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Old 05-20-2013, 03:01 AM
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KittenPuff KittenPuff is offline
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Default Newbie probs

Hubs is out on a first date with a woman who is younger, prettier, cooler, girlier, and kinkier than I am. I've been good with the idea of ploy and fine with past first dates. He's only ever had first dates so far and I've actually met this woman, so maybe that's why this is different but I'm having a little jealousy creep in. What to do? The basic gist of our situation is in my signature. Any advice is welcome.

Thanks!
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Asexual woman married to J, a very sexual/kinky man. I'm unemployed and home alone most of the time so I tend to get a little stir crazy.

J and I are completely new to poly and trying it out to get both our needs met without abandoning our relationship, which works tremendously well on every other level.

J has recently started dating L and says he thinks he loves her. I am alternately happy and terrified about it.
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  #2  
Old 05-20-2013, 03:10 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by KittenPuff View Post
Hubs is out on a first date with a woman who is younger, prettier, cooler, girlier, and kinkier than I am.
I believe we have some members here who have non-sexual partners in their relationships; with any luck they will be able to help with the a-sexual aspect of your situation.

Most of it, though, strikes me as being a self-image oriented issue. This girl sounds like she's better than you in every way (according to your description) but I find that unlikely. In a poly relationship, even if it WERE true it wouldn't matter. Some people on this planet happen to be dashing, successful, attractive, and confident (dicks) but that doesn't do much to change how I relate to my romantic partners. If my partner didn't find something in me that they enjoyed they would simply not be with me.

Another way to look at it is to realize that you're with someone who can attract a real catch. Be happy for them! Bathe in the fact that this much of a bad-ass is dating you as well!
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Old 05-20-2013, 03:56 AM
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I just typed a long response and when I went to post it, I'd been logged out so I lost the whole thing. GRR!

Thanks for the feedback and advice. I am a fan of changing the way I think about things and appreciate your suggestions.

Anyway, he really seems to like her and I'm glad for that and if he was dating someone just like me what would be the point? I definitely have self-image issues and always have. I need to figure out how to deal with them. I never measure up to anyone else in my mind. Could prove to be a bigger problem than it has been in the past... especially when he's in NRE mode and I'm at home seeking solace on the internet.

I am also a little jealous that he gets to date and I don't. Not many dating options out there for us ace folk.
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Asexual woman married to J, a very sexual/kinky man. I'm unemployed and home alone most of the time so I tend to get a little stir crazy.

J and I are completely new to poly and trying it out to get both our needs met without abandoning our relationship, which works tremendously well on every other level.

J has recently started dating L and says he thinks he loves her. I am alternately happy and terrified about it.
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Old 05-20-2013, 04:16 AM
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Originally Posted by KittenPuff View Post
I am also a little jealous that he gets to date and I don't. Not many dating options out there for us ace folk.
Funny, I always think that way about the MASSIVE monogamous dating pool in comparison to my own. While the ace (I Googled it) dating pool could just as easily be included in the mono and non-mono communities, I imagine it [a-sexual] has even a smaller pool.
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Old 05-20-2013, 04:34 AM
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I remember having a lot of the same feelings when my husband started dating. It helps to remember that he's with you because he wants to be with you. If you play the comparison game you're always going to lose. We are our own worst critics.
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Old 05-20-2013, 04:43 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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I used to have self-esteem issues too, but i solved them by becoming awesome. If i can do it, so can you.
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Old 05-20-2013, 05:52 AM
Eponine Eponine is offline
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Originally Posted by KittenPuff View Post
I am also a little jealous that he gets to date and I don't. Not many dating options out there for us ace folk.
It may be better than you think (although probably still can't compare with sexual poly folks). I'm sure there are some poly people who don't mind having a non-sexual relationship, because they're always free to have sexual relationships with others. From this perspective, poly aces may be better off than mono ones, at least for those who don't want to have sex.

It's funny that I, as an ace, actually found another relationship before my sexual husband does, because I don't mind long distance relationships. Although it's not exactly an asexual thing, I did notice that a lot of aces are open to or even like LDRs. I guess part of the reason is the physical aspect of the relationship is less important to them.
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Last edited by Eponine; 05-20-2013 at 06:38 AM.
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  #8  
Old 05-20-2013, 11:39 AM
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KittenPuff KittenPuff is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
I remember having a lot of the same feelings when my husband started dating. It helps to remember that he's with you because he wants to be with you. If you play the comparison game you're always going to lose. We are our own worst critics.
True. So very true. We talked about this and his worst fear in even asking me for it was that I would leave. I admitted that sending him out for sex elsewhere was something I had been considering for a long time. We were both relieved that neither of us wanted to leave. Now I have this creeping fear that once he finds what he's looking for, he'll realize he doesn't need me anymore for anything. I'm comfortable with him have sex with someone else. Loving someone else scares me.

I always lose the comparison game and for some sick reason continue to play it. I need to figure out how to stop that.
__________________
Asexual woman married to J, a very sexual/kinky man. I'm unemployed and home alone most of the time so I tend to get a little stir crazy.

J and I are completely new to poly and trying it out to get both our needs met without abandoning our relationship, which works tremendously well on every other level.

J has recently started dating L and says he thinks he loves her. I am alternately happy and terrified about it.
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  #9  
Old 05-20-2013, 11:43 AM
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
I used to have self-esteem issues too, but i solved them by becoming awesome. If i can do it, so can you.
Working on that. It doesn't help that I didn't eat very well this weekend and was home feeling fat and bloated as well as lonely. Today, I will get a workout in. I can't be everything I want to be, but I can make who I am better.
__________________
Asexual woman married to J, a very sexual/kinky man. I'm unemployed and home alone most of the time so I tend to get a little stir crazy.

J and I are completely new to poly and trying it out to get both our needs met without abandoning our relationship, which works tremendously well on every other level.

J has recently started dating L and says he thinks he loves her. I am alternately happy and terrified about it.
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  #10  
Old 05-20-2013, 11:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eponine View Post
It's funny that I, as an ace, actually found another relationship before my sexual husband does, because I don't mind long distance relationships. Although it's not exactly an asexual thing, I did notice that a lot of aces are open to or even like LDRs. I guess part of the reason is the physical aspect of the relationship is less important to them.
I have had so many LDRs in my life!
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Asexual woman married to J, a very sexual/kinky man. I'm unemployed and home alone most of the time so I tend to get a little stir crazy.

J and I are completely new to poly and trying it out to get both our needs met without abandoning our relationship, which works tremendously well on every other level.

J has recently started dating L and says he thinks he loves her. I am alternately happy and terrified about it.
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