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Old 07-08-2009, 02:51 PM
polycuriouss polycuriouss is offline
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Hi,

After being in a monogamous relationship for a year, my boyfriend broke up with me b/c he wants to be poly, and he didn't think I could handle it. Eventually he told me what he wants, and we are now back together.. I told him that I don't believe there's anything we can't work out as long as we decide we are committed to one another. He is extremely happy with me again and says he's completely committed to me.

Because monogamy is all I've ever known, I'm scared of this new lifestyle. All I know right now is what I DON'T want. I don't want any relationships we have with other people to become more important than OUR relationship. He explained to me that our relationship would be primary, and always more important. I'm just afraid that in the new, exciting stage of another relationship, one of us will start neglecting the other. That was an issue with us once with just a casual friend of his. I don't ever want to feel like I'm being pushed aside for someone else. I also don't want anyone else in our bed. And I would prefer that we have no overnight stays. I would insist on meeting any person he's dating, and I would introduce him to anyone I dated.

He talks about wanting to marry me and have kids, and is 100% committed to being with me. He just wants more. And I like the idea of being able to meet and date new people too. But b/c all I've known is monogamy, I'm kind of scared of falling in love with someone else. What if I meet someone and want to leave my bf for them? I trust myself not to cheat on my boyfriend, and would be honest with him if that situation came up. He told me he would be heartbroken if that happened.

How do I get over jealous feelings and just let him be happy dating others? And how do I trust myself not to fall in love and leave him. We want to date only other poly people, but we live in a small town, and that's another concern. We are most likely to meet monogamous people who run when they find out we have signiifcant others at home.

Please advise
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Old 07-08-2009, 05:51 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Hi Polycuriouss,

I don't have much time right now but I wanted to pass on some quick thoughts.

I love the fact that you are so honest in being worried about falling in love with someone else and possibly leaving your boyfriend. Does he understand your concern for this? If you are mono in the way I am it is a very real concern. I have never been able to intimately love more than one person. One love has always replaced the next for me. This is not as theory of mine, it has been tested. That does not mean this will happen to you though. You simply need to accept and communicate this possibility to your boyfriend. There is also the possibility of maintaining a mono/poly relationship such as the one I have with Redpepper.

Sometimes you just have to challenge yourself and see what develops…nothing ventured, nothing gained is the saying I believe.

Being aware of the possibilities is the most important thing...eyes wide open at all times my friend.
Take care

Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 07-09-2009 at 03:38 AM.
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Old 07-08-2009, 06:11 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by polycuriouss View Post
I don't ever want to feel like I'm being pushed aside for someone else. I also don't want anyone else in our bed. And I would prefer that we have no overnight stays. I would insist on meeting any person he's dating, and I would introduce him to anyone I dated.
WOW! Talk about getting right into the boundaries. Good job of being honest in what you would need to move foreword. IMO these are all reasonable and indicative of how I think you should proceed if you chose to explore this path while staying focussed on a long term committed relationship involving potential marriage and kids. Just makes sure he is aware of your expectations and is clear on his own.

If you are going to explore this I think this is a great set of basic boundaries to start with
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Old 07-08-2009, 11:18 PM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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Curious, I don't know you're age but it sounds like you are somewhat young. I don't mean that in a bad way, so don't take it as such, but there is just so much growing to do! So much discovery ahead of you. Maybe pain, but maybe passion and a fuller life too. Who knows? None of us do! We have all found this life along our paths at various times and with various people. It took me 50 years to fully "develop" into who I am today. You have many good questions. There are loads of answers out there ahead of you. Just do what you feel the need to do. Stay true to yourself and don't be bullied or abused into something you don't want. This life can be good for a good many people, but it probably isn't for everybody or we all would have been doing it years ago!
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