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  #31  
Old 07-11-2013, 09:49 PM
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franchescasc franchescasc is offline
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When it comes down to it, I just don't think she's up for a poly relationship. She gave it some effort because of how she feels about me. But it's just too much for her and she said she doesn't think it's fair that we all have to feel the way we do. Which I take issue with-but this is how I know she's not up for poly. I was willing to do the hard work-and did it. I view tackling my insecurities and opening up my life to her as a blessing. A gift of personal growth that I embrace. She viewed that as unnecessary hardship. Not sure she would ever get past that.
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franchescasc-33, bi female, likely monogomish formerly in triad relationship with:
FJ-36, married 15 yrs
MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous
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  #32  
Old 07-11-2013, 10:00 PM
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It would have been easier if she had said that, but you live and you learn. Take the experiences from the relationship, learn from them, and if you desire, utilise them to help the next relationship. The good news is that she is still going to be in your life as a friend who loves you and cares for you. Change can be good.
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  #33  
Old 07-12-2013, 12:01 AM
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Like the old Disney adage claims "you just gotta put one foot in front of the other". We all learn from our pasts. Well, some of us at least
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Me: bi, reformed wild-child turned mom and house maid LOL
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  #34  
Old 07-24-2013, 01:19 AM
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Default Not the end....of course not

So since I last posted MD and I have been solid and still connected as friends. We've been communicating so much better without the pressure of it all. Which led to her sharing that for her the pressure was to be involved with FJ. That the connection and relationship we have is so much more important to her and she always wants it. No matter what. We spent all night talking and had a really amazing time. I spent the night last night and all day with her and our girls. So triad no more-just me as the V. Despite other relationships in her or my life-we want each other. And can I say it feels amazing to hear her say she's feeling how I am. The triad thing is complicated. Her and FJ didn't make the connection and I'm so thankful it didn't fuck up what I have with her. FJ is happy-he didn't feel like he could give more of his time and energy to another relationship. And he is loving and supportive and glad MD and I still have each other. Of course what we have is sexual-but it's so much more than that and we are both in it.
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franchescasc-33, bi female, likely monogomish formerly in triad relationship with:
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MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous
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  #35  
Old 07-29-2013, 12:26 AM
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Default Just happy

I am just happy that's all. Feeling very secure and full right now. Spent the night with MD last night just hanging with our girls. Spent last Thursday with FJ and a friend out on the town. Had some intense sex with FJ that included anal play and it was more enjoyable than its ever been for me. So much trust and love right now. This spot feels exactly like where I want to be.

On the job front, I'm applying for a position that suits me quite well, and I've received great feedback from folks I've told who think I'd be perfect for the position. Reading the letters of recommendations from colleagues has been a good boost for the ego too . Fingers crossed that August brings lots of new opportunities and growth.
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franchescasc-33, bi female, likely monogomish formerly in triad relationship with:
FJ-36, married 15 yrs
MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous
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  #36  
Old 08-01-2013, 01:12 AM
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Yesterday MD's power was cut off because the company never switched it to her name and the previous renter had not paid their bill They are telling her it might not be on tomorrow. That would be 3 days without power which sucks.

Bug's dad is also acting like a piece of shit...what's new? He's got a new girl around-9 years younger just barely drinking age. And he's using his one night a week with Bug as date night-playing house with this new girl who's doing the work for him-brushing Bug's teeth and putting on her pj's. I admire MD so much, because despite her animosity for asshole, who I should start calling Fuckface, she never speaks ill of him to Bug. Bug adores her dad despite the fact that he sometimes goes weeks without seeing or talking to her. And resists paying $150-mo in child support. Fuckface has never even been to or taken Bug to any of her doctors appointments. She has 8/yr with 8 diff doctors because of a pretty serious genetic condition. Yeah-he's a real winner. Last night I took MD out to blow off some steam and when we got back to her candle-lit place-she just broke down in tears about it all. She says she just wishes Bug had a better father. That she hates him and part of her wishes Bug hated him too-but she resents her mother for doing that to her and she refuses to do that to Bug. She's amazing, strong and resilient. But she's tired of being strong. I just held her and listened and told her she was doing an amazing job-and I hope it helped.

It made me really sad that I can't be there with her all the time. I don't want to leave FJ.....but damn I wish I could give her more time. I can expand my love but not my time which just blows. We connect in such a different way than FJ and I. In many ways it feels more natural and deeper. FJ and I are polar opposites in personality. We've learned how to figure each other out....but we still don't always connect without a lot of work. It's not like that with MD. When the walls are down-we just get each other. We make love for hours and laugh and cry and sing in between. FJ is just happy working, coming home, getting sexy time and going to bed. He's happy and content with much less than I need. Sigh. I don't know how to feel about it all, and there's nothing to do, but I hate thinking of her going home after work tonight to an empty, dark house since Bug is staying with her grandmother. Kills me actually.

We had an amazing night together last night. Real openness and vulnerability that is so rare for both of us with anyone else. She senses my lack of connection with FJ right now. She's been asking me how we are and encouraging us to reconnect. Which shows me how much she cares about my life and family-but I resist talking to her fully about FJ. I hate feeling divided and honestly, my heart wants to be with her and be a bigger partner to her. But I love FJ, truly, and would never dismantle our life. It's the reality of the situation, and sometimes it hits me hard and I long for something simpler.
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franchescasc-33, bi female, likely monogomish formerly in triad relationship with:
FJ-36, married 15 yrs
MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous
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  #37  
Old 08-03-2013, 01:41 AM
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Default Frustrated

I am so frustrated with FJ right now. I have been expressing that I don't feel connected, I'm trying to reach out....and he's just apathetic about it all. Last night MD offered to keep the kids so FJ and I could go out. So we went out and it was good....if not a bit boring. I'm just not sure what we have to talk about. We need other people to be around while we're hanging out together to make it interesting. And that's lame. Maybe it's because we've had so much time together lately since I've been out of work? I am not sure. I've been bringing him lunch and seeing him during the day and trying to hang out having dates on a regular basis...but it feels very one-sided. After our date we had sex-but it was weird and pretty terrible. Maybe it was just because he had too much to drink. But whatever-it wasn't good. I find myself just wishing I could be laying on the couch snuggling with MD and talking with her. But I consciously bring myself out of that space and reach out to touch FJ and talk with him. But it's not being met with anything from him. Sigh. I just don't know what else to do.

And to make it worse, FJ was super stressed today and freaked out at really simple things-yelling at me etc. :/ Certainly not a step forward in feeling connected. Sigh
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franchescasc-33, bi female, likely monogomish formerly in triad relationship with:
FJ-36, married 15 yrs
MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous
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  #38  
Old 08-03-2013, 08:53 PM
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franchescasc franchescasc is offline
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Wow I'm finding myself here a lot. Mostly because I don't have a journal right now so here is where I come

Talked with FJ some. Seemed to have helped-will keep that up as long as it takes. We are in a funk together-just need to keep up the communication.

I'm keeping Bug tonight, and bringing my girls over for a slumber party. Looking forward to some snuggles, and a big country breakfast in the mornin together. MD will be home late-so we may all be in bed lol. But it'll be nice to wake up together I hope the space makes it sweet to come home to FJ.
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franchescasc-33, bi female, likely monogomish formerly in triad relationship with:
FJ-36, married 15 yrs
MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous
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