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Old 05-08-2013, 07:11 PM
Raeiy Raeiy is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 4
Default Am I ever going to find someone?

Or, two some-ones, since that's my preference?

Perhaps I'm being pessimistic. Perhaps I want more than is possible at this point in life, but I cannot pretend that at 23 when most of my peers are in at least committed, long term relationships and having kids and having a life, I'm still stuck at home with my piles of books and when my blood heats up occasionally, my fingers. It's lonely. Moreso when I simply can't connect to the people around me and as a demisexual, cannot have casual sex. I end up sitting at home listening to my mother discuss how she thinks I'm either a lesbian or going to be an old cat lady.
And it'd be fine, even if I could talk to someone about this, but everyone here is homo- and abnormal-phobic, and I'll probably be committed if I even breathe a word about this to anyone I know in real life.
I'm not even going to touch on the odds of me finding two guys to form a vee with. Perhaps its a lot less dire and complicated than I'm making it seem in the depths of my pessimism, but I doubt it. Blindly plodding along and hoping it gets easier is a lot like walking around a house you don't know in the dark while a ghost is out to get you. Not fun. Scary. Damned heartbreaking. Or heart-stopping. Both.
I forget what the point of this post was.
It gets better, right?
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Old 05-08-2013, 07:25 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,640

Yes it gets better. Being an "old cat lady" is great, and your friends who are all living the Life Script will be divorced, haggard, and supporting their adult children's drug habits by the time they're 45. You will look back on this time of your life and be glad you are you instead of someone you know.

The same thing happened to me.

But a word of advice - stop whining. It's not attractive. Nobody suffers a whiner gladly for long. Pessimism, yes; whining, no.
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Old 05-08-2013, 07:37 PM
Raeiy Raeiy is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 4

You know, I'm going to take that in the spirit it was given, and run with it.
Thank you!
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Old 05-08-2013, 08:50 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Seattle
Posts: 257

I don't mean this is in a condescending way, but you are so young! I had my first real relationship (and lost my virginity) when I was 27. Talk about a late bloomer! I was nerdy and goofy my whole life, and just one of the guys, and it wasn't until I grew up and became comfortable with who I am before I found someone. And to be quite honest, I had to stop worrying about looking. Now I'm almost 35, with a boyfriend of 7 years, a friendship-with-benefits for a year and a half, and a girlfriend for almost a year. I have a home and a step-kid, and yes, 3 cats.

Revel in the fact that you get this time to learn and be and grow and experience, and become a fuller person. Take classes in things that interest you, do things you enjoy, and build connections with the people you meet, especially if you can't have those connections with the people already around you. Widen your circle and be the best you possible so you'll be a good partner for those two men when they show up.

- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
- Punk, married guy, poly, FWB since 9/2011 with an emphasis on the "F"
- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy, ultimately amicable breakup), and his 11-year-old son Kiddo
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Old 05-08-2013, 08:56 PM
ManofDiscovery ManofDiscovery is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NW England
Posts: 113

Cats are awesome. You don't need anything else
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Old 05-08-2013, 09:15 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 689

I think finding someone depends a lot on your attitude. Right now, you are worried so much about finding someone that you're not focused on being you! Stop worrying about other people, get out and do things you enjoy, meet new people, make new friends, and see where it goes. If you're a happy person, people are more likely to be attracted to you.

I'm also 23 (for a few more weeks ). I had to completely step away from dating for about 3 months recently because I was so focused on how my relationships weren't working out, how I wasn't meeting anyone I was really that into, etc. that I lost sight of the person that I want to be. As soon as I got back to that person and thought I might be ready to dip my toes back into the dating waters... I met my boyfriend and my girlfriend. I just had to be in a better place and couldn't feel like my personal happiness was dependent upon a relationship.
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Old 05-08-2013, 11:16 PM
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nancyfore nancyfore is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 163

Originally Posted by ManofDiscovery View Post
Cats are awesome. You don't need anything else
Yes, they are... lol

You could try getting out of the house and doing something fun. Your also not going to meet anyone sitting with your mother in the house. Take up a hobby, join a gym, start running on a path (or walk), etc, etc...
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Old 05-08-2013, 11:43 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

You know, you actually can tell your mother to shut the fuck up - maybe in a nicer way than that, but my point is that just because a person lives at home with their parents doesn't mean you have to take their bullshit. They should respect you as much as they expect you to respect them, so next time she gives you shit, tell her that if she continues to criticize, name-call, direct negativity at you, or whatever other shit she throws your way, that you will no longer talk to her at all. People like that, even if they are our parents, should not be allowed to impose their asinine belief systems on us and try to bring us down. Stand up for yourself and then get outta the house. Start creating the life you want. You're super young - the world is your oyster!

PS - Although I started having boyfriends at about age 13, I only had a few long-term serious relationships from that age until I was 39. My long, long period of singlehood was full of many short-term relationships (some quite disastrous), and numerous one-nightstands (some of those quite disastrous, too!), in addition to those very few longer more serious relationships. But I didn't find a partner and get married until I was 39. And now I am 53 and getting divorced. Life has many twists and turns. We all have to make the best out of what we have - go to school, get your degree, meet people, and take the world on!
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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