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Old 05-20-2013, 05:53 PM
MZTERY MZTERY is offline
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Default Having a difficult time

Hello I am new to this forum and I have a situation. I recently began a polyamorous relationship with my kids father and I have come to realize that I am not that "loved" or atleast it feels that way. He has had a relationship with these two girls for a total of 7 years and I have known him for 10. We have two kids together and until now I had the apartment we first moved into together about 9 years ago, before any of the two were in the picture. He would make me think tha I was always crazy and being a hypocrite to believe that he had something more with any of them. Turns out he has had more of a relationship with them then he has ever had with me. I feel now as if I am a third wheel. I was under the impression that this "all around" relationship would have worked out living together because he made it seem as if they saw me as a partner for them as well. Me, being bi, after awhile of researching polyamorous relationships and having had dealt with them for so long, thought that this could indeed WORK! Plus, that I would be able to rekindle our lost love and relationship. As of yet, I have had no experience of such. at first, it was nice, but now I see that they are so demading of his time and the time they expect from him to spend with them that I find it difficult to find time available for me. He says I need to show more initiative, but I don't like having to ask for my time or even having to do that in the first place! I am in a bad situation. My kids are happy because they have daddy and a bigger home where they have grown comfortabilty in and love. I love the home and the space and I really feel that I can make ths work for him and I but I don't know what to do. He said this would brng us together and it hasn't. I have given everything to him and I have set myself aside for the other girls and their needs but no one care about mine. I thought this relationship looked out for everyone involved?? They seem to do it for each other but not me. Maybe it is because thay have beend oing this together for longer than I have been involved (which is what HE made look like they didn't have LIKE THAT EVER). I mean sexually and everyhting! He says though that I am a different species than they are. That they are just a diiferent animal and that he is proud of how good I am doing so far. I don't know. I am so sad I just can't see how this is progress.

Last edited by nycindie; 05-22-2013 at 03:57 PM. Reason: title
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Old 05-21-2013, 08:44 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Default

This has been an ongoing problem for 7 years?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MZTERY View Post
Turns out he has had more of a relationship with them then he has ever had with me.
All relationships are different, friends, lovers, family, you name it. Trying to rank them as one being better (more) than the others is not energy well spent. Part of being able to be a part of an open relationship without going insane is realizing that this is true, and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.

Relationships vary according to the people in them, not according to how we *want* them to progress.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MZTERY View Post
I was under the impression that this "all around" relationship would have worked out living together because he made it seem as if they saw me as a partner for them as well. Me, being bi, after awhile of researching polyamorous relationships and having had dealt with them for so long, thought that this could indeed WORK!
He doesn't speak for how these women feel about you any more than he speaks for how you feel about them. Relationships happen because people are attracted and intrigued by each other... not because the math works.

Your expectation of somehow being automatically involved with these women is misplaced. Can't force attraction.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MZTERY View Post
at first, it was nice, but now I see that they are so demading of his time and the time they expect from him to spend with them that I find it difficult to find time available for me. He says I need to show more initiative, but I don't like having to ask for my time or even having to do that in the first place!
So you know exactly how to solve the time issue but simply don't want to? That puts the ball in your court and what you do with it is your responsibility.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MZTERY View Post
I have given everything to him and I have set myself aside for the other girls and their needs but no one care about mine. I thought this relationship looked out for everyone involved??
"Setting yourself aside" for someone else is a fantasy. You did what you thought was going to yield the best results in the long term. The fact that it apparently didn't work is irritating for you, no doubt.

I suggest browsing these forums and hopefully doing some reading on your own. There is a great deal of information out there on the subject of jealousy and open relationships... I hope you look into it.
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Old 05-25-2013, 02:28 AM
MZTERY MZTERY is offline
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Default I am so glad someone responded!

Thank you so much for replying to my email. I am very much interested and determined to make the best out of this foundation. We have had a family meeting recently and I sat and heard what everyone had to say about how distant I have been and how they felt offended by me not showing my kids father love as I should. It was what I was hoping to do for awhile, but it hadn't happen until now. I really do love the girls for who they are individually and together. When it comes to him I have always loved him, but never knew how to love him without feeling stupid, ridiculous, or embarrassed somehow. I felt like my guard was down and I didn't want to let that go. I have also decided to show more of my love and affection to not just him, but the girls as well. I know that they are also waiting for me to let go so that they can feel more comfortable in expressing themselves around me and with me. We have shared intimacy in all forms and it feels great. I worry if they don't believe my intentions and if I am in it for the long haul. I am 29 years old and have two kids. I have wanted to have a stable home and loving environment for so long. Now I do! and really it makes me feel so happy to know that I can enjoy this relationship to the fullest. I am constatnly educating myself in poly relationships, jealousy, compersion, emotional stability, you name it. I am always trying to understand myself better, my feelings, others feelings, everything. It is important for me to live in abundance of love and joy. We also each have very good jobs and high ambitions to grow more and stronger together. I pray that all goes well. I am still finding myself too shy to be more affectionate with the girls even though I really really want to... their rejection would make it awkward, but I know they wouldn't reject me though...weird huh? Well, I am my worst enemy and I have been it for a long time. I am learning how to let go and be freer within and out. Since I have been here and have been trying to fully settle I have grown frustrated in different levels and I told him this too. He says to just let go and be happy. I have been holding back for too long and holding on too long to past issues that have outgrown their purpose. I have learned valuable lessons in my life and this relationship...enough to be mature about things and be open and honest about my feelings and what I want. I have to admit that I always get this burst of positive independence and then allow life's ups and downs get me down again. I want it to be different this time. I need it to be for me. I appreciate any and all advice I get here. Thank you so much again for replying to my post.
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