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  #11  
Old 05-06-2013, 05:43 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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It sounds like you're more "buddies" with the younger one than the older one..to me. I mean that in the sense that being buddies is a solid foundation for a life-long relationship, just like i have with my Other Partner. I knew right from the beginning that we would be great friends, that was before either of us realized the other was interested in more. It really is a great thing when it happens that way.
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  #12  
Old 05-06-2013, 05:48 PM
PapaRhino PapaRhino is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Sounds like you have come to a conclusion. You seem to show sensible judgement and will choose well even if the choices are difficult.

Don't be afraid of choosing. We choose all day long, hon.

What to eat for breakfast? What clothes to wear today? Where to park the car?

Just that some choices are small and others are big. Some consequences are felt as small things and others as big things. But ALL choices come with consequences. Even choosing not to choose -- that is a choice. Time will march on and here comes the consequences of passive selection.

Could keep working to get out from being so dependent on your fiancee. Maybe apply for work elsewhere with improved pay. Or even same pay but better emotionally/psychologically so she is not also your boss.

But def don't get legally wed if your thoughts are running in that direction right now.

Again, better a SUCCESSFUL engagement that helps you both to realize you are not compatible for marriage. Than a failed marriage stemming from a poorly executed Engagement Time that was to rushy or not talking deeply enough.

Galagirl
I love working for my fiance, I help disabled people find jobs and I do their job applications for them, I really, really enjoy my work and her business sense is amazingly good, so she's probably the best boss I could ask for, coming from a pizza shop at 100 degrees in Michigan. Because of that, I don't mind working for her until the end of the year, or even maybe while I'm in school if we can work something out to do that well enough.

My decision will be made over the next seven months, I have to feel out this new person in my life to even see if I want to move out for school or stay with my fiance.

But right now? I really, really am looking forward to longboarding next summer with this new girl, laying in the sun together afterwords and madly passionate and kinky love making.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
It sounds like you're more "buddies" with the younger one than the older one..to me. I mean that in the sense that being buddies is a solid foundation for a life-long relationship, just like i have with my Other Partner. I knew right from the beginning that we would be great friends, that was before either of us realized the other was interested in more. It really is a great thing when it happens that way.
This is very, very true. After this new girl has come in my fiance now wants to learn to skateboard and go to punk rock shows with me..but I believe it's just an act and she's not really interested though she states she is. It's just too weird of timing to me.

New girl says she wants to be with me until the day we die, that's a strong commitment to make after a month of knowing somebody. And I don't know if I can believe that so soon, hence me waiting the seven months so I can position myself to better make this choice.

...And who doesn't want to wake up in a space you can call your own, with a smooth, white skinned nubile body in lace underwear handing you a bong in the morning before class? *birds chirp* I know I want that.

Last edited by PapaRhino; 05-06-2013 at 05:52 PM.
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  #13  
Old 05-06-2013, 06:03 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am glad you enjoy your line of work -- but again... could do same work elsewhere or change work so your fiancee is NOT your boss at some point. I am glad you see that.

She might be cool to work for NOW but you never know later in polyshipping if she goes nuts on you. Then you are left on shaky financial ground. What if she fires you? And then you have to see her at dinner time? You already state not wishing to end up homeless should things fold.

Or for the simple matter of 2 members of family work for company A. Should it fold how many people are screwed? Both. Versus each of you working at different places so should one lose work, there is still the other person hopefully doing ok.

Quote:
This is very, very true. After this new girl has come in my fiance now wants to learn to skateboard and go to punk rock shows with me..but I believe it's just an act and she's not really interested though she states she is. It's just too weird of timing to me.
Yup. Take it with a grain of salt. But enjoy it anyway.

Quote:
New girl says she wants to be with me until the day we die, that's a strong commitment to make after a month of knowing somebody. And I don't know if I can believe that so soon, hence me waiting the seven months so I can position myself to better make this choice.
Yup. Take it with a grain of salt. But enjoy it anyway.

Again, kudos for seeming to have good judgement/evaluation skills. Keepin' it realistic over there is a good thing.

Namaste,
Galagirl
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  #14  
Old 05-06-2013, 06:06 PM
PapaRhino PapaRhino is offline
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I wish I could continue to do the same line of work if it weren't for her, but that wouldn't be possible, she works for the state and has her own massive client base, it's the only reason I'm not working fast food or some other low-income job, I work about 21 hours a week at $10/hour, that's hard to find these days.

I didn't sign up for this situation when I came here, and I sure as hell didn't predict that I would be in a relationship involving a 41 year old, a 65 year old and a 19 year old. Ha. Funny how life works.
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  #15  
Old 05-06-2013, 06:40 PM
kkxvlv kkxvlv is offline
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Why is this guy getting the "She's trying to control you" speech instead of the NRE speech?

You say you were fine with the relationship with your fiance until this new partner came along. What changed the original relationship that you are no longer happy with it other than someone came along who you have more in common with? Now you're concerned about your individual growth? Was that not a concern when you proposed to your fiance?

Is it just me or does your writing sound a bit like this has little to do with education and more to do with the women?

You are talking about life long commitments to both of them when you sound unsure about what YOU want out of your life right now other than skateboarding and hot sex. I'm not judging that by the way, I'm just saying you don't sound ready to be talking about doing anything until the day you die. Maybe stop trying to decide what you're going to do for the rest of your life and quit talking about those kinds of commitments.

You describe the new partner who you've known a little over a month as having the same place in your heart as someone you proposed to spend the rest of your life with monogamously. Where would you be right now if your fiances other partner hadn't come back in to the picture?

It doesn't seem very strange (or controlling) to me that your fiance is not thrilled with your idea of going to school because you talk about it as if you aren't going for the education, you're going to follow this other girl who you just met. She's not making up this paranoid delusion that despite your engagement you're leaving her for some young woman you can share a video game console and a bong with. It sounds like that is exactly what you are considering.

The school plans you've described are the new partners pre-existing plans. Your fiancees business is her plan. Why aren't you looking for a YOU plan? You are certainly going to be in a relationship with yourself for the rest of your life.
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  #16  
Old 05-06-2013, 06:55 PM
PapaRhino PapaRhino is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kkxvlv View Post
Why is this guy getting the "She's trying to control you" speech instead of the NRE speech?

You say you were fine with the relationship with your fiance until this new partner came along. What changed the original relationship that you are no longer happy with it other than someone came along who you have more in common with? Now you're concerned about your individual growth? Was that not a concern when you proposed to your fiance?

Is it just me or does your writing sound a bit like this has little to do with education and more to do with the women?

You are talking about life long commitments to both of them when you sound unsure about what YOU want out of your life right now other than skateboarding and hot sex. I'm not judging that by the way, I'm just saying you don't sound ready to be talking about doing anything until the day you die. Maybe stop trying to decide what you're going to do for the rest of your life and quit talking about those kinds of commitments.

You describe the new partner who you've known a little over a month as having the same place in your heart as someone you proposed to spend the rest of your life with monogamously. Where would you be right now if your fiances other partner hadn't come back in to the picture?

It doesn't seem very strange (or controlling) to me that your fiance is not thrilled with your idea of going to school because you talk about it as if you aren't going for the education, you're going to follow this other girl who you just met. She's not making up this paranoid delusion that despite your engagement you're leaving her for some young woman you can share a video game console and a bong with. It sounds like that is exactly what you are considering.

The school plans you've described are the new partners pre-existing plans. Your fiancees business is her plan. Why aren't you looking for a YOU plan? You are certainly going to be in a relationship with yourself for the rest of your life.
I don't think I've explained myself clearly enough, here, let me try this.

I was fine with the relationship until this new girl came into the picture, yes, that's true. When that happened, it made me reconsider what I was doing with my life now. Before this new girl I had planned on just staying with my fiance for the long haul and taking things as they came, school wasn't a thing on my mind, nor was getting a car and learning to drive, I was content with just her and I living together and I'd take a fall if it happened. So no, I wasn't concerned with my individual growth until this new girl came into the picture.

I do know what I want with my life other than skateboarding and hot sex.

If my fiance's other partner didn't reenter the picture, I would still be completely committed to her and our original goals and mission. When he entered the picture again after I had already proposed, it killed me inside, and tore my heart to shreds, and I was left to mend them in a way that would allow this third person into my life and share the person I wanted to marry. Because of this, I mended my heart back together to think from a poly mindset, I was willing to accept others into my love life and accept that the same could happen with my fiance.

I am going to school for my education, that's the number one reason for me doing so, I need to have it should this situation fall apart in a bad way, I'm not just following this other girl, her plans align with what I would like to do with my life, and so I see no reasons other than clear cut and direct benefits for going to the same school she does for at least the first year or two, the education I'll be getting won't be anything that I could get better closer to my current home. These school plans are ones I've had since before I've met the new girl, but I didn't think they were needed as soon as possible until she came into the picture. I've had a vested interest in technology and I know that's the field I want to enter into, and have for years now. It's just over the past few months that I've become gripped by mobile applications and feel confident in taking that route, opposed to owning a computer repair shop, as there are more negative concerns while going into that line of work that have prevented me from moving forward with it sooner and in the past.
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  #17  
Old 05-06-2013, 07:03 PM
kkxvlv kkxvlv is offline
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I am officially old and have lost my perspective from youth. I got married at 18 to a man a met when I was 16. He is 12 years older than me. I know I sound like an asshole who is judging you for being young and wanting to have fun and talking about marriage. It sort of blow my mind that a post like that just came out of my head. Discard that if it feels like an old person telling you you don't know what love is and let me offer this.

I'm still married, 12 years next monday. I feel like I got super lucky with the choices I made. I didn't know everything about myself then but I ended up with someone who loves who I became. Thats got to be part luck. I never wanted to be 20 though. I'm in the same line of work now as I was when I was 20, we bought a house that year. I never wanted those experiences you've described so I don't feel like I missed anything. I never felt a big maturity or generational or stage of life and interests gap with my husband. When I met someone else I fell in love with I never once fantasized about a life with the other guy without him in it. I never thought about leaving him.

So let me take back saying don't think about forever, but just remember you don't have to think about forever for it to be love now. Enjoy life right now.
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  #18  
Old 05-06-2013, 07:36 PM
kkxvlv kkxvlv is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PapaRhino View Post
I don't think I've explained myself clearly enough, here, let me try this.

I was fine with the relationship until this new girl came into the picture, yes, that's true. When that happened, it made me reconsider what I was doing with my life now. Before this new girl I had planned on just staying with my fiance for the long haul and taking things as they came, school wasn't a thing on my mind, nor was getting a car and learning to drive, I was content with just her and I living together and I'd take a fall if it happened. So no, I wasn't concerned with my individual growth until this new girl came into the picture.

Quote:
If my fiance's other partner didn't reenter the picture, I would still be completely committed to her and our original goals and mission.
That is exactly what I thought. Your path has completely changed based on other people who just happened to show up in your life. If those chance events hadn't taken place you'd have followed an entirely different course. I was trying to suggest that you be wary of pointing yourself on any lifelong trajectory which is being determined by these chance events and other people and instead give yourself time to determine an intentional path for yourself you'd like to follow before you make any commitments for the rest of your life. You don't have to know everything now just give yourself the space to figure it out.
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  #19  
Old 05-06-2013, 07:42 PM
PapaRhino PapaRhino is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kkxvlv View Post
That is exactly what I thought. Your path has completely changed based on other people who just happened to show up in your life. If those chance events hadn't taken place you'd have followed an entirely different course. I was trying to suggest that you be wary of pointing yourself on any lifelong trajectory which is being determined by these chance events and other people and instead give yourself time to determine an intentional path for yourself you'd like to follow before you make any commitments for the rest of your life. You don't have to know everything now just give yourself the space to figure it out.
While this is true, I don't think it's a bad thing, this new girl has given me a lot of motivation to better myself in a timely manner that I didn't have before.
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  #20  
Old 05-06-2013, 08:03 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Kk, i gave him the control speech instead of the NRE speech because of fiancee's remark about "not rushing into education at the expense of our relationship" (paraphrased). Any person with twice as much time to have experiences as another should never try to talk the other out of pursuing an education, particularly when the younger person is sure they want to do it and is not asking for help deciding whether or not to. I feel very strongly about this and no amount or type of poly dogma is going to convince me otherwise.

Not saying i am right about this woman; i have been and could be wrong. But what i believe about relationships and education and all that remains steadfast nevertheless.
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