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  #11  
Old 05-20-2013, 12:02 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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OMG - fat, bloated, and lonely! Just cracked me up. I've been there!

Listen, don't call yourself names because you keep comparing yourself to others - we all do that from time to time. It's pretty much an automatic thing we're taught to do because humans are competitive creatures. Sometimes, it's a very useful thing, as in strategizing on how to stand out in order to ace a job interview, for example. Don't be so hard on yourself that you are hard on yourself for being hard on yourself!

The only thing we can do to manage certain patterns in our thought processes is to be aware of them without judging ourselves for having that habit or pattern, and then pay it no mind. As in, "Oh, here I go again comparing myself to her. I don't have to do that." And then you just occupy your mind with other, more productive things to think about, like, "Maybe I'll rearrange the canned goods in my pantry now," and really get present with what you are doing rather than indulging in thoughts. Eventually, the thoughts become background music that you know is there but don't have to pay attention to.

But, in addition to all that, discuss with your hubs all the fears you mentioned here. "Honey, even though we were both happy that neither of us wanted to leave if you got involved with someone else, I now have this creeping fear that once you find what you're looking for sexually, you won't need me anymore for anything. I'm comfortable with you having sex with someone else. You loving someone else scares me, and I keep comparing myself." As long as you aren't giving ultimatums or making rules out of these fears (as in a very unreasonable "don't fall in love"), just talking about them will help them dissipate.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #12  
Old 05-20-2013, 01:04 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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my husbands GF is thin, very elegant, mysterious, striking and beautiful.

I am curvy, sexy, the kind of woman men are attracted to when they get to talk to me - not the kind people will look at in the street. And personality wise - we could not be more different.

When my BF started dating his now GF, I googled her - she does not want to meet me - and found out she's a black-haired, skinny dancer.

I am blond-going-grey, curvy (Yeah already mentioned that) and the only gymnastics I like take place in the bedroom.

It used to upset me that my loves are dating women who are so very different from me. Then I started thinking about how I would feel if they would date women that looked exactly like me and with whom I shared a lot of personality traits.

The last time I did the 'compare' thing was when my husband went on a date with his GF and I was home with the flu and whenever I looked in the mirror I saw my puffy eyes and red nose and my hair that I hadn't washed in 4 days. Imagining him with her was not a nice image. But usually? I take extra good care of myself when I feel the 'comparing monster' creeping up. Dress up nicely and go to the movies by myself. Or meet a friend who really values and appreciates my company.
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  #13  
Old 05-20-2013, 03:28 PM
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FUCKING FUCK! I keep losing posts because I'm not used to this interface yet!!!!!! Sorry about the language... I usually try to restrain myself.

Thank everyone for your input. There are some good things to consider here. I was just typing a response when my phone rang. I had a really uncomfortable phone conversation with him and I'm pretty sure that I just ruined his afternoon because I couldn't keep it together long enough to make it through a 2-minute conversation. He feels guilty for "making" me feel bad. I keep trying to explain that he's not "making" me feel anything. I have feelings and I need to feel them before I can decide what I need to do about them. He caught me in a bad moment. I started crying half from my jealous/bloated loneliness and half from my gratitude that he would call and notice and ask if I was ok. He is struggling with this as much as I am. I need to remember that. I didn't have a chance to think about how to say what I needed to say and it came out all messy. We will talk tonight.

nycindie, thank you for the reminder to engage in mindfulness. I am so good at doling out the advice and never taking it myself. I really should clean up the piles of yarn and fabric in the living room before moving to the pantry, though. LOL But I take your point. Busy my body to calm my mind. Acknowledge my thoughts and let them go.

Cleo, she is the one with the curves! I have lost weight and am working on getting stronger so my boobs are shrinking and I am more angular than I've ever been since he's known me. I am happy with the strength. Not so thrilled with the bra getting looser. The thing that I confuse myself with is that I do NOT want to be sexually attractive (as I am asexual) but I also don't want to be unattractive. The human emotional spectrum. What a freakin' minefield.
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Asexual woman married to J, a very sexual/kinky man. I'm unemployed and home alone most of the time so I tend to get a little stir crazy.

J and I are completely new to poly and trying it out to get both our needs met without abandoning our relationship, which works tremendously well on every other level.

J has recently started dating L and says he thinks he loves her. I am alternately happy and terrified about it.
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  #14  
Old 05-20-2013, 03:32 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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I think small boobs are very attractive. Indeed, i stare at small breasts the way most people do at big ones.

"ur doin it wrong", lol.
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  #15  
Old 05-20-2013, 03:54 PM
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KittenPuff KittenPuff is offline
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Well, they're not small, just smallER.
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Asexual woman married to J, a very sexual/kinky man. I'm unemployed and home alone most of the time so I tend to get a little stir crazy.

J and I are completely new to poly and trying it out to get both our needs met without abandoning our relationship, which works tremendously well on every other level.

J has recently started dating L and says he thinks he loves her. I am alternately happy and terrified about it.
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  #16  
Old 05-20-2013, 03:58 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Every little bit helps...
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  #17  
Old 05-20-2013, 10:17 PM
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LadyC LadyC is offline
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Default we ARE our own worse critics..

Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
I remember having a lot of the same feelings when my husband started dating. It helps to remember that he's with you because he wants to be with you. If you play the comparison game you're always going to lose. We are our own worst critics.
I agree 100%.
As soon as poly turns into a competition it is doomed to fail.

Remember why he is with you. It is okay to understand and appreciate why he would choose her too, and try to take it in stride.

It is important that your relationship has a strong foundation before you can bring others into it. Are you sure you are ready to open up and share him completely? We all have our own self-issues and we ARE our own worse critics.. You should try to be confident in your partner's ability to remember you and who you are in his life, even while he is out with her. It is definitely OKAY to ask for reassurance if you still find yourself feeling uneasy.
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It is very pleasant to stand here talking; and life is so short and insecure that I would not hurry away from any pleasures - no, not even from one so mild as this.
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  #18  
Old 05-20-2013, 10:52 PM
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nancyfore nancyfore is offline
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I must say that I am pleased that I am not the only asexual poly person in the world. Sometimes it feels that way...

I did the compare the gf thing once. It earned me 2 weeks of depression before I realized (with the loving help of my hubby) that I was different than the gf and that though she was EVERYTHING I felt that I wasn't, I had my good points too and I wasn't giving myself a chance.

I was my own worse critic, and hubby explained that gf was her own worse critic too. Made me see things differently when I understood that she had the same feelings that I did.
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  #19  
Old 05-21-2013, 12:09 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nancyfore View Post
I must say that I am pleased that I am not the only asexual poly person in the world. Sometimes it feels that way...

.


Huh? Your husband's signature says you're bi. And how did you have 8 kids? Artificial insemination? I'm not trying to be a wiseguy, i'm just wicked confused. I am sure i missed something somewhere...
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  #20  
Old 05-21-2013, 01:19 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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"I'm comfortable with him have sex with someone else. Loving someone else scares me." <-- It can be hard, or even impossible (not to mention pretty dang unfair) to ask someone to have sex and not develop feelings. Even worse would be letting the feelings develop and then yanking the rug out from under the two of them. What do you think you'll do if they do fall in love?
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