Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 05-09-2013, 10:24 AM
Natja's Avatar
Natja Natja is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 823
Default

Well it is good that you have some fight left. I have pretty much lost interest, I prefer assertive men anyway and have no interest in men who lack enough the assertiveness to stick up for me and what we have.....desire level 0, interest level 0, apathy rate 10.

N
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 05-09-2013, 12:01 PM
ManofDiscovery ManofDiscovery is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NW England
Posts: 117
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by leelee22 View Post
I think he tends to fall back on "GF won't let me" when he really means "I'm afraid to ask her"; I shouldn't put up with that.
Wow...I don't think I could even allow those words to leave my mouth, due to the ridiculous levels of internal shame I would experience as a result.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 05-09-2013, 04:00 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
Well it is good that you have some fight left. I have pretty much lost interest, I prefer assertive men anyway and have no interest in men who lack enough the assertiveness to stick up for me and what we have.....desire level 0, interest level 0, apathy rate 10.

N


Me too. I prefer assertive men, women, people... I fail to understand what is appealing about "having" a relationship with someone who is not in control of their own destiny.

You think he's gonna read that list and say "oh ok, i'll show this to my wife and she'll sign off on the parts that she approves."

Also, if his wife thinks you are a "whore", she should WANT to meet you so she can decide if you are a good whore or a bad whore.

(dear opalescent and whoever else is triggered by mention of vulgar terminology for sex industry workers and/or automatically associates the paying of money in exchange for sexual acts with victimization: i did not just call the OP a "whore". It was a tongue-and-cheek reference to the Wizard of Oz where Dorothy says "are you a good witch or a bad witch". Those of you who got it the first time can disregard this safety warning.)
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 05-09-2013, 05:11 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,304
Default

Geez, Leelee, it all sounds like more work than it is worth, to be honest. If he's a wuss and kowtows to someone who has control of their relationship, and she thinks you're just a whore who is beneath her, do you actually think you will get what you want and gain any respect for your boundaries? Why even bother meeting? I still think it's a good idea to clearly delineate what YOU will and will not accept as you go forward in any relationship, but the dynamic you have with him seems so disappointing and, really, not worth the effort you're making. Wishy-washy ineffectual men... blarghh!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 05-09-2013, 09:19 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Geez, Leelee, it all sounds like more work than it is worth, to be honest. If he's a wuss and kowtows to someone who has control of their relationship, and she thinks you're just a whore who is beneath her, do you actually think you will get what you want and gain any respect for your boundaries? Why even bother meeting? I still think it's a good idea to clearly delineate what YOU will and will not accept as you go forward in any relationship, but the dynamic you have with him seems so disappointing and, really, not worth the effort you're making. Wishy-washy ineffectual men... blarghh!




But...but it could be really good if he would just...change.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 05-09-2013, 11:45 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,118
Default

It's good you did this.

If nothing else, you have clarified it better for YOURSELF and future dating partners even if THIS ONE is not a repeat run.

There's a reason you broke up with him the first time, after all.

But...take your meeting. See what you see. If it just confirms he's best left as an ex because just NOT compatible, there's still cookies here for you.

You articulated what matters to you in a dating partner on paper.
You are practicing become more assertive in your OWN communications / negotiations.

That's helping to you in your subsequent dating life no matter WHO the dating partners turns out to be.

So good for you!

GL!
Galagirl
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 05-09-2013, 11:55 PM
leelee22's Avatar
leelee22 leelee22 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Great white north
Posts: 43
Default

Ok, for the record, I am NOT any kind of whore, good or bad. (and BoringGuy, of course i know you've never heard a Justin Bieber song.)

What I am, though, is a person with a very high sex drive. I feel very irritable (ANGRY, even); I have trouble focusing on the things I should be focusing on (work, for example); and I'm not my best self if I'm not getting my sexual needs met. I am also not everybody's cup of tea (who is?), so it's not like i have a long line up out the door of eligible men to choose from.

The relationship i had with this particular guy was not optimal, granted. But it was nice to have someone to have sex with. I find it a major struggle to be all principled and selective when it means I have to walk around feeling like I want to punch a wall because I'm just too horny. So if it is indeed possible to motivate this convenient, pleasant, former lover of mine who actually DID find me to be his cup of tea to change JUST A LITTLE BIT, then it would be worth the twenty-minute conversation.

So yes, I concede, it would be convenient if he would change a bit. And people CAN change; I know it because I have changed enormously in the last ten years. Sometimes even in response to suggestions from people I liked and respected.

Leelee
__________________
Leelee, all alone.
OKC profile
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 05-10-2013, 02:56 AM
leelee22's Avatar
leelee22 leelee22 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Great white north
Posts: 43
Default

Sorry if that was a bit TMI, folks. Had a really miserable day.
__________________
Leelee, all alone.
OKC profile
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 05-10-2013, 09:18 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,691
Default

Hey Leelee, no worries. I am one of the horniest people on the planet. When I broke up with my ex husband, even tho we were getting along like crap, we were having daily intense sex. I was used to it.

Then I went 3 months without a partner! I was soooo horny, and not likely to meet eligible men at my job. There was a postman that came in every day and I was half thinking of asking him if he was single! lol

Then someone told me about ok cupid and within weeks I had a serious (sexy) gf, as well as men of all ages figuratively lining up around the block to ravish me. I'm not everyone's cuppa tea either (I was 54 and full figured then, even older now), but I found okc was good for me for both finding a real relationship as well as more casual play-partners of every age and shape and size. At some points I had 4 partners at once...
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 05-18-2013, 10:26 PM
leelee22's Avatar
leelee22 leelee22 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Great white north
Posts: 43
Default

So, this long-awaited conversation with the former beau has not yet happened yet, due to various fairly legit delays on both sides. Now scheduled for this coming Weds. I am getting impatient, but trying not to get my hopes up.

What HAS been interesting is that ever since he asked to talk, he has been making an effort to write me emails now and then, light little missives about the general goings-on in his life. The thing is, chatty emails are NOT this guy's thing. He's an in-person person and doesn't really connect through electronic means (in fact, he's often offline for days at a time). So this is something he is doing on purpose because he thinks i'd like it.

I find that interesting. And one of the things that stuck with me most from when we split up was that he said "I feel sad about this, because you are the first real friend I've made since i moved back here." (he lived in Europe... SIX years ago!)

Anyway, should my pitch to try to get him to buy into my version of poly fail -- and i think it's more likely to fail than to succeed -- perhaps I will try to keep this man as some sort of friend. It would be nice to have a poly friend to compare notes with.
__________________
Leelee, all alone.
OKC profile
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:28 AM.