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Old 01-13-2015, 11:22 PM
Nordic Nordic is offline
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Default Coming in from the cold

Hey all, new to the site, new to polyamory and looking for some friendly faces, shared stories, conversations, experiences, perhaps someone to vent with on occasion...anything that can provide insight into the poly world that I find myself entering into.

A quick bit about my sit.

I am a gay male, 42, two years separated from my ex-husband of 12 years (monogamous, for the most part) who has reconnected with an old friend/flame...C...who was the person who introduced me to the concept of polyamory, 20 years ago in the first place. He has a partner of five years - R - who I have met and is welcoming me into their relationship gladly, which I feel so happy about, because R is just as exciting and loving as C.

I have heard the term "trinogamy" to explain our situation, where all three are involved in a physical and emotional relationship, but it is polyamory nonetheless.

We have not explored the physical aspects yet, and are focusing on developing a deeper connection between R and yours truly, because C and I have a history that predates his and his partner's, and we want to establish a deeper physical and emotional relationship first before C becomes more directly emotionally involved.

The goal, however, it to be in a stable, committed, physically stimulating and intellectually gratifying relationship.

Any Do's and don'ts advice for someone coming into an existing and stable relationship? I am excited, nervous, and floored by the possibilities...I guess I am feeling slightly overwhelmed by it, but at the same time...I want it so much!

Edit: Sorry, I am new...I should have posted this in a different thread. Whoops.

Last edited by Nordic; 01-14-2015 at 12:34 AM. Reason: Wrong place to post thread.
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Old 01-14-2015, 02:12 AM
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Heh, no worries, the mods can move your thread ... I suppose to the Relationships Corner? We'll let them decide.

I am willing to offer thoughts and advice, and I'm sure others will be too. Are there any specific problems you need help with so far or is it just butterflies for now? It's essentially you and C and R right now, is that right? a triad if all three of you are romantic partners to each other, otherwise perhaps a V.

There'll be a lot of NRE in the beginning. As time goes on, you'll need to define your agreements and boundaries with each other based on your wants and needs. This usually means a good deal of productive communication, so learn as much as you can about communication skills.

Hope you'll be with us for quite awhile.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 01-14-2015, 03:20 AM
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Yes, I realize I am the throws of this new term NRE. (Learning something new every day).

Our communication has been the only thing really between the three of us at this point. Yes, we've gone on social outings, had dinner together, but we are moving into the other aspects of the relationship, likely sooner than later.

Just this evening R expressed interest in spending our first overnight together...he and I this weekend. While C will be present, he will not be involved other than as support for us both. It feels like it moving at the right pace, but it's hard to tell. It's only been a couple of weeks, at this point. Funny, in most monagomous relationship beginnings, two weeks isn't an unreasonable amount of time before physically expressing the relationship.

On a side note, my ex was also a member of the Mormon faith, born and raised in Salt Lake City. I would be fascinated to hear your experiences within the faith as it has related to your polyamory, having more than a casual passing knowledge of the LDS.
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Old 01-14-2015, 03:39 AM
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I should know a little something about the Mormon church, considering I was born into a very zealous Mormon family, grew up in a little farmtown between Provo and Salt Lake City, and stuck to the church for about 35 years.

The church and polyamory didn't have much of an intersection to speak of, though I will say it was while considering the Mormon church's 19th-century practice of polygyny that it occurred to me the main problem there was that polyandry wasn't also allowed. Once that thought took hold in my mind, I was prepared to accept polyamory many years later when I finally heard about it.

I can answer other questions about the church, just let me know what you're wondering.

Re: you, C, and R ... haven't been together long, and any problems you encounter will probably crop up later on down the road. You need to experience more things together before you'll find out where the hidden problems lie. I think it's just butterflies for now.

Keep us posted on how things are going; we'll try to help smooth out any bumps in the road.
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Old 01-14-2015, 05:07 AM
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My ex has written books about the church and it's poly-past, literally.
Usually within the context of queer theoretical studies or defining sexualities within the context of religious faith - academic word smithing, more or less.

One fascinating piece he wrote was about the Oneida group from the mid-eighteen hundreds in upstate New York (sounds familiar, doesn't it...the same general area where Smith found the plates). They were a free love society that existed in the town of the same name. They were infamous at the time. They believed it was not only good, but divine providence to have sexual relationships with others of the community, married or not. The kicker was procreation. People weren't allowed to have children unless they were considered "spiritually superior" and more likely to produce a spiritually clean child. Truly fascinating stuff for the 1800s.

They group was later disbanded, and it's final remnants remained to create the famous silverware company.

It is strange to me that someone (my ex, also ex-Mormon) who can write so compassionately about alternative subjects such as free love societies and diverse identities can't flip that switch in his head to apply even SOME of his championed ideologies to his own life. I often wondered if the reason he had such a hard time practicing what he preaches was due to the church's early influence and the fact they taught him to hate himself for being gay.

Last edited by Nordic; 01-14-2015 at 05:10 AM.
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Old 01-14-2015, 05:54 PM
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Yes, the church does a good job of getting people to hate themselves for being gay. Ironically, that has not stopped Utah from being the center of much gay goings-on, such as men leaving their wives for other men.

Was upstate New York a hotbed for new and often poly ideas? Who knows.
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Old 01-22-2015, 04:10 AM
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Default NY and Oneida

Well, despite its increasing weirdness over its years, the Oneida Community promoted poly love.
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Old 01-22-2015, 05:03 AM
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Wikipedia says (among other things):
Quote:
"The Oneida Community believed strongly in a system of free love known as complex marriage, where any member was free to have sex with any other who consented. Possessiveness and exclusive relationships were frowned upon. Unlike 20th century social movements such as the Sexual Revolution of the 1960s, the Onedians did not seek consequence-free sex for mere pleasure, but believed that, because the natural outcome of intercourse was pregnancy, raising children should be a communal responsibility."
FWIW, the Oneida Community is described as a "religious commune." It was never very big: 87-306 members.
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Old 01-22-2015, 05:09 AM
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Yes, that sums up the Oneida concept nicely. As time went on, it got kinda weird because its "prophet" began to regulate who could sleep with whom, and when, and where everyone should bunk, and so on.
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Old 01-22-2015, 05:21 AM
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Hummm, I wonder why their prophet changed. Is it the old saying, "Power corrupts?"
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