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  #31  
Old 08-26-2013, 02:21 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

So, we get to introduce a new player and NRE to our happy group. I think I'm also going to change to a nickname situation, so T will be Susan, K will be Kay. Our new player will be Daley.

Daley and Susan started getting very friendly online about a year ago. Then there was trauma (Daley was in a fairly severe car accident). As they were getting back to normal, a 3rd party caused some grief between them. They were resolving that, and Daley's wife passed away. This has all happened in a year. Daley is also a jealous type and has always had issues with Susan's poly nature, and for whatever reason, Susan would rather protect his feelings/keep his interest than telling him to deal with it or go scratch.

Rewind to Friday.
Susan and I are in a public chat room, and for the first time I can remember publicly announces that she's running off private with me... just as Daley enters the room. Nice timing. Of course he throws a temper tantrum and rage quits. (Some exaggeration involved both because I'm bothered and for dramatic story purposes). Susan and I talk, and I suggest she should go talk to him, because she's just going to be a mess if she doesn't. So Friday, it's Daley 1, Dave 0.

I don't talk to her Saturday until very, very late when we exchange texts. It's very odd when we don't spend a few hours talking. What's going through my primitive lizard brain is that she's talking to him on yahoo, instead of being on our group chat. I have no way to be sure, and it's none of my business anyway.

Sunday. Our normal time together comes and goes. No sign of her. I give her a "good night" text, and get a reply. I explain if she's around I'd come talk, but otherwise it was time to sleep. I get a reply, "I just logged on and Daley invited me." Daley 2, Dave 0.

Susan swears that it's doesn't change anything, but it does. At least for now. She is at least self aware to know if the situations were reversed she'd be a mess. But that feeds into it. She's always going to be able, when picking whom to spend time with that Dave will understand, while Daley's going to act petulant.

I can only hope she gets tired of it and this is just NRE related.
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Me: 40 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 18 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 3 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
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  #32  
Old 08-27-2013, 05:00 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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hi. i just finished your blog from start to finish (new here as of earlier this month) and i'm rooting for you.

i am sorry you're having to keep a "score card" now with susan and her new relationship. don't get me wrong, it is just my opinion, but if you are feeling you need to keep score of the time she spends on-line with you and her new boyfriend then something just doesn't sit right with me. i didn't know love was a competition but your writing shows that it is for you. i have no experience myself with NRE but it sounds like that is what susan is experiencing with daley.

during this time that she's with her new guy (on-line) maybe spend some time with your wife, kids (but with the 1500 distance you must be up later) or just find a new chat room to make new on-line friends. keeping a score card is a way to keep track of your jealousy and at some point, i worry, you may confront her about daley has 10 and dave has 0. from how you've described susan, this won't bode too well for her and she might pull away from you. also you could just let her know that you're feeling jealous, you understand the nre with daley but for your need to have time with her, if she could give it to you first x times a week would be great.

good luck and i look forward to reading more of your blog.
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  #33  
Old 08-27-2013, 06:06 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Smiling. It's funny how perception is different. It's one of the reasons I enjoy writing. Someone will pick up on a nuance and I'll have to re-evaluate if that's what I really mean, or if it was unintentional meaning.

There isn't really a score card. It was just some literary license. It was just done to highlight the change. There is a thread in the relationship advice forum, which said it's not so much about how much time you spend with someone, but whether or not it gets reduced. Susan and I spend so much time together that it's a big shock to my system when it's interrupted by a new party.

By yesterday afternoon the whole thing seemed silly, but it's one of my insecurities. So I wrote it up because it makes me feel better. I think this is my first breakdown since December.

Re: spend time with your wife. Don't I wish, but that's a whole other issue. We are about to take a 10 day vacation though, so good times ahead there. Good observation on the kids. They are normally asleep before I see Susan.
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Wife: Kay - mono female - married 18 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 3 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
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  #34  
Old 09-16-2013, 07:12 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Back from vacation with some new drama.

The Daley stuff never materialized. He went back to ignoring her for whatever his reasons are. I never understood why she puts up with it, or he does what he does. But whatever. I'm through caring it about it one way or the other. I reached my breaking point with that post 3 weeks ago.

Vacation was fantastic. Had a great time with Kay. Enjoyed meeting the people I've conversed with on facebook/message boards. Scuba went fantastic. Kay without the kids had plenty of mental energy for both me and being social. She really opened up and had a good time. I enjoyed watching it.

During that 10 days, though, it was hard on Susan. I missed her too, and was able to talk to her a few times, but our normal 4 hours a day were reduced to a few minutes.

Got back, things were good until Friday and here's how the weekend went:
Friday: Saw her online for a couple hours. Sent two messages. Neither returned.
Saturday Early: sexted. (hot)
Saturday afternoon: online again, invited, she declined saying give her a few minutes, 45 minutes later I said I had to run errands, she apologied for time getting away from her.
Saturday later: briefly talked on phone.
Saturday night: saw her online, she was busy (could see she was in a room and with whom), i didn't invite, she didn't come find me. I went back to bed (wasn't feeling well since noon).
Just past midnight: she texts "are you awake" but didn't want anything at all.
4am: sends an "i'm sorry I'm not who you want me to be."

Which I'm flabbergasted. I said I went to bed because I wasn't feeling well, had nothing to do with her. I was a little hurt by being ignored, but no biggie, we can talk about it tomorrow as it's 4am and I'm not coherent.

I sent her an email in the morning which contained the following [paraphrased]:
I was a little hurt this weekend just from the lack of communication.
I would like to know if you think you're going to busy so I can make other plans. We tend to default to seeing each other. I don't begrudge you, when we don't. If I'm missing you more than normal, I'll make a date with you.

She was "crushed." She said I wanted to control her. That I wanted her to report. I had a trusted, honest friend read the original, and didn't get any of that.

She's under a ton of stress. Wineguy's cancer is going to kill him, it's just a matter of when and how soon. We are 95% likely talking months, not years. In the mean time she's having to take care of him, which is really hard for her to do in general, let alone sickness related. Work isn't much better. She's putting in tons of hours and it's the nature of the job, not just her workplace.

Susan does claim I'm putting her in a catch-22. That I want her to tell me when she's with someone but then I get cold when she does. The first one half is nuanced. I LIKE her to tell me because I like to know what's going on in her life. But I really only want to know when she's busy so I don't have to wait for her. I don't know about the being cold at all. I've been extremely supportive of Wineguy and Brigham. Daley I've been supportive, though there have been times when I told her she was better off moving on, and we did have that incident, but those were because Susan and I were hanging out and she left me to go hang out with him. I understood and encouraged, but I wasn't happy about it. I will tease her a little when a new guy comes around because it tweaks my insecurity, but I wouldn't categorize it as cold. It's about perspective though. I'll have to be better.

She said we'll get through it, and I tend to agree. I don't feel any differently, but I'm caught between giving her space and needing to reach out. She says she wants me not to wait on her, but I have such a hard time reconciling that with her having anxiety when I'm gone.

I guess I just have to trust. I'll give her space. She already reached out to me today, but it was weird. She said she was feeling better about us, but pushed away when I asked if I should talk to her tonight.

I get the feeling she needs an escape right now, and I'm too much like real life.
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Me: 40 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 18 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 3 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
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  #35  
Old 09-18-2013, 02:16 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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I really don't know where Susan and I are at.

Monday we met up on gchat and had a really hot time and a nice talk. I had mailed her a love letter on Friday and she went to sleep with the card.

Yesterday we chatted during the day, and made plans for me to visit for a few days. I know she wasn't placating as she both asked me to stay over "at least" one day, and mentioned there's a nice hotel really close to her house for the others. Then she ignored me for 4 hours when we were on our social chat despite a couple messages from me. At 2am, we had the biggest fight we've ever had. On our social chat, we have profile pictures. For the last several months, mine has been a picture of the two of us. I'm going to take it down. I wanted to let her know and let her know why. One of my reasons is that it wouldn't be fair to any "women I might be seeing." She flipped out because I vaguely referenced other women. Not that I'm seeing them. She's ok with that, but she can't deal with knowing about it. I can try not letting her know, but I'm not sure it makes any difference. She's too curious. She's going to see me in public chat rooms with the same persons.

It feels like we are now broken up publicly. Privately, not, and we did part on ok terms last night. We both had trouble sleeping and she texted me early this morning. We both apologized again, and admitted we are scared. Our relationship is reverting to a year ago. Back when I had to pretend I wasn't in love with her. I asked Susan for an evening with me on Friday. I want to hang out with our friends and see how it goes. I need to be able to be with her in public. If she can't do that any more, it's just a matter of time before it's dead.

On the other hand, I'm not waiting around either. I have meetings scheduled tomorrow (Sassanach) and Thursday (Stakes - previously mentioned as S). If I'm reverting to life pre-Susan, I'm jumping in whole hog. I don't half-ass things.

I'm really excited about Sassanach though. I've wanted a deeper relationship with her for a year or more. I hadn't been able to devote to it because I was spending my time on Susan. Sass and I are very similar. Same music taste. Same books. Same life situation (married, in love LDR online, not limited). Same sexual outlook. I was so thrilled when she accepted my offer for a "date" tonight.
__________________
Me: 40 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 18 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 3 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend

Last edited by Nox; 09-18-2013 at 02:21 PM. Reason: clarity + naming
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  #36  
Old 09-18-2013, 05:30 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by evad View Post
Then she ignored me for 4 hours when we were on our social chat despite a couple messages from me.
SERIOUSLY? This sounds like teenage girl drama for the sake of drama. Jeesh, I don't always answer people right away either, because it distracts me from what I'm in the middle of, neither will I ignore someone else that I'm currently chatting with just because someone else needs their ego stroked. I've also been know to leave fb open and walk away, do other things, etc. If it was that URGENT, pick up the phone an make a voice call. To me, this would be a screaming RED FLAG that this is someone I need to back far away from. Why was this such a BIG deal?
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  #37  
Old 09-18-2013, 06:59 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
SERIOUSLY? This sounds like teenage girl drama for the sake of drama. Jeesh, I don't always answer people right away either, because it distracts me from what I'm in the middle of, neither will I ignore someone else that I'm currently chatting with just because someone else needs their ego stroked. I've also been know to leave fb open and walk away, do other things, etc. If it was that URGENT, pick up the phone an make a voice call. To me, this would be a screaming RED FLAG that this is someone I need to back far away from. Why was this such a BIG deal?
In the absolute base sense you are correct. We do go some time without responding to messages, via email, text, or im.

However, this (meaning social chat) is so far out of the realm of normal. We have been doing this for damn near every day for two years. It has never happened. Add in all the other stuff and I'm scared.
edit: It was not a BIG deal. It was a detail.

I totally get that it could be nothing. Well, that's not true. It's something. We haven't figured out what yet. But our relationship has changed.

I do need to make clear this is my thoughts. I made no actions. I didn't complain. I didn't say, mention, or imply that I didn't hear from her. I'm confused, and changes don't make me any less confused.

The fight was solely about me saying there could be other women in the future. She is adamant about a DADT. If I mention another woman (my wife excluded) she will not be able to deal with it and we are done.

I do appreciate your candor though. A good slap in the face would do me good right about now.
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Me: 40 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 18 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 3 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend

Last edited by Nox; 09-18-2013 at 07:16 PM.
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  #38  
Old 09-18-2013, 08:04 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by evad View Post
A good slap in the face would do me good right about now.
Really didn't mean it that way, it just seemed like an overreaction to online messaging responses. I see it far too often, that people read all sorts of hidden messages in what picture is posted or who they are talking to, etc. Believe me it's easy to get sucked into the the "OMG, she/he hasn't responded to my messages in ___ hours". I do it too, but I realize it's a knee jerk reaction and must be reasonable.

If she is already uncomfortable with you seeing new women and you are removing pictures of her from your fb (or such), for the benefit of these other "possible" women, I can see where she would now feel like she's becoming your dirty little secret or and that she no longer matters - even if that's not the reality. She is obviously not comfortable with the situation and the path you want to go on. Are you steaming ahead and expecting her to catch up or have you been trying to slow down to her speed? Sorry, didn't read your whole blog here.
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  #39  
Old 09-18-2013, 08:20 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Really didn't mean it that way, it just seemed like an overreaction to online messaging responses. I see it far too often, that people read all sorts of hidden messages in what picture is posted or who they are talking to, etc. Believe me it's easy to get sucked into the the "OMG, she/he hasn't responded to my messages in ___ hours". I do it too, but I realize it's a knee jerk reaction and must be reasonable.

If she is already uncomfortable with you seeing new women and you are removing pictures of her from your fb (or such), for the benefit of these other "possible" women, I can see where she would now feel like she's becoming your dirty little secret or and that she no longer matters - even if that's not the reality. She is obviously not comfortable with the situation and the path you want to go on. Are you steaming ahead and expecting her to catch up or have you been trying to slow down to her speed? Sorry, didn't read your whole blog here.
No worries. I really do love candor. Especially in a forum like this.

Just the opposite. She's steaming ahead (she's had 3 bf including me for over a year, and one she's been hot and cold with plus some FWB), and has been encouraging me to do the same. Except she doesn't want to have any hint that I'm doing it. I previously thought she didn't want any specifics, but she made clear, "women I might be seeing" will set her off.
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Wife: Kay - mono female - married 18 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 3 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
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  #40  
Old 09-19-2013, 01:25 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Well, I think I have some clarity.

Sassanach had to cancel, but we rescheduled for Monday. Susan had invited me to join her with some of our mutual friends while I was waiting for Sass, so once I had that ironed out, I joined her.

Everything was good. We were flirting heavily. Some strong innuendo, some explicit. It was enough to get me physically excited. I asked if she wanted to leave with me. Before she could answer, Daley logged in (not in our room, just online) and another one of her suitors (for lack of a better word) joined us in the room. She was barely communicative after that. I told her I was ready to leave, and asked again if she wanted to join me. She said she was ready to leave, but was it ok if she didn't join me.

Ha. What can I say to that? If I tell her no, it's not ok, it's controlling. If I say yes, I can't complain about it later. I say "of course" as controlling is not something I'm going to do. She leaves so fast I can't even give her a hug goodbye.

But I get it now. She doesn't want to be my girlfriend publicly any more. Privately, I don't know. She doesn't want to give me up, but I'm going to have a bitch of a time going from seeing her every night, to seeing her once a week and hoping she's not going to run off if she sees someone better. There's definitely some NRE going on, but that doesn't make it any easier for me.

I do feel better this morning. Much less confused. I have an terrible time dealing with uncertainty.
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Wife: Kay - mono female - married 18 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 3 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
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