Indie... Solo... Poly...

[idealist]

Truly- the weekend retreat is worth the two hour drive....just consider it. If our version of BE in the deep South was tolerable for me, I'm sure they are even better in more progressive parts of the country. The focus is working through the grief, not religion.

[nycindie]

Shorty
It's been almost a month since I've seen Shorty. I have sent him a few messages and left a voicemail, and only once got a short response. Some days I'm fine with it, other days it's maddening. Yesterday I wrote an email -- which I didn't dare send -- cursing him up and down. It sits in my drafts folder, never to be sent. This is how I found I can handle the distance he needs - I have several draft emails sitting there, addressed to him, where I go on and on about what our relationship means to me, what he means to me, how I feel, what I want, and then I very carefully hit "save," take a deep breath, and write him a lighthearted cheerful note, which does get sent.

It's not that we can't talk relationship issues. It's just that I don't want to always be bringing it up every time we're together, or in between, since we don't see each other that often. Besides, I own my process and what I go through between seeing him, and it isn't necessary to inflict that on him. If there was something important I needed to express to Shorty, I would, but he doesn't have to see all my insecurities flailing about. The last time we were together was absolutely great. We didn't talk about "us" at all. We had a real hot time together and afterward Shorty showed me a picture he'd just had taken of himself with his kids, whom he flies out-of-state to visit every other week. He said, "I want you to see my face in this picture. This is why I work so hard to see them. The only time in my life when I don't need sleeping pills is when I'm out there with my kids."

And it was a beautiful picture, all of them absolutely beaming and Shorty just looking happy-happy-happy. I was moved that he shared that picture with me, and told him he was an honorable man. My father split when I was a baby and never gave my mother a dime, never stayed in touch, so it means a lot to me to see a man take fatherhood so seriously, especially since his life is so very stressful even without all this flying back and forth to see them. He sure loves his kids and aches from missing them when he's back in NYC.

I think it was important for him to show me that, as his way of letting me know why he's not available as much as he wants to be, because his children are his priority and he doesn't want to be someone just on the periphery of their lives. He wants me to understand that it's not me that keeps us from spending time together. So, as frustrating as it can be to not hear from him for long stretches at a time, I get it. I just wish that when I contact him, he could take two minutes to write back a quick, "Busy now, will be in touch in a few weeks." And I've told him this, but...??? I mean, I know he gets together with his friends when he gets back in town, so why doesn't he think of me? I have also told him that I'm his "satellite girl" but I don't always like being on the outside of his life like that.

However, one of the things I wanted to write here awhile back is that I realized this relationship with Shorty, whatever it is, is like a trial by fire, where I am being challenged so much to stay real and level-headed and independent. Or like the process of tempering steel, you know? You heat the blade in the fire and its chemical composition transforms and the steel gets stronger. Because I can be so needy and dependent on men, I think (see father issues above - "daddy, why did you abandon me?!"). And as much as I have my moments of getting lost in the drama and pain of feeling insecure and unwanted by Shorty (Daddy? Hubby?), there have been some true moments of emotional maturity on my part, and of which I am pretty proud. So, his being distant, and our only being able to see each other occasionally, actually is helping me to grow as a person.

That being said, I do love him, and hope I will see him soon.


Dreamy
Ah, Dreamy... aptly nicknamed. He's a doll. I see him and I am almost instantly wet. Physically, he just turns me on SO MUCH! Ooof! I did not get to see him at all during the month of March. He'd been dating a lot, and I dated a little, but we stayed in touch sporadically. I wanted to give him space. Even though we have fun when we're together, I still don't think I'm his type.

Last week, I asked Dreamy if he wanted to go see a movement/performance art/live installation with me and he said he'd love to. Then he told me his sister had just passed away. They were estranged, but of course it still affected him. He wasn't sure if he could make it to the show with me, because he might have to travel, but he really wanted to go. I made the reservations just in case and it turns out he was flying out the next day, so we got together.

He showed up wearing orange pants and a fedora. I love his quirky wardrobe. He has a penchant for vintage shirts that he finds in thrift stores and they're all fantastic. We didn't get it on that night, but we spent a lot of time talking about sex. He loves talking about sex, and we seem to have developed an easy rapport where we can discuss our experiences. He was with a woman who wanted him to be dominant with her, and he was willing to try it out, but admits he doesn't really know what he's doing. So that rendezvous kind of shook him up a bit afterwards.

Dreamy and I had a few drinks that night and I was feeling overly sensitive because I'd been dealing with divorce BS that day, so when he told me he wasn't comfortable with getting together sexually with me that night, I got all weepy. Even though he told me he was feeling "out of sorts" because of the death in his family, I was focused on feeling rejected. But he was so cool about it. Here he was, about to see family because his sister had died, and he was comforting me because I wanted to know if he was finished with me. I blame the vodka, of course, but I'm a fucking idiot sometimes. We both made fun promises for next time: I will let him tie me up and he will let me...

Back in February, I sent Dreamy an email saying that I thought we could be comfort and solace to each other. He had agreed, and I'm beginning to see that maybe we were right.


New Guy
Yeah, a new guy. No nickname for him yet, as I'm not sure about this. I have gone out with him twice. The first night, I was a bit of an emotional mess due to stuff that had happened during the day. Our night turned into something somewhat more melodramatic than I'd wanted because of that. I won't go into it, but I will say I was disappointed with myself and ready to give him the bum's rush afterward. I really thought it would be a mistake to continue. Nonetheless, he really likes me and has been emailing and calling me almost every day. [sigh] And isn't that exactly what I don't get from Shorty?

So New Guy came over tonight and we had some wine and talked, but our conversation was somewhat stilted and uncomfortable. I like listening to him talk about what he does for a living, he's so passionate about it. But when I talk, I feel like he doesn't get me. Anyway, we made out for awhile, and then we got it on (gosh, is that like the second or third time I used that phrase? I can be such an old hippie sometimes). I told him I wanted tenderness, and he was pretty affectionate with me. However, while I did have a great orgasm, we didn't have an awful lot of anything else going on sexually. I rode him and he came pretty quickly. We curled up and had some nice moments wrapped in each other's arms, but... I mean, I said I wanted tenderness but that doesn't mean no playfulness at all!

Shorty has ruined me. He is such a skillful, attentive, generous lover that anyone else has to be pretty fucking awesome for me not to be disappointed. Dreamy is also an amazing lover.

I am confused about New Guy. I find him attractive, and like him in some ways but not sure in others. He knows I have two other occasional lovers and am actively dating. And he has already told me that he wished I would be monogamous with him (he said this after the first date!), but that he understands so soon after my marriage that I wouldn't want to jump into anything exclusive yet. I told him tonight not to expect that to change anytime soon. He was like, "I know, I know," like he didn't really want to hear it. But I had to stress to him, "I don't want you to think that maybe two or three or six months down the road that I'm going to want monogamy." He seems cool about it for now, but let's face it: at the moment we were talking about it, he had a boner and was chomping at the bit, so to speak, for me to let him into my bedroom and get jiggy with him. So, we'll see. There is something about him that makes me want to see if a relationship can develop out of it. And, in the spirit of polyamory, there may be something completely different that I could find beneficial/healing/valuable in a relationship with New Guy. They don't all have to give me mind-blowing sex, do they?


My Satellite Guys
There are a few other men orbiting around me, most of whom I have not met in person yet. I do have good rapport with them via email/phone/text, but the proof will be in the pudding. One of them calls me for phone sex occasionally and likes me to tell him about my sexcapades with other guys. Half the time, I make it all up. I want to meet him, but am very nervous about it, since he gets off to the sound of my voice. Will the rest of me be a disappointment? That's the kind of thinking I get into, unfortunately. The other guys are flirtations, really, and I don't know if anything will develop with any of them -- one is in a polyamorous marriage, but that would be an LDR if anything develops. He lives in another state.

The one guy I did meet isn't really my type, but we might develop a friendship, I don't know.

So that's it for My Guy Update! Tune in next week...

[TruckerPete]

It's so good to hear from you!

[BlackUnicorn]

Originally Posted by nycindie

However, one of the things I wanted to write here awhile back is that I realized this relationship with Shorty, whatever it is, is like a trial by fire, where I am being challenged so much to stay real and level-headed and independent. Or like the process of tempering steel, you know? You heat the blade in the fire and its chemical composition transforms and the steel gets stronger. Because I can be so needy and dependent on men, I think (see father issues above - "daddy, why did you abandon me?!"). And as much as I have my moments of getting lost in the drama and pain of feeling insecure and unwanted by Shorty (Daddy? Hubby?), there have been some true moments of emotional maturity on my part, and of which I am pretty proud. So, his being distant, and our only being able to see each other occasionally, actually is helping me to grow as a person.

I absolutely loved this part. This is what I see as some of the best things about poly - it forces you to deal with yourself first. I can relate to the secret nagging fear of nobody really wanting me you wrote about earlier. But that just won't work with this particular relationship style. You can't demand somebody to be all things to you all the time and assuage your fears and insecurities indefinitely, since they have other partners to care for too. I think no matter how long Shorty continues to be in your life, this relationship has already given you so much valuable insight to mull over. So happy for you!

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Shorty So, as frustrating as it can be to not hear from him for long stretches at a time, I get it. I just wish that when I contact him, he could take two minutes to write back a quick, "Busy now, will be in touch in a few weeks." And I've told him this, but...???

Have you told him that his non-response triggers your insecurities and why?

Just recently infact, my husband and I had to have a conversation about my insecurities. For years I would take certain things as rejection, which was not his intent at all. If I make a jesture, touch, text, talk, etc. I need it acknowledged and accepted or my insecurities kick in and I take it as a rejection. He said "I didn't know, I'm sorry", I was like well duh you didn't know, I've never said anything before. I assured him that I wasn't looking for any thing grand, but just knowing that my jesture was welcome and not an irritant helps alleviate my fears.

Just out of curiosity, is he the type that will talk/communicate with his kids daily or does he wait until he is with them? If it is the later, it might help him to reach out to them more often.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by SNeacail

Have you told him that his non-response triggers your insecurities and why?

We have talked about this. He established early on in the relationship that he could only see me occasionally, and that he wanted to make sure I was comfortable with it being a "friendship with sex." He always feels bad about not being available because he thinks I "deserve better." When I told him I was seeing other people, he felt relieved. I have told him about wanting him to respond to my messages or be in touch more often. He struggles with guilt all the time, so I don't want to add to that, but he chooses to put his children first over everything else, and I respect that. However, sometimes it is very difficult to not feel like I'm being dissed or ignored when I don't hear from him in a long time. When we met, he pursued me rather actively and enthusiastically, but I believe his workload has increased since then, making for a crazy schedule.

Ultimately, he is not responsible for my insecurities and I don't need to burden him with them. If I ask him to adjust a certain way of behaving toward me, and he cannot or will not change, then it's up to me as to how I want to handle it, or what I will put up with. For now, what Shorty has given me and opened me up to is far more valuable and precious than I ever would have expected to get out of this situation, and so I treasure what little time we spend and learn how to deal with my responses to his actions. if I ever feel the scale has tipped in the other direction, and the minuses outweigh the pluses, I would say goodbye to that part of our relationship and just remain friends.

Originally Posted by SNeacail

Just out of curiosity, is he the type that will talk/communicate with his kids daily or does he wait until he is with them? If it is the later, it might help him to reach out to them more often.

I know he stays in touch with them during the time they are apart. I don't know the particulars. But my goodness, he makes a four-hour flight every other week to see them, and he bought a house near them so that when he goes there, they stay with him at his house. He's been doing this faithfully for five years now. So he makes a huge effort to be a part of their lives. He feels that he is a substantial presence in their lives and that they know he isn't an absentee dad who just shows up every once in a while to check in. He thinks they are very well-adjusted and happy kids. But every time he comes back to NY he feels the pain of having just left them. I want him to know that I can be a healing source of comfort when he is here.

[nycindie]

So, no one commented on Dreamy's orange pants & fedora? You really had to see that outfit on a 6'2" bearded man to believe it.

[ray]

That outfit does sound like a sight to behold! I, myself, love brightly colored pants. Especially me wearing them. I love all the nick names you have. I did that for awhile with guys I had crushes on. It was correlated to how I met them. So Meterology boy, kayak boy, etc.

I know how it can be hard with some one not always being available. It's so difficult to control that impulse to feel rejected even if my head knows that wasn't the intention. I'm trying to reprogram myself.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by TruckerPete

It's so good to hear from you!

Shucks, thanks!

[nycindie]

Today is a day when not hearing from Shorty is really bothering me. Last week, I called and left him a voicemail, then sent him a message that this is my birthday month and I'd like to get together, if possible. Earlier this week, I named some nights that would work for me - Wed., Thu., Fri. - and asked for him to let me know if he could see me.

I haven't heard from him. AT ALL. Is it really that much of an effort to write back and say, "Can't see you for a while?" I preface everything I ask him for with "no pressure..." and yet I still think he feels under the gun when I ask him. This is so perplexing because he's always saying he tries not to be "reckless" with someone's feelings. I wonder if he might be trying to push me away.

I am torn between two courses of action:

1.) Give him 'til tomorrow (Fri.) to see if he writes back. Usually he doesn't know if he's got time to see me until the same day. So, it's quite possible he'll contact me and say, "I have time tonight." But if I don't hear from him at all, I think I will just stop reaching out to him and leave the ball in his court. Maybe he wants to be the one in pursuit, I don't know.

2. ) Send a message asking for an explanation. Something to the effect of, "Hey, just because I said I was fine with a casual, occasional relationship doesn't mean I'm fine with being ignored. What's going on? Are you done with me? Mad at me? Please show me enough respect to let me know."

Well, maybe a shorter, less pissy version of that. Like: "Are you okay? Have you been getting my emails? Thinking of you and hope everything's alright."

Or maybe something even simpler. A text to his phone: "Are you mad at me?" or "Have I offended you somehow?"

But if I do that, I would do it tonight, because that would give him time to see if we can get together tomorrow.

Oh, lordy, it wouldn't be so bad to wait around to hear from him if I hadn't started to love him... and if he wasn't such a damn good lover. And that when my life is going shitty, it's great to "escape" to a passionate night with him. I just don't know where the disconnect between us started for him. Scheisse!

Opinions/advice welcome on this one...