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  #1  
Old 05-13-2013, 04:02 PM
taytay85 taytay85 is offline
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Exclamation Is this a poly abusive relationship?

My primary and I have had a rough road. It started before I moved from Washington state to California to be with him. We met on-line, dated long distance for about a year and the entire time discussed poly and how we were going to practice it.

Unfortunately he had already been seeing another woman and the relationship continued through me moving here. I became pregnant, it continued and ended when I had a miscarriage. I recognize now that whenever he contacted her it was when I was having a problem coping with pregnancy and really needed him. I only found out about the other relationship right before I had the miscarriage. The other woman had no idea I didn't know. We went to counseling for a brief time but was unrelated to his hidden relationship as I still hadn't found out about his other girlfriend.

He apologized yet stressed,( I am paraphrasing) that it was my fault because I wasn’t as progressed as he is in poly and I should have had better reactions. So he had to lie.

His ex gf/friend, told me he did the same thing when they were primary. That doesn’t sit well with me.

I dated briefly in the beginning of our relationship, but stopped when our problems started. Our problems have been huge. I have been so irritated with his constant need to criticize me and looks for hidden meaning behind my words that I almost ended the relationship 2wks ago. He told me he didn't want that to happen so he suggested counseling (yes, again) as an alternative.

Since then he has not put any “work” into our relationship. Currently he is talking to another woman. He was forthcoming and even gave me her number when I asked if I could meet her. However, our relationship is in the gutter. We aren’t intimate, we don’t talk about us, but he has time to plan a date with Rebecca. I asked him lastnight if he felt this was a good time to get to know the other woman. He immediately shut down and began to mope and mutter under his breath.

I have been accused of wanting monogamy, accused of trying to close our relationship until it is perfect and the new one is, I am playing head games.
Can you please make sense of this? I really appreciate any feedback I can get… I made a lot of sacrifices to be with him and I want to give this one last shot.
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  #2  
Old 05-14-2013, 02:41 AM
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FindingMyselfInTheGrey FindingMyselfInTheGrey is offline
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First, let me say that I am relatively new to the poly lifestyle as we have only recently opened our relationship, so for what it’s worth, here's my opinion:

Quote:
Originally Posted by taytay85 View Post
Unfortunately he had already been seeing another woman and the relationship continued through me moving here. I became pregnant, it continued and ended when I had a miscarriage. I recognize now that whenever he contacted her it was when I was having a problem coping with pregnancy and really needed him. I only found out about the other relationship right before I had the miscarriage. The other woman had no idea I didn't know. We went to counseling for a brief time but was unrelated to his hidden relationship as I still hadn't found out about his other girlfriend.

He apologized yet stressed, (I am paraphrasing) that it was my fault because I wasn’t as progressed as he is in poly and I should have had better reactions. So he had to lie.
This is my first area of concern. The basic premise of the poly lifestyle (as I understand it) is to be honest with ALL partners, and to move at the pace of the slowest partner. So for him to (1) withhold information about his other relationship and (2) to move faster that he thinks you are ready for are both areas where it seems fair for you to be concerned about the health of your relationship with him. BUT when he begins to blame you for the relationship shortcomings-which were cause by him not being forthcoming and honest about other relationships he was also in is a red flag.

Quote:
Originally Posted by taytay85 View Post
I dated briefly in the beginning of our relationship, but stopped when our problems started. Our problems have been huge. I have been so irritated with his constant need to criticize me and looks for hidden meaning behind my words that I almost ended the relationship 2wks ago. He told me he didn't want that to happen so he suggested counseling (yes, again) as an alternative.

Since then he has not put any “work” into our relationship.
Counseling only works when ALL parties agree that they share in the insufficiencies in the relationship and are ALL willing to put forth the efforts needed to rebuild the relationship

Quote:
Originally Posted by taytay85 View Post
Currently he is talking to another woman. He was forthcoming and even gave me her number when I asked if I could meet her. However, our relationship is in the gutter. We aren’t intimate, we don’t talk about us, but he has time to plan a date with Rebecca. I asked him last night if he felt this was a good time to get to know the other woman.

I have been accused of wanting monogamy, accused of trying to close our relationship until it is perfect and the new one is, I am playing head games.
Asking for time (alone) with him, to focus on the relationship you share before beginning a new one sounds pretty fair to me. Even in a monogamous relationship, there are times when you need to put aside outside distractors to focus on rebuilding a healthy relationship with your partner. Perfection is unattainable and is unfair of either of you to expect from each other, but as you say, you are currently experiencing poor communication, and no intimacy: the lack of those in any relationship should be of a concern to all involved.

I am not going to act as judge and jury and tell you this is or isn't an abusive relationship, because I honestly don't know. You are going to have to do a bit of soul searching and come up with an answer for yourself. And you may find that its not abusive, but still be a relationship that you no longer want a part of because you discover it is too far gone and is no longer worth saving.

I will recommend going to counseling for you, without him. It sounds like you need an objective listener to help you work through these questions and concerns. From my own experience I do suggest a counselor, and not a family member or friend-you wouldn't want to ruin any of those relationships on accident.
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  #3  
Old 05-14-2013, 03:34 AM
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nancyfore nancyfore is offline
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He seems to be abusive, period.. It has nothing to do with being poly...
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  #4  
Old 05-14-2013, 03:45 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Most polyshipping people are decent people. But that doesn't mean there are no wackos ever hiding in there.

It is normal when changing relationship models to have struggle and maybe experience some poly hell feelings. Could talk about it and tend to BOTH his partners decently through the transition time to the "new normal" that is stable. But he didn't, did he?

If he's just it it for his own cookies and no so much his partners? Be leery. He lies? To both of you? Leaves info out? Treats you pregnant this way? Blame shifts his poor conduct on to others? This is not a stellar dating partner, hon.

He's seems to putting you down and treating your poorly. I am not there. I don't know if there's more, but some of that conduct is def poor conduct.

If you have to wonder if you are being abused? Do you need an assessment tool? Here you go. Could measure his behaviors against this sheet. Specifically? Possible sections 1, 2, and 10.

http://speakoutloud.net/wp-content/u...urphy-2010.pdf

Anything else ping there for you?

You are responsible for your own emergency preparedness. You could review his behavior with a healthy skepticism. That's no way to polyship or treat a pregnant person. That's for sure!

If he is indeed treating you poorly out to ABUSE level? You could make plans to leave. SAFELY.

Be careful.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-14-2013 at 03:55 AM.
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  #5  
Old 05-15-2013, 07:32 PM
alternativevirgo alternativevirgo is offline
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I'm new to poly, but my understanding is that honesty/consent/respect for each other's boundaries are central to making a poly relationship work.

By your account: he was not honest with you about seeing other people (a lie of omission is still a lie); while you did consent to a poly relationship, you did not consent to him hiding his other relationships from you and abandoning you while pregnant to be with one of his other partners when you needed him; and he did not treat what I am assuming are your boundaries (honesty, being there when you need him) with respect.

Abusive or not- this is toxic.

Furthermore, he sounds like he lacks the emotional maturity to have an adult relationship, regardless of whether it is poly or mono: he doesn't validate/show empathy for your feelings; he shuts down communication if it is about something he doesn't want to hear; he FREAKING LEAVES YOU TO BE WITH ANOTHER PARTNER WHILE YOU ARE PREGNANT AND NEED HIS SUPPORT (sorry that one is causing me to get mad on your behalf, if you impregnate somebody, you should be available to support them through the process); and instead of accepting responsibility for his actions, he blames/criticizes you for your normal reactions to his abnormal amount of bullshit.

Also, let me guess, the couples therapy he wants to go to, it's supposed to help you adjust to/cope with the way he is behaving instead of teaching the both of you how to communicate assertively, reflectively listen to one another, and work towards win-win situations, isn't it? If I'm right, that's just another way of him to avoid accepting responsibility for his actions and avoid sacrificing anything to make you feel more secure and valued in this relationship. <ahem> emotionally immature <ahem>

The icing on the cake is that he had the nerve to say you are playing mind games. Honey, that is called "projection", instead of acknowledging that he is the one who is fucking with your head, he tries to pin that on you. Or he could just be delusional and actually believe that he is in the right...

Either way, is it worth it? As the mother of my first long-term boyfriend once told me, "You never want to raise your husband." That goes for primary partners too. You can't force him to wear his big boy pants and act like an emotionally mature adult. That's for him to come to terms with, if he ever does.
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  #6  
Old 05-15-2013, 07:48 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by taytay85 View Post
My primary and I have had a rough road. It started before I moved from Washington state to California to be with him. We met on-line, dated long distance for about a year and the entire time discussed poly and how we were going to practice it.

Unfortunately he had already been seeing another woman and the relationship continued through me moving here. I became pregnant, it continued and ended when I had a miscarriage. I recognize now that whenever he contacted her it was when I was having a problem coping with pregnancy and really needed him. I only found out about the other relationship right before I had the miscarriage. The other woman had no idea I didn't know. We went to counseling for a brief time but was unrelated to his hidden relationship as I still hadn't found out about his other girlfriend.

He apologized yet stressed,( I am paraphrasing) that it was my fault because I wasn’t as progressed as he is in poly and I should have had better reactions. So he had to lie.



I have been accused of wanting monogamy, accused of trying to close our relationship until it is perfect and the new one is, I am playing head games.
Can you please make sense of this? I really appreciate any feedback I can get… I made a lot of sacrifices to be with him and I want to give this one last shot.

You do that. Give the poor guy "one last shot". Maybe he'll change. You'll never forgive yourself if you don't try. After all, you have such a good thing going, you want to make sure you don't throw it all away just because you have your period or one of those other irrational-female diseases.

Let us know how it goes, and say hi to "Rebecca" for me.
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  #7  
Old 05-16-2013, 07:14 AM
SLODurga SLODurga is offline
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Unhappy Boring Guy

I suggest you try to start out fresh and set some boundaries or "ground rules" about your relationship. That does NOT mean you want to be only with him, just that you want to have trust between you.

If you can't have trust and honestly in a relationship, you have nothing.
I have lived it and promoted dishonesty and it hurts everyone.
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  #8  
Old 05-16-2013, 03:25 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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When someone comes on for the first time and writes a post that is nothing but a long list of woe, suffering, and "sacrifice", then ends with "i want to give this one last shot", i must infer that they are doing SOMETHING right, because myself - let's put it this way. If it's cold and rainy and dark and you're outside naked and hungry and thirsty, and someone walks by and you ask them "how can i make this work?" i'd say, "looks like it's working for you right now".

tl;dr Seat on chair is broken. Solution: repair legs. Repeat as necessary.
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  #9  
Old 05-16-2013, 08:24 PM
taytay85 taytay85 is offline
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You see it as a list of woe, suffering and sacrifice... and your perspective is correct. This has also been my life for the past year and some months. I used to roll my eyes at other people's problems too, until I found myself in this unimaginable situation. I get it now.

Thank you all for your input, it has been most helpful in a situation where, I must admit, I already knew was and is very bad and very abusive.
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  #10  
Old 05-17-2013, 03:51 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I say DTMFA!!!
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