I'm 20, need relationship advice

My name is Paulie and I'm 20. I've known that I was polyamorous and pansexual since before I knew there were words for those things.

I'm having relationship troubles. I need advice from someone who has more experience with poly dating than I do.

Over three years ago, I started dating a guy, Jett, who was not poly, but told me that he didn't mind me seeing other girls. He only felt threatened by "men" (anyone with a penis). I completely fell in love with him and he became my primary. We were truly happy together and great for each other. I had a very fulfilling secondary relationship with another girl for a year, until she left me. I grieved for a while and then I felt the itch to be seeing someone else. But his "no penis" rule turned out to be a big problem twice.

The first was when I fell for a girl who was on estrogen and hadn't had bottom surgery yet. I told him. We argued about it. He considered her a man and didn't feel comfortable with it. So I broke it off with her.

The second time is my current predicament. I fell in love with a man who is a mutual friend of ours. (I'll call him Cayden.) I love Cayden just as much as I love Jett. I thought that being with Cayden would not be a problem for Jett because Cayden is asexual (which means he is not interested in sex), and sex was Jett's main problem. We talked it over, and Jett agreed to try it for a while, but he just doesn't feel okay with it, and he wants my relationship with Cayden to end now. I've tried and tried to get over Cayden, but I can't seem to.

Well, my primary Jett and I had a falling out the other night, and he broke up with me. He told me that I'm better of with Cayden, because Cayden is totally polyamorous and he is not. And he told me that if I do want to be with him (Jett), I have to end things with Cayden immediately, and then maybe we can work things out. This has made me feel like I've made a bad mistake pressing the issue.

I love my primary Jett. His condition of me not seeing other men was not a big problem until I fell in love with Cay. I don't want to leave someone who is my best friend, works so well with me, and that I love so much, for someone new I started dating four months ago.

Is it smart to stay with Jett? Can a poly person date a mono person and have it work out in the end? Can I get over Cayden? Any other advice you think is relevant? I just need to hear something helpful from someone who understands polyamory.

You could ask Jett if he's willing to do jealousy work or not. If not, call it. You are basically not compatible. Stay broken up. You cannot force him to do jealousy work if he's just not willing to do it. You have already been here a few times with this problem. If you are willing to try and he is not willing, it's still NOT BOTH WILLING, not compatible.

Do the work of the stages of grief for the loss of relationship.

At 20, you have just begun having your adult experiences. Life is long. You don't have to have them all up at the front end of your adult life. Learn to be okay with the good fun-to-feel experiences, and the not-fun experiences. That the business of the 20s, gathering experience yardsticks to help you navigate other decades.

You will be okay, honest. Hang in there and process what you have to process.

Namaste,
Galagirl

In general it's not a good sign

at all for someone to give you an ultimatum of who you can and can't be friends with. When there has not been any sort of lies or cheating about your relationships I wouldn't tolerate such a demand unless you were in recovery and every time you hung out with C you were drinking or using.

But making a decision that will drastically affect your personal life because someone on a forum advised it is not a wise thing to do.

Sometimes the way a person gives you an ultimatum can give hints about their frame of mind and intentions, it would sound less likely to be manipulation if your primary give himself an ultimatum, more along the lines of he can't be in a relationship with you if you're seeing other people. It gets hard to explain the difference since the outcomes would be the same either way, but there are many subtle different ways a person can give an ultimatum. If the person giving an ultimatum has an angry attitude that feels blaming or has an aire of punishing I would be much more suspicious than a calm, somber man who decides he can't be the boyfriend of a woman who sees other people

if that makes any sense

What are the reasons he gives you for the ultimatum to end the relationship ? If the only reason is because you and C are "close" friends I would seriously question your primaries ability love you in a healthy way.

Especially if C isn't really a very sexual person

I say that because when a partner asks their spouse to sever ties with a good friend simply because said friend has a close relationship, that is a very destructive if not pathological level of jealousy.

Human beings have so much to learn about how to have healthy, close relationships with others. It really doesn't take much to destroy relationships, just a touch of dishonesty or a tad of maliciousness that is never owned up to and firmly denied can make life miserable for all involved.

Just remember you are lucky to be so young, as I believe there will be an awakening of sorts in the mind of civilization -- an understanding if you will -- of how much more fulfilling life can and will be when we allow ourselves to have close friendships wherein we truly share our lives and our experiences with the people we choose to be close to. When honesty is present among people with shared values and beliefs, close intimate relationships yield a more rewarding life than any amount of material wealth could ever bring into human lives. And it really doesn't matter whether or not sex is included in the intimate relationships.

In twenty years the world could be a completely different world, and it will be for many people, and you'll just be turning forty.

Hang in there, and do whatever you think is right

He considered her a man.

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Well, that's just kinda shitty right there.

In the end, it's a toss up. Mono/poly relationships seem to be really hard to do, but not impossible. Still, will you be able to adhere to this rule? Doesn't seem like it so far. Like GG said, you're very young; you'll have other loves. Maybe by staying with Jett you're denying yourself the opportunity to find someone with whom you could relate on more levels, and have a more freeing, fulfilling relationship. But sure, in theory it could work.

Thank you all for your advice! Just hearing these things has calmed me a bit. I don't have a lot of people in my life who I can talk to who understand poly dating, so this has been helpful already.

I do feel like it is lucky I am young and have time for these dramas now. I also feel like you may be right when you say that staying with my primary will stop me from having some of the experiences, meeting and being with some of the people I want, while I'm young. So maybe it's best that he broke up with me. Although, I feel like he didn't do it with the purpose of actually breaking up. I feel like he did it so that I would realize the severity of the situation, and leave Cayden, and run back to him, saying, "I'm sorry I ever did that!" But that's not going to happen, because I don't know how to just stop loving someone.

Also, thank you for the link to tackling grief. I'm going to need that, no matter what!

And yeah, I was really mad that he considered the transgender woman I had a crush on to be a man. I feel that's small-minded and quite offensive. But the bottom line was that she still had a penis, so he didn't want me being with her. As small-minded as it was, there was nothing I could say to make him feel differently.

I feel like he didn't do it with the purpose of actually breaking up. I feel like he did it so that I would realize the severity of the situation and leave Cayden and run back to him, saying, "I'm sorry I ever did that!"

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The "threat of abandonment" tactic, huh? It is good you know what is manipulative behavior, and can recognize it as such. You could not let your soft feelings blind you to his character flaws and the basic unhealthiness of playing that move on you.

Love is not enough for a relationship to be healthy. There must be self-respect (you to you) and respect (him to you, you to him).

I wonder if he would have been okay with you dating Buck Angel.

Google Buck Angel at your own peril. Images will be awesome, but some may be NSFW.

Yeah, the more I've been thinking it over, the more I think it's time to end it with him. You are right about love not being enough! There are so many other things that have to come along with that love to make a relationship work.

I dunno how he'd feel about Buck Angel, but I'd like to feel Buck Angel.

AnnabelMore said:

I wonder if he would have been okay with you dating Buck Angel.

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My guess would be no. Even though Buck Angel seems like an awesome guy. I'm sure this partner would have only made more excuses.

PolyPaulie said:

Yeah, the more I've been thinking it over, the more I think it's time to end it with him. You are right about love not being enough! There are so many other things that have to come along with that love to make a relationship work.

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It's good you feel this way. I'm of a similar age to you. I definitely agree with everyone here that people like him are just not worth wasting energy on. There's too much stress in trying to not be yourself.

Paulie, you're too young to stay with a primary partner who has such jealousy issues. From my own experiences of being 20, at that age you don't really know yourself well enough to be stuck with someone who won't let you explore and live your life the way you want.

If you were, say, 40 and had kids and a long history with Jett, then it might be worth the sacrifice to work hard and make compromises to stay with him. But why do that when you are only 20?

Your case is a good example of why rules like "You can only date girls, not guys" make no sense. Some people are transgender, and their genitalia shouldn't be an issue.

I suppose you could offer your partner the chance to do some hard work getting past his jealousy (and penis-related insecurities), but I dislike the fact that he was so callous about people you dated. Why does he think it's okay to make you dump someone? Doesn't he care that it would hurt both them and you?

There are so many awesome poly-minded guys (and people of all genders) out there. Why stay with someone who sounds so... lame?

Besides couples looking to "add a third" to their relationship, to "share" a gf, the next most common issue here has been men okay with their wives or gfs dating other women, but not other men!

And besides his one-penis policy (OPP), Jett's transphobia makes me sick.

I applaud you exploring poly at your age. My daughter also did in her early 20s, but is taking a break and has been mono with her gf for a couple years. Even though one may be attracted to multiple people, successful poly hinges on knowing oneself well, having firm limits, discussing and establishing healthy boundaries. This can be hard when one is only 20-something and barely knows oneself yet! Keep up the good work. Good luck! Keep reading around the board here, read websites, read books.

Break up? Seriously, at the very least, make it clear that you won't take more from him, besides the point that it sounds like it is possible that he might be trying to control your sexuality, which a lot of monogamous people seem to desire to do to poly people. He’s clearly not poly and clearly not fine with your sexuality. He most certainly hurt Cayden. He most certainly is transphobic, and probably also ignorant about what it means to be trans, at least for a significant number of transpeople, which I quite frankly would find unforgiveable in a partner.

Somegeezer said:

People like him are just not worth wasting energy on. There's too much stress in trying to not be yourself.

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You are so right. It's just been so stressful because I'm pansexual. What's in a persons pants is the last thing I think about or am aware of. It's easy for me to fall for anyone on the spectrum. And having to try so hard to only look for a specific type of person that my primary okayed was just SO CONFUSING AND STRESSFUL.

Thank you!!!

Thank you all so much for your input! This past week has been a huge decision-making week for me, and your replies have helped me a great deal! If anyone cares to know what happened, Jett and I are broken up for good. We had a long serious talk about what we wanted now, and in the future, and resolved that we just don't make sense as a couple. We are just too different. And frankly, his transphobia makes me sick too.

On another note, Cayden and I have been dating for almost five months now. We have become much closer and I feel really great about our blossoming relationship. We seem to be making a good couple because, aside from all the small things we have in common, he is much more open-minded, and completely poly like me.

Oh, and that trans woman I mentioned? I asked her out on a date because of my newfound freedom and she said, "Finally! Of course!" So, wish me luck!

That's wonderful news. Do consider continuing to update us! (though that maybe would then be in the blog section).

PolyPaulie said:

You are so right. It's just been so stressful because I'm pansexual. What's in a persons pants is the last thing I think about or am aware of. It's easy to fall for anyone on the spectrum. And having to try so hard to only look for a specific type of person that my primary okayed was just SO CONFUSING AND STRESSFUL.

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Get yourself a cuppa tea and chill out with some music.

PolyPaulie said:

Thank you all so much for your input! This past week has been a huge decision-making week for me, and your replies have helped me a great deal! If anyone cares to know what happened, Jett and I are broken up for good. We had a long serious talk about what we wanted now and in the future, and resolved that we just don't make sense as a couple. We are just too different. And frankly, his transphobia makes me sick too.

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PolyPaulie said:

On another note, Cayden and I have been dating almost five months now. We have become much closer and I feel really great about our blossoming relationship. We seem to be making a good couple because, aside from all the small things we have in common, he is much more open-minded and completely poly like me.

Oh, and that trans woman I mentioned? I asked her out on a date because of my newfound freedom, and she said, "Finally! Of course!" So, wish me luck!

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Awesome news. Enjoy your time. I will enjoy coming back and reading any updates you post.

GalaGirl;20458is1 said:

Love is not enough for a relationship to be HEALTHY. There must be self-respect (you to you) and respect (him to you, you to him).

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Yes, I've said this quite often here. Gee, GG, it seems you've been quoting me more and more lately. Thanks for the acknowledgement.

PolyPaulie, I applaud you for knowing so clearly what you want and having the presence of mind to recognize when it's time to move on. You seem to have a good sense of self, which is impressive.

Yes, NYCindie, we do value some of the same things. Love isn't enough to sustain a relationship. There's got to be substance to it for it to last.

You can't expect someone mono-wired to be happy in a poly situation. The vary majority of the time, it's unhealthy and will fail miserably. Never accept an OPP again. It's controlling and sexist. Agreeing to it makes you equally guilty of sexism.