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Old 05-20-2013, 01:33 AM
crisplove crisplove is offline
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Default Family Functions

This weekend my boyfriend is out of town with his primary at his brother's birthday party. I can't get over that ordinarily this would be something that I would go to if I were in a mono relationship.

Next weekend, I'm going to see my family. My aunts and uncle are in from out of town. I'll see my brother, his wife, and my niece and nephew. He won't be coming with me. That sucks too.

I don't think I'm cut out for this
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Old 05-20-2013, 02:40 AM
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nancyfore nancyfore is offline
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Do you have scheduled time with him? Have you invited him to your family function? Have you talked to him and told him how you feel? Would you feel comfortable dating someone else?
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Old 05-20-2013, 02:54 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crisplove View Post
This weekend my boyfriend is out of town with his primary at his brother's birthday party. I can't get over that ordinarily this would be something that I would go to if I were in a mono relationship.

Next weekend, I'm going to see my family. My aunts and uncle are in from out of town. I'll see my brother, his wife, and my niece and nephew. He won't be coming with me. That sucks too.

I don't think I'm cut out for this
Sounds like you might want to cut to the core of what it is that is really valuable to you. I am polyamorous because my independence is of ultimate value and I choose to be with people who value it similarly. I go where I want, do as I wish, love (or not) whomever I choose, and never EVER ask for permission... my partners do the same.

What is it that you value in relating to a person romantically? Is it that you always have an automatic date to family functions? Is it that you know you will always be invited to every event your lover goes to?

Do some thinking on what you want and then get involved in relationships which are more likely to yield that kind of outcome. Take responsibility for your feelings and then take the actions needed to take care of yourself.

This is extent of what passes for my "wisdom"
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Old 05-20-2013, 01:03 PM
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pollyanna pollyanna is offline
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i think it's ok and normal that you feel left out and that it seems unfair a bit. And i think it's ok to want a 'date' to an event--things are more fun when you share them with someone special.

How many situations come up that only two of you could go to? for us, it's few. My 3rd would be a 'friend' who went with us if the occasion wasn't with those who know us intimately.

I think there's a way to figure this out but you all have to sit down and talk about it.
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Old 05-20-2013, 04:59 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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If I remember right, you, your boyfriend, and metamour are not out. Correct me if I am wrong. Is this one of the reasons why you are not there? Even still, I never just show up somewhere that I have not been invited. I know how I feel about unwanted or surprise guests at my home. Especially if I do not know them. That is a big no-no for me. Did you express interest in going as a friend of theirs? Why is he not coming with you? These instances are reminders why staying closeted has drawbacks, too. I am sorry I do not have much advice to contribute.
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Old 05-20-2013, 06:30 PM
crisplove crisplove is offline
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These are all great suggestions. Thank you all:-)

Nancy, I don't really have the bandwidth for multiple lovers and I'm not really interested. I'm introverted and I enjoy showering my love with attention. I'm trying this out. Him being with multiple people doesn't seem to bother me as much as what he does with everyone. I have a fairly traditional view of relationships. I'm challenging that view for the first time to see if it's just something I accepted by default or something I actually prefer.

I'm finding that the social component of relationships is very important to me, even though I'm not a really social person. I want to share my life with someone. I want one on one public dates. I want to know his family and I want him to know mine. I want us to do the holidays and the special occasions as a couple. While I enjoy going on vacations as a family, I want to go on vacations as a couple.

Right now he does all of those things with his primary. I'm not sure if it's because our relationship is new or if it's because this is the way it is.

Also, I currently travel for work. I'm only around on the weekends. What's going to happen when I'm there all the time?

Right now, we don't even spend one night a week together. Partially because I'm only there on the weekend. Mostly because he and his primary live with her parents and they will have to answer questions about where he is if she's there alone.

All of this is very surprising to me because I'm introverted and independent. I've been married before and I came up with my "hut theory". Alas, theory and reality are 2 different things. I need a lot of alone time. I actually needed at least one weekend of break from us, so that part was good. In contrast, he's extremely extroverted so he needs everyone. I enjoy that he has others and is not solely dependent on me.
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Old 05-20-2013, 06:31 PM
crisplove crisplove is offline
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Quote:
What is it that you value in relating to a person romantically?
I am consciously asking myself this for the first time. I want to explore life with this person. I want to have philosophical conversations with this person. I want us to explore each other's internal landscape. I want a soul connection. I don't think that polyamory prevents any of that.

Quote:
Is it that you always have an automatic date to family functions?
Um, not so much an automatic date as much as I want him to be part of my family, the way that my sister-in-law is. I want him to be a brother to my brother, and a son to my father. I want that level of connection with his family also.

Quote:
Is it that you know you will always be invited to every event your lover goes to?
Again, it's not about the events. It's about the connection to family. It's about really merging into each other's lives.
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Old 05-20-2013, 06:33 PM
crisplove crisplove is offline
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If I remember right, you, your boyfriend, and metamour are not out. Correct me if I am wrong. Is this one of the reasons why you are not there? Even still, I never just show up somewhere that I have not been invited. I know how I feel about unwanted or surprise guests at my home. Especially if I do not know them. That is a big no-no for me. Did you express interest in going as a friend of theirs? Why is he not coming with you? These instances are reminders why staying closeted has drawbacks, too. I am sorry I do not have much advice to contribute.
We aren't out.

This engagement was out of town. My engagement is out of town also. My thing is not an event. It's just that my aunts and uncle will be at my parents. They are coming from overseas. So, it would be an opportunity for them to meet him if he is going to be a significant part of my life. Culturally, that's how we are. Of course, I'm challenging that concept as well.

I'm a grown woman approaching my 40's. What's the relevance of him meeting my extended family members that I hardly talk to myself? Is it something that I was just raised to do, or is it really important to me? Why do they have to meet him?

Family is important to me though. It helps me to get to know the person and it helps them to get to know me. There's institutional knowledge there. They've seen me grow. They can share my history with him. That's what it means to me. I don't live in the same town as my family, but I'm close enough for them to matter. And I want to be with someone who is close to his family and I want to hear their stories about him.
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Old 05-20-2013, 09:42 PM
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pollyanna pollyanna is offline
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why do they live with her parents? time for them to grow up and move out and then they can do as they please without explaining to anyone.

Do you have your own place in that town?

And if he's grown, why does he have to explain where he is to her parents?
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  #10  
Old 05-20-2013, 10:06 PM
crisplove crisplove is offline
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Pollyanna, it's more like her parents live with them for financial reasons. I do have a place of my own. She's welcome in it. Often, when he's there she spends the night also. (Very annoying.)

She's the one explaining it to her parents. To hear him tell it, he doesn't care except that he's respectful of her. Very convenient for him to lay responsibility on her shoulders. The story is long and twisty. They've been together for 8 years. She owned a home. When he moved to the area, they decided to live together for financial reasons. The parents were supposed to move out, but everyone was happy. 5 years later, this is the situation.

I'm the new kid on the block (3 months). I'm not poly and I'm trying this out. Truth be told, at this point, I'm glad no one came out. Writing this is helping me to get clearer about what I want in relationships.
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