF's husband
Garcon (27m): GF's submissive



“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 05-23-2013, 08:05 AM
DJasper DJasper is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 3
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
I have started to find myself daydreaming of being in a kind of "friends with benefits" relationship with her, and I'm so disgusted with myself. Especially since I had just recently gone off on my husband and how I felt so insecure and like I wasn't good enough if he needed to love more people. My ex says she isnt too sure about her gender, and would like to practice some more "male" roles, but she can only be strictly female in her current relationship. I want her to use me to fill out her male fantasy, but I don't want to cheat on my husband.

I have thought maybe I could compromise, and that maybe (if my husband was interested) he could find a same-sex partner. (I can't tolerate him being with a woman. I don't know if I'm just insecure or what, but I really don't even want to share him at all-- and i know that's totally a double standard, so I'm trying to be kind of open minded here! ) And I just don't know if that's a good idea? What if I mess something up? I love my husband and I don't want to lose him over some stupid fantasy that I have. At the same time, I think it'd be really fun to enjoy the fantasy.

I never plan to share a partner or have my husband share a partner with me.
So, I'm mono as far as I know and I'm just confused and feeling guilty and tearing myself apart because I feel like nothing but a cheater.

Hi DJasper,

It always makes me laugh when people say they don't feel threatened because someone is a different gender to them. Would you really feel less threatened if your husband was with another guy? My lesbian relationships have been far more intense, far more emotional, more sexually fulfilling than any heterosexual relationships I've had - yet each male partner has felt unthreatened by a woman.

I think you have to tread carefully here.

If your husband has come to you and admitted that he is polyamorous, then he is polyamorous. Burying your head in the sand isn't going to make him monogamous. Forcing him into monogamy is going to be just as painful for him as him forcing you into polyamory. It's not a case of you not being good enough for him. It's a case of him understand how *his* heart, body and mind works and realizing that to feel fulfilled, he needs more than one partner, or needs the freedom of opportunity. He's telling you that he needs something. I'm not saying you have to give him what he needs. But you can't ignore it.

I never dreamt in a million years that I'd be poly. I have always been vehemently against cheating after growing up around a large amount of infidelity. When I was about 23, I was in a long term relationship with my then-boyfriend. I met a girl, on a business trip, who I had intense, amazing chemistry with. My boyfriend suggested I start dating her (because she's a woman, so he wasn't threatened). I was poly for around 6 months, before feeling that I had to choose one person and choosing her.

Then, I met my current girlfriend, who was vehemently against monogamy. If I wanted to be with her, it would be polyamorously. This opened my eyes to a completely new lifestyle - one that I am now completely in favour of. But yes, it does come with challenges.

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't jump into anything with your ex. Your husband is likely chomping at the bit to start something up with another woman (or women? who is he in love with?)

I would see what you think you can manage. If you want to try the open relationship route, I would read a lot, together. Come up with some guidelines, together. Know exactly what to expect of each other. You could try the polyamory lifestyle for 6 months and agree to decide from there.

I cannot answer this question for you. I do feel that if you decide to fulfill your fantasy with your ex, Karma will come back to get you and you will have something to deal with down the road. I do also think that if your husband is already in love with someone else, if he's poly in his heart, you cannot stop or ignore this. You have to decide on something productive.

Great points!
If you don't mind me asking, what are some good "guidelines" that I should maybe choose to set, or think about? I haven't decided on what I'm going to do yet. ( The last thing I want to do is make him be something he's not. If he were gay, I wouldn't want him to stay married to me- no matter how much I love him!!)

Thanks
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 05-23-2013, 12:59 PM
Juukia Juukia is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 3
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by DJasper View Post
Great points!
If you don't mind me asking, what are some good "guidelines" that I should maybe choose to set, or think about? I haven't decided on what I'm going to do yet. ( The last thing I want to do is make him be something he's not. If he were gay, I wouldn't want him to stay married to me- no matter how much I love him!!)

Thanks
Honestly, the main (and pretty much only) guideline for me is regular STD tests. I think the suggestion to try the polyamorous lifestyle for awhile was a good one; only your own heart and mind can tell you what you feel comfortable with, and if you feel like it's an awesome way of going about relationships, all the more power to you! ^-^
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 05-24-2013, 01:16 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,373
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by DJasper View Post
If he were gay, I wouldn't want him to stay married to me- no matter how much I love him!!
I find that interesting, since you also said:

Quote:
Originally Posted by DJasper View Post
I have thought maybe I could compromise, and that maybe (if my husband was interested) he could find a same-sex partner.
What's up with that?
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 05-24-2013, 06:16 AM
DJasper DJasper is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 3
Default

Hey there! Can definitely see why that was confusing.

I just meant that if he were gay/poly/transgendered/whatever that I'd want him to go and be happy with what makes him happy. (Be it another man/ multiple relationships/ changing his gender) I was also referring to "if he were gay" and thinking he'd want to be mono, instead of wanting to be with me and also a man.

Hope I cleared that up for you!
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 05-24-2013, 03:42 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,724
Default

Besides safer sex practice, STD screenings for all, condoms for PiV sex, since there's lesbian activity in the mix, you all need to decide if gloves and dams are needed.

Other boundaries are related to time management. How often do you both see your other lovers? Will there be overnights? Sex in the marital bed with others? Weekends away, or other vacations with the OSO(s)?

And learn to deal with this ridiculous issue of which gender your partner can fuck. I think it's the stupidest thing ever, but it's so common. Drives me crazy. Pet peeve.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 05-25-2013, 03:00 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,233
Default

So, he says he loves other girls? Like, specific girls? And he's in love with them? Or does he mean that he just is attracted to other women? This seems like an important thing to clarify.

You already know that the religion you were raised in doesn't have all the answers, since you found that you could love someone of the same sex as you and that that wasn't wrong. Now you need to accept that that religion was wrong about monogamy being the only ethical choice too. Poly is not cheating. That's not to say that poly people don't ever cheat, but by it's nature cheating means breaking the rules. If your "rules" say that it's ok to be in multiple loving relationships as long as you're honest about it with all involved, and you do that in a respectful way that takes into account the needs of all involved... you're not cheating. Simple as that.

Your husband isn't a bad person for wanting poly, and you're not a bad person for fantasizing about your ex, any more than you were a bad person for being involved with another woman. Being a "bad person" has to do with causing harm to others, and if you're not causing harm and people are still telling you you're bad, it's just plain old prejudice, whether it's against polyamorous folks or LGBT folks, or whomever. More than two parents can raise a child and screw up the child, just like two parents can screw up a child, OR they can do a great job, just like two parents can do a great job -- what matters is the love and commitment of the people involved, there is nothing inherent in the fact of having more than two parents that is bad for a child, plenty of interviews with people raised in polyamorous households have confirmed this... again, thinking otherwise is just prejudice. Work on wrapping your head around these thoughts before you do anything else, or they'll keep tripping you up. There are some great 101-type writings here that may be of use to you -- www.morethantwo.com

The next thing to work on is the gender thing. You say you'd maybe be ok with your husband being with another man, but do you have any reason whatsoever to think that he is interested in men? If not, then that's a patently ridiculous thought. On top of all that, your ex is experimenting with their gender, and who knows, might end up eventually identifying as male... would your whole "we can see other people but only if they're of the same gender" plan fall apart when it comes to your ex then? Or would it still be ok because they'd lack a penis? What if they got surgery to create a phallus? In case it wasn't clear, what I'm trying to do here is point out how silly it is to base decisions on who a person is allowed to date on gender. Love is love and sex is sex, and I would think that someone who's bi would understand that. Give this issue some serious thought before you try to institute any "same-gender-only" policies, especially since that doesn't seem to be what your husband wants, and instead would just cater to your desire to be with your ex and be a way for you to get what you want without him getting the same.

Work these thing through, and talk to him some more. Apologize for going off on him, to start. Let him know you need some time to think about things. Read other people's stories, read essays, really learn about poly. Then decide if you might be ready to open up your relationship in a fair, open, honest way (and honest means EVERYONE is honest, including your ex... hopefully she's told her other partner about the flirting you two have been doing!).

Good luck!
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 05-25-2013 at 03:02 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:42 PM.