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  #11  
Old 07-28-2009, 05:08 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post

All of us have to admit that polyamory fills a void, completes ones ability to love or expands it. It's not all about "I have so much love to give" it's more about "I need more Love".

To a truly mono person, this hurts on a primal level. It can either be overcome by the degree of love in the relationship or it will be too much and they must go their separate ways to remain healthy.

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I thought I should expand on two points briefly.

When I say "more love" I fully believe this can be of a heart nature or sexual nature..it varies depending on individual needs.

When I say "truly" mono I mean a person who is wired monogamously and not conditioned to behave monogamously. There is a very distinct difference.
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  #12  
Old 07-28-2009, 05:18 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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My guess is that he either met someone who says she wanted monogamy and he had to break up with you. Or he felt threatened by other lovers (or potential lovers) in your life.
Or it could just be that he's monogamous and not interested in a poly relationship after trying it. (That discovery could have been precipitated by meeting someone...goodness knows that's how I discovered poly) People might switch from one relationship style to another simply because that's what they want, not because of some flaw or threat or outside influence that they are powerless against or inherent dishonesty with themselves or anyone else. It could simply be that they tried and and after trying it decided that it wasn't what suited them.

Monogamy isn't inferior to polyamory. So if a person does move from one to the other, I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Of course, that doesn't take away the pain of a breakup. Breakups are one of those universal crappy things that all relationship styles are subject to. Boo to that. But just as people assume that poly people don't feel the pain so deeply because they have other loves, I wouldn't be quick to assume that the pain is diminished by a new love in a monogamous setting either.
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  #13  
Old 07-28-2009, 05:24 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Great words of insight Ceoli. I like your ability to look at things from both possible sides and the respect you give to each aproach.

This is one of those rare times I don't feel completely alone in some ways on here.
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Old 07-29-2009, 03:54 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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I'm really glad to hear that, Mono!
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  #15  
Old 07-30-2009, 08:02 AM
Degenerate Degenerate is offline
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Originally Posted by tigrrrlily View Post
guy breaks up with me saying he's met someone else and he feels he's monogamous, as if this is self-explanatory. wasn't he supposed to not start with someone else if he was so monogamous? why do some monogamists, especially the serial kind, seem to think that breaking up won't be painful for us? how should i feel about having been used as the lubrication to move the guy from one relationship to another? what can i say to him to drive the message home? should i bother?
Hi tigrrrlily

So sorry to hear of your loss.

I have lost a few partners to monogamy over the years. I do think it is a common (but utterly wrong) misconception of others, that poly people are carefree about moving from one relationship to another (and I also find it really annoying!). This seems so nonsensical to me, because the very fact that we id as polyAMOROUS should underline the point that we get attached and we know it.

I lost a partner of 2 years to monogamy at the end of last year .. he had learned poly and enjoyed it, but was feeling he couldn't manage any more because he found it hard to form a relationship with anyone else willing to have a meaningful relationship because of his relationship with me (and didn'tlike being used as an ouitlet for people wanting casual relationships). That sucked. His way of explanation was that for him polyamoury is a choice, not a necessity... and he's trotted off in the hope of finding a nice woman to settle down and start a family with. that hurt, but I can understnd his fear - at least in that sort of situation it is easier to let someone go with love to pursue their best life.

I have put a few people straight over the years that no, poly people are not there to provide them with casual sex because we can handle it. Sheesh, it's a little offensive really!!

De+
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