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Old 05-21-2013, 08:31 AM
rembrandt88 rembrandt88 is offline
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I apologize for this late emotional post, but I feel I need to channel my pain into something.

I have been in a relationship for 2 years, of which 1 year has been poly. We live together. Over the last 4 or 5 months everything intimate has gone down hill. (We are in our early to mid 20's) Tonight, I just feel very hurt and alone. I can't help, but feel jealous over the new guy she is interested in. Mostly, because I don't feel like many of my needs are being met. I suppose when I say everything intimate has gone down hill, I mostly am speaking about her lack of interest in me as a lover. She doesn't want to have sex with me and she evades any situation that could lead to sex. We have talked about it a many times, and she simply says she just hasn't been interested in sex. For me i'ts about much more than sex. It's the lack of much romantic physical stimulation. 90% of our kissing might as well be exchanged with kissing my mother. She says she loves me and wants to be with me still. I just feel left wanting and hurting with jealousy over this guy she wants to be physical with. (In the past her involvement with other men hasn't bothered me because i could feel good about my needs and our relationship)

-Addition: I suppose it might help to fill in that throughout this year I have had little luck in fostering outside involvement or relationships. When most interested girls hear about poly/open relationships they walk away.

Last edited by rembrandt88; 05-21-2013 at 08:37 AM. Reason: Addition
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Old 05-21-2013, 07:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rembrandt88 View Post
We have talked about it a many times, and she simply says she just hasn't been interested in sex.

I just feel left wanting and hurting with jealousy over this guy she wants to be physical with. (In the past her involvement with other men hasn't bothered me because i could feel good about my needs and our relationship)
You don't really have a lot of options here.

If she's not interested she's not interested; nothing much you can do about that. She's certainly entitled to decide for herself if she wants to be romantic with you or not (as much of a bummer as that is for you).

Dating can be tough for men, we don't have the benefit of having potential mates fall all over themselves for the opportunity to be close to us (which women do, at least online dating).

I'd suggest being patient with both of these things: her interest and your success at dating. It's all you can do really.
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Old 05-23-2013, 10:40 AM
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leelee22 leelee22 is offline
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I'm sorry to hear this, too. I've heard it from a few men, this despair over being rejected sexually. Part of the problem for you is that this pain you feel probably influences your confidence and mood in ways you can't control, and that makes it hard to meet women.

I would suggest that you put as much effort as you can into self-care. Do the things you love to do and are good at, whether it be a sport, or writing music, or photography, etc etc, whatever it is that gives you some joy and reminds you that you have awesome talents. And cultivate your friendships, to remind yourself how much affection you have to give and how much value you have as a partner. When you feel better you will come across as happier and it will be easier to connect with women.

But I also think that you should not make the mistake of accepting that this treatment from your GF is right. It is NOT right. It's true that she has the right to not be interested in sex SOMETIMES, but only once in awhile. she needs to make a decision, here -- either to put more effort into reviving her attraction to you, or to let you go. It's absolutely not acceptable for women to withhold sex and yet to expect to retain the boyfriend, for whatever reason.

Take good care of yourself. I know you feel like women "walk the other way", and I'm sure some do. But I'm a single poly woman looking for a guy like you -- I'm too old for you and I live somewhere else, but if I exist, I'm not the only one. Don't give up.
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Old 05-23-2013, 05:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by leelee22 View Post
But I also think that you should not make the mistake of accepting that this treatment from your GF is right. It is NOT right. It's true that she has the right to not be interested in sex SOMETIMES, but only once in awhile.
This made me snort out loud. What authority decrees that a woman is only allowed to not want sex "once in a while?" It's her body, her freedom to choose who and when and what she does with it and how she expresses her need for sex. Now, of course, it may seem unfair to the OP that she's giving it up for someone else and not him, and perhaps she is stringing the OP along, but there is no way on earth that anyone is justified in saying it isn't right for her to not have sex if she doesn't want to.

Besides, does the OP even know what exactly she is doing with the other guy? Maybe the sex with the new guy is much more adventurous or satisfying in some way, or maybe is is only a little petting they are doing. But we are only seeing the story from the OP's point of view. We don't know that she is mistreating him. We only know that he feels the kisses are lacking passion, that his needs are not being met, and that she has told him she isn't interested in sex right now. All relationships go through different peaks and valleys in the sex department over time.


Quote:
Originally Posted by leelee22 View Post
she needs to make a decision, here -- either to put more effort into reviving her attraction to you, or to let you go. It's absolutely not acceptable for women to withhold sex and yet to expect to retain the boyfriend, for whatever reason.
So, sex is how a woman "retains" a boyfriend and without that, it is unacceptable? Again, this makes it sound like she should force herself to do something she doesn't want to do.

I say the onus is on the OP to take action. Right now he is engulfed in self-pity and indulging in a bit of whining, but not taking a stance. It is up to him to make a choice whether he wants to stay in this situation or not.

They love each other but aren't sexual or affectionate anymore, so what can he do about that without demanding that she change? He can ask questions and learn what changed for her. He could see if there is something he can do to make sex more appealing to her. Or he can seek another gf for himself where his sexual needs are met. He can also walk away from the relationship.

They are two individuals making choices, hopefully the choices they make will mesh in a way that satisfies them both.

Rembrandt, I wish you strength and courage to stand up for what you want and to create it, but you can't expect her to change. You can only express what works and doesn't work for you and what your limits are, and see if she is able to meet you in the middle. If she won't, then why stay? It's up to you.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 05-24-2013, 02:28 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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"It's true that she has the right to not be interested in sex SOMETIMES, but only once in awhile. she needs to make a decision, here -- either to put more effort into reviving her attraction to you, or to let you go. It's absolutely not acceptable for women to withhold sex and yet to expect to retain the boyfriend, for whatever reason."

What? Seriously what? How often is "once in a while"? How many times am I allowed to say no to something I dont want before I'm being inconsiderate? Conversely, how often do I need to consent to activities I dont want in order to be a good person?

Everyone of every gender has the right to want or not want whatever they authentically want. Sex is not necessarily the price of admission for having happy relationships. People with very low libidos have relationships. Asexual people have relationships. Not having sex with someone is not "withholding" sex because access to your body is not something anyone else is entitled to, even if you're dating them. Even if you're having it with someone else! Relationships based on companionship are a thing. Anyway, who says she expects to "retain" him (that word makes it sound like he's a lawyer she's hired... actually, that highlights what bothers me most about this attitude, is that it makes relationships sound like a business transaction in which a woman provides sex and a man provides partnership... ew)? He has the right to leave at any time if his needs aren't being met, that's his decision to make.

OP, that last line really contains my best advice to you. If the sexual spark has gone out of this relationship, and that's important to you, and your partner doesn't seem interested in talking about it or working on it, it may be time to walk away. On the other hand, if you really love her and could see this relationship working without sex being a major component of it, continue seeking and see if you can find that sort of relationship with someone else... it sucks that you are having a tough time of it but I bet there's someone out there for you. Poly guys do successfully date so while that may not be helping it's not the end of the story... maybe a female friend could give you advice on how you present yourself and how you could come off better?

Good luck!l
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Last edited by AnnabelMore; 05-24-2013 at 02:31 AM.
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Old 05-24-2013, 10:47 AM
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leelee22 leelee22 is offline
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I stand by my view that the behaviour OP describes -- not just refusing sex, but avoiding intimacy and "avoiding all situations that could possibly lead to sex" is bad faith behaviour in a relationship in which sex was once an important part and where clearly, it's important to her partner.

I've seen this behaviour in action in a few mono marriages (I'm old, remember), and it causes entrenched resentment that can be very hard to repair. And it takes a very heavy toll on the rejected party.

It's a form of unkindness just like any other form of unkindness. It's a snub, like the popular kids at school "pretending not to hear" a less popular child when he or she is talking. She is refusing to acknowledge the sexual side of this person who loves her. That is not compassionate.
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Old 05-24-2013, 12:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by leelee22 View Post
It's a form of unkindness just like any other form of unkindness. It's a snub, like the popular kids at school "pretending not to hear" a less popular child when he or she is talking. She is refusing to acknowledge the sexual side of this person who loves her. That is not compassionate.
They've talked about it and she has explained explicitly that she is not interested in sex (at least with him). As far as I can tell her part of this issue is clean.

The illustration you used hints toward your assuming that there is some kind of malicious intent in her action. I didn't read anything like that from the OP; it just looks like her tastes are changing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by leelee22 View Post
she needs to make a decision, here -- either to put more effort into reviving her attraction to you, or to let you go
He doesn't need to focus on what *she* should be doing... he needs to focus on what *he's* going to do about it. Sounds like she has already been clear on what she wants and that is not to have sex, which is entirely her right. She gets to decided if she "sometimes" isn't interested or "once in a while" or "never ever, ever". Right? She gets to decide that and he gets to decide how he wants to adjust his behavior in response.
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Old 05-25-2013, 04:16 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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I'm sorry your girlfriend won't be romantically intimate with you but the wonderful thing about being poly is you can find someone else who desires you that way.
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Old 05-28-2013, 02:55 PM
rembrandt88 rembrandt88 is offline
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Thank you all for your input,

Since then a lot has happened. We talked about my current insecurity in our connection and our needs. She told me she wouldn't be physically involved with him and would only be friends, while we spend some time working on our relationship. She also told him about the discussion.

A few days later we are at a party and she is hanging out with him and I with other people. I tell them I am going to leave soon, because I was unsure if she was going to leave with me or later. She is obviously very drunk and says she is going to stay. I go back to sitting with my some friends for a bit. Then observe her walking away from the party toward the grass, and not a minute later followed up by him. At this point you can begin to imagine how upset I am beginning to become after being told she wouldn't do anything with him. After a few minutes of internal warfare I began to walk over to them. After I reach them while they are making out they stop and look at me. I simply tell him to go and he gets up and leaves. I'm obviously steaming mad and hurt, to which she says we weren't doing anything. We sat on the beach crying and talking for a bit and eventually went home to do more crying and talking.

At the moment we are again working on strengthening our bond. In a little over a month I will be leaving for Europe. Luckily, we have recently had a bit of sex and intimacy. Which is a nice change in pace. Although, she said she wants me to find a gf who can fulfill my sexual needs since she feels less interested in sex.
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Old 05-28-2013, 03:35 PM
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Originally Posted by leelee22 View Post

But I also think that you should not make the mistake of accepting that this treatment from your GF is right. It is NOT right. It's true that she has the right to not be interested in sex SOMETIMES, but only once in awhile. she needs to make a decision, here -- either to put more effort into reviving her attraction to you, or to let you go. It's absolutely not acceptable for women to withhold sex and yet to expect to retain the boyfriend, for whatever reason.
I think this is a prime example of HOW things are phrased meaning a lot, but it shouldn't mean more than the actual intent.

There is absolutely NO REASON anyone, male female or in between, should feel the need to be intimately involved with anyone else if they don't feel like it. No way, no how.

However, I have seen situations similar on here and the advice being given different than just, "OH well her tastes are changing so no intimacy for you!" Sadly I think the idea that sex for a woman is somehow linked to a responsibility or way to 'keep' a man is clouding whatever other advice people might have.

No, I don't think it's 'right' that your partner is not interested in anything remotely intimate, however I don't think she needs to be. Instead, I think maybe it should be discussed and find out why she's not? Is it just NRE with someone else? Is she not feeling particularly amorous anymore? Sometimes an established relationship hits highs and lows of intimacy. It's both partners responsibility to decide if they want that to change and how to do that. When my libido goes down I worry as well, and want to change it. Figure out a way to spark intimacy again, but again, both parties have to be interested and willing.
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