Indie... Solo... Poly...

[BlackUnicorn]

Originally Posted by nycindie

He just hasn't answered an important question I asked him.

Now you have me brimming with curiosity.

[nycindie]

Really, it's not that earth-shattering. I was just venting and don't feel like going into more detail. I'll post again when there's something more substantial to share.

[serialmonogamist]

First, this blog has been captivating - reminds me of why I prefer internet to TV. Reflection and introspection add so much to the story.

Originally Posted by nycindie

she said it sounded like HE was the one who "couldn't do casual," as his friend had once said to me (he said, "I told Shorty women just can't do casual." Grrr.)

This reminds me of something I thought about when you said something about men feeling the need to protect women's feelings. What I was thinking is that men learn to protect themselves by protecting others, I think. So when they are protecting women, they are really projecting their own vulnerabilities onto others so they can deny them. This might be too generalizing, but hopefully you can see what I mean and how it might apply in at least some situations.

Now, this relates further to the whole love thing with Shorty because while I was reading about him avoiding responding to you because you were feeling too much love, it occurred to me that he was uncomfortable with hurting your feelings because he indeed felt love for you. In fact, it seems that the reason he is so focussed on being kind, etc. in relationships is because he feels a lot of love for people. So the fact that he is avoiding hurting his partner(s) sounds like he's projecting because he's really trying to protect himself from the vulnerability that comes with admitting and owning love.

So, in a way, it seems like your thing with him became problematic precisely because he was identifying with your loving heart when you were expressing love to him and he was not so much rejecting your love as fearing his own capacity to hurt you, which he cared about because he DID love you. He was just afraid to admit it, I think, because he was afraid of the potential for you both to get hurt if it would become an explicitly loving relationship and then he would end up hurting you. So the deal-breaker wasn't really love, imo, (because he was already loving you covertly) - it was his inability to deal with his need to take responsibility for that love and his relationship with you. So, I think he did the childish avoidance thing because he didn't see any way of communicating with you that wouldn't nurture the snowballing love situation that he feared taking responsibility for.

Of course I could be completely off and it may not even be helpful to you if I'm not, but I just wanted to post my thoughts - if for no other reason than to let you know that your blogging was evocative and thought-provoking.

[nycindie]

Tonight Burnsy sent me a picture of the fireworks he was watching. He's in his city, over two hours away, out with wife and friends in a huge crowd, and he thought of me and sent it right after taking it. I felt included. I think that's all I needed.

I melted.

I sent him back a message to thank him and let him know that it felt really good to be included. Funny how some small, seemingly inconsequential gesture can erase the frustration and unease I'd been feeling, and let me know how sweet and thoughtful he can be. Poof! Irritation gone.

Sheesh, we're just starting out. I need more patience.

[nycindie]

Obviously, no one should base important decisions on the theorizing of self-help books or silly tests on the internet. However, looking at the results some online tests I've taken, I wonder how well I am cut out for a long-distance relationship.

The results from the tests that tell me what my dominant "love languages" are, have been pretty interesting to me. My two top love languages are physical touch and quality time. Obviously an LDR does not bode well for having these preferences met. As far as Burnsy, specifically, our time together is limited by the constraints of living a few hours apart in different cities, and I learned from our two days together that he is not a very physically demonstrative person. Huge challenges to the normal route I would want to take to feel appreciated and liked/loved. The next highest-scoring love language for me is words of affirmation. So, no wonder I was looking for an answer/conversation/declaration from him and feeling almost dissed without it.

Well, acts of service and gifts are equally low on the scale for me. However, it is interesting that, with my top three not being satisfied, receiving that picture from him seemed to assuage so much of my angst about it. It's almost like my brain naturally went in the next available groove and his very innocent and small gesture, which truly was an act of service, did so much to make me feel included (and liked/acknowledged), and suddenly my heart swelled with feeling. After he did that, I almost instantly appreciated Burnsy's effort, felt connected with him again, and looked at this adventure we're on in a more positive light.

Interesting! The challenge seems to be how to find balance and satisfaction when my preferred ways of feeling affection and cared for are not possible.

Taken a few months ago:
Percent / Language / Score
37% / Physical Touch / 11
30% / Quality Time / 9
20% / Words of Affirmation / 6
07% / Receiving Gifts / 2
07% / Acts of Service / 2

PS - I took the test somewhere else today and got almost identical results.

[SNeacail]

This test helped my relationship, because it gave me a better understanding of what I need and was therefore able to vocalize that. Being able to tell him that I feel loved when he does "Acts of Service" and/or spends "Quality Time" with me, worked so much better than my complaining that I had too much housework to do and/or that he was never home.

I was also able to discuss with my husband what his "Love Languages" were. His is "Touch" and now that I realize that, I willingly make the effort because it makes him feel good, because I know this is how he feels loved, it make giving touch much more enjoyable.

[ray]

My top two love languages are quality time and physical touch, so I feel ya on the LDRs. Sometimes I think people are like plants. Some people are like mint plants and don't need a lot of attention to thrive and feel well-cared for. Some people are like hibiscus and need a lot more work. I'm definitely the later. I need reassurance, patience and consistency. I've decided that I can't be in relationship with someone who can't provide for this regularly. On the flip side, I also enjoy being there for other people, so it's not like I expect someone to just pour in to me with out reciprocation. But the love languages helps a lot. It's so simple but yet very true for most people. It's so amazing to me how much of a difference it can make.

[Magdlyn]

I just looked at that test online and I just couldn't take it. So many times, I couldn't choose between touch and words, acts of service (help with cleaning or cooking, home maintenance or computer maintenance), or time spent on nice dates to fun places. Gifts come last, but then again, I adore a thoughtful gift, even if it's inexpensive.

[ray]

Maybe that just means you're well-balanced

[nycindie]

Okay, so basically, the question I've been wanting an answer to was posed to Burnsy when he visited me. I simply asked him if he thought he felt ready for a long-distance girlfriend thing. That day, he told me he was letting the experience sink in. About two days after he went home, I texted him to ask how he was doing. I told him I was still "processing" it all but was feeling good. He responded by telling me that I was "wonderful" and that he liked me.

However, that still didn't really answer my question. Although he sees me as wonderful, it could be just as a wonderful friend. I admit, my recent experiences with guys who start out wanting a romantic/sexual relationship, only to put me in the "Friend Zone" rather quickly, do have me a bit skittish. However, how would I know whether or not he wants to move forward in this adventure unless he explicitly tells me? I've been waiting for his "verdict" for two weeks. Am I expecting too much to want some sort of declaration? Or is this simply -- once again -- an example of the dramatic difference in how men and women think and communicate? Maybe he thought the topic had been discussed enough and was now resolved? Could he not have known that the question was still dangling out there, in the forefront of my mind? It's not like he's around the corner and I can pop over to his place and see him face-to-face to ascertain his feelings.

Mind you, I am not wanting to demand a heavy commitment from him. Nor am I without my doubts and hesitation. This thing might not work out, and we might not be a match. There are some compatibility differences between us, mostly in the area of physical touch and expression of affection. He is also not used to having another relationship besides the one with his wife, who is a lovely person yet much different from me in many ways, I believe. All I want to know is whether or not he is willing to give us a shot. Because I like him a lot and I am willing, despite having some reservations or insecurities about it.

I would not be wondering about his feelings as much if the language and tone of his messages after his visit hadn't differed so much from before his visit. Previously, he was frequently telling me things like how he'd fantasized about me that day, that he couldn't wait to see me, and how positively he felt about our "budding relationship." After his visit, the messages were more casual and friendly, with no sexual overtones nor even the use of pet names. I started to realize that most of our text conversations were initiated by me, and that was frustrating also. I keep thinking of a conversation we had in person, in which I said I wanted a relationship, not just a friend with benefits. He reacted by very cautiously asking what I meant by the word "relationship." We had a good discussion about it, no red flags, but I still remember his hesitancy. In addition, it's been all text messages and a few emails for the past two weeks, and I would rather we speak on the phone at least once a week, roughly. This means I'm left to try and interpret the tone of fairly short text messages. And I'm not really big on texting -- I think it's a pain. Finally, of course, my mind will go first to the worst-case scenario ("it's over between us, isn't it?!") whenever I don't have a definitive answer. Gah!

I do keep in mind that this is Burnsy's first foray into poly as a married man, who has been with his wife for at least a decade (if I recall correctly). I do honor that fact. Nevertheless, I have needs, too, and I feel I have been patient and made an effort to be very understanding.

So, on the 4th, we had texted each other a bit, and I asked him when we could have a phone convo. I'd already told him I wanted one a few days before. He said he would be very busy with work on Tuesday and today, with commitments in the evening, as his wife is on vacation this week. But he thought "maybe Thursday" would be good for a talk on the phone. I was irritated at that point, but when he sent me a pic of the fireworks in the midst of the festivities that evening, I felt so much better to have been included; it was a small but sweet gesture that let me know he was thinking of me. We did not communicate at all yesterday, and I tried not to think about it today. I have plans for the next three nights with other men, so it's not like I'm obsessed and totally preoccupied with Burnsy. But when I logged into OKC today and saw that he was logged in as well, I became irritated with him again. Busy working, huh?

I sent him a text asking what he was working on today. Soon after that, he was logged out of OKC and we had a nice little exchange. He told me he had some work to do for the next couple of days (he freelances) and then he and his wife were going away for a few days. I responded that I really would like to talk, and he answered that his privacy would be limited over the next couple of days. So... what the hell. I figured, I just can't wait in limbo anymore, and sent him two messages explaining what I wanted to talk about. I basically told him that it's been two weeks, that the tone of his communications has seemed rather platonic, and I wanted to know if we were still moving forward. Then I texted, "That's why I wanted to talk." He wrote back that this was definitely a reason to speak on the phone and that he would see how he could make time for that. I sent another message saying that I wasn't trying to be a pain in the ass, and he replied, "I know, babe, and you aren't."

His calling me "babe" is a good sign. I believe that's the first time he's called me that since he went home. But it's not enough. Now it's up to him to let me know when he can call, and hopefully I will find out soon what his feelings are.

This can all just be a case of Burnsy simply being used to the dynamic of how his wife and he communicate, and not being aware of how I take in and process information. I am beginning to see how important it is not to let oneself fall into a familiar groove when involved with multiple people. One has to be aware and make adjustments in how to relate, connect, and communicate, according to the different styles/needs/processes of the people involved. A learning experience all around. I think I gave him plenty of space, but I reached a point where I simply had to speak up about what I need. Fortunately, I know that he will be honest with me. He is such a good person -- of that I have absolutely no doubts!

To be continued...