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Old 05-09-2013, 06:02 PM
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sortafairytale sortafairytale is offline
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Here is my issue…I'm just going to throw it out there and hope you guys can muddle through the mess of my mind and help. I started a blog here a few months back, when things were rosy and bright. I had decided to let go of issues that were mine and just let the relationship with our girlfriend develop how it would and things were good for the most part. Drunken times led to drunken arguments but for the most part we were a wonderful little triad full of love love love.

Nails and I are VERY affectionate people. Giggles claims to be and yet, though I have reassured her a million times to kiss us when she wants, hug us when she wants, hold our hand when she wants…it just doesn't happen when it comes to me. She has no problem showing affection when we are with Nails and at times I don't even have to be the one to initiate it but when we're alone or when we are in her neck of the woods (she lives an hour away from us) It all changes. Example: A few weeks back there was a big event in her town. She invited both Nails and I to go. Nails pulled us both into him and kissed us both. IF we would have been in our town we would have kissed each other after that but she actually turned her cheek to me…hmm ok. So I chalked it up as her not being overly comfortable on her own turf showing her "bi-side".

I didn't confront her with it right then even though it hurt. Later in the week brought it up, no accusing her of anything, I just simply said I want to know what she was and wasn't comfortable with because I don't want to put her in an awkward situation and I don't want to get hurt. She said she was fine with whatever display of affection I wanted. Fine I accepted that but then I started to notice little things. We only kiss when I kiss her. We only touch when I touch her. We are only sexual if I start it. I started to feel very unwanted and almost like to have Nails she had to have me so fine!

Then we went on vacation…It was beautiful. I thought this would be a time to bring us together. We were in Key West and it was nice for the three of us to move through the streets how we wanted with no one even looking twice. Nails decided to stay in one day and let the two of us go shopping. I tried a few times to steal kisses from her but she wasn't having it. I tried holding her hand and within seconds she switched her shopping bag to the hand I was holding. What?

I didn't say anything. Nails has a tendency to take my side and I didn't want to sour our vacation so I kept my mouth shut to both of them about it. We went out that night and I made a point to keep my drinking in check. I did drink I just made a point to get a comfy little buzz without having my head swim around in my emotions. I can get highly emotional and it's harder to keep my mouth shut with rum in me. This did not however stop a fight from happening. The bar we settled into was crowded with people. Some older ladies, I'd say late 50's to early 60's asked if they could share our table and we obliged. Giggles and I went to dance and it was like I wasn't even there. All she could do was look around me and watch what Nails was doing with the older ladies. (Which was nothing but talking and watching us. I think the oldest one ruffled his hair at one point. It was all cute and innocent).

I asked Giggles what was going on and she was like "What is he doing???" I glanced over my shoulder and then looked back at her. I can not tell anyone to ignore how they feel, that's not right but I didn't want a scene and I could see it brewing in her eyes. I was careful what I said. "It's ok Giggles. He's just talking. We can go back to the table if you want." Her reply. "Hmmphf watch this." THAT is where I draw a line. My husband and I have a very very open relationship but I'd be the first to say if he was being out of line. I asked Giggles to please not cause a scene. Let's just say if looks could kill I'd be dead but she behaved herself. She walked back to the table and just hugged him and kissed his cheek. I turned my attention towards the ladies who were all full of questions about how open minded I was about having a girlfriend. None of them were disrespectful only curious.

Within moments I was being yanked away by Giggles and dragged back out to the dance floor. She said she was fine the old ladies were nothing for her to worry about. We danced a bit and then BAM she started the little lookie loo game again over my shoulder. I asked her if she and Nails had discussed yet what she is ok with and what she isn't when it comes to attention with other ladies. She said no. So I said for her to please let it go for now and the three of us will have a conversation when we are all sober and all in our right mind. For now she was upset with him for something he didn't even know he was doing. Her response. "Two can play at this game! Let him have his old ladies I'll find a 20 year old." I was floored. What the hell was going on. This was a side of her I had never seen and to be honest I didn't like it a whole lot but she was super drunk and I can be very very forgiving. Once again I asked her to calm down and focus on me. That we will talk to Nails together and work out what is ok and what isn't. She obliged for a few minutes though anyone looking at us on the dance floor would have thought I was with a friend not my girlfriend. I kept trying to snuggle into her but she wasn't having it. I wrote it off as her being upset with him.

Music ended and I had to go to the bathroom. I noticed Nails coming towards us and I asked Giggles nicely to place wait to confront him until I was back. Do you think she listened? I have never peed so fast in my life. I was away from them less then two minutes and when I came back she was snuggled up to him grinning from ear to ear. The moment I approached them she said "We talked it's fine." This flicked a switch in me. I was pissed. I had asked her nicely to wait mainly because I didn't want it to blow up into a fight between two drunks but second I asked her to wait because earlier in the day she and I agreed things need to start being discussed between the three of us and not just her and I or me and him. I stated I was pissed and that she was now messing with the dynamic of myself and my husband. Of course I get that was the wrong wording and as soon as I said it I tried to explain what I meant but she wasn't hearing it. She told me to fuck off and she left. I threw my hands up ready for Nails to come to her defense which he did and then he was gone after her.

Feeling like a complete idiot I tucked my tail between my legs and followed. I walked slow thinking he'd get back to the room and be able to calm her down and get her to bed, maybe get a quickie in to settle things…I was wrong. I forgot the gate to the damn room needed a key so I needed to be let in. I sent Nails a message and as I approached I heard the door to our room slam and open again and the two of them screaming at each other. Then a beer can came flying at my husband's head. I kept my cool though in the moment I wanted to rip the woman's eyes out. (Sorry but you do not even attempt to hurt my husband or kids or else I go instant mother bear on your ass)

Ugh this has turned into a long ass story sorry. I'll try to speed it up. Screaming, yelling, clothing being stuffed back into luggage and Giggles was going home. I finally calmed her enough to get her to sit so we could all talk. There were a few things said mainly by me. She said she was tired of being the third wheel so I asked what she wanted. She didn't answer so I asked again "Giggles What do you want?" Her response floored me. "I want him!" I shouldn't have been that surprised but to have her actually say it stung me to my core. "Well that's not going to fucking happen honey so you have a choice" came flying out of my mouth before I let myself process too much. "It's either all or nothing. We said that from the beginning" She just looked at me. I said it again. "All or nothing!" and she said "Nothing cause I don't need this drama." That was it for me. I grabbed a blanket and a pillow and went down to the pool to lay on one of the lounge chairs. I felt like I was going to suffocate. I don't know how long I was down there. I know I started to doze before Nails showed up. He brought me up to bed and held me while I cried and we both past out.

The next morning we all talked. I didn't bring up what was said or how she hurt me. I just wanted to finish our vacation in piece. I made no effort to have her alone. No effort to be the one to show her affection. I just floated by smiling through it all and enjoying my time with Nails and my friend. (yes I have an odd ability to separate Giggles into two people. I can see her as my girlfriend or as my friend as I need to).

So here we are back home…back to reality and I don't know what to do. I know I have to talk to her but I also know I'm going to get the same sideways talking from her I always get. I'll get no real answer on how she feels. No real answer on what she wants and whatever generic thing she tries to say to smooth things over well I don't know if they will. I really don't know what to do people. I love her…Nails loves her. I just can't keep this up if this is how it's going to be. If she wants Nails well I can't do anything about that and Nails has already made it very very clear he wants no side relationship with her on his own if she and I are not in a relationship. He isn't looking for a girlfriend for himself, he only wants a girlfriend for us. Help…please.
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Sortafairytale: 40/me/Bi
Nails: 42/husband married 16 year together 18/straight
Pumkin: 25/my kissy face friend sorta gf
John5: 38/Pumkin'a BF and good friends with Nails and myself
Snuggles: 25/dating Nails and Me
Giggles: 37/the ex-girlfriend

Buzz: 20/oldest son adopted at 2 by Nails
Stitch: 17/youngest son with Nails
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  #2  
Old 05-09-2013, 06:32 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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If you too are a package deal and she is just not that into you, please do her a favour and tell her it is over. Sounds like a nightmare all around to be honest.
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Old 05-09-2013, 06:40 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I read your blog a few weeks back, but I did not get the chance to reply.

From all that I have read in your blog and in this post, it seems like she is just not into you. If ever you had any doubts, her saying that she only wanted him should have been the flashing neon sign. You having to issue any kind of "all or nothing" type of deal should not have ever been an option. Turning away from kisses from you, but happily engaging in PDA with your husband any time is a red flag for me. Talking something over with your husband and making them right without including you in the conversation? Red flag. You mentioned in your blog that if you treat her like a friend as opposed to a girlfriend when you are out, she "freaks out," but if you are in her area of the city, she pulls away from PDA. If I did not know any better, I would say she was only dating you to be with your husband.

I may be the only one who thinks this, but as much as you love her and care about her, I believe the relationship might need to end. It seems like a miserable existence.

You and Nails presented yourselves as a package deal, and she only wants the contents of the package, the ribbon/the paper, or the box it came in. Do yourselves and her a favour and end it now. She is not what you both want, and you are not she wants.
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Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
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  #4  
Old 05-09-2013, 09:16 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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What do you mean you "get no real answer how she feels"? You GOT the answer - she wants HIM, NOT YOU, and her actions agree with her words. YOU REFUSE TO BELIEVE HER. YOU ARE IN DENIAL.

The End.
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  #5  
Old 05-09-2013, 09:28 PM
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sortafairytale sortafairytale is offline
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You're all right and I know it. It's been a long long time since I've broken up with anyone and this time I have 3 people to consider and not just 2. So I think this need to give her a chance to fix it might be more for Nails then for myself.

Truth is I know I would never put up with this crap from a man so I'm not sure why I'm letting her handle me this way. It's said though, investing a year of your life into someone and then reality sets in.

Thanks for the replies. On a side note Ry I read your blog religiously. It's one of my favorites here. I love how you open up everything without holding back.

BoringGuy no one could ever accuse you of being full of shit! You're always blunt with everyone and I love that!
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Sortafairytale: 40/me/Bi
Nails: 42/husband married 16 year together 18/straight
Pumkin: 25/my kissy face friend sorta gf
John5: 38/Pumkin'a BF and good friends with Nails and myself
Snuggles: 25/dating Nails and Me
Giggles: 37/the ex-girlfriend

Buzz: 20/oldest son adopted at 2 by Nails
Stitch: 17/youngest son with Nails
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Old 05-09-2013, 09:41 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Most of the time i'm just repeating back to people what they already wrote. Sometimes i do a little reading btwn the lines, going out on a limb, assuming, juxtaposing, etc. and i'm prepared to be mistaken and have it pointed out to me... But i realize what i am doing and purposely try to phrase things in the most "vulgar" (pedestrian, working-class) way because that's how people think before it goes into the "filter" of brain-to-mouth-or-keyboard.

tl;dr. I appreciate the compliment; i know i'm not full of shit, this time, and even if i am, i bet i'm not, really.
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Old 05-09-2013, 10:21 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Most of the time i'm just repeating back to people what they already wrote. Sometimes i do a little reading btwn the lines, going out on a limb, assuming, juxtaposing, etc. and i'm prepared to be mistaken and have it pointed out to me... But i realize what i am doing and purposely try to phrase things in the most "vulgar" (pedestrian, working-class) way because that's how people think before it goes into the "filter" of brain-to-mouth-or-keyboard.

tl;dr. I appreciate the compliment; i know i'm not full of shit, this time, and even if i am, i bet i'm not, really.

but the "million dollar question" is why?


Hang in there Sortafairytale, some people do the exact opposite of the behavior that would get them what they want, but either way, whether she is only into your man, or really wants you more but is just playing games, she isn't worth it. People that do that kind of crap in regards to matters of the heart only cause pain for everyone around them. Consider yourself lucky you found out earlier rather than later.
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Old 05-10-2013, 05:50 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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The "million dollar answer" is "because".

Because why? Because people cannot get enough of this fabulous thing i see in the mirror every time i look, that's why. I won't bother explaining it to you. You either get it or you don't.
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Old 05-10-2013, 12:22 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Knowing that some relationships work out and some don't, when you tell someone it's "all or nothing" -- two relationships or neither -- you're putting them in a cruel situation where there's so much weird pressure that I think it decreases the chances of either relationship working. "Hmm, I'm not sure how I feel about this person. But I guess I have to continue opening my body and heart to them in order to be with this other person I deeply love. It's worth it for love... right? Sure does feel uncomfortable though..."

I'm not saying your girlfriend has been perfect in this situation, it sounds like some of her behavior was messed up. But I really think your approach is the driver of all the problems here. I hope you consider that "side relationships" aka "relationships that dont put people in the position of feeling like they have to simultaneously make two brand new hard things work in order to have either" might actually be the smarter, more ethical, and more functional choice.

Further reading:
http://davidlnoble.com/so-somebody-c...nicorn-hunter/
http://www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html

I know this is harsh, I'm just so, so, so, so tired of reading variations on this exact same story.
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Last edited by AnnabelMore; 05-10-2013 at 12:26 PM.
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Old 05-10-2013, 12:25 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sortafairytale View Post
So I think this need to give her a chance to fix it might be more for Nails then for myself.
Give her a chance to fix what? To show you that she really is into you? As others have pointed out, you've had a very clear answer. Words and actions match. She's there primarily or only for him.
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