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  #11  
Old 05-26-2013, 01:10 AM
Arinbjorn Arinbjorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nancyfore View Post
In all you (OP) said, nothing was ever said about the issue that was at the root of all the cheating.. Something was wrong and all that ever happened was an addition to the family. Did you seek a therapy session or two? Did just the two of you work on what the original problem was?
I still don't fully understand why she had the first affair - what I could have possibly done to deserve that.

I ended up realizing that I still loved her. I loved her enough to cut her loose if that is what she wanted, or to forgive her and try to move forward. She decided that she still loved me to, and so we just tried to move forward and heal.

It's probably a break down in communication - back then, and maybe the same thing beginning to really take root in the here and now. This time, she already has her other lover, and doesn't need an affair. So, I am left hanging in the breeze - emotionally, and physically.

My wife feels that sometimes I push her away. Well, by now, I think sometimes that I do push her away - I can only take so much emotional abuse and physical neglect, and pretend that I feel okay still.

Last edited by Arinbjorn; 05-26-2013 at 01:52 AM.
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  #12  
Old 05-26-2013, 01:25 AM
Arinbjorn Arinbjorn is offline
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Transgendered lovers are indeed very needy.

I totally understand - well, at least I try to understand. Their world is turned upside down - it's scary, nothing is as it once was. There's a lot of new skills to learn, things to do. How terrifying it is to try to go out in society.

I try to be very understanding and encouraging.

I feel like some times I am feeding into a situation that just doesn't do anything for me in return, other than seeing a long time friend become healthy and happy.

My wife, the hinge, seems to only provide hurtful neglect (emotionally and physically) in reward for me being accepting and supportive of their relationship. My wife does some things that are good - she pays bills from our mutually shared bank account, she does almost all of our cooking, she tries to get us all out and doing fun activities - but I feel like the real root causes of dysfunction get covered up. Her sense of "taking care of business" doesn't give her a license to neglect my emotional and physical needs. Doing fun stuff doesn't really address the underlying root causes of dysfunction - it's more like a band aid to cover up an infected wound, so you can't see it.

That's kind of my thoughts, anyway.

Oddly enough, I do think my wife still loves me a little bit. I just can't figure out how to make things better. I do still love her. However, unless we can all pull together and be a functional poly family, I still havn't removed the possibility of starting over somewhere new.

Last edited by Arinbjorn; 05-26-2013 at 01:33 AM.
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  #13  
Old 05-26-2013, 02:00 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Originally Posted by Arinbjorn View Post
For sex to happen and be right, she tells me that she needs to feel loved. I've done about everything I can to make her feel loved. I'm kind of running out of ideas, and energy to even try any more.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arinbjorn View Post
My wife does some things that are good - she pays bills from our mutually shared bank account, she does almost all of our cooking, she tries to get us all out and doing fun activities - but I feel like the real root causes of dysfunction get covered up. Her sense of "taking care of business" doesn't give her a license to neglect my emotional and physical needs.
Have you read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman? It sounds like you and your wife might be speaking different love languages; you demonstrate your love for her in the way that you understand love to be expressed, she demonstrates her love for you in the way she understands love to be expressed (Edit: Possibly "Acts of Service"), but because you have different ways of doing it neither of you "hears" the other and the signals are lost.

Edit: When you say you have done everything you can think of to make her feel loved, what sort of things do you mean?

Last edited by Emm; 05-26-2013 at 02:05 AM.
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  #14  
Old 05-26-2013, 05:58 AM
Arinbjorn Arinbjorn is offline
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I haven't heard of the title before.

Doesn't surprise me that there are at least five ways to express love though.

I'll see if I can find a copy somehow. Thank you!
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  #15  
Old 05-26-2013, 09:03 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Try Googling for exerpts or summaries to help you out while you try to find a physical copy. For example, here's a page with short descriptions of the five "languages" and a link to a quiz designed to help you work out what yours is.
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