Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 05-13-2013, 02:38 PM
AZtriad AZtriad is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 17
Unhappy Am I wrong?

ok so here is the situation. We have been with our gf (my husband and I) for 3 months. I'm still not 100% sure I am comfortable with them having sex without me, however I said it was ok. So then he wants to go on a overnight trip with her. I said I want to go on a overnight trip with her before he does. For the simple fact that me and he have not even had sex alone together. So I think it is only fair that I get that "alone" time first with her. I mean they get "alone" time at least once a week. what do u think? well he agreed and we were suppposed to go today but somethings came up, so we are going next week. YAY we are both super excited!

So here is the next thing. he was supposed to go on a trip by himself on his bike. he was gonna go visit some family, but it was gonna be a nice long motorcycle ride for him. Well we ended up selling the motorcycle for personal reasons. So last night he was talking to me about still taking that trip but with just her. I said no. Why cant me and the kids go too? He asked you feel left out? DAMN RIGHT I feel left out. It's the middle of the summer, there is no reason why me and the kids can go too.

I am not ready for them to go out on a weekend trip alone (for now, maybe when we are alittle farther in the relationship it will be ok) and i know im probably insecure. But they havnt even gone on a overnight trip and he wants to plan a weekend trip? He was pretty pissed off/annoyed with me lst night. And it makes me feel so bad. I think thats partially what happened with the having "alone" time situation. I felt bad and so I gave in. But i am trying to get better with it.

So Am I wrong to say that I dont want them to go on a weekend trip alone? I just feel like why cant we all go? Why do I have to be left out and left stuck at home with the kids? I dont know. I'm worried its then gonna make her mad and i dont want to upset her. I dont know... Today I am feeling alot of tension between me and him, and I'm feeling sad. what do you think?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 05-13-2013, 03:15 PM
Ssandra Ssandra is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 65
Default

What are you feeling bad about exactly? That he doesn't seem to want to go with you, or that he wants to go with her?

Meaning; if he suggested going on the weekend trip with you, but for some reason you were not able to, would you mind if he took her instead?

If that is the case it might be that you feel neglected by him, which would be solved by asking him to spend more time and attention with you, instead of less time and attention with her.


If you simply don't want them to go together no matter what, you may have to dig a little deeper. What is it that worries you, that has you afraid of them spending time together?
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 05-13-2013, 03:25 PM
AZtriad AZtriad is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 17
Default

It makes me feel guilty. and i think its alittle bit of both. it makes me feel crappy that he doesnt wanna take me and the kids with him and would rather take her. espically because there is family there and we dont get to see them often. and a whole weekend without me? i feel so left out. if i was working or couldnt go. i think it would be different. but im not working and have nothing to do. so why not all of us go? why am i being left out?

he does spend time with me. there is no doubt about that. we live together and she does not live with us. so maybe he is trying to get more time with her. and i understsnd that. but i want more time with her too.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 05-13-2013, 03:29 PM
Ssandra Ssandra is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 65
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by AZtriad View Post
It makes me feel guilty. and i think its alittle bit of both. it makes me feel crappy that he doesnt wanna take me and the kids with him and would rather take her. espically because there is family there and we dont get to see them often. and a whole weekend without me? i feel so left out. if i was working or couldnt go. i think it would be different. but im not working and have nothing to do. so why not all of us go? why am i being left out?

he does spend time with me. there is no doubt about that. we live together and she does not live with us. so maybe he is trying to get more time with her. and i understsnd that. but i want more time with her too.
So it seems to me that it is not insecurity, nor jealousy, nor anything unreasonable.

It is just that you have needs that are not being fulfilled at the moment, which is why other things hurt so much.

Have you tried sitting down with them both and talking about what you need (more attention and private quality time from both of them), and find a solution together on how that might work?

As someone who lives with my husband who recently got a girlfriend; I started realizing that just being home at the same time is not nearly enough for me. We can be home together 6 days out of the week, and I feel left out and alone the 7th when he goes and does something with her.

However, if he and I have one or two evenings together where we really are together (watching a movie we both like, going out to eat, having great conversations), I don't mind at all if he were to spend 4 or 5 nights with her.

It is all about quality and real attention for me.

Hope this helps a bit?
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 05-13-2013, 05:09 PM
riftara riftara is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: GA / TX
Posts: 188
Default

If I read your post correctly, you and her have never had alone time?

This is a red flag to me.

I had a boyfriend, and we had a female friend that we had a threesome with, the next thing, she wants to be with "both of us" but we never were alone, her and I, they were alone quite often. He started taking her everywhere instead of me or both of us.

Within a few months, I was both boyfriend and girlfriend less, and they were together without me.

Now I'm in a similar situation, except her and I have alone time planned at the end of the week, they have time planned wed.

My point is if there is no alone time with you and her, or with your husband and you, there are issues that need to be worked on
__________________
- For the pursuit of happiness, not the sit around and wait for happiness -
Jen - bi female
John (Juntas)- husband


M - John's girlfriend
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 05-13-2013, 06:23 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,919
Default

Sounds like "exclusion jealousy" to me. Could page 5 and 6 things help?

You might get "time" with him for the business of running the household, or the business of parenting the kids. But are you gettting (me + him alone) as a dating couple? All married people need that time too. If she gets all the "fun dates times" you feel excluded.

Your own "fun date time" needs are going unmet, so of course you feel yucky. Could ask your polyship partners for help to get through this. It is not wrong for you to request "fun date times" too or request that hinge attend to your need going unmet so long first before engaging again on their fun date time.

Whether or not hinge meets the request is on the hinge -- but you can alway ASK. It's not wrong to articulate where you are at. How else are people to KNOW?

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-13-2013 at 06:30 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 05-13-2013, 08:37 PM
nancyfore's Avatar
nancyfore nancyfore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 162
Default

You have written in other threads that this is becoming an issue. Your time with her vs his time with her. I agree with the "red flag" alert. Have the three of you sat and talked about your relationship and moving slower until you and her connect better?
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 05-15-2013, 06:15 AM
AZtriad AZtriad is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 17
Default

So I had a talk with him this morning. Told him maybe me and her need to plan alone time. He agreed, so I'm gonna talk to her about that. Then I told him that it hurt that he didn't wanna take me. I told him things are moving fast and we need to slow down. And he listened(so I thought)

So I came home from practice in a great mood Cuz I passed my test and gonna be drafted. He tells me he has done the math for this trip. For just him, for all of us, and for them two. Really? Did you not listen to me before? He just doesn't get it. How do I make him understand how I'm feeling? I thought I already did and he heard me. So now I'm laying here in bed not really talking to him.

And I'm pretty sure he told her so I'm sure I'm just the complete bad guy in this. ugh!
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 05-15-2013, 06:34 AM
rosephase rosephase is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 26
Default

You said you might be able to give him time if you were busy. Have you offered a different way/time for them to get some one on one time together?

Like "Honey I would like to go on this trip with you and the kids so we can see family we rarely see. And we can start working out ways that you and girlfriend can have more one on one time together that is easier for me to handle I really appreciate you both being patient and taking it slow so I can feel comfortable."

Ask for things that might help you, if spending one on one time with her would make it easier for you to give them one on one time, tell them. If you need your husband to plan special trips with you in order for it to feel okay for him to be planning special trips with you tell them that.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 05-15-2013, 03:25 PM
AZtriad AZtriad is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 17
Default

They have plenty of chances for "one on one" time. I have practice twice a week and a business meeting once a week. If she doesn't take advantage of those times there is nothing I can do about it, and he knows that. Something always comes up. Which in her defense is not always her fault. I am seriously almost to the point of saying f it. Whatever and go. But the other part of me says no don't give in. Its only gonna hurt me and make me feel like shit. So bow I lay in bed crying not knowing what to do :'( :'(
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:17 PM.