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Old 05-13-2013, 02:59 PM
El186 El186 is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 17

Yes...I know that I am selfish. And am probably manipulative, although it is not done intentionally...but I am willing to concede that. I KNOW that she has the short end of the stick here...and have said more than once that she is wonderful and a much better person than I am. I KNOW I am a creep. I feel it all the time. I feel bad about it. I don't want to hurt her. Or him...or anyone. But I cannot help the way I am feeling. That IS why I am here to try to figure out if I CAN change it. Or maybe if I even really want to? IDK...I am SO confused. I know I have not done a good job explaining things. He really is a wonderful man. He is very careful to tend to every ones needs. He really does. It is me, I guess. I am never happy....I just seem to want more. There are days that I am happy with all of it. I feel happy and do not want anymore and feel really lucky that I am here. Then there are other days that I feel horrible. Most of the time that happens when something comes up to remind me that I am NOT his wife...either a colleague will call and invite him and his wife to dinner...or his family will ask him and her to attend a function or an old friend will ask me if I have gotten married yet...or my niece will post a picture of her new engagement ring on FB. It can be as simple as filling out a questionairre and trying to decide what to put on marital status. I have been married since I was 16. I don't know HOW to be anything else. And to top it off it was the TRADITIONAL OLD SCHOOL marriage stuff, where the wife is submitted to her husband and basically has no say in anything that happens. My first husband was a travelling evangelist and after 3 1/2 years I found out he was having an affair with another man and so I divorced him. My second marriage was to an emotionally and physically abusive man whith which I had 4 children. I stayed with him for 30 years thinking that when the kids were grown maybe THEN he would pay some attention to me and love me. He seldom made love to me and I even had weight loss surgery and almost died trying to "make him love me"....(yeah I know....I am a stupid idiot too....)...In any case, after all that I found out that he was having multiple sexual flings with men at the gym and in the neighborhood and I no longer wanted to live. I had no friends, I had no way to leave, I could see no way out...and then I met "the hinge" in this relationship. I met him online and he was the most amazing man I had ever met. We were online together everyday for a year. His wife knew about it and told him "So you have found the perfect woman." It made me sad for her. But he said that she understood and so we continued talking to each other...as I was a million miles away and never thought there would be anything else. He had always told me he was married and always would be. So he never lied to me about it. When things got SO bad at my house and my husband had beat me a couple of times, took a hammer to the computer, ripped off my clothes and gave me a black eye...then told me that he was having dreams of killing me, I told my online "sister" about it and she agreed to let me live with her and "the hinge" agreed to pay for me to leave and provide a monthly income for me until I could get settled. And so I ran. I knew that if I was ever to get out of that, that this was the time. So I went across the country and relocated under an anonymous name and address. My husband was violent and had often told me that if he could not have me no one would. I feared for my life on several occasions and again, had no one other than my friend. She would often leave for weeks at a time and I would be there alone and worried that I knew no one and what would I do if he found out where I was? At least I could speak the language! Finally after about 8 months "the hinge" told me that he had talked to his wife and she had agreed that it would be ok with her if I wanted to come live with them. I considered it and finally agreed. I was not sure I could do it....it went against everything I had ever thought or believed in. Went against everything that I had taught my children. In my Bible belt eyes it was wrong, it was a sin. But I loved him so much and wanted to be with him SO badly that I said yes. At first it was awkward, but we worked thru it all and it has been a process. One that seemed to be working and then her parents found out...and it has just seemed to be conflict since then...for both her AND myself.

I KNOW I am a terrible person....but I am trying. I am trying to figure this out and trying to figure out what is best to do...not just for me, but for everyone. I am trying to figure out if I just need to throw in the towel and go on, or if I need to spend more of my life trying to make this work. I love him...and I care for her and the kids. I cannot see what would really be solved if I left. He would be left with the same relationship that caused him to try to find me in the first place. It was not enough for him. And I am not sure that this relationship is enough for me. IDK. I know that most of the people here hate me at worst, find me disgusting most of the time and tolerate me at best. But I am here because I am trying. I desperately need to figure this out. I knew that I would not be well recieved, but I was hoping that maybe I could find someone else that had gone thru similar circumstances and had "overcome". To those that have been kind enough to read and listen and offer advice, thank you so much. I AM listening. I am reading the things you are giving me and looking at other sites. I am trying. So please...bear with me.
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Old 05-13-2013, 03:27 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603

With everything that you've been through in your life you need to find yourself and your own strength. You're not going to find that in the situation you're in at the moment. You've always been living at the whim of someone else. You've said yourself that you don't know how to be anything other than married (and I'm assuming you mean in the traditional sense). I think maybe it's time to be your own woman and to stop defining yourself by your relationship to another person. That isn't to say that you can't be in a relationship with another person (or people), but it shouldn't be your primary definition of who YOU are. I still maintain that finding your own place close by is by far the best solution to your current dilemma.
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
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Old 05-13-2013, 03:34 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 1,305

I'm not saying this in a judgmental manner, but there are a LOT of issues going on here... Escape from an abusive marriage (to the point where you feel you need anonymity because your safety is in jeopardy), moving to a new country, getting involved in a poly relationship for the first time, being isolated from everyone you've ever known, and not being able to establish a support circle where you are. Finding counseling would really be a wise move here. There's a lot here to manage and you may need help finding the pieces you can take on without trying to do it all at once.

When coming out of ANY relationship, it's good to establish who YOU are first, before jumping into another relationship. I know, easier said than done - I didn't do that either, and jumped into my relationship with my current partner after the end of my own 17-year marriage. It is MUCH easier to be dependent on someone for your well-being when you don't know any other way to BE, and it is a HUGE burden on the other person.

Now that you're away from your abusive husband, I know there's a language barrier, but it still will do you some good to get some space of your own away from your BF and his wife. You are relying on him for your happiness and you don't want to be alone, and this really places a difficult burden on both him and his wife, regardless of how much they care about you. You can't develop your own strength in this type of situation.

I'd recommend trying to learn the language and become self-sufficient in some way - taking classes, whatever. Something that's YOURS and can help you rebuild your self-esteem. Something that isn't reliant on your BF for that. Then perhaps you can support yourself and get a place of your own, and not feel that your privacy is being invaded (because, I'm sorry... it may be your room, but it is her home).

Good luck in all this.
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Old 05-13-2013, 05:04 PM
Lynn Lynn is offline
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 11

It was mentioned in an earlier post, this is full of red flags!

It's obvious that you're hurting. I'm so sorry.

The fact remains though that you did move there agreeing to certain things. You've managed to get everybody to agree to change several of the things you agreed to in the first place. But what now? You talk about how you can change things even more. I don't see him wanting to change things. I don't think he wants to leave his wife. He's content. She's content. But you still want to change things? Exactly how do you propose to make things change when you're the only one who wants change? And why would you want to marry someone you have to manipulate into it?

I understand that I don't know this man so I can't possibly even form an opinion on his character. But from what you've told us here, he doesn't sound like he wants anything different from what he has right now. And he's never spent time with his kids? That doesn't make me all warm and fuzzy but that's just me.

I think it's time you switched gears. Accept that you can't control the actions of others. You can't make them do what you want, and if you do manage to manipulate them to do what you want, I promise it'll end badly. Stop wasting your time and driving yourself nuts, trying to decide how to change this situation. Spend your time figuring out what you are able to handle. You can only make decisions for yourself. You do have a right to be happy but in the current situation, your happiness depends largely on their decisions. It's time to make your decisions based on what you need and want. And if you can't be happy with what they're offering you, then it's time to reach down deep, find the strength that you probably don't even realize you have, and do what you have to do for YOU.
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Old 05-13-2013, 05:45 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,089

I desperately need to figure this out. I knew that I would not be well recieved, but I was hoping that maybe I could find someone else that had gone thru similar circumstances and had "overcome". To those that have been kind enough to read and listen and offer advice, thank you so much. I AM listening. I am reading the things you are giving me and looking at other sites. I am trying. So please...bear with me.
You have a LOT going on.

I am sorry you are hurting. I don't know what you might need from internet strangers. Help to find more links? I've stuck some on.

Reassure from other people that YES it sounds wacko there? Because it does.

I cannot tell what you have just from the writings. It could be...
  • You are a formerly abused person in a polyship that just does not meet your current needs. If so? You could leave. (What he does with himself is on him).
  • You are a formerly abused person in a polyship that is ALSO abusive. Does not meet your current needs. You could have to struggle to get to a place where you could leave safely. However cushy -- a gilded cage is still a cage. But still.... look to leaving. (What he does is still up to him. But that could be a concern for you if he tries to chase you like the ex who wanted to kill you. You would have to leave with a solid safety plan then, in those circumstances.)

I still cannot tell which type polyship you have there. Only YOU can. But getting you OUT of here seems the main thing either way. So could focus on THAT. You being ABLE to leave in a healthy way.

Honestly? It sounds like a whiff of B there.

These are some loose thoughts -- don't know if it helps you any. I hope you are safe. It sounds really weird over there. Sigh.


1)Could get a counselor, ASAP. You need more support.

You have been through several rough marriages and abused, so I don't think you have all the skills to even recognize a healthy relationship if you keep getting into relationships that are not healthy. (On the other hand, you are survivor and have survived before -- so you can do it again. No matter how dim your inner light feels right now? You haven't been snuffed out totally if you are seeking help online. That's something!) If you have to wait to organize money, could at least look up names and numbers of counselors for the time being.
2)Could learn the language. Try to get a job. Volunteer. Get out from the house and air out. Work toward becoming financially independent.
Whatever may come of your "V" do not KEEP yourself in a position where you are alone in a country you do not speak the language in, a shut in, and have NO recourse but to rely on the hinge guy for support. If you have to suck it up for a while until you can safely leave, so be it. But stay safe and do work toward getting out.

It's weird to me that it's been kept this way for 3 years already -- you not getting language lessons or work out of the home? It leaves you isolated and dependent on him. Not cool.
3) Could keep a journal. online, secretly, not paper where it can be used against you in the wacko home. Learn to circle things that do NOT line up.
Some of what you write sounds "loudspeaker" to me. Like what comes out is not your own words but old programming tapes -- maybe the current BF's words or the words of ex husbands or something. Going on about how horrible you are to have needs of your own.

Everyone has needs. That doesn't make you horrible.

If it doesn't work in this polyship, it is not the end of the world. Not every dating partner is destined to be a long haul runner. That's what dating is FOR. This out of proportion "YAAAAH" is just way out of proportion for normal dating.

I am concerned that you rushed into a cohabiting/financially dependent position because you were fleeing abuse. So it seemed "better" than before (what doesn't sound better than murder?!) now you are realizing that while nobody is punching you and trying to kill you, neither is it HEALTHY for you here. That's hard to reconcile.
4)Could READ.

I see your confusion and your struggle when you write. Scroll down to center of page and click on stage 3. Because that's what I smell. A bit of that. "If only this crazy would stop... then I could be happy!" talk and the confusion and the weird. I'm not saying you are being abused now. But.. could read it to get a reality check there. Only you know your situation over there. But whatever the situation, you have inherent worth, dignity and value. Just like anyone else does. You are a person, not a thing.
5) Could learn to talk to yourself in your head with self respect.
You don't have to be your own bully. Are you having other symptoms of "letting go" things?
6) Could BE safe while thinking out the next step.

Remember to clear your internet history and take internet precautions. I'd hate for your only avenue to access help in a language you know to be cut off if Internet is all you have.

Let someone else know what's going on -- old relatives, someone in the community, write a letter and mail it somewhere. Something.
It sounds to me like you are thinking you want OUT. But are in the grieving process and not at full acceptance of making that choice.

You are somewhere in the thought process spectrum:

"I want crazy to stop" <---> "I think I want out" <-----> "I KNOW I want out." <-----> "I know want out AND I have a plan." <----> I know I want out, have plan and I am ready to execute the plan."

Could you articulate what bus stop on the spectrum you are currently at in your thinking process?

To me you seem like you are "bargaining" with yourself. Bargaining stage 3. Could read the next Stage 4 things when ready. You have some of that religion thing going on that you will eventually have to reconcile. Maybe you are actually Stage 2, but dipping a toe in 3. Whatever -- read them all.

Whether it helps in your current situation or helps you recover from 30 years with an abuser... could spend time at www.speakoutloud.net. in general.

I cannot tell if you are emotionally confused because of the emotional flooding making it hard to see clear. Or mentally confused because you've been gaslighted for a long time and are starting to waken. Or both. Or neither. I'll leave that for a professional real life counselor to sort out with you. I urge you again to find local, on the ground support. Your needs and your situation go beyond the scope of internet strangers.

You can still talk here... airing out is better than keeping it in. But eventually you will need practical, on the ground kinds of help. Not just anon internet venting. What resources are there in your community?

In the meanwhile, perhaps in preparation for that appointment? Could write out all the things that bother you and group them into the "dimensions of wellness" categories. That is doing something, even a tiny thing, for yourself.

You may have gone into it hoping for a harmonious "V" polyship that you were promised. But it's a hard reality call to realize you could be in something totally NOT what you were expecting.

Again, I hope you are safe. It sounds really weird over there.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-14-2013 at 01:34 AM.
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Old 05-13-2013, 05:54 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,643

I don't know but... You got a pretty sweet deal there, OP, and i'm only going by what YOU write. You are getting free cars and free housing and free food and free trips to and around Europe and all you have to do is live with this guy's wife and kids, and they even agreed not to have sex with each other because YOU don't like listening to it? But YOU get to have sex with him any time (meaning without waiting for wife and kids to leave the house)?

Some of this sounds too good to be true. you sound like an adolescent teenage girl wringing her hands over this. If i was that man's wife, i'd be handing you a to-do list and sending you out for language lessons so i could get you the fuck out of my home. But that's just me. I like my personal space a lot.
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Old 05-13-2013, 09:15 PM
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nancyfore nancyfore is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 163

She's always around you (ie: bathroom, meals, living room, etc) because it's HER house.. If you feel the need not to have her around then you should move.

Both of you (you and him) not being honest with her from the very beginning is wrong on so many levels...

I know your hurting, because you've made some poor choices and haven't healed from emotional abuse and other forms of abuse but it isn't her job to give up her entire life so you can be happy..

He also sounds like he is enjoying having his cake and eating it too. When you tell him what you need, of course he doesn't want anything to change. Life is good for him. He is also being abusive when he calls you a bitch and tells you that when your his wife you won't be "allowed" to talk to him in a certain manner...

And btw what part of him only seeing his kids every once in a while is a good idea??? If he lives with you then those kids get to be singled parented because he isn't a kid person and your kids are grown and your of an age where you could do without little ones around? Sounds like a bad situation for his kids...
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Old 05-13-2013, 09:52 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 306

You titled this thread, "Don't want to play anymore." So my advice, is to stop playing. You left an abusive relationship and went into hiding then into a relationship. You took no time at all to find your own feet. No relationship, mono or poly, works if you can't stand on your own two feet.

Start figuring out what you need, what your 'issues' are and how to deal with them. So far, you are just putting a band aid on things!

You feel lonely, so you cry and they adjust to make it easier on you. You are uncomfortable so they change things to make it easier on you.

The standard here has been, you have icky feelings, they fix things so you don't feel icky. Now you feel bad that you are STILL having icky feelings and they aren't making it better again!

Sorry no, time to put on the big girl panties and deal with those icky feelings!

That means lots and lots of work on YOU.

Start simply. You freaked out hearing them have sex. Why? You know they have sex, you knew they had sex. They have kids! So what made you feel icky? You were unprepared? You weren't expecting it? Are you jealous that he does things with her AND you? Do you feel left out and would rather him be with you and NOT her?

Figure that shit out. Deal with it. So far you haven't dealt with ANYTHING. That's where it lies. You want to know if people have been through this? All the time.

DH and I had been married double digits before we moved into poly and we did NOT move into it open and honest. That had to be built, that trust had to be earned again.

So he went slow, we went slow. He had to do a ton of work. Internally. Figuring out what made him feel icky and why. Figure out if he should feel icky and what to do about it. He still has 'bad poly days' so he tells me and we discuss it. I ask if he needs reassurances or more time. NOT if he needs me to dump my BF so he doesn't feel icky anymore.

TL;;DR - Sure you can make this work, but you have to DO the work, not make others do it so you never have to confront bad feelings.
Me: 40 pansexual poly.
DH: My husband of 21 yrs and father of 3 teen girls.
DC: LDR of +9 years/former
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Old 05-13-2013, 10:06 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,643

Personally, i don't believe they guy and his wife stopped having sex. I think they just stopped letting the OP hear them having sex. Who has sex, then immediately right afterward before the jizz can even coagulate, says "oh ok, if you don't like it we won't do it anymore.". That does not compute. The brain struggles to make sense of that, but ultimately rejects it because there is too much discrepancy between the empirical observations and the verbal description of the reality.
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Old 05-13-2013, 10:21 PM
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pollyanna pollyanna is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 41

Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Personally, i don't believe they guy and his wife stopped having sex. I think they just stopped letting the OP hear them having sex. Who has sex, then immediately right afterward before the jizz can even coagulate, says "oh ok, if you don't like it we won't do it anymore.". That does not compute. The brain struggles to make sense of that, but ultimately rejects it because there is too much discrepancy between the empirical observations and the verbal description of the reality.
something in this whole story isn't coagulating for me, iykwim.
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