Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 01-01-2011, 05:19 PM
oasis777 oasis777 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
Posts: 5
Unhappy The Darker Side of Trust

A very simple word is "trust," and yet sometimes so very hard to execute.

From the beginning, he always said that finding a third was his goal. When we met, I had been single for about 13 years. I had a good job, the kids were growing up and I had begun exploring my sexual side and finding out who I really was. We seemed to be on the same page when it came to sexual beliefs and openness. We agreed that the primary players would always be each other. That any relationships outside of our marriage would be discussed before anything got off the ground.

"The best laid schemes o' mice an' men."

It was a good plan, but I just did not realize how many potential pot holes there were in that road. How many ways your ego and feelings can get trampled. And it all comes down to trust. Neither one of us really trusts the other. The longer the mistrust festers without care, the more damage is done. I have this picture in my head of a giant ball of destruction, rolling down a mountain, crushing all in its path.

I feel betrayed by some many little things. I can not speak for him, and know that a one sided story never shows that whole picture.

I am caught between giving him a privacy that I don't really believe a married couple has or turning into a jealous bitch that will eventually drive the relationship into the ground.

I know from past experience that just letting it go builds resentment, and we will not survive that either.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 01-02-2011, 12:46 AM
Jaded14 Jaded14 is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: OKC
Posts: 1
Default

I could have written some of this myself. Wish I had some advice or something, all I can say is I feel exactly what you are saying.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 01-03-2011, 05:31 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,189
Default

Trust is so key in any relationship-but even more so in an open relationship.

Maca and I were discussing this just yesterday, he struggles with trust. I don't so much.

The key difference in our perspectives is that I don't stop trusting just because someone hurts me. My trust is based in the INTENTION. Did they INTEND to hurt me? If not-then there's no need to lose trust in them, we all make mistakes. Where as he trusts those who don't hurt him at all. Unfortunately for him, given time everyone will hurt you at some point.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 01-08-2011, 05:29 AM
eklctc eklctc is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 275
Default

One thing that is constantly reiterated in guidelines of open relationships is to address the issue in your relationship prior to branching out because branching out is not going to solve the problem. If your goal is to continue with a loving, growing relationship, you guys must mutually agree to work on that which is already broken in your relationship. As you stated, letting it go builds resentment on your end. Dangling it over the relationship or holding onto it (which it will find outlets in other negative ways) will build resentment on his end. I wish you well in your journey.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 01-09-2011, 08:28 PM
oasis777 oasis777 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
Posts: 5
Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
My trust is based in the INTENTION. Did they INTEND to hurt me? If not-then there's no need to lose trust in them, we all make mistakes. Where as he trusts those who don't hurt him at all. Unfortunately for him, given time everyone will hurt you at some point.
It is difficult to separate the two types sometimes. Being hurt...........well hurts, no matter if it was intended or not. To avoid the pain, you tend to hold back your true self over time and before you know it, that becomes the norm. No one really knows who you are because you don't trust them with that knowledge.

A part of me realizes that this perspective is skewed and yet it is my norm. I too understand that everyone will eventually hurt you and not all of them will mean to do it. But I also know that those few who one may allow into the inner sanctum will have the power to do great damage.

Oh what a struggle it is.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 01-09-2011, 10:21 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,189
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by oasis777 View Post
It is difficult to separate the two types sometimes. Being hurt...........well hurts, no matter if it was intended or not. To avoid the pain, you tend to hold back your true self over time and before you know it, that becomes the norm. No one really knows who you are because you don't trust them with that knowledge.

A part of me realizes that this perspective is skewed and yet it is my norm. I too understand that everyone will eventually hurt you and not all of them will mean to do it. But I also know that those few who one may allow into the inner sanctum will have the power to do great damage.

Oh what a struggle it is.
It's not a matter of not feeling the hurt (to me). I feel the hurt. But hurting doesn't necessarily mean I should stop trusting them. Trust isn't tied to pain or lack there of for me. . . . . . .
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:03 AM.