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  #71  
Old 05-15-2013, 06:17 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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While German is easier for native English speakers to learn than some other European languages, the older a person gets, the harder it is to pick up a new language. It has something to do with the way the brain creates memory pathways. The part of the brain responsible for learning language is like a sponge that becomes saturated and can absorb no more, yet still be able to hold on to what it has already. Medication, disease, injury, and emotional/mental/psychological trauma all contribute to lessening the capacity of the so-called "sponge".

Therefore, it is completely understandable that the OP has been unable to acquire a functional command of German. Perhaps the OP should look for a Spanish man next time around...
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  #72  
Old 05-15-2013, 06:34 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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My concern with the OP's lack of ability to grasp German is how does she know if her bf is actually relaying the truth especially between her and the wife if she doesn't speak the language. He could be telling her one thing and the wife another.

I get that learning a new language is HARD. There is many times I feel left out of a conversation because I do not speak German well. It is not a fun feeling especially in social situations. Luckily with the nature of modern business a lot can be done over the computer and Google translator can be a god send. But sometimes have have to call overseas and speak to a human. So I understand. My boss is also a friend of 20 some years. I met him and his band mates 20 years ago while stationed in Germany with the Army before they were famous. Luckily he will translate for me and will proof read important documents for me to make sure they read correctly. Now if the OP is doing secretarial work for her boyfriend who is a lawyer how is she doing that if she doesn't speak the language? Hell legalese in English is hard enough to get correct.

All I hear from the OP is excuse and poor little old me. She went into this knowingly. She has no concerns for the wife and the children. Just her own selfish wants and motives. Almost seems like she found a man with money to hook her wagon up to now there is someone else in the way. My boyfriend isn't owed a damn dime from the marital estate if something happened to me. Even though we have helped each other out financially and as time passes there is a greater co mingling of finances between he and I especially as we move towards more and more time spent together. The estate goes to my children and their care.
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  #73  
Old 05-15-2013, 07:38 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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What's with all the "when he dies" talk anyway? I realize that if something happens to him, the OP has no legal standing the way it is right now, but this is sounding as though someone is "expecting" him to have an "accident" pretty soon...
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  #74  
Old 05-15-2013, 07:43 PM
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pollyanna pollyanna is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
What's with all the "when he dies" talk anyway? I realize that if something happens to him, the OP has no legal standing the way it is right now, but this is sounding as though someone is "expecting" him to have an "accident" pretty soon...
i don't remember who brought it up in this thread but i think a lot of women think about it. Statistically we live longer than y'all.

But in this particular case, he will probably outlive her. A 20 year age gap is huge.
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  #75  
Old 05-15-2013, 08:00 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by pollyanna View Post
i don't remember who brought it up in this thread but i think a lot of women think about it. Statistically we live longer than y'all.

But in this particular case, he will probably outlive her. A 20 year age gap is huge.


If you live in Boston now, you must say "you's" (pronounced like "use") instead of "y'all" because it's the law. Otherwise, you will have to pay a special fine on your taxes which was implemented by Bush but everyone blames on Black Democrats and homeless people.
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  #76  
Old 05-15-2013, 08:01 PM
InAndOut InAndOut is offline
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The OP mentioned that was one of the reasons why she wanted to marry the guy. So she'd have security. IDk who first mentioned it.
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  #77  
Old 05-15-2013, 08:03 PM
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pollyanna pollyanna is offline
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
If you live in Boston now, you must say "you's" (pronounced like "use") instead of "y'all" because it's the law. Otherwise, you will have to pay a special fine on your taxes which was implemented by Bush but everyone blames on Black Democrats and homeless people.
I was so amazed a couple of years ago when we were at a Roy Rogers in Joisey and the guy in front of us turned around and kindly said "youse guys can go ahead". I really only thought that was movie talk...not real dialect!

And, sorry, but I don't pahk my cah eitha. But I do love a Fenway frank, that dirty water, sing 'Sweet Caroline' and have 'idears'.
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  #78  
Old 05-15-2013, 08:08 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by El186 View Post
She was upset and so...we had a "come to Jesus meeting". She talke about things she was not happy with and I shared my concerns as well. I told her all the "secrets" that I felt had been between us from the beginning. So now she knows it all. We talked and cried and went to bed without resolving anything.

This morning we tried again. And had better results.
Palm to forehead! It's amazing what can happen when we just stop and attempt to fucking communicate.

You said before that you guys never had group meetings. This seem absolutely mind boggling to me. How can you live with people for 3 years and never sit down and have "family/roommate" meetings. This should be a regularly scheduled occurrence in any living situation (weekly, monthly, every other month, every 3 months). Everyone should be checking in with each other to see what's working and what's not and b/f should not be the go between (slight translation help if necessary is fine).


Quote:
Originally Posted by El186 View Post
Yes, I am upset as to why I am having trouble with the language as well. I am fluent in Spanish and thought that it would not be that difficult to learn it, but for some reason, things are just NOT sticking. Words that I will learn one day are GONE the next. It is like I have to start over everyday. But then again, I also am having trouble with english words. Everday words that I KNOW and use frequently are just gone...and I have to think and think before I can remember them. Sometimes I can...sometimes I can't . Most of the time I can tell you the first letter of the word and what it means...and then together we can figure it out. As I have said before, I have SEVERAL illnesses and I take a lot of medication for them.
Have you discussed these issues specifically with your GP or Neurologist? While this could just be age, having that kind of trouble with English makes it sound more like a possible medical issue, either part of you illness, a reaction to medication, or something new, that should be address by your doctor ASAP.
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  #79  
Old 05-15-2013, 08:15 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am responding to post #57.

I have taken the liberty to trim it down what I perceive as essentials, ok? Correct me if I am wrong.
I was promised one level of commitment that did not come to pass.

His lack of followthru on that and other promises shakes my having continued trust in his Word.

Although we have resolved some of my concerns about my role in this poly family and his commitment to me, I still need to feel safe and be able to count on his making good on his Word.

I want to KNOW I will be provided for in the future. So I asked him if he was willing to make provisions for all his poly family -- including me. Make good on his NEW word. To assuage me, he has made a paper that states that I am to be allowed to live in the home as long as I want or until I die. It has not been notarized or anything like that, but he SAYS that it would be binding in the event that he should die.

Because I am shaken in my trust in his WORD, I cannot feel safe with him just "saying" it is binding. I want to KNOW it is binding both to be able to trust in his Word and in his commitment to me and I want to know WHEN this will come to pass. So he can be accountable to his word by his actions.

He is not willing to do better for me and be accountable to his word by his actions. Like get it notarized, put funds in my name NOW, make a will or any other option that might grant me financial provision or stability should he die and is no longer my employer or my lover.

If he dies, I will simply have to leave my life here, go back to the states, live with my kids and file disability. I already think about leaving though since I'm not feeling safe here.

My biggest struggles?
I struggle to reconcile this as loving behavior toward me when his WORDS are one thing and his ACTIONS are another.
Because if I accept that, then I have to consider updating my belief from "This is a man of his word" to "This is not a man of his word" and I am not comfortable with that.
Because if I accept that then I have to question him at his word when he says "I love you."

So far the best plan I have come up with is for me go back, but come visit on occasion. That way, I could be with my kids and grandkids and be a part of their lives. That he and I could STILL talk daily online and keep in touch, see each other once or twice a year and that WHEN that magical, mystical time comes....if it ever does..and we could be together, that then we could try it again. And if it doesn't come to be, I am working toward my new future and improving my DAILY QUALITY OF LIFE.

Is that the ball park you are in mentally/emotionally now?

What about answering this one?
  • I am /am not choosing this plan that could serve me and my needs better because I keep hoping HE will give me what I need and He finally be a person of his Word that I can believe in so I can believe him when he says loves me.
  • I am/am not choosing this plan that could serve me better because I don't have any money to travel and to have some I'd have to get it from him.
  • I am/am not choosing this plan because I do not expect me to make choices for myself to preserve my own well being and best healths.
  • I am / am not choosing this plan because I am afraid of the unknown future. It scares me.
  • I am /am not choosing this plan because I want to believe he loves me because that is proof that despite all I've endured in my life before, that I am actually still loveable.
  • I am/am not choosing this plan because (what? something else I cannot think of.)
  • I am / am not choosing this plan because of mix and match reasons above. They are ______.

You seek like you are still pretty emotional. Break it down into bite size if you have to. Maybe forum folks could help you sort in your thinking it out process?

Whatever emotional hooha you are experiencing, remember you have worth, dignity and value. You CAN handle things. You ARE loveable, with or without him.

GL!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-15-2013 at 08:58 PM.
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  #80  
Old 05-15-2013, 08:17 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pollyanna View Post
I was so amazed a couple of years ago when we were at a Roy Rogers in Joisey and the guy in front of us turned around and kindly said "youse guys can go ahead". I really only thought that was movie talk...not real dialect!

And, sorry, but I don't pahk my cah eitha. But I do love a Fenway frank, that dirty water, sing 'Sweet Caroline' and have 'idears'.


"youse guys" is not correct. That's how they say in New Jersey. The correct expression is "you's" because it's SHORT for "you guys". The "guy" is replaced by the apostrophe, giving the contraction "you[guy](')s". There is no such word as "youse", there is no "e" in "you" or "guys", and saying "guys" is redundant and defeats the purpose of having a contraction.

"youse guys" is like saying "youlle all" in Texas.

Some folks might say that i have no right to dictate what these terms represent or whether one way is "correct" and others are not correct, but i do have that right because this is how it really is. Just because someone else may disagree, doesn't make it any less true.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 05-15-2013 at 08:19 PM.
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