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Old 05-07-2013, 05:02 AM
AZtriad AZtriad is offline
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 17
Default its been a while

well its been a while since ive posted. last time i posted i got some negative comments and then the thread went in another direction. but anyway. alittle about me. I have been married 10 yrs. We currently have a gf and are in a closed triad. here is my dilemma. Recently we had some problems im not gonna go completely into it. but things kinda got ugly (emotionally not physical) and our gf broke up with us. a trust was broken and she left. and i understand why that trust was broken and i dont blame her for leaving. but we worked things out, and we are all back together. but part of my problem is now we kinda have to start over and build that trust back. which means NRE starts over. which really sucks because i was having a hard time with it. sometimes i feel left out. like all they care about is how they are gonna get their time, and their alone time. and i know both of them love me. i guess i have some jealously. and i think alot of my problem is him just as much as her. the way he looks at her. the way he will quickly grab and hold her hand. i think alot of it is i dont feel the romance and the passion like he has with her and it hurts. and i try to tell him to hold me, kiss me, and alot of the times i will get smart ass remarks just because thats the way he is. a jokester. maybe its just because we have been togetherr for 10 yrs and their relationship is new. all her ever talks about is her or cars. and sometimes i just want us time. and again ive told him that. it drives me nuts when im tryin to have me and him time and they are texting. and ive told him that and i tihnk its something he is trying to work on. i feel bad cuz i know he is trying to juggle 2 woman. and im sure its not easy. as far as me and her. we still have not had alone intimate time. it never works out. and i think part of my problem too is they get time together. they have a date night one night, and then i have practice one night so they get their "alone" time. so im having a hard time. but i think things are gonna get better. im staying positive. hopefully it works out but next week we are suppose to go on a trip just me and her and stay overnight. i am sooo excited. just nervous to get my hopes up and then get disappointed. but again gonna stay positive. so after all this talking my question is.... is all my worries stupid? am i over reacting? how do i get past the NRE? thank you for reading sorry its so long
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Old 05-07-2013, 01:00 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Originally Posted by AZtriad View Post
how do i get past the NRE? thank you for reading sorry its so long
Sounds like what you really want to ask, is how do you get the alone time (in mind and body) that you're looking for?

With the scheduling, if you know you have a practice one night, can they schedule their date night then, and open you up for a date night on the other night? Try to work within your pre-existing schedules and find something that works for everyone - maybe even sit down and do it together.

As for the texting while he's with you, I tend to be very smart-assy when that happens (my ex used to do it constantly, and we weren't "poly"), and I'd text HIM to see if he liked dinner, or what-not (he'd be chagrined and stop... for a while). It's rude to be engaged elsewhere while he's supposed to be on a date with you. I can understand maybe a check-in or two with his other GF, but the entire time? No. I'd ask him to stop and keep our date nights ours.

That, however, means that the same should apply for his date nights with her - that you should be able to give them space as well. Is that happening?

As for the reassurance, I'd recommend explaining (using "I-statements") how you feel when he delivers his wisecracks in response (e.g., "I feel unimportant when my requests for reassurance are met with sarcasm.") And keep doing it. Keep asking if you need it.

Try to ask in a way that makes it clear what you are looking FOR (more physical contact, more romance) and how it feels when you don't receive it.

Are you all living together? Is that adding to the complication? (Seeing her receive the romance you're looking for). The comparison (and I am guilty of this) and in-your-face-ness of it all can make it feel more about their relationship than yours, and make it more difficult to focus on your own relationship when you're seeing and envying theirs. Do you need space?
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Old 05-07-2013, 01:25 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Hi, I don't remember you from before, so remind me, how long have you and your husband had this gf?

You say it's a triad, not a V, so I assume there is 3way sex. But hubby and gf are more into each other right now than into you. She has NRE for him, but not so much for you? You and she have never had a one on one date, or one on one sex?

Hubby spends nights he's supposed to be focusing on you, instead texting his gf? And when you request his focus, he makes fun of you?

Not good. None of this sounds good at all. You're getting scraps of attention, and then disrespect when you ask for more. Setting boundaries is in order.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
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Old 05-07-2013, 01:50 PM
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BigGuy BigGuy is offline
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Emotions are never wrong or stupid. They just are.

If you are insecure then you need to say as much and ask them for reassurance. You also need to explain what that reassurance looks like for you. Its all part of the give and take of a relationship.
Me: 48 - Married, straight, male
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Old 05-07-2013, 02:50 PM
AZtriad AZtriad is offline
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 17

me and her do get i guess date day. but most of the time its a quick lunch. there has been a couple times we have gone out and gotten our nails done which was alot of fun. but that gets expensive. but no i have never had alone "intimate" time with her. We are not living together. She was about to move in till something happened and that hasnt even come up yet. My husband and I have been with her for about 3 months. there was 3way sex but honestly in the 3 months we have been together it has happened twice. i told him last night i dont think she really wants 3 way sex i think she only wants sex with him. which im not ok with. i am Bi not straight. i want both. The NRE is mostly them. i mean i will get a i love you from her, and we will hold hands but its kinda weird. almost like shes not sure. i have told him about the texting and he is getting alittle better at it. he knows that if we are having sex no texting and he has gotten better. hes having a hard time with her too. last night on their date she tells him she wants "alone" time so bad. but its so hard with her. something always comes up. or he tries to go to her house to make it easier but she will say no because her room is a mess and she doesnt want him to see it. he is really afraid because she really doesnt get it from him that she is gonna go somewhere else and get it. which i dont think she would. and i asked him about opening our triad and he said no way. which sucks for me because i have thought about getting a girlfriend. i think he would be ok with it but im sure she wont be ok with it. its weird because these are the exact feelings i was having before all hell broke loose. then in the middle of it i realized what i really want is her. i really want us to work. me and her are suppose to go out thursday and im suppose to stay the night at her house we will see if that happens. i dont think it will. but what im more excited for is me and her are suppose to go on a overnight trip. they were talking about a overnight trip and i told them i dont want them doing that till i get a over night trip with her first. is that bad of me? its just they have had alone intimate time and i havnt. so i think it is only fair that me and her go first and then they can go. maybe it will make me feel better?
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Old 05-07-2013, 02:52 PM
AZtriad AZtriad is offline
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 17

am i being selfish asking for me and her to go on a overnight trip before they do?im the back of my head i almost wonder is she really doing it to be with me? or is she doing it just to doing it so she can have a overnight with him? i really hope in my heart that she really wants to be with me.
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Old 05-07-2013, 03:02 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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As they say the definition of madness is to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result. She is just not that into you. You haven't the NRE, she wants the husband more and you can't really be sure if she want to be with you or only appeasing you to have more time with your husband. Eventually you will be more estranged from this triad and by vetoing your plans to open the relationship so as to get your own girlfriend, your husband is controlling you, guaranteeing that 'he' is the only one enjoying this Poly lifestyle.

You need to start putting your foot down because this is not a triad, it is a vee with some appeasement to your need for female attention. Woman up lady and get your own girlfriend and don't let husband anywhere near her!

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Old 05-07-2013, 05:02 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 398

Is there a reason the relationship had to be a triad? If she wants a friendship just with your husband why not allow that and start fostering the possibilities for you to find your own girlfriend. Turn the relationship style desire away from tee triad which does not seem to be the best for all involved into more of an n setup.
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
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Old 05-07-2013, 07:07 PM
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nancyfore nancyfore is offline
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He has gotten better at not texting during sex??? I'd throw his phone out of a window if he text while having sex, unless it was an emergency with a family member... Does he text you while he has sex with her?

This seems like they are getting what they want and your getting a pat on the head just to keep you appeased enough not to be too upset... If she was really into you like she seems to be into him, don't you think she'd be making more of an effort to be with you?
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Old 05-07-2013, 08:35 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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My spouse picked up the phone once when i called just as they were about to have sex with their other partner, and BOTH of us were mad that they answered! Both = me and other partner. It wasn't an emergency either. When it's important i keep calling or texting repeatedly, but this was the day after the Boston Marathon, that's why they picked up the phone, it turned out. But spouse got a chunk taken out of them by me AND the other partner and we had to have the "when to pick up the phone" discussion. The other partner and i agree that S is way too involved with the smart-phone... Not just when it comes to sexy-times but any time.
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