Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 07-09-2013, 02:10 PM
franchescasc's Avatar
franchescasc franchescasc is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 123
Default updates

It's been a while since I updated...although I've composed many a post in my head. There has just been so much going on.

The visit with LT was fabulous. It was so good to reconnect after everything that's happened this year. She is firmly on my side, asking questions about how MD is, how the relationship works, what I'm feeling, etc. All in a loving, friendly way-back to how we have always operated. She is still concerned, but she doesn't vilify me. I'm concerned for me too lol.

At one point in the trip, we went to a bar that was hosting a Write Club event. If you live anywhere near one of their chapters-don't miss it! Basically, there are 3 opposing topic sets, and people who have written something and battle with their words. Not debate, just something they have written, and people vote by applause for who has won the round. The winner chooses which charity the proceeds go to. This event was right up LT & I's alley. We are both total lit geeks, and love debating the content of a book, watching TED talks together, etc.
We walked up to the bar, which had a menu full of amazing food truck type menu and specialty cocktails, and quickly decided to share some pickled fried okra and chicken & waffles. Jeebus-that shit was amazing! We then settled down in our seats to watch the Write Club. The energy was amazing, the place was packed, and I was feeding off of the community of the group. One of the topics was Trash vs Treasure, and the Trash portion made me sob. SOB! Tears streaming down my face. She spoke of how she grew up singing a Redemption Song....how she built her identity, her sexuality, her value around this Redemption Song. But how this was not like Bob Marley's Redemption Song....it was not about freedom. That in her heart-she knew something was off. It was wrecking her body with ailments....after all it's spirit over body in the Christian paradigm. Then she said during their mountain years (we also live in the mountains)...she felt a stirring. A princess and the pea moment. And she knew she couldn't keep singing the same Redemption song. She said it was like her husband saying to her-I love you in spite of yourself. But you are dirty and broken, and you can't even be in my presence without repenting. Shoo....that really got my waterworks going. So she walked out of church...and told God that if he/she/whomever damned her to hell for that, then shame on them. Now she sings a different Redemption Song. One of love for the oozy, gooey mess that we are. One of love that celebrates a connection with others. One that loves the tangled mess of sinner/saint that we all are. She ended it by saying: "I am not trash"

This spoke perfectly to the spiritual crisis I've been going through. It was like she took my emotions and wrote them down on a piece of paper. Gawd. I shared it with FJ, because he's had a hard time with my shift. We've always been of the same spiritual mind until now. And, in most ways, we still are....we just express it differently. We had a great discussion about the piece, and it felt good to have him really listen to my feelings without attaching his own feelings to it.


Oops-I forgot to update about MD & FJ's date night. I was having an awesome event....loving every moment of it. I looked hot that night, and got oodles of complements and some heavy hitting flirting from a few nice looking guys. Great way to boost my ego while my 2 loves were together. I had asked FJ to be home around midnight so that we had a chance to reconnect before I left early the next morning. Well, around 11:30 I start getting texts from MD asking if FJ had to be home at midnight. :/ Then one from him asking if I minded if he stayed another hour. Well fuck me. My high from a successful event and all that flirting plummeted. I felt like FJ was putting me in an antagonistic, me-against-them, position. Like I was his mother who gave him a curfew. Me asking him to be home at midnight was a request....NOT a rule. And we've had many convos where I've told him as much. We are independent people...I don't make the rules for him. If he agreed that we needed to reconnect before I left-then he should've owned it as something HE wanted. Not my rule being imposed on him and making him miss out on all the fun. So I calmly texted them both back saying if they were enjoying themselves, not to worry about me, that I was headed home to relieve the babysitter. When FJ got home, he recounted their date and activities...told me that MD cried when he had to leave because she was lonely and really wanted him to stay :/. He wasn't feeling very well (came down with a terrible cold the next day) and went to bed. No reconnecting happened at all. Not even a kiss from him. Then I'm getting texts from MD about how she had a great night, and wished he could've stayed. Telling me we all need to get away soon. I felt like shit. FJ snoring next to me without reconnecting with me, but being with MD alone which I've so desperately wanted-and her pining over him. Gah. I cried myself to sleep.
__________________
franchescasc-33, bi female, likely monogomish formerly in triad relationship with:
FJ-36, married 15 yrs
MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 07-09-2013, 02:37 PM
franchescasc's Avatar
franchescasc franchescasc is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 123
Default

Well, FJ and I hashed it out, and I felt better leaving the next morning. I know shit happens, and we're all still figuring this out. But GODDAMN...I felt like I was pretty damn clear about my needs. I know I'm responsible for my own happiness.

So since then I've been really up and down. Time with MD was erratic, and always involved the kids. Meanwhile, she's been chilling a lot with a friend of hers that lives close by to her new house. A friend that she hasn't hung out with since I've been hanging out with her.....but is over there now 2-4 times per week. And the thing is they drink and laugh and have a grand ole time. I'm envious...because I haven't had that in a while with her. It's been all moving and business with me...very little fun. The one chance I've had for fun with her was on the 4th of July....and Bug was there and AWAKE until 3am. That little girl is awesome...but she lives on a bartender's schedule, and it really sucks sometimes.

We finally kissed for the first time in a month that night. And after Bug went to sleep, we were intimate for the first time since May. Yeah...it's been awhile. And we were both tired and buzzed...so it was great, but short lived. Afterwards, I texted her the next day telling her it was so great to be with her last night and that I loved her. Nothing. No response....nothing. Who does that?? I tried to assume she didn't get the message, but it's hard for me to believe since she got every other one that day. Made me feel kinda shitty.

The good thing about that night was that the day before I was short and pissy in my texts and she could tell. I was tired of feeling more invested in this relationship than she was, and tired of trying to figure out what the hell was going on. We didn't get to finish our convo, and the next morning I realized it was not going to go anywhere, I was overreacting based on my insecurities, and told her to just ignore it. And I really was fine, totally happy and refocused on living in the moment. That night, we did fireworks with the kids and when it was time to go, she asked if I would stay. FJ took the kids home, and she started talking about the night before. She was making an effort to really let me know she cared, and wasn't trying to brush me off. I told her that I was trying really hard to be patient, to go against my communication style to give her the space she needs. But that sometimes I need to see that kind of effort from her....for her to meet me where I'm at too. It was a good, positive convo that really suprised the hell out of me. It is not like her at all to bring it up, so it meant a lot to me that she thinks I'm important enough to bring up the hard shit. She also asked me if I was jealous the night FJ was over, and I told her that I was...but not of FJ's time. I was jealous of HER time. That I really needed that time with her. She agreed, and we had a good night laughing, and then ended in bed together.

But like I said, Bug was there. It was just not the emotional connection I am craving with her....that space carved out just for us. :/ And since she didn't say anything about it again...I am left insecure about whether she just wanted to appease me. Didn't feel like that at the time....but I question it. Ugh.

So since then, I've watched Bug twice, but not hung out with MD outside of a little lingering after she comes home from work before I've left. FJ and I also haven't really connected solo. Lots of kids and house stuff...oh and our dog had puppies! We've been busy. But guess what? FJ & MD have another date tonight. FJ and I haven't been on a date since we got away for the weekend mid June, although we are going to a concert overnight this weekend. So he & I get once a month....he and MD are on an every-other-week schedule apparently and I get to see her alone without kids.....when exactly?? I don't even remember the last time that happened for her and I.....end of April?? Gah...it's hard to work on my insecurities when they are rooted in the fear of losing her attention...and that's exactly what seems to be happening. In the last month I've helped her move, pack...unpack....clean, driven her to dr's appointments, sent her cards in the mail, watched Bug for her for free......and I've gotten nothing from that. Hardly even any affection. Lots of thank you's, you're the best, blah blah blah. Don't get me wrong. I don't do it all to get in her pants. I do it because it's at the core of who I am. I help people I love. But it would be nice to feel loved back. Feeling a little used and trampled on.

And as much as I agree that we need separate dyads happening here....we are all still interconnected. And I feel like I can't talk to either of them about shit, because they both tend to clam up and shut everything down when I do that. And that's the opposite of what I want. So instead I'm here rambling....saying shit out of order, and wondering what the hell I'm going to do with myself tonight.
__________________
franchescasc-33, bi female, likely monogomish formerly in triad relationship with:
FJ-36, married 15 yrs
MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 07-10-2013, 12:57 AM
monkeystyle monkeystyle is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 123
Default

Your last post struck a nerve in me. I too have wished many times for a loved one to recognize effort AND reciprocate with some of their own. I think for all the talk though, some people are just not wired to have that mindfulness about their relationships. Either you have to literally tell them what you want before you do things from them - or throw the dice and expect them to aware of what's going on (bad idea usually). I had a lot of resentment about this because things were rather one-sided on the scoresheet after a while, but finally recognized what I literally had to speak up and say. And I hate doing that really, but it's a solution that seems to work.

Best of luck with your partner - and good grief that baby needs a normal sleep schedule!
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 07-10-2013, 03:33 AM
franchescasc's Avatar
franchescasc franchescasc is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 123
Default Bad place

I'm sorta drunk and not in the best place. I'm lonely as hell while the two people I love are together. FJ is spending the night at MD's place. And I've done that before--but never without having to leave at 7am. I'm a mess. And they are both asking me how I am. I want to say I'm crying myself to sleep and I'm a fucking mess. But I'm not. I'm telling them to stop worrying about me. That I'm fine. Which is not the truth. But I don't want to change how they handle their night because of my baggage. Gin and tonics help.
__________________
franchescasc-33, bi female, likely monogomish formerly in triad relationship with:
FJ-36, married 15 yrs
MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous

Last edited by franchescasc; 07-10-2013 at 09:50 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 07-10-2013, 02:20 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 905
Default

I am sorry you are/were hurting. I think the three of you need to sit down and talk about some things. You can be the Mother Theresa of giving, but if nothing is ever reciprocated, resentment may start to build. You have watched Bug, been reduced to once a month dates, limited affection/interaction with her, and I guess my question to you is...are you needs really being met? It does not sound like it. You were working on the internal stuff and trying to deal with your jealousy and reactions to the overnights. It seems like there is no balance within the dyads. He spends at least one overnight every other week. When you spend the night, you have to be home before 7 AM? How often do you spend the night? It is unrealistic to not want to spend time with someone you love and care about.

You sound like the free help. Moving, packing, babysitter, taking her to doctor's appointments, etc. I see why you are wondering when the two of you get time together. If the last time was April, that is bad. Is there any way your husband can watch the children for a weekend, so you and her can spend some time together.

If you are waiting on schedules to clear, from one mum/wife to another, it will never happen. There will always be something to do. You have to carve out time. I hated living by a schedule, and I will never do it again. I would strongly suggest a schedule for your triad, though. Alternate the weeks of the month, so it will balance out. The three of you can sit down with your respective schedules and do it on a month by month basis. What the rest of July looks like may not be what August will look like. I am doing this on the basis of working during the day. If either of you work overnight, this will surely be different. Hopefully the basic gist gives you an idea, though and something to work with.

MTW -- at home with the hubby and children; squeeze a date in with one or maybe both; fit some you time in on one of these days; get your hair done, buy some lingerie, or whatever.
Thurs -- date night/possible overnight with her for you.
Friday -- date night with your DH -- even if you just stay in, cuddle, feed each other ice cream, watch a movie, or just cook dinner together; do not talk about your children, your pets, your girlfriend, your careers, or anything else; focus on one another and reconnecting after a busy week; grown-up conversation basically; hire a babysitter if necessary. There are plenty of teenagers who would love to make a little extra money. You and your DH can alternate date planning weeks. This is what we do, and it allows us to partake in each other's respective interests. It does not have to be anything fancy. Maybe there is a movie you want to see. If so, he might treat you to it. Maybe there is a new restaurant he is dying to try, maybe you can treat him.
Sat -- During the day, if you are both off, do something with your children. Children grow up really fast. That night: DH's date night/possible overnight with her.
Sun -- family time; family dinner with GF, DH, and all children; while she is there or you guys are over there, take the tame to discuss if all needs were met during the prior week; if not, re-work the schedule and figure out what you can do differently for the upcoming week.

With scheduling, you have to allow a cushion for the unexpected. Maybe one of you is struck with the flu or a child has a fever. Maybe you want to spend more time with her than with him. Push back the date with him and see if that is okay. Maybe she wants to spend more time with him than you. Tweak it as necessary. All three of you have to be flexible and willing to compromise. I hope this helps.

Ry
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 07-10-2013, 05:44 PM
franchescasc's Avatar
franchescasc franchescasc is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 123
Post Today is good

Hi Ry-thanks for visiting and chiming in. I am doing much better today. Last night was actually FJ's first overnight with MD, last time he came home around 1am. And to be fair-only the second one on one date they've had. It is out of balance because their relationship is new-and I wanted to give them space to figure out their dyad. And when I had to leave at 7-it was because I needed to be at work at 8am. I actually see MD all the time and way more than FJ-just rarely without her daughter or my kids around. (I just got back from lunch with her and our daughters) This is mostly because she's a single mom-and her only night without her daughter is Tuesday evenings. She works nights as a bartender, so her mom already babysits frequently for her. Anyways-i do plan to ask for some kid free time with her soon. She's planning to make me dinner as a thank you for helping her out, and I'm looking forward to it. And FJ and I are going out of town overnight this weekend without kids to see the Black Keys and Flaming Lips in concert-woohoo! Big indulgence for us because we are financially tight right now since I just quit my job.

FJ had a nice time last night, but had some difficulties performing sexually. He says he is having a hard time wrapping his mind around it. For now, he wants to hang out and build the friendship, but not force anything beyond that unless its natural. This is why they needed the space to figure out their connection....he wasn't even sure what he was up for. Nothing really changes-we will all still hang out and they have the freedom to explore if they want to. Right now they're both happy to go slow. I'm so thankful they are both level-headed and not flying by the seats of their pants. Gives me so much comfort that I'm not going to be left in the dust.

Not sure what the nature of our relationship will evolve into-but things feel good right now.
__________________
franchescasc-33, bi female, likely monogomish formerly in triad relationship with:
FJ-36, married 15 yrs
MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 07-11-2013, 05:57 PM
franchescasc's Avatar
franchescasc franchescasc is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 123
Default Bummer

So I asked MD how she was feeling about us today. And she said she felt like keeping intimacy as part of our relationship was putting too much pressure on things, and was screwing up our friendship. She said she loved me and our friendship and would rather just have a fantastic friendship than the pressure of the intimacy.
__________________
franchescasc-33, bi female, likely monogomish formerly in triad relationship with:
FJ-36, married 15 yrs
MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 07-11-2013, 08:36 PM
Malfunktions's Avatar
Malfunktions Malfunktions is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NB, Canada
Posts: 203
Default

I am sorry to hear about the dynamic change but its kinda better than nothing at all, right? Wish I could be helpful.
__________________
It's just me, my ramblings and the elevator music in my head.

OKC Profile

Me: bi, reformed wild-child turned mom and house maid LOL
Crux: straight/hypersexual, possibly mono?
BC: our son, 5 years
CM: second son 9 months.
Mouse: girlfriend! Status new, feelings not so much.
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 07-11-2013, 08:56 PM
franchescasc's Avatar
franchescasc franchescasc is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 123
Default Processing

Still processing how I feel about it. She's probably right. But it's really hard to just turn off the desire. Impossible? No. I've done it before. Just don't want the back and forth anymore.
__________________
franchescasc-33, bi female, likely monogomish formerly in triad relationship with:
FJ-36, married 15 yrs
MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 07-11-2013, 09:32 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 905
Default

I am sorry about the dynamic change. I feared that, but I was trying to be optimistic. Continue processing your feelings and take some time away from her, if you need to.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:51 AM.