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  #11  
Old 05-22-2013, 05:21 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I've had a number of relationships in my life, some mono, some poly. So far, my relationship with my married girlfriend Gia is the longest lasting, at 3.5 years and counting.

Imagine if you were a young teen entering the dating world for the first time and asking us if traditional dating can work. Yes, it can. Does that mean your particular relationship will last forever? Well, frankly, no, most don't, especially not first relationships. But you have a shot, same as anybody. People often say variations on "Poly is Relationships 201," meaning you already need to have a strong grasp on the fundamentals of relationships... honesty, communication, respect, time management, etc... if you want to succeed at this more complex version of it. Something to keep in mind. In the end, experience is the best teacher.

Best of luck!
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #12  
Old 05-22-2013, 05:33 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Another thing you tend to read about the bad things on a message board.

No one wants to read me post about.:

Murf is coming over this afternoon to eat dinner, spend time with me and the kids watch TV, talk, make passionate love to me, and spend the night.

People only tend to post the bad not the good.
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Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #13  
Old 05-22-2013, 05:41 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
^ Beautiful
thanks, you're not too shabby either

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LadySFI, if you pay attention you'll notice some similarities between the multitude of train wrecks available to peruse on this site. You will see that people are lying to each other, being possessive and controlling, and withholding critical communication. Now, run through your extensive memory banks and reflect on all of the monogamous relationships which were effortless and flourished under these conditions.

Couldn't think of any? That's because relationships between possessive, controlling, passive (aggressive) people tend to have TONS of drama and end with a bang (which is what you see on these boards). The key to any relationship is for everyone to be honest, respect each-others independence, and speak up when you feel you have something you need to share. Most people know that intuitively, even though they rarely seem to behave accordingly.

One other thing - a lot of the "trainwrecky" stories involve people who are looking for "advice" about how to get someone else to change their behaviour to suit the person posting the question. This can be anything from "my partner is an insensitive prick who cheated and when i found out he said "oh it's because i'm poly" what should i do" to "we are poly but our primaries won't let us spend the night together or eat in restaurants where someone might recognize us, what should we do". Then people will basically say that you can only control yourself, not other people, at which point the person will start 17 new threads asking the same question different ways hoping to get the answer that is the magic bullet and not have to actually confront their own life.
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  #14  
Old 05-22-2013, 05:49 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Another thing you tend to read about the bad things on a message board.

No one wants to read me post about.:

Murf is coming over this afternoon to eat dinner, spend time with me and the kids watch TV, talk, make passionate love to me, and spend the night.

People only tend to post the bad not the good.


Not necessarily; it's just that the happy/everyday stories are either in Life Stories & Blogs, Fireplace, the "How are you doing" thread, and the "poly vignettes: sharing success and happiness" thread.

No one is going to post a thread that goes, "everything's going great. Anyone have any advice on how to fuck up my life?"
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  #15  
Old 05-22-2013, 05:57 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
No one wants to read me post about.:

Murf is coming over this afternoon to eat dinner, spend time with me and the kids watch TV, talk, make passionate love to me, and spend the night.
Yes, this is why I'm having a hard time keeping up with my blog. Moonlight and I have been together for just shy of a year, Punk and I are going on two, and Fly and I have more than seven. There's not really a ton of NRE anymore, and we seem to have gotten most of the poly kinks worked out, so now it's just real life stuff. Who cares that I made quiche for dinner and Moonlight and Fly had a glass of wine and discussed baseball while I cooked, and Punk just headed out on another business trip and unfortunately we didn't manage to get together for a movie while he was home like we hoped? Kiddo went to overnight camp, one of the cats keeps having hairballs, I need to go grocery shopping, I had lovely sex with Fly on Sunday, naughty sex with Moonlight last night, and I'll probably sleep on my own tonight because I could use a good night's sleep. Riveting stuff, here!

Regular, normal, stable, everyday life is pure bliss, but it's not very interesting to post about on an internet forum.
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- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
- Punk, married guy, poly, FWB since 9/2011 with an emphasis on the "F"
- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy), and his 9-year-old son Kiddo
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  #16  
Old 05-22-2013, 07:07 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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My monogamous marriage ended after 17 years. Did it not work? Or did its longevity, despite its end, mean that it did work?

My current relationship (a Poly V - I'm Mono and one of the arms (legs?)) is going into its third year with everyone. It's work, but it's respectful and good.

I don't know how to measure whether or not a relationship works, but my relationship with my partner is working. It has hurdles, but they're not insurmountable, and yes, our relationship with each other is wonderful. I think that's the key to any successful relationship, regardless of configuration.

Summary: Don't worry too much about the configuration of the relationship as a measure of success. Look at the people in it.
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  #17  
Old 05-22-2013, 07:15 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
My monogamous marriage ended after 17 years. Did it not work? Or did its longevity, despite its end, mean that it did work?
Agreed, longevity is a really crappy gauge for deciding if a relationship is "working" or not.

People tend to over-focus on "keeping the relationship together". Making appropriate adjustments to a relationship because the people in it have changed is a perfectly natural and healthy progression. Ending a relationship altogether, if it turns out that is is necessary for some reason, is a fine alternative to trudging through it in misery. People change and their relationships necessarily change with them.
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  #18  
Old 05-22-2013, 07:16 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Reading through all this I actually think that maybe we should just start one thread with the title "boring everyday poly life events" so it could be referred to as an example when people ask this kind of questions. Many people post all their vacuum cleaning and dog walking on their Facebook - why not have a thread like that here, too??
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I am a woman with two male partners: CJ (legal husband) and Mark (no label added).
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  #19  
Old 05-22-2013, 07:29 PM
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Agreed, Marcus... Although I sure as heck spent way too much time trying to "make it work" at the end (kids and a house and a stay-at-home spouse and all...).

Nadya, I recommend starting a "look at what I'm currently eating" thread to kick it all off...
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  #20  
Old 05-22-2013, 07:36 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LadySFI View Post
I just need to know that this is working for some people and that overall they are truly happy with their lifestyle choice.
What is the "this" you are asking about? Polyamory in general? A triad? A vee? A quad? Communication? Time management?

There are a myriad number of choices members here have made in their respective lifestyles - knowing that what they chose works for them might not even be remotely relevant to whether polyamory will work for you. For some people, it works. For others, it might not work.

Now, why is it important for you to know others are happy with having chosen to live their lives polyamorously? Would the successes, failures, happiness, or unhappiness of strangers involved in polyamory really be an indicator of what is possible for you? It is a well-known fact that many people do not have happy monogamous relationships - did that ever stop you from entering into any?

I think what is more important is to ask whether or not you want to engage in multiple loving relationships, and if so, are you and your partners willing to do the necessary work so that these relationship are successful and fulfilling for all of you? Do you think you will be able to be happy in polyamory?
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 05-22-2013 at 07:39 PM.
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