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  #81  
Old 09-10-2009, 05:46 AM
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vandalin vandalin is offline
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Default Every two weeks or so...

Well it seems that about every two weeks or so I start getting all weird and emotional about this whole "affair". Maybe it is my hormones after all.

So we all got together this last Saturday at Bristol and for all intents and purposes had a good time. We (Elric and I) had a little bit of time to just us and we had a little bit of talk, but the bigger conversation happened later.

But first, I did find it strange that he went off by himself a couple times, once for almost 45 minutes. He didn't really have much of a reason as Cajun was chasing after our daughter most of the day and not with us really and my mom was also not with us. We did have two other friends with us, one who did his own thing or hung out with Cajun and the other who happened to arrive at the same time as Elric and hung out with he and I. I did ask Elric about his walking off and all he said was that he hadn't really thought about it until a little later when he thought he could be doing this with me instead. Well duh!

But the time that we had to ourselves was great! We chatted and flirted a bit, I challenged him twice to archery where we both won once, we talked a little about serious stuff and just had a nice time being together. There was even a semi-intimate moment which still makes my heart and stomach flutter.

So, bigger conversation... Elric joined Cajun, baby, mom and I for dinner afterwards and I drove with Elric. At first the drive was ok, a little playful banter, which is good and then silence. Surprisingly, he asked me what was up as I was so quiet. I asked him if he was afraid of me (psycho ex-girlfriend thing) or afraid of being around me. He admitted that he was a little afraid, but not of my going weird, but of how he feels. He admitted that he still is very attracted to me and that part of him, his baser part as he says, keeps telling him to go ahead. But this other part keeps saying "SHE'S MARRIED!".

We actually started getting somewhere with this conversation. It was a real give and take conversation where we were both talking calmly and rationally and no one was getting all emotional or taking over...until we got to the restaurant and my mom called to see how long we would be. We probably would have sat there for awhile just to get stuff out, but I/we couldn't keep them waiting especially since mom doesn't know (although I know she suspects something and I really should have a chat with her, but at this point I don't know what to really tell her or what I need to tell her).

I wanted to talk to him again, I had a lot that I wanted to say and ask and talk about but Sunday we were both exhausted and I had no privacy, so we said Monday. Well we didn't get home until 10:30 and I didn't get online till 11:30 and he was getting ready to crash so he promised Tuesday. I started getting sick yesterday and so sent him a message around 10:45 and apparently he didn't get online till almost midnight. So now we are at today. I have yet to hear from him in any way and I find that depressing in itself. He got my message so a note saying "ok" or "sorry to hear you are feeling crappy" would have been nice...but nothing! And he hasn't been on yet tonight either and I know I'm being self-centered or paranoid when I say this but I wonder if he's "going ninja" and trying to avoid me and the conversation.

On a positive note though, he told me that he had a date Friday night which led to sex and surprisingly I didn't really have a problem with that, well the sex at least. I do feel envious of the time he spent with her, and it was strange that when he told me, the first part (date) gave me a gut pang, but the second didn't. I suppose that could be construed as a good thing, yes?

Now I just want to talk to him again. We were finally getting past the awkwardness and talking again, not just about us but about life and things in general. I know you will probably say, he's probably just busy/tired again like last time, and part of me knows that this is probably true, but that doesn't help unfortunately, I still miss my friend very much, and I miss my almost lover even more, how could I not when he admits to wanting to be with me!

Vent vent vent vent vent... gush gush gush gush gush

Thanks for reading y'all. I should probably get ready for bed as it is 12:40 and I am tired and still recouping, slight dehydration most likely, although I want to stay up for a while longer to see if he shows... waiting for that phone call anyone? Is that pathetic or what?
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  #82  
Old 09-10-2009, 12:39 PM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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Honey. It isn't pathetic to be in pain. But it is probably something you will have to let go. Expressing attraction and emotion and being able to act on that are different things. As he said, he can't help but think "she's married". If his wiring is completely against being able to handle a poly relationship, there you have the answer. Maybe he's afraid you're trying to sort of talk him into it with the continued discussions. Unless he's the one bringing them up, in which case he has to come to some sort of decision or stop confusing you in this way. But if you're the one pushing the issue, you might just be pushing him away-as a lover and as a friend. I know it's hard, but don't lose sleep over it. He'll come to his own decisions and his own comfort level. All you can do is allow him the time and space to do that.
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  #83  
Old 09-10-2009, 02:40 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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"Hopes up Warning"

I think you should really focus on what's real V. What's real is that you can't accept him as just a friend and are torturing yourself with hopes he will "change".

From my stand point you expect a lot out of him as just a friend with the need for replies and good nights consistently. The idea of you being jealous of his 45 minute walks is also a warning sign. You are awfully possessive of what he does considering he is your friend.

I wish you could just enjoy his friendship and let him enjoy yours V. Careful V...don't push him away by trying to keep him closer.

Take care
Mono
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  #84  
Old 09-10-2009, 07:10 PM
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vandalin vandalin is offline
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Thanks guys,

I know that I seem to keep repeating myself. And I'm sure you are getting tired of the broken record that is me. lol

@XYZ123: You are right about needing to let things go. Although I do bring up the questions most often, I have told him many times that if he is not comfortable with talking about it or if he just plain doesn't want me to bring it up anymore, say so. He feels that if it is something I need to talk about, he is ok with that. I do my best to not make it seem like I'm trying to change his mind, since that is not the purpose to my questions. The purpose is solely to understand and he is all for that. And I don't bring up the deep issues every time we talk either, I usually give him some notice too so he has a chance to say, I really don't feel up to talking about that tonight/right now. We are honest with each other. It is not an imagined honesty or a protective honesty either.

@Mono: I'm sorry if you got the impression that I was jealous of the 45 minutes away. It was more just concern. When you set up to go somewhere with a friend or friends, as a group, wouldn't you think that you would do things together? If it was, "Hey I'm gonna go catch this show while you guys do whatever, meet up with you over here later" it would not have been a concern. Even "I'm gonna go wander while you do this" would have been great, but all we (I wasn't the only one there after all) got was, "I'll be back in a bit, meet you at this spot." So, maybe it sounds like I'm justifying my thoughts, but I wasn't the only one to wonder where he had been gone to for so long, and it was our friend who suggested I call him to see where he went.

As for the goodnight and replies... So maybe you hang up the phone without saying goodbye and you don't reply when a friend sends you a message saying that they can't stick around any longer for a chat that was supposed to happen because you aren't feeling well... I say goodnight and would reply, and most of my friends do as well. I do expect these things from him because as a friend he had done that before the whole poly thing was brought up. When there is a change in a person's normal behavior, don't you wonder why? If your normally cheerful friend comes up to you all frowning, don't you ask what's up? If someone who normally answers the phone with "Hey!" suddenly starts answering with "Hello." wouldn't you find it strange? People, especially friends, have certain quirks and habits that we get used to and when they start doing things differently, we have the right and responsibility to ask if everything is ok, especially if they are our friends.

I really am trying to be careful not to push him away. And I know that if I start pushing he WILL let me know. He has before when he felt pressured back when it was evil me. And yes, my hopes are going up and down, some due to unfinished conversations but I think most due to hormones...there does seem to be a pattern to these rants of mine.

Do I hope he will change his mind? I'd be lying if I said no. Am I going to actively try to change his mind? No. We are still going to discuss things because he has confusions as much as I do, it's not black and white for him either, and if in the process things change, woohoo. If not, we have a stronger friendship because we understand each other better. He says he feels the same way about this as I do. He has said that only time can tell whether his feelings about being in a poly relationship will change. Am I waiting for this to happen? Perhaps a little. I admit it. Currently, I can't see myself out looking and trying to find someone to be a part of our family. The whole reason I and we are even here is because of how he and I feel about each other. But I am not holding my breath anymore and I am doing my best not to let this affect my normal every day life.

Can I accept him as just a friend. Yes. I already do. That doesn't mean that I can't hope for more. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. The best in this case would be a real attempt at a relationship with him. The worst would be we settle into a nice comfortable friendship. Neither of us can imagine not having the other in their life.

The facts as they currently stand: He is attracted to me. He would love to have a relationship with me. He is afraid of his jealousy getting in the way and poisoning my marriage. He has certain views of marriage, applicable or not, that are confusing him because he "shouldn't" feel this way or have these thoughts about a married woman. These are things he wants to talk about with me. We both enjoy intelligent and philosophical discussions like this and if it helps him to solidify his thoughts an emotion, in either direction, then some good has come out of it.

Anyway, I'm off for now. Still recouping and am supposed to go to my Thursday group tonight.

Thank you both, and I really do take your words seriously and your opinions to heart, whether I agree or not.
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  #85  
Old 09-10-2009, 07:25 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vandalin View Post
The worst would be we settle into a nice comfortable friendship. Neither of us can imagine not having the other in their life.

I beg to differ. The "worst" would be having a "relationship", things don't work, and not being in each others' lives at all.

The "nice comfortable friendship" to me seems like the best scenario.

This looks like a case of "you can't always get what you want, but sometimes you can get what you need".

You need to think about the glass that is half-empty and half-full, both at the same time.

I wish I could go back a few months and take my own advice, as well as some of the others' I've read here.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 09-10-2009 at 07:30 PM.
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  #86  
Old 09-10-2009, 08:30 PM
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I know that the worst really is that we can't be friends...but my gut, my true instinct says that that won't happen, and whenever I listen to it, it doesn't lead me astray.

Maybe my hubby "spoiled" me in a sense. Before we got married, he had broken up with me telling me that he just could not see us married. Ok, my husband said that. Obviously something changed. 10 months later we were back together, 7 months later we were living together again, a year and a few months later engaged and 8 months after that married. Perhaps that has put on some rose-tinted lenses when it comes to Elric. Give him time and understandinig and whatever conversation or discussions we want and need from eachother and we shall see what happens. Or maybe I can't get what I want, but he is someone I need in my life, so on that count you may be completely correct. But given time, who knows what can happen.
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  #87  
Old 09-21-2009, 06:21 PM
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vandalin vandalin is offline
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All righty! Feeling pretty good right now, and only time will tell (and hormones I suppose)

Elric and I had probably the best conversation of all our attempts. He has felt that he was going in circles telling me the same thing over and over, which in a way was true but with different reasons for what he was telling me. But he was telling me over and over because I never really had my chance to say what I needed to say. That finally happened last night.

We set up a meet time and started talking at 10pm and talking and talking and talking back and forth, give and take, a real dialogue between us that lasted for almost 5 hours! I was able to respond to things he has said in the past and to also get a lot of feelings and questions off of my chest and he was able to respond to both. There were hard times and joking but the important thing is that I think I finally said what I needed to say and got what I needed from him.

He was able to explain his feelings better and I got a look into his mind and heart as I hope he got a look into mine. He does love me as a friend but he has "let go" of trying/wanting to love me as more. I'm not saying that it doesn't hurt, but it's not the searing pain of my earlier broken heart.

When we finished the conversation and said good night I even had a bit of a smile on my face, perhaps knowing that yes, I can move on now.

Now I can only hope that my hormones and other chemicals don't get in my way. Now I think I can finally put some of this behind me and start working on my other problems...one thing off my over flowing plate, lets see what's next.

I'm looking forward to see where our friendship takes us. He is one of the best friends I have ever had and although I am sad that it probably will never be more than that, I truly feel I can be content with that. I say probably because you never can know if things will change, not that I'm hoping really, just saying, anything is possible.
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  #88  
Old 09-21-2009, 06:30 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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This is fantastic Vandalin!! Hold on to that healthy connection and just let life roll. Great news
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  #89  
Old 09-21-2009, 06:33 PM
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Thanks Mono, I really have a good feeling about it this time.
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  #90  
Old 09-22-2009, 12:44 PM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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That's great. Sometimes you need that closure.
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