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  #21  
Old 05-27-2013, 04:42 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is online now
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What would happen if your girlfriend decided she didn't want to be your gf, only your husband's?
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  #22  
Old 05-27-2013, 05:51 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I would have a huge problem with my husband taking a week long vacation with the new girlfriend. Especially going to an area in which you have family.

She seems to get a lot of solo time with your husband while you time with him is consumed with family time.

I have a feeling the gf isn't as into you as she is into him and only spends time with you to appease you so she can he can continue on. Because if she was into you she would have considered your feelings and would decline the trip with your husband.

For example my husband has been going through a rough time and his relationship with his play partners is kind of over. He is in a place of hurt... Murf was over last week and he was jealous of Murf sleeping in bed with me and he sleeping in the spare bedroom. Guess what I respect his feelings right now and Murf and I will be spending tomorrow night together at Murf's house instead of here tonight. It sucks giving up some quality time with my boyfriend but Butch means just as much to me.
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  #23  
Old 05-27-2013, 07:19 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
I have a feeling the gf isn't as into you as she is into him and only spends time with you to appease you so she can he can continue on. Because if she was into you she would have considered your feelings and would decline the trip with your husband.
This has been glaringly obvious from the OP's very first post.

Think about it - when a person ("you") is really INTO another person ("they/them"), do you HAVE TO be "talked into" spending time with them? Put yourself in HER position. You meet this guy, hit it off, and it's kind of neat that he has a wife who is bi... she's pretty cool. But you REALLY have the hots for HIM. She's pretty cool, and you can see yourself hanging out all three of you, sexy-times and not-so-sexy-times... but you REALLY have the hots for HIM. The wife is attracted to you! She wants to be girlfriends! That's a PLUS... but you REALLY have the hots for HIM. Triad? What does "triad" mean? Oh, that's where we're all in a relationship together? Welll....ok. Let's try this "triad" thing. I guess I can deal with having HER around sometimes if it means I can still be with HIM. I guess that's "fair" since SHE was here first. But I REALLY have the hots for HIM. I don't want to step on her toes, don't want to push him away by rejecting his wife, so maybe if i hang out with her just the two of us, she'll "let" me be with HIM alone more... because I REALLY am hot for HIM. Someday, maybe she and I will be "equal" in his life, then I'll be able to tell her all this, once she knows I'm not trying to steal her husband. I really don't want to upset her or reject her because I might lose HIM...

ETC.

Yes, I made that up. But don't you think that things like that go through people's minds when they find themselves involved in something like this? It's the way most, or many, people think. It's all very fundamental.

Now I am prepared to be lectured by someone, anyone, for making judgments and assumptions. It's ok, I'm strong. I can handle that.
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  #24  
Old 05-27-2013, 07:35 PM
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My gut says what Boring Guy said is what is going on in the gf's mind and heart.
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40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #25  
Old 05-28-2013, 07:19 PM
AZtriad AZtriad is offline
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It is his family they are going to see. But I am close with his family especially his cousin which is the one they are staying with. I kinda have the same feeling that she is just with me to appease us so that she can be with him.

We just kinda had a bit of a blow up. She has a doctors appointment and he is going with her. I went to the gym to work out. I was told they have to leave no later than 1130 but to be back around 1115. ok I was with a trainer and lost track of time. but they were blowing my phone up at 1100 saying hurry up we gotta go, we need to leave now. I got home at 1123. ok I was l was late. but there was no need for them to be freaking out at 1100. she is like so pissed at me its crazy. texted me and said she will seriously not talk to me for a long time if I don't get there. like really? it doesn't take 45 mins to get to your appointment. her appointment is at 1200. I said do I get a kiss goodbye she said no im pissed at you. I said well isn't that a big fuck you. whatever. I know I was alittle late and I take responsibility for that. but to be freaking out like that is ridiculous. I made sure I was home before 1130, and BTW they got there before 1200. so again it just goes to show that it wasn't that big of a deal.

I texted him and told him I seriously am about done. I don't feel like shes that into me. she just does things to appease me. I just want a woman who textes me and talks to me, and wants me. and acts like she wants me.

I don't know whats going to happen now. if I decided to end it I don't know whats going to happen between him and her. I know that me and him will be fine. I honestly have trust in him. ive thought about what if we open the triad and allow me to have a gf? maybe if I have someone than I will be happy. they have their relationship and I have mine. but I don't know how that will work. it makes me nervous. does anyone do that? how does it work? right now im just so pissed I don't know im thinking straight. what does everyone think?
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  #26  
Old 05-28-2013, 07:36 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I am sorry it hasn't worked out, but this is a very, very, VERY common problem when a couple wants a single woman date both of them. If you do a tag search for "Triads" you will find so-o-ooo many stories just like yours where the wife is wondering why the gf doesn't seem into her, and in the end you find out the gf just went along with it to be with the husband. She might not even be bi.

Sorry, but I feel like I've read your story a hundred times here. Maybe you two should have done some more reading and preparation before trying poly with this chick, but anyway, perhaps you will both consider dating separately. It's just so much easier. Date on your own, and hopefully you will meet someone who's into you for you, not just as a way in to having your husband.
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  #27  
Old 05-28-2013, 10:18 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Agree with Nycindie. Triads seem to be the least successful relationship configuration.

I too would suggest dating separately. Find someone for you.
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40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #28  
Old 05-28-2013, 10:24 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AZtriad View Post
It is his family they are going to see. But I am close with his family especially his cousin which is the one they are staying with.
Well, again, if you don't feel comfortable with your h taking his new gf on a 5 day trip yet, favorite cousin or wherever, just speak up and say so. No sarcasm, no name calling, just that fact.

Quote:
I kinda have the same feeling that she is just with me to appease us so that she can be with him.
Quote:
I texted him and told him I seriously am about done. I don't feel like shes that into me. she just does things to appease me. I just want a woman who textes me and talks to me, and wants me. and acts like she wants me.

I don't know whats going to happen now. if I decided to end it I don't know whats going to happen between him and her. I know that me and him will be fine. I honestly have trust in him. ive thought about what if we open the triad and allow me to have a gf? maybe if I have someone than I will be happy. they have their relationship and I have mine. but I don't know how that will work. it makes me nervous. does anyone do that? how does it work?
Of course people do that. Read around the boards. Most people here date separately! Healthy triads are extremely rare.

How does dating separately work? Respect, communication, time management, and controlling that devil new relationship energy, so the new shiny person doesn't take all the attention.

Go ahead and open the falling apart triad and get yourself a gf, if that is your heart's desire.
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  #29  
Old 05-29-2013, 01:49 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Triads seem to be the least successful relationship configuration.
I'd amend that to forced triads seem to be the least successful relationship configuration; where "forced" means that the shape of the relationship has been determined before the relationship exists or the actual people involved are even known and that nothing but perfect adherence to the pre-determined form is acceptable. Serendipitous triads—where a triad organically grows out of a friendship or the one-on-one dating situation of one member of an existing couple—may be much rarer but seem to be very successful when they do happen.
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