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  #11  
Old 05-22-2013, 01:34 PM
LadySFI LadySFI is offline
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Oh I totally understand this. It was the other way around for me. My husband wanted every single detail of what my boyfriend and I were doing and it made me really uncomfortable. I don't know why. Maybe it has something to do with not being allowed to have a relationship with no privacy. Maybe it was because I didn't need him fishing to find things he wasn't happy with. I never identified it, but I rarely feel awkward about things and here I felt like I was being grilled every time I got together with my bf. I did eventually just give up and start answering some of his questions. I realized it was how he was coping with the new relationship even though it made me a little uncomfortable at first. However, I made it quite clear I felt grilled for information and I didn't like it. We evolved through it, and now he doesn't ask a ton of questions. I think he needed to know that I wasn't hiding anything. I think that once he realized I was going to be completely open and honest, he felt more comfortable. Once in a while he asks a question I am still uncomfortable with. I still haven't identified why yet either.
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  #12  
Old 05-22-2013, 06:00 PM
Ssandra Ssandra is offline
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Originally Posted by LadySFI View Post
Oh I totally understand this. It was the other way around for me. My husband wanted every single detail of what my boyfriend and I were doing and it made me really uncomfortable. I don't know why. Maybe it has something to do with not being allowed to have a relationship with no privacy. Maybe it was because I didn't need him fishing to find things he wasn't happy with. I never identified it, but I rarely feel awkward about things and here I felt like I was being grilled every time I got together with my bf. I did eventually just give up and start answering some of his questions. I realized it was how he was coping with the new relationship even though it made me a little uncomfortable at first. However, I made it quite clear I felt grilled for information and I didn't like it. We evolved through it, and now he doesn't ask a ton of questions. I think he needed to know that I wasn't hiding anything. I think that once he realized I was going to be completely open and honest, he felt more comfortable. Once in a while he asks a question I am still uncomfortable with. I still haven't identified why yet either.
For what it is worth, I'm very similar to your husband. I also want each and every detail. Of course, I am not him and I don't know if he wants it for the same reasons....

But for me the reason was NOT to check up, to grill for information or to check if nothing is being hidden. For me the reason is to feel included. To feel part of that part of his life. And also to share in those things that are important to him.

And yes, with time that gets less and less, at least, that's the way it seems to be for me right now.

So, for me it has nothing to do with not trusting him (if I wouldn't trust him I wouldn't have agreed on him dating someone else), but everything with "being a part of...".
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  #13  
Old 05-22-2013, 06:56 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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For me the reason is to feel included. To feel part of that part of his life. And also to share in those things that are important to him.
I never understand it when people say this. I believe all people in relationships are entitled to their own space, freedom, and privacy. You are already an important part of his life, even if you don't have all the details of every little thing he's doing. Why is it necessary to be all up in his business in order to feel "included?" I just don't get it. Sounds like rather deep insecurity to me.
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  #14  
Old 05-22-2013, 08:23 PM
Ssandra Ssandra is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I never understand it when people say this. I believe all people in relationships are entitled to their own space, freedom, and privacy. You are already an important part of his life, even if you don't have all the details of every little thing he's doing. Why is it necessary to be all up in his business in order to feel "included?" I just don't get it. Sounds like rather deep insecurity to me.
Oh, it absolutely is some deep insecurity. No argument from me.

And while I work on this insecurity, I need some basic security to feel safe enough to effectively work on it. And he can help me by sharing as much as he (and she of course) is comfortable sharing, even if his natural instinct is to keep things separate.
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  #15  
Old 05-23-2013, 12:42 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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And what if what she's ok with sharing is "nothing"?
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  #16  
Old 05-23-2013, 01:06 AM
Ssandra Ssandra is offline
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And what if what she's ok with sharing is "nothing"?
Then we would have to talk about it, see where we can reach a compromise.

Not sharing anything is impossible and not healthy in my opinion, since we already share the same guy...

If she is fighting with him, I'd like to know why he is so stressed. That's sharing.

If he needs to stay at home with me because of medical issues, it is good for her to know why he is cancelling. That is sharing.
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  #17  
Old 05-23-2013, 10:40 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Originally Posted by Ssandra View Post
Not sharing anything is impossible and not healthy in my opinion, since we already share the same guy...

If she is fighting with him, I'd like to know why he is so stressed. That's sharing.

If he needs to stay at home with me because of medical issues, it is good for her to know why he is cancelling. That is sharing.
There's a big difference though in 'exchanging important information' and 'sharing every detail'.

him: 'I'm a bit stressed, I just had a fight with X. Sorry if I'm a little absent minded. I might have to call her later and talk some more and see if we can work it out'
you: 'ok honey, sorry you're stressed. If you want to discuss it I'm here, but for now shall I just make you a cup of tea?'

as opposed to him telling you every little detail of his fight with her and you asking for even more details. And the 2 of you probably ending up in a fight yourselves, because fights are so private and personal, when you hear about fights with other people it tends to bring up your own insecurities and hidden fears - been there done that way too many times!


or:
him, to X: 'sorry but I have to cancel our date. Ssandra isn't feeling too well and I'm a bit worried, and want to stay home and keep an eye on her'
X (knowing and trusting he would only cancel if he had a really good reason): 'ok, I'm sorry, I was looking forward to seeing you, but I'm sorry she's not well. Say hi to her and call me when you want to reschedule ok?'

as opposed to:
him, to X: 'Ssandra just threw up and there's vomit all over the floor and I have to go and clean it up and she's crying now because she's ashamed of the mess and I have to go comfort her and God knows if this was the last time for tonight so yeah I have to cancel our date'.
X: 'uhmm.... I did NOT really need to know all that'.
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  #18  
Old 05-23-2013, 11:39 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
There's a big difference though in 'exchanging important information' and 'sharing every detail'.

him: 'I'm a bit stressed, I just had a fight with X. Sorry if I'm a little absent minded. I might have to call her later and talk some more and see if we can work it out'
you: 'ok honey, sorry you're stressed. If you want to discuss it I'm here, but for now shall I just make you a cup of tea?'

as opposed to him telling you every little detail of his fight with her and you asking for even more details. And the 2 of you probably ending up in a fight yourselves, because fights are so private and personal, when you hear about fights with other people it tends to bring up your own insecurities and hidden fears - been there done that way too many times!


or:
him, to X: 'sorry but I have to cancel our date. Ssandra isn't feeling too well and I'm a bit worried, and want to stay home and keep an eye on her'
X (knowing and trusting he would only cancel if he had a really good reason): 'ok, I'm sorry, I was looking forward to seeing you, but I'm sorry she's not well. Say hi to her and call me when you want to reschedule ok?'

as opposed to:
him, to X: 'Ssandra just threw up and there's vomit all over the floor and I have to go and clean it up and she's crying now because she's ashamed of the mess and I have to go comfort her and God knows if this was the last time for tonight so yeah I have to cancel our date'.
X: 'uhmm.... I did NOT really need to know all that'.
And that ^ is why I asked.

In our V, we all live together, so there is (obviously) a lot of shared knowledge. If one of us is really sick for instance, everyone knows.

However-there is A LOT that is not shared knowledge-including WHEN or HOW we have sex, what we do on a date, where we go, when we send texts or emails and what is in them.. I'm sure I could make a list a mile long.
It's not that there are secrets.
There aren't.

In fact, if a question is asked-we are all prone to just answer it even if we think it was rude.

HOWEVER-we came to that point because we all respect that each relationship (mine with Maca, Mine with GG, GG's with Maca) are INDIVIDUAL and each has personal, private details that are ours alone. Furthermore, we alone as a duo are the only people with a right to decide WHAT we define as personal, private details.

So for example: Maca and I decide what we feel is personal and private.
GG and I decide what we feel is personal and private.
AND
we don't owe an explanation to the other party.

IF GG doesn't want me to talk to anyone (including Maca) about his snoring-then it's none of Maca's business. EVEN IF Maca doesn't think it's a big deal or particularly personal.
Likewise if Maca doesn't want me to talk about his favorite color to anyone, no one else gets to insist that it isn't "really" a personal question.
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  #19  
Old 05-27-2013, 09:33 PM
Josie Josie is offline
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I'm currently a hinge in a V and admittedly, I have some trouble talking about details of me and my girlfriend P's relationship with my boyfriend.

He used to ask a LOT of questions, not because he was insecure or was checking up on me, but because he was so excited for me.
I found it a little overwhelming, to be honest. I'd come back from a date and be asked lots of questions before I even had a chance to sit down - let alone digest it.
So I think I came off as a little cold and uncommunicative at first because I didn't really know what I thought/felt about what was going on in the relationship so I felt put on the spot being asked lots of questions.

I let him know this and he stopped asking so many. I do indulge him sometimes though, when I do know how things are, or when one of us has done something particularly sweet for the other and give him all the juicy details, simply because I know it makes him happy - she's fine with that too, I'm pretty sure they gossip about me whenever my back's turned as well :P

This isn't the same as your situation, but perhaps he doesn't say so much because he's still edging into the relationship and hasn't got everything all sorted out in his head yet. It's still quite early and he may just want to be going with the flow of the new relationship and not over thinking it or reliving everything just after it's happened. It wouldn't mean he was trying to hide anything or keep either of you out, just that he's taking his time to get used to everything - it may take time for him to be merge the different parts of his life together (even just in his head), especially when it's quite new, he'll be doing some adjusting too.
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  #20  
Old 05-27-2013, 10:22 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
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He used to ask a LOT of questions, not because he was insecure or was checking up on me, but because he was so excited for me.
I found it a little overwhelming, to be honest. I'd come back from a date and be asked lots of questions before I even had a chance to sit down - let alone digest it.
So I think I came off as a little cold and uncommunicative at first because I didn't really know what I thought/felt about what was going on in the relationship so I felt put on the spot being asked lots of questions.
I have often read, here and on other poly sites/blogs, that many people who come home to one partner after being with another need to take some time to re-integrate themselves from one situation into another. There is a readjustment period they need, whether it is an hour of quiet time or a week to absorb everything. It's important that a partner give us the space we need, if we're still processing our experiences.
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