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Old 05-23-2013, 09:47 PM
willowstar willowstar is offline
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Default Schedule or no schedule?

As I continue to navigate this multiple partner thing, (LOL), I am beginning to consider having a set schedule for who I spend my evenings with. My BF is married with his own family, so I am not talking about actual date time. We currently see each other during the day while his kids are at school. But what is happening right now is that each of my guys asks me "what the plan is" for the night. Husband wants to know whether Im planning on staying up to chat with BF (we text or FB chat), and BF wants to know whether I am hanging with hubby or available to spend time with him.

It makes me feel like I have to choose between them every day. And it is making me a little crazy, and feeling guilty when I choose one over the other. BF is wonderfully magnanimous and always stipulates that I have every right to spend time with hubby and that he has no right to say otherwise. Hubby is mostly good about it, but I can always tell that he is a little disappointed when I choose to not hang with him all night. I also feel that it is too easy to let too many days go by before he starts feeling left out.

There are certain nights that BF has family obligations (scouts, etc.) and those nights make sense that I would spend that time with hubby. Also, hubby and I have TV shows we like to watch, and those are nights to spend with him. With all the NRE I currently have, what I really want is to spend every night chatting with BF, but that is not realistic or fair.

Hubby does not like the idea of having a schedule for us because he is concerned that I would only be spending time with him because it's "his night" and not because I "chose him". But of course, I AM choosing him because I am making sure he has nights all for himself.

Thoughts? Opinions? Do you have schedules like this? What do you like about it? What do you dislike?

Thank you!!
Willow
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Old 05-23-2013, 10:24 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by willowstar View Post
Hubby is mostly good about it, but I can always tell that he is a little disappointed when I choose to not hang with him all night. I also feel that it is too easy to let too many days go by before he starts feeling left out.
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Originally Posted by willowstar View Post
Hubby does not like the idea of having a schedule for us because he is concerned that I would only be spending time with him because it's "his night" and not because I "chose him". But of course, I AM choosing him because I am making sure he has nights all for himself.
Hubby has put you in kind of a bind here; he is quick to feel like he's not getting enough of your attention but is resistant to the idea of a calendar as a solution.

Have you interviewed him about what *he* thinks might be a better solution? You are right to seek a solution to this issue because it sounds like currently you are left in a no-win situation. I don't mean to imply that it is being done intentionally, it just sounds like hubby is bound to get his feelings hurt and you are bound to feel like a jerk.

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Originally Posted by willowstar View Post
With all the NRE I currently have, what I really want is to spend every night chatting with BF, but that is not realistic or fair.
It's good to identify that you have puppy love going on with BF but it's equally important to remember to allow yourself to enjoy it. It is for this reason that I personally would want a schedule in your situation. I'd want to tack on quite a bit of time to enjoy my puppy love - that is, after all, one of the gifts of living poly. While I respect my other partners feelings and certainly want to minimize any discomfort for them, it is considerably more important that I make sure I am living my life the way I want to and if having a schedule helps then so be it.
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Old 05-23-2013, 11:12 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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You need not create "our schedule". You can create your own-which need not be brought up unless relevant.

Example:
I have a rule, no anal sex with anyone but my husband. My rule, for my body, my own personal reasons. I need not tell ANYONE that is a rule at all. I can simple tell anyone who inquires that I'm not interested in participating in that activity with them. Furthermore, I don't even NEED to express it pointedly to my husband. BECAUSE it's not OUR rule, it's MY rule for ME.
(That doesn't mean I can't tell him or that I can't acknowledge that I am not going to do it-just that it's not obligatory that he "agree" to the rule).

In your case-
You could state to yourself, that xyz evenings I am going to spend with hubby and not online with bf. Then, you could tell bf (if any of those are evenings he isn't otherwise occupied) that you aren't going to be available those evenings.
On those evenings, when dh asks for your plan, you tell him your plan is to spend it with him. On other evenings he asks, you could tell him "I was planning to spend this evening talking to bf, but xyz day I am intending to devote to you."
After a few weeks of that happening predictably, the schedule will *be* obvious. But-it need not be made as a "strict schedule".

Another example:
GENERALLY we take the kids swimming on Tuesday evenings-and therefore are busy.
However-that doesn't mean we don't ever take them on other evenings (we do) and it doesn't mean we don't ever reschedule for a different day on any given week (we have).
It just means that "as a rule of thumb" you could expect to find us at the pool with the kids on Tuesdays.

Likewise, making yourself consciously aware of what "works" for a schedule "as a rule of thumb" doesn't mean you are strictly held to that. You needn't say "I will always spend mwf with bf and t,th,s,s with dh.

But-you can solve much of your own guilt and struggle with NRE, by simply becoming conscious of the schedule that evidently already exists (based upon you saying bf is unavailable some evenings for scouts etc and you are unavailable to him some evenings for tv). There already exists a schedule, it's not a 'hard and fast' schedule-but it does exist.
Become conscious of it, use it as a guideline for your week.

"Honey, this week I was planning to spend mwfs evenings with you for sure. I don't know yet what the plan is for t,th,s. But I will let ya know ok?"
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Old 05-23-2013, 11:39 PM
willowstar willowstar is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
It's good to identify that you have puppy love going on with BF but it's equally important to remember to allow yourself to enjoy it. It is for this reason that I personally would want a schedule in your situation. I'd want to tack on quite a bit of time to enjoy my puppy love - that is, after all, one of the gifts of living poly. While I respect my other partners feelings and certainly want to minimize any discomfort for them, it is considerably more important that I make sure I am living my life the way I want to and if having a schedule helps then so be it.
Thanks Marcus. I agree, I do want to have the time to devote to this new relationship, especially since much of our chat time is later at night, when my husband is in bed anyway (he is an early riser and I am a night owl). And I dont want to feel guilty about wanting to spend time with BF. Especially since this is some of the only time we get to share. We do not do any overnights or even time at each others houses yet...still.... <sigh>...
I would much prefer to do poly your way, as I have seen you post. But I did not marry that guy...

LovingRadiance, thanks also. I see what you mean about having a schedule for myself. I did consider that. But, I do think that my husband needs to know about those days, because I need for him to not feel "rejected" on BF's nights. He needs to just know in advance that I already have a plan and I want him to not ASK, you know? Because then I am in the position of having to say No. Which I can handle when something out of the ordinary comes up, but I dont want to do that to him several times a week.
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Bear-Maybe poly/maybe mono straight man, still feeling it out
Armadillo (formerly known as BF) - currently out of the picture. Depression is evil...
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  #5  
Old 05-23-2013, 11:55 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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There's a thing called a calendar. Hubby can look at the schedule you make for yourself and not have to ask you. You can color-code things according to whom you will be with, label something "Tentative," etc. You can do this in Google or some other program, or a paper calendar on the wall... it isn't rocket science.
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Old 05-24-2013, 01:56 AM
SouthernFirefly SouthernFirefly is offline
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We do a calendar. All four of us can see eachother's google calendar and we put stuff like sleepover/hometime, so and so out of town, so and so at art reception.

It took so much stress off of our situation and the guys liked knowing what house they were going to be at on which night in advance (so far we girls have never changed houses). :-)

That's just what works for us.
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Old 05-24-2013, 02:49 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Everyone having their own Google Calendar that they share with you, or perhaps with the entire group, really is the best. From there, you can say "Hey, I see we haven't spent much time together lately and I'd like to have that time with you. It looks like Thursday night is free for both of us, let's have that be our night this week." On "our" night, no matter who it's with, you can institute whatever guidelines are needed to make all involved feel special, such as no chatting with other people. Then, leave some nights free to do whatever you feel like with whomever, or to just be on your own, with the understanding that it's not fair for anyone to get pissy if they dont have your full attention on a night they haven't worked out with you. So, I'm advocating some scheduling but not complete scheduling... freedom and flexibility are important too!
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Old 05-24-2013, 08:33 PM
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I was strongly against schedules, but I'm really starting to appreciate "dates." I've started asking both the wife or gf for time and it's working out really well.
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Old 05-24-2013, 09:14 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Maca was against schedules and fought it for 3 years.
He's been amazed by how much more steady our relationship is just by making a calendar.
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Old 05-24-2013, 10:28 PM
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I was strongly against schedules, but I'm really starting to appreciate "dates." I've started asking both the wife or gf for time and it's working out really well.
The only hesitation I have with the idea of calendars/schedules is that I fear they will devolve into a method of control. Everyone involved would need to respect that it is simply to illustrate what someone voluntarily wants to do... not what they have an obligation to do.

As long as that is in place I've got no problem letting someone know when my gaming weekends are - if that helps them plan out their time better.
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