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  #41  
Old 09-23-2013, 02:27 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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It turns out my last post was premature. Daley had actually fallen asleep and she was on the phone with Wineguy. I felt like a jerk. I need to trust more and keep my emotions in check better. It's one thing to be mentally ok with her decisions, but it's another to be emotionally ok. I've got to get better or I'm going to have to bail completely.

Susan and I skyped Friday night for awhile. She was really down though. Hard day with Wineguy. He's lost 40 pounds in the last two months due to the cancer. It's really awful. We talked about me coming to visit in November, so it was all good. We scheduled another date for Sunday night, though she said she'd be a "little" later than normal.

Then I got a wonderful message, on Saturday. Susan asked me to call and she invited me to a theater while I visit. I was so happy. It's the first time we'll do anything like that in real life. We went for drinks and a snack last time, but this is an event. Something to dress up for and be able to talk about after. I could tell she was a little nervous about asking, but I couldn't have been more pleased. It also meant she was reconfirming our meeting and picking a weekend (I had narrowed it down to two).

Hopped online later that evening, and Susan immediately invited me. I declined because I already had plans scheduled with [insert nickname here]. Susan has yet to comment, but she's gone really quiet since then. I don't know if it's related, but I have to assume it is. But that's what she wanted as far as I can tell. Maybe I was supposed to ignore her invite, but that goes against my nature. I didn't say I had a date, or I was with [insert nickname here], I just said I had plans. As I was logging off a few hours later, I sent her a note asking if she wanted to chat before bed, but she ignored it. Couple hours later after a text thanking her for the theater invite again, telling her good night, and I couldn't wait to see her Sunday night, she gave me a "sweet dreams, dave."

On Sunday, I got a couple very brief messages, with one odd exchange. She sent an "I love you" to which I responded, "I love you. I need you." She said she wanted to say, "I need you" but she thought I'd worry. She stayed out later than expected (which I'm happy about. She was with a friend, and she really needed that social interaction,) and finally hopped online around 12:15. We had been texting a little, so I didn't invite her. We came to an understanding a while back that she likes to settle in, respond to messages, etc, before getting into a chat, so I let her be. By 12:45 though, I had to send her a note that it was late and I needed to get to bed. She immediately invited me, but it was kind of awkward, and she was distracted. She did a generic apology, but I'm not sure what for. Told her I was excited she had a great night. I didn't want to get into any arguments, so left it alone. I really don't understand why she couldn't have let me know at 12:15 she wasn't up for hanging out. And even then, she would have known long before that. But that's her decision I guess. I asked if we could hang out on Thursday which she accepted.

I'm seeing Sassanach tonight, [insert nickname here] tomorrow, and Stakes on Wednesday.

I'm really kind of numb though. There's a big hole in my life where Susan was. There's some left, but it feels so empty.
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Me: 39 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 16 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 2.5 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
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  #42  
Old 09-26-2013, 03:02 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Susan and I had a great talk Monday. Her issues Sunday were because of a miscommunication. I talked to wifey and Stakes about it and they were incredulous that Susan could have believed what she thought she heard, so I don't have any guilt in it.

Anyway, it all worked out, and we are back to normal except for two things. One, we are seeing each other less. Neither of us is exactly sure how much less, but less. Two, I think we are going to tone down the bf/gf thing in public areas. It will be more in places where our relationship is known, but less in places where it's not. I'm not particularly happy with either, but I can live with them. The former is obvious, the latter is just I don't want to pretend I'm not madly in love with her.

Sassanach and I had an ok time. We were both tired. I don't think she's as interested in me as I am in her. Stakes and I talk a lot, but we're just friends. I had been making plans every night Susan and I didn't have a date, but it seems like too much work

Kay is getting killed by school. She's been working and studying from the time I get home until late into the evening. When she's done, she just wants to crawl in a book or computer game. Our time is stolen here and there. Lunches, housework, a walk. We've only had one intimate moment since we got back from the trip.
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Wife: Kay - mono female - married 16 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 2.5 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
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  #43  
Old 10-18-2013, 08:21 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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This seems odd. A whole month without any issues. In fact everything is going quite well.

Susan is still under lots of stress, but has been making some changes in her life to deal with them. She's taking more time for herself. I think it's working well for her. Overall, she seems happier. Only a month away from going to see her. I can't wait.

Kay read the Gray-A thread on here and totally identified with it. It was nice to know that other people feel the same way she does. Means I need to be more active about asking, and that I shouldn't be upset that she doesn't.

Sassanach and I had a long talk this week. She's always been worried that I'm going to run off to Susan and doesn't want to get abandoned like that. To be fair, it could happen. I like Sass a lot. I would love to pursue it and see where it goes. But she has both a husband and a boyfriend. We both have two kids. Have I mentioned she's the female alternate universe version of me? So, we are going to see where it goes. I'm not sure she's going to open up to me, but it's definitely worth exploring.

Stakes and I had a long conversation as well. We are on the same page. She likes to call it an 'incestuous' relationship. Siblings with benefits. Closer than friends. Truth be told, I'm not sure how interested either of us are in benefits. We flirt a lot, but there's so many other relationships involved, while not wanting to damage ours, that it's become a greater risk.
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Me: 39 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 16 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 2.5 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
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  #44  
Old 11-06-2013, 04:59 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Little over a week before I fly out to see Susan. I am so looking forward to this. We've had a couple of downs in the last couple weeks one directly due to her not wanting Daley to find out about us, the other her not trusting me to understand. Both times it felt like I was being abandoned. I logically understood, but it hurt at the time. My emotional memory is very short though, and it never takes me long to get over. You can see that in some of my posts here.

The root of the problem, in both our cases, is we feel unworthy of the other. Susan is a highly intelligent, successful, beautiful, passionate, sexy, and very independent woman. I admire women like that, I don't get to date women like that. I am a loving, forgiving, trusting, intimate, non-judgemental man. She doesn't get to date men like that. We both fear that the fairy tale will end because the other will find someone more appropriate.

I've gotten better at accepting, but there's still times when I don't get it. There's obviously something that she needs that Daley is providing that I can't do. She wouldn't put up with all the other nonsense if that wasn't the case. She's actually not even sure as we've talked about it.

Regardless, I can tell how excited she is about my visit. Normally planning of any kind really makes her nervous. However, this time, she's been really into it without a hint of trepidation. About a year ago, I said our perfect relationship would be what we have and seeing each other in person a couple times a year. I wouldn't mind it a few more times a year, but we're in a really good place for us.

Sassenach and I have gotten more intimate, though she was offline for a week with little contact. I told her I nicknamed her that and she swooned.

Kay is great. She's really working hard with school and is doing fantastic. That leaves little time for me, but I haven't felt neglected. I'm making sure she's ok with my trip to see Susan, but I think I'm aggravating her more by asking about it. I do need her to help me practice with ropes though .
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Me: 39 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 16 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 2.5 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
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  #45  
Old 11-21-2013, 06:51 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Just got back from seeing Susan, and I couldn't have asked for it to have gone any better. We had a lot of fun, there was very little stress, and I'm so excited for our future. It was wonderful doing couple things. We saw a play, walked and shopped on the boardwalk, relaxed, had dinner both at restaurants and take out. The sex just kept getting better as we learned more about each other. I think the highlight was we had a therapy session together. She goes weekly and invited me along. Knowing she trusts me that much makes me tingle all over.

At the same time, I missed Kay dearly and was very ready to get home. She admitted to times when she was pouting (we try to have lunch Tue/Thu between her classes, and she was really missing me on Tue), but otherwise said (and appeared ) she was fine. I had texting contact with her most of the time.

What a great journey this has been. I couldn't be happier and I hope both of them understand their happiness is just as if not more important to me.

Coming out of that I've realized that for now at least, I don't need or want to add anything. Stakes is a very intimate friend, and I'm unlikely to be able to have a real relationship with Sassenach, as I don't have the motivation to nurture that relationship, and it's pretty clear she's not going to. The was a local lady that I thought might be a casual thing, but that's not going to be very smart so I'm letting it go.

I'm sure I will be around, but I want to thank everyone for all the stories, comments, ideas, and information. It's been so helpful getting to this point. I feel fantastic.
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Me: 39 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 16 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 2.5 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
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  #46  
Old 11-21-2013, 07:09 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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oh oh! One other really cool thing. Right before I left I got to talk to my brother and his wife. For a long time I thought they were avoiding any mention or conversation of Susan because they disapproved. Turns out that isn't the case at all. They just weren't sure what I wanted and didn't know how to deal with it. I explained I was sorta looking for their approval and to share an important part of my life. They were fine with it and kinda laughed off that they, of all people, could disapprove. Pretty much agreed that if it wasn't being done dishonestly, then good for me.

That made me feel tons better. I was really aggravated when I thought they disapproved.
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Me: 39 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 16 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 2.5 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
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  #47  
Old 12-03-2013, 04:53 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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I am feeling a ton of insecurity and none of it is logical in the least.

Susan has been spending more time with Daley, but she is very quick to say she likes him, not loves him. She still won't tell him how close she and I are though. I really don't think that's it though as I don't harbor any ill will towards him. Sometimes I feel like she's choosing him over me, but it's irrational. She spends much more time with me. We've met twice in person, and are planning two more trips in the first half of next year. Hell, she wants to pay for me to come out next time as it would be hard for her to leave Wineguy in town by himself. So why am I feeling so insecure? I hate this.

On the positive side, Kay is fantastic. We did family pictures this weekend. We love the photographer. She went from being a school administrator to doing photography full time in the last year. She charges a flat rate, takes a billion pictures, cleans them up in photoshop, and delivers a CD full of them and you can print/email them at will.

Oops, sidetracked a second. Back on task. These were casual, so I put on a black t-shirt and told Kay I wanted to wear that with my new black leather jacket over it. Her eyes flashed, and her breath caught. I had never seen her react like that to my appearance. It made me feel really good, even though she didn't actually comment on it.

I sent Susan a phone picture and she had a bit of envy, feeling a little "other-womany". I told her that if she were closer, we'd have loved having her in pictures with us, promising that Kay would feel the same way. I ran it by Kay later and she confirmed, "yes, but we'd have to do a LOT of coming out!" She's been so supportive (and is doing great in school I'm very proud of her.)
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Me: 39 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 16 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 2.5 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
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  #48  
Old 12-11-2013, 05:10 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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So I skipped a Susan "crisis" a few weeks back. Susan and I were in a chat room with friends, and Daley joined. He thinks her heard me call her darlin' (I did) and lover (neither Susan nor I think that happened) and he rage quit. This caused Susan to panic. She neglected to inform him of her lifestyle. I warned her this is a merry-go-round.

As expected it's back. He asked her to be exclusive and she declined, but of course is in panic mode again. I've sort of reached my line in the sand on this. I've compromised a lot about only being Susan's bf in public around certain people and only displaying things subtly (online profile and want not), but I don't think I can compromise further.

Aside: On our profiles we have matched our quotes for over a year. She picks a song lyric and I find one from the same song. She asked me to stop because Daley is irritated by it. So I changed mine to "As you wish..."

I'm not sure my feelings on the whole thing. I'm disappointed she is choosing Daley's feelings over mine, but logically it makes sense. I'm sad for Daley as if she doesn't choose to disclose her lifestyle, she's going to hurt him badly. Personally, I'm more at peace. I have my line now. If she asks for more concessions, we'll see a lot less of each other. On the other hand, she's made it clear she has no interest in exclusivity and I'm a primary reason.

Anyway, I'm tired of worrying about it.
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Me: 39 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 16 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 2.5 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
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  #49  
Old 12-12-2013, 05:15 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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So, Susan has not talked to me since late Tuesday. I did, thankfully, get one assurance that she is physically ok.

Yes, yes. I know that 36 hours is quite common for most of you, but it's not for us. Often there isn't much content. Just an emoticon text, or a brief message. But without some prior notification (like a plane trip, work, etc) we hardly ever go more than 3 hours without a note. Especially not when there's issues. I could count how many times it's been more than 12 hours on one hand in the last 30 months.

So she's in a bad place. I don't know if it's me. If it's her. If it's Daley. I'm at a complete loss.

It causes me anxiety when I don't know what to do. Do I let her know I'm thinking of her? Do I pretend like nothing's wrong and continue to send love notes? Do I acknowledge something's wrong and hope it works out? Do I offer to help? Do I let her go completely? How often?

She HATES to be needy. But she can be whether she wants to admit to it or not. When I have been out of the country, she says it's very hard. Of course that's when it's on my terms, not on hers. But she does rely on my support, especially in times like these. Still, things like that are always true, until they are not.

I hate this.
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Me: 39 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 16 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 2.5 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
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  #50  
Old 12-13-2013, 04:21 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Tuesday I sent her an email advising that she really needed to tell Daley about her lifestyle. I didn't tell her what to do. I didn't tell her to take my word for it (she should ask someone close, confidential, and non-judgemental). But that if she truly cares about Daley, it's going to come out sooner or later and it's going to hurt him to the core. That's what set her off. She thought I was trying to push and/or control her.

We talked a little yesterday afternoon, but she had a family crisis. We talked again late last night, and she says she still wants to be with me, but that if it's a choice between me and Daley she wants to be with him because "she doesn't get to see him that much." (Which is bullshit. He spends more quality time with her than I do.)

I guess this is the end for now. That won't meet my needs. If she changes her mind, I'll be here.

It's been 25 years since I was in love like this. I had forgotten how much it hurts.
__________________
Me: 39 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 16 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 2.5 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend

Last edited by Nox; 12-13-2013 at 04:32 PM.
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