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  #11  
Old 06-14-2013, 05:51 PM
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franchescasc franchescasc is offline
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Default random thoughts

I hate my job right now. First time I've worked full time in an office since college or having my babies. I was excited to work full time, and have benefits. But it's not doing it for me. I loved the autonomy of my previous job, which worked out to full time hours when I added in extra consulting gigs I got on the side. I got to be social, recognized for my achievements, in control of my schedule and agenda, and really energized by the work I was doing. This job had the promise of most of that....but it hasn't turned out that way.

I work for a non-profit, which really fits me because I have to feel passionate for the work I'm doing. I am a perfectionist, and sort of a cocky SOB. I tend to see the whole picture, and what should be done to achieve a goal. I can't fucking stand it when people are incompetent. Drives me bat shit crazy. Unfortunately, the organization I work for currently is a mess. Our mission statement is ineffectual, there is no cohesive branding or marketing message, and as a whole the community is damn confused about what we do. My job is in community relations and fundraising, and it's impossible to do without a clear mission and direction. What sucks is that I can't just make that happen....we have an executive director who is wishy washy and clueless, and a board of directors that are so far removed from what we are doing, that they make stupid decisions. After being here for 7 months, I'm ready to quit. I have consistently pointed out the need for a clear mission statement, and from there a branding and marketing effort that stems from our mission. And yet....we don't have it. Back and forth bullshit about why that hasn't happened. And since this is such a small town, I refuse to burn the bridges and connections that I've made representing a shitty institution.

So I've decided to put my 2 weeks in on Monday. It's weighing heavy on me, because I'm not a quitter. And I don't feel like I got done what I came here to do. But realistically, my hands are tied. In the mean time, I will help FJ at his shop selling extra inventory on eBay to make ends meet. I do have a lead on a new job opening up working for the town, under a person I respect and have collaborated with on other projects. That position would have clear direction, great benefits, and some autonomy which is necessary for me. There's a good chance I'll get it with the experience I have...but I can't be for certain.

I have a motto in my life: If it's not working for you-change it. That's why we packed up 4 kids and moved from a big city to a rural part of the country. That's why FJ quit his job and started his business on a boot-strap budget. It's why we stopped homeschooling the kids and put them in public school. I refuse to waste one second being miserable in my life if I have the power to change the circumstances. So here I go again....it doesn't get easier or less scary.
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franchescasc-33, bi female, likely monogomish formerly in triad relationship with:
FJ-36, married 15 yrs
MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous
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  #12  
Old 06-15-2013, 12:41 PM
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Default Ahhhh vacation

FJ and I don't get to vaca much. We have 5 kids!!! The closest grandparent is 12 hours drive, and she doesn't make it to town often. So this is a real treat for us. Laying around-not thinking about kids or chores or work. It's quite lovely. We are in a rustic cabin with a creek bubbling in the back, divine bed and a hot tub. I've lost count of the orgasms reconnecting is so important.

Of course I'm thinking of MD while I'm here. How complicated time management is going to be. We want to go away the three of us, but we'll all need time alone too. I worry she's feeling left out while we're gone. We've texted a few times, and that's been good. Sigh. One step at a time-not trying to get ahead of myself.
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franchescasc-33, bi female, likely monogomish formerly in triad relationship with:
FJ-36, married 15 yrs
MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous
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  #13  
Old 06-17-2013, 01:28 AM
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Default Back to reality

Ah, we've made it back home to some adorable kids who were happy to see us. Enjoyed my weekend of easy time with FJ, being goofy and snuggly, sleepy and horny....it is just so natural to be with FJ. The perfect cool mountain summer weather didn't hurt either-it was such serenity.

We walked around an art show and picked up a necklace for MD. Handcrafted with a turquoise medallion and 2 little charms hanging off it. We got to see her when we got back today, helped her move a load of stuff to her new place. She loved the gift

I wrote her a letter to tell her I was thinking of her on Fathers Day-we've both lost our fathers. I also wrote that I was happy we had made it past some tough spots and that the break really helped me get my brain back. Hope I didn't lay it on too thick. We'll see if she even mentions it. I didn't write it for a response, so if I get one great, if not life goes on.
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franchescasc-33, bi female, likely monogomish formerly in triad relationship with:
FJ-36, married 15 yrs
MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous
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  #14  
Old 06-18-2013, 06:48 PM
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Default Did the deed...

I submitted my 2 week notice and resignation letter yesterday. I didn't get tongue-tied while talking to the executive director, so I felt like I said everything that I had intended to say.

In some ways I feel like there's a weight lifted from my back....although this will be the longest 2 weeks of my life!! In other ways I'm scared. I get a lot of satisfaction from working, and in many ways my identity is wrapped up in being the best at what I do. But now I don't have anything lined up besides working for FJ while looking for a job. I will be focusing on strengthening a side business that I really love, so that'll be good. But I still worry about not finding a job that I can embrace. But this one wasn't working for me, so it's better than being miserable! Who knows what life will bring.

FJ and I were tense last night. I was majorly stressing about the job thing, and he was tired and stressed after a long day and didn't have the patience to deal with my freak out. So he just closed his eyes and went to bed. Gah, I hate that. But I've learned to just let him have some space, and he'll come back and help me through my shit in time. It's just hard not to feel a little abandoned while I'm waiting. MD could tell something was off and asked. (She has uncanny insight) We talked about the job situation, etc. and she made me feel much better, and encouraged. She was really sweet to me, and it was nice to feel some affection from her emotionally.

Tonight I'm helping her move some more boxes to her new place. Love seeing her face even if we're just working. I can't wait till she moves in. She's talked about having us all over. She's also talked about having FJ over for a date night. I know I see her on my own all the time, but it's usually with her daughter around, so I'm going to have to specifically ask for a date night for us too without children when life gets back to normal. Or maybe, she'll ask for it too. One step at a time, I feel good about things right now.
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franchescasc-33, bi female, likely monogomish formerly in triad relationship with:
FJ-36, married 15 yrs
MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous
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  #15  
Old 06-22-2013, 12:51 PM
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Default Life keeps moving along

Been having some good time with MD. Just helping, moving, talking, joking etc. A couple of days ago after a long day of moving, we all decided to take the kids to a free concert in town. The kids were acting up, and so we packed up and went to have dinner and beers at MD's new place. We had all had long days, and the kids were extra irritating (as kids sometimes are). FJ had really just wanted to go home and decompress, but decided to join us anyways.

We got my kids settled into bed-MD's new place has more room for them to sleep over -and the three of us were going to snuggle in and watch a movie. Bug was having a hard time going to sleep, so we turned off the TV and waited for MD to get her settled. When MD came back in the room she was obviously stressed and said she just wanted to go to sleep. I was totally fine just snuggling and sleeping, and was looking forward to all waking up together. So here's where things got weird....

As I mentioned before, FJ was tired and had sorta just wanted to go home. But he felt pressured by me to all hang out, so he stayed. Of course this was just an assumption on his part, I did not tell him he couldn't leave. Because of previous conversations, he knew that I was eager to all be together again, and he felt some sort of duty to make that happen. Which is silly, but there was the essential breakdown in communication. FJ was also uncomfortable because we had talked about him not spending the night when Bug was with MD so that she wouldn't get confused...at least not yet. This was discussed between FJ and I because her history with her dad coming in and out of her life. So all this was in the back of his mind.

When MD came back to bed, FJ was feeling amorous and tried to initiate with MD. When she reiterated that she just wanted to sleep, FJ got up and said he needed to go home. Well, that was really shitty timing, and he didn't communicate all the reasons why he was feeling uncomfortable. So it seemed like he couldn't get MD to "give it up" and that's why he was leaving. He left, and I stayed because the kids were there and I didn't want to wake them after midnight. He texted a few times, trying to explain, but MD was pretty upset. Said she wasn't just a piece of ass, and this wasn't all about sex for her, and if we couldn't just lay in bed without having sex, there was something wrong and she had been wrong about a lot of things. Which of course, I agree with. She said FJ made her feel like every other experience with men she has had. :/

When it came down to it, FJ was just conflicted and uncomfortable with the whole situation. He would've been happy to sit there and watch a movie, but felt like he was responsible for making something happen for my sake. After we talked about it, I told him under no circumstances do I want him to do anything he feels pressured to do or that he's uncomfortable with, and that he misread me. He also expressed discomfort spending the night with Bug there, because he felt like that took him to a new level of intimacy and entanglement in MD's life. A level he wasn't sure how he or MD felt about. He was also just exhausted and wanted to sleep in his bed, not feeling like he'd be able to relax and sleep there. But in the moment, he didn't express any of this, and it was really shitty timing. MD and he have talked about it and will work it out, I'm sure.

So this is the great thing about making sure we have separate dyads going on. When there is a conflict between MD and FJ, it doesn't have to involve me. We are individuals with individual relationships with each other, and she doesn't associate a conflict with FJ as also being a conflict with me. I did a good job of staying out of it and not trying to talk for FJ, which was difficult for me. I know him better than he knows himself sometimes, and I could've guessed what he was thinking/feeling. But that's my history with him, and MD and he will have to build their own history, and style of conflict resolution. It can't be based on my way of dealing with FJ's communication style. So her and I talked about how she felt, and I comforted her without taking sides. It just reinforced my commitment to making sure I'm investing in and nurturing each relationship separately.

We talked more last night, just about her day and stress over money, etc. She thanked me for loving her, and for being there for her. We are spending lots of time together, none of it physical for now, but all of it quality and meaningful. It's building a foundation, more than friends, but not over the top NRE anymore. I'm happy with that, and not obsessing about every little thing has been the best thing for our relationship ever. So thankful that little break did the trick to open my eyes.
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franchescasc-33, bi female, likely monogomish formerly in triad relationship with:
FJ-36, married 15 yrs
MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous
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  #16  
Old 06-22-2013, 04:07 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Default

Just wanna say how awesome I think your most recent post was. Communication breakdowns happen, it's how you deal with them that shows the true strength of the relationships you're building. I really admire your approach to the triad structure y'all have found yourselves in. Wishing you the best!
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  #17  
Old 06-22-2013, 07:33 PM
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franchescasc franchescasc is offline
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Default Thanks

Thanks Annabel-we definitely didn't plan any of this but I've learned so much about myself and gained a life long friend. No matter what happens I know that wont change. All of the advice I've received here has really helped the way I'm approaching this whole thing. Learning as we trudge along
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franchescasc-33, bi female, likely monogomish formerly in triad relationship with:
FJ-36, married 15 yrs
MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous
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  #18  
Old 06-23-2013, 12:28 AM
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franchescasc franchescasc is offline
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Default Time

Time management could get complicated. Hell it already is :/ FJ is worried he just doesn't have enough to give MD. I tell him it's premature to jump to that conclusion because she hasn't said what she needs from him. But I can see it weighing on his mind. She asked him to come over and make him dinner Tuesday might, but I have an event that night so we'd have to get childcare-which is kinda unaffordable right now since I just quit my job :/ I went ahead and asked a friend if she could keep the kids....we will actually only have two to figure out since the others will be at camp. But I'm sorta mad at myself for doing that. If FJ wants a date, shouldn't he be responsible for figuring out childcare if I'm not going to be home? I know him, and he's unlikely to make the effort. Sigh...but waahh I really want a date night :/ I am trying to help them have their needs met, but I feel selfish for asking for my time. And I also feel presumptuous...like I need to wait for MD to ask me. I'm not sure why I let it be her call? Because I feel like she needs to make the first step to let me know what page she's on and what kind of relationship she wants with me I guess. It just sucks waiting. And it sucks that I am directly affected logistically by her and FJ's alone time. It would be easier to manage my insecurities if it were someone else she was involved with-then I wouldn't have to know all the details. Idk. This is a down moment for me. Just processing it for now. Not talking to FJ about it yet. He's overwhelmed and I don't feel right asking him to bear with my hang ups right now. And I'm not going to start the cycle of obsession with MD again. So I'll chew on it and wait.
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franchescasc-33, bi female, likely monogomish formerly in triad relationship with:
FJ-36, married 15 yrs
MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous
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  #19  
Old 06-25-2013, 01:27 AM
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Default Back to compersion

Yay! I'm excited for FJ and MD to have some time together! Some of that is because I can feel the love between the two of us, so I don't have to wade through my insecurities to get to my happiness for them. I can tell they are a little tense with each other after the other night, and I know they need the time to really talk face to face. I asked FJ to be home around midnight because I'm leaving for an out of town trip for 3 days to visit my BFF the next day, and I'd like to make sure we reconnect. He's fine with that, and today I felt like I'd really be ok if he spent the night. (Of course if they wanted that). I didn't say anything though, because my feelings might change tomorrow :/

But for now I'm super happy with MD and I's relationship and FJ and I's relationship so I only feel happy for them to get to spend time together. I hope they can find something beyond the physical and enjoy hanging out together. They need to connect on that level if it'll be a triad. If not o really hope MD and I can continue to be more than friends.
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franchescasc-33, bi female, likely monogomish formerly in triad relationship with:
FJ-36, married 15 yrs
MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous
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  #20  
Old 06-25-2013, 09:09 PM
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franchescasc franchescasc is offline
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Default Tonight will be a good night :)

I have a sold out event tonight woohoo! The best part is its a crazy group of fun people so I'll have a blast AND get paid

No insecurities about MD and FJ's date tonight. Working hard to get to the root of insecurities and then owning them as my shit to work through has been awesome. I am more confident, lively, loving and in tune with myself and my partners. Because of that I've been receiving the love and assurances I need without asking it's great and feels so natural.

Tomorrow I leave to visit with my bestie for a few days. Yes this one: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=41750
I can't wait. We are in a really good place right now. She doesn't know anything about FJ's involvement, and I'm not rocking the boat. There are still too many unanswered questions about where that's going. It's actually weird to call her my best friend because MD is really my closest friend right now. I guess that's what LT was worried about. Ah well, I plan to enjoy what I love about hanging with LT and relax for a couple of days.
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FJ-36, married 15 yrs
MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous
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