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  #11  
Old 05-15-2013, 04:07 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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It sounds like you got into this without being really ready, prepared for, or happy with poly. You all need to talk a lot more together and spend time in each pair as much as possible.
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  #12  
Old 05-20-2013, 06:06 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AZtriad View Post
So I had a talk with him this morning. Told him maybe me and her need to plan alone time. He agreed, so I'm gonna talk to her about that.
What's that got to do with him? Call her and schedule a date... problem solved.

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Originally Posted by AZtriad View Post
Then I told him that it hurt that he didn't wanna take me. I told him things are moving fast and we need to slow down. And he listened(so I thought)
Is the problem that you need to be invited to everything that he does or that he wants to do something with someone else?

Either way, that doesn't sound very healthy or mature. It's perfectly normal for people to want to do things alone, or with various people. Insisting that you are invited to something (when you clearly were not invited) is a tad on the childish side.

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Originally Posted by AZtriad View Post
How do I make him understand how I'm feeling? I thought I already did and he heard me.
You are confusing "being heard" with "being obeyed". Just because you express your preference doesn't mean he needs to change his behavior.

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Originally Posted by AZtriad View Post
And I'm pretty sure he told her so I'm sure I'm just the complete bad guy in this. ugh!
Why do you think you would be perceived as the bad guy? Are you behaving in such a way that would prompt that kind of judgment?
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  #13  
Old 05-20-2013, 07:13 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Could choose to dwell in upset. Or could choose to clarify to alleviate the upset.

"Cool. You did the math for this trip. For (just you,) for (all 3 of us) and for (you + her.) So... when is the (you+me) in this picture? When do you and I get to that part?"

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  #14  
Old 05-24-2013, 04:29 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I just want to point out that, in this thread, the way you talk about your gf sounds like you are talking about a toy that is being passed back and forth between you and your husband, and you are whining that you don't get enough time playing with it. There hasn't been any mention or acknowledgement of her as a human being with wants, needs, and desires of her own. You don't even reach out to her and make plans with her independently, without seeking your husband's approval first. That is all kinds of fucked-up. She is not his or yours, she is her own person. You only seem to relate to her in terms of whether or not you and your husband are sharing her equally or not, and you're having a hissy fit when things don't go your way. That does not sound like a set of healthy adult relationships to me.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-24-2013 at 04:33 AM.
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  #15  
Old 05-25-2013, 11:32 PM
AZtriad AZtriad is offline
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First of all I want to say that I NEVER see our gf as a toy. She is a human being. In my original post I wrote that I don't want to upset her. nor do I want to hurt her feelings. does that sound like someone with a toy? NO! I care about her very much and worry all the time about how she feels and making sure she is happy.

I don't need to be invited to everything and im not invited to everything and im ok with that. they need their time just as much as I need my time with both of them, individually and all together. This situation was a bit different. I think it was mainly because of where they are going. the place they are going is where we have family. we don't get to go there very often and yes it hurt that he didn't want to take me and my children with him. but I don't care if they do things together without me. as a matter of fact they go out on a date at least once a week and have "alone" time at least once a week. and im ok with that. again they need that alone time.

I do not need to be "obeyed" he can do whatever he wants. and the same goes for me. he pretty much does whatever and so do I. we are very open about what we do. its not that we are asking for permission it letting each other know what we are doing. communication.

me and her do things together and I make a effort to schedule things with her. it doesn't always workout but we try.

why do I feel as im being perceived as the bad guy? because im not happy about it. so because im not happy about it is going to upset them and that is not what I want. We talked before about taking a overnight trip with her. and I told him I wanted to take a trip with her first because I wanted to feel that connection they were feeling. We went on our trip and it was WONDERFUL! we had such a great time. now they need to go on their trip which was suppose to be a overnight trip that turned into a 5 day trip. that bugged me. but again I think what bugged me the most is where they are going.

as far as the trip they are still gonna take it, and im ok with it. im not saying im not going to be sad because I am. that is 5 days I am going to have to be away from both my partners. but I want them to go and I hope they have a lot of fun.

Me and him had a long conversation yesterday. I needed him to understand where I am coming from and why it hurts so much. He also made me realize some things and I am working on them.

I want nothing more than our triad to work. from what im understanding a lot of these feelings that I am having are normal. my husband and I have been with each other for 12 years. he is the only man I have really loved and I am the only woman he has really loved (till now). so I am learning. I am learning how to deal with seeing him with another woman and loving her just as much as me.

I love them both very much and her feelings are very important to me. I NEVER want to hurt her. I want nothing more than for us to work. I just need to work on how to deal with my feeling. I hope this clarifies some things. feel free to let me know if it doesn't
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  #16  
Old 05-26-2013, 12:37 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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I encourage you to be willing to have, feel, and express your feelings regardless of what effect it will (or will not) have on your partners. That's a level of honesty that seems to me to help poly work better for folks.

You shouldn't have to feel like the 'bad guy.' I have worried far too much about that in my life. My bf always amazes me with his ability to listen to my feelings. He encourages me by doing that. He doesn't take it personally if I'm crying, even if I seem to be crying about something he did. He comforts me when I'm upset. He cheers for me when I do something worth cheering about (and sometimes even when I just do something!).

Start with the assumption that they love you and they want you to be happy.
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  #17  
Old 05-26-2013, 09:46 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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I think what makes me uncomfortable is the fact that nearly all your communication about your gf is done through your husband, not directly to the girlfriend, it is this which makes it look like you are not respecting her as an autonomous person, rather than treating her callously or not caring for her enough. It is clear that you do care for her, but if it was a mono relationship, you couldn't possibly conduct your relationship with her through another person so why do you feel it permissible to do that in a poly one?

It seems that when you feel insecure, sad and anxious about your relationship with your girlfriend you try to sort it out through your husband, rather than to your girlfriend. You say it is because you don't want to hurt her, but this is not respecting her as an adult person or even respecting the validity of your relationship with her.
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  #18  
Old 05-26-2013, 04:59 PM
peabean peabean is offline
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I realize that the beginning of a triad is quite a difficult time when it comes to sorting out emotions. I have been in your shoes, as my triad is ~2 years old with my husband and my girlfriend.

First, try to think of her as YOUR girlfriend, not OUR girlfriend. I know this sounds small, but it's a big deal in the way you perceive the relationship. You really do need to consult her on all these things. Directly.

Second, I think if you are starting a triad, then it is very important for people to give it time. I wish your husband and girlfriend would recognize that forcing you into an 'away trip' while you are still incredibly insecure is not setting you up for a good future. If this is your first poly experience, its HUGE to learn to watch your husband love someone else. It takes time. Patience. If you are asking them to slow down, then they should respect that if they want the triad to work in the future.

This goes from both perspectives though. You need to see that she has needs, and maybe they aren't being met? I can see they really want time together, but can there be a compromise so the trip is shorter? Or they go somewhere else, that is far from the family? If everyone is 'equal' then everyone has to give. That means all people have to work outside their comfort zone.
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  #19  
Old 05-26-2013, 10:57 PM
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BigGuy BigGuy is offline
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All poly relationships at their core are just a bunch of dyads happening at the same time. And like flowers, if each one is not properly cultivated and cared for it tends to whither and die.

That's why I think "couple" based relationships can be difficult.
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  #20  
Old 05-27-2013, 03:18 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AZtriad View Post
ok so here is the situation. We have been with our gf (my husband and I) for 3 months. I'm still not 100% sure I am comfortable with them having sex without me, however I said it was ok. So then he wants to go on a overnight trip with her. I said I want to go on a overnight trip with her before he does...
So you and your gf went on your overnight trip.

Quote:
... he was supposed to go on a trip by himself on his bike. he was gonna go visit some family, but it was gonna be a nice long motorcycle ride for him. Well we ended up selling the motorcycle for personal reasons. So last night he was talking to me about still taking that trip but with just her. I said no. Why cant me and the kids go too? He asked you feel left out? DAMN RIGHT I feel left out. It's the middle of the summer, there is no reason why me and the kids can go too.
Is he taking his gf to meet his family? Or your family? Or does he just want to go to that area and not take her to meet the family (don't know if you're out as poly to this part of the family...)?

And now somehow this weekend trip has turned into 5 days?? That is a hella long trip for your SO to take with the (still new) gf. I can see why you'd be envious/jealous, especially since you'll be home alone with your (and his) kids. When is the last time you and your husband had a 5 day trip without the kids?

Can you negotiate it back down to 3 days? That's already generous with Daddy's time, imo. Also, when they are gone, arrange a babysitter so you can get some me time, or time out with some friends. Otherwise you may feel taken advantage of.


Quote:
So am I wrong to say that I don't want them to go on a weekend trip alone? I just feel like, why can't we all go? Why do I have to be left out and left stuck at home with the kids?
Yeah, I kind of agree with you here! Not that you need to go with them, but that 3-5 days is a long time to leave you home alone with the kids, as you're still getting used to being in a triad.
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