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  #51  
Old 05-01-2013, 07:39 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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I am sorry you are upset Greenjade, but if it is one thing I know, if someone says they are going to leave you NEED to let them. You would be better off going straight back to him now and saying 'You said you needed to leave, I stopped you out of fear, but I realise now that you might need this time to get your head straight and that is the most important thing'. And tell him to leave asap. Never, ever stop someone from leaving when they say they are. Needy isn't attractive, Acting like a martyr is not attractive, mentally confining someone when they need space is not attractive. Telling him to go if he feels he needs to creates insecurity with HIM and it means that he would realise that you are not a sure thing that he can pick up and drop whenever he feels like it. I don't want to kick you when you are down but stopping him was a bad, bad move ok? Trust me on that.

(((hugs)))
Natja
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  #52  
Old 05-01-2013, 07:40 AM
Greenjade Greenjade is offline
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Him leaving, wasn't to think about it, it was so he didn't haven to choose anyone. He was giving everything up, so he didn't hurt one of us, this way it was equal for everyone.
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  #53  
Old 05-01-2013, 07:45 AM
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That is what he TOLD you Jade, that does not mean it is what it is. Oh come on, you are not that naive surely? No man is going to leave to permanently be alone, everyone on this thread saw through that story.
He is leaving to give himself an opportunity to be free from pressure, mostly from you to be honest and it is only 'with' that freedom can he realise that the grass is not greener. You have halted that and now he won't get a chance to learn that lesson and you can welcome countless more days, weeks or months with this stress and strain, how on earth is that preferable?
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  #54  
Old 05-01-2013, 09:44 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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The bit about not choosing either of you also means he gets to do an "Oh woe is me! Here I am all alone! See how much they've hurt me, but I love both of them too much to hurt them!" routine until everyone gives him exactly what he wants so he stops making puppydog eyes at them. He gets to completely ignore the fact that his behaviour is, indeed, hurting everyone he claims to care for.
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  #55  
Old 05-01-2013, 01:20 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Well, you put your foot down and asked him to make up his mind and CHOOSE finally. That part was good. I am glad you did this! Stop the wishy washy on that point at least.

When he gave his answer of "Not Greenjade" you wobbled. It does not matter if it is to go off to be alone to think, be alone permanently, or go off to be with her. How it affects you either way? It is "Not Greenjade right now."

Sounds like that answer wigged you out a bit. I know that's hard to digest/accept and not the answer you hoped for.

But having him hang around some more? Be leery that you could be in the bargaining place with that choice. (If he isn't picking her, I rather be be with me then until he decides who to be with.)

Your suffering might not end there. You may find yourself wondering when he's going to bail on you next since he's bailed already.

On his end, he may grow resentful that he made a choice for himself and then rengeged on himself. And could direct that resentment at your head rather than at his own decision making process and wishy washy.

Is a 3-6 month trial separation for both of you to collect your emotions again really so bad? So you can then make life changing decisions from a cooler place of mind and not all het up? Whether the decision is to break apart or do the work of repairs so you can stay together?

You could benefit perhaps from knowing you can make it on your own -- that alone isn't so bad.

He could benefit perhaps from knowing what it is to MISS YOU. When he says and does things that hurt and take you for granted because "he knows our relationship works" -- that's not cool.

I am concerned when you say this that you really are talking about you.

Quote:
I think he is scared to walk away from us, because he'll end up feeling like he is now, but with the women in different places.
I could be wrong. But could that be reframed as

"I think I am scared for him to walk away from us. Because I will end up feeling like I am now, but alone."

Is that where you are at emotionally now?

You mention living in an isolated way since moving to new town, not socializing much, not having friends other than through the kids, no lifelong friends to unload on, and not able to talk to your mom.

You mention your willing to do things you "would rather do than lose him and be alone" I get that it is scary to think of a future that is different than the future you originally planned for your life.

But remember you felt this too:

Quote:
I think I might be done, I'm hurting too much. I'm thinking about telling him he can just have her... When I think about telling him, this calm/numbness washes over me.
In the alphabet soup of emotions you might be feeling day to day or even hour to hour? Could go toward the choices that bring you calm feelings. Not choices that bring you more het up crazy stuff. Feelings sometimes make no sense -- and sometimes are serving as a guide. Could listen.

Asking him to stay from fear of being alone? While initially relieving because you are not yet alone?

That's still not him picking "Be with Greenjade" from the beginning.

That's him picking "Not Greenjade" and then "letting myself be persuaded to stay."

I cannot know his intentions with choosing to leave and then staying. But it could be things like
  • He's a wishy washy guy who cannot make decisions and he's going to ping pong before making a break
  • He wants to make it so YOU are the one to leave so he can tell himself that he's really "a nice guy" that got a raw deal.
  • he's enjoying all the drama/attention so he can feel "wanted" so much for ego stokes
  • He's testing your "loyalty" to see what new kind of FRESH he can push for next since you have accepted and tolerated this much so far.
  • Something else I cannot see?

It increases in "ugh factor" as I guess -- but even the mildest one of him being a wishy washy decision maker? It is still not "I pick Greenjade because I love her!"

You deserve to be with someone who JOYFULLY AND ENTHUSIASTICALLY wants to be with you even if their other relationships in polyship are wobbling or ending. Not someone who is "lukewarm" about it. You do not exist to be the "back up plan."

Later doubts for you could start creeping back in. "He bailed on me once already... so when's the next time he's going to bail coming?" and the relief of the initial "Yay, I'm not alone!" will wear off and change to more worry/anxious sufferings.

Please be careful with yourself over there. Could accept your short term health is just full of suckage. Fine. So be it. Hard times right now.

Could focus on your LONG TERM HEALTH later down the road then instead. What is best to preserve your long term healths?

Ok, He's chosen "break up with all." Since on your end that involves a lot of legalities? I would encourage a trial separation thing to make sure that's the life changing choice. NRE drunk could be taken into consideration. So try it on. Be separated but not yet divorced.

As hard as it is -- BOTH of you get a chance to look at this situation from a place of cooler heads so you both can take a better assessment. Especially YOU.

Don't be afraid to shine a light in dark corners -- you've already done so much and come so far in putting your foot down and asking so you can KNOW where you stand. You know where you are at now. That's progress at least even if it is not yummy tasting right now nor what you hoped for.

Could bite shield and continue to process. Just do the job in front of you -- the job of looking out for your OWN best long term healths (Mental, emotional, physical, spiritual healths.)

With or without him. Maybe you want a counselor to help you sort?

Hang in there.

Namaste,
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-01-2013 at 01:50 PM.
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  #56  
Old 05-01-2013, 02:47 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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What gala girl is saying is: if you love someone set them free. If they don't come back, they are not "yours" and never were. And even if they do come back, they still are not yours and are still free to leave at any time.
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  #57  
Old 05-01-2013, 03:57 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Actually what I am saying is more along the lines of...
"Love yourself FIRST. You are responsible for your own well being. You are responsible for your own emergency preparedness. Don't be afraid to be alone if that's what it takes to be safe right now from more incoming shenanigans. Give yourself the gift of a a separate quiet place in which to think. But don't take forever."
I think Greenjade could get herself and kids out of more potential harm's way, even if it feels sucky to have to be doing it while hurting. Love him all you want right now -- but from a place of safety. Emotional stuff can be sorted out later in good time. But material safety things -- might need to make a move NOW to protect you having continued access to money, shelter, food, etc.

Put your own oxygen mask on first.

I came back to post this practical suggestion to Greenjade for her consideration:

Could go to bank, withdraw half put in Greenjade's own name RIGHT NOW in a new account if you do not have your money arranged that way already. Seriously. Protect you and kids and get your half of the money secured. NOW. Even take the day off work to square that up. You have enough shenanigans without adding a "money access problem" one on top.


Whatever weird he's got going on -- whether he's a normally sensible person who is temporarily confused by NRE, a wishywashy dude who wants to leave but too weenie to just break up properly and decently, or a manipulator playing games or what... well, he's not the person posting.

He's being weird and less than loving in his behavior right now toward Greenjade and HIS CHILDREN -- regardless of reason WHY that is.

Why ask why? That just hamster wheels things. Easier to accept his chess move. He wants to break up with all.

And make Greenjade's next chess move based on that new information. He wants to break up with all? All right. Move it forward then. He can move out so the kids are not disturbed in their home. Greenjade could take protective steps to make sure kids are not disturbed in their home stability too -- like secure finances.

Greenjade, if he's a nice guy, he'll get that he just told you he wants to break up. Believe him then and move it forward with bank business. You'd have to split money things anway. Why would he be surprised you are taking care of bank biz? He doesn't want to be believed at his word?

If he's an ass, You are NOT letting yourself be distracted by your pain and failing to protect you and the kids from this classic ass move -- If you share all money in joint? HE goes to bank shutting down all joint financial accounts on you and cutting you off from money and legal aid while you are all sad. Then bills roll around and when you go to look at the bank things... whoa! You get another nasty shock. Ugh.

I'm sure that's painful to think. Maybe even "Why would he do something like that to me if he loves me?" Well, don't ask why. Could just make a move so it's not even an issue and you and the kids are ok for money in this difficult time. Hard enough without THAT extra problem on top, right?

If the next square to visit is destined to be one of these --
  • Temporarily Separated -- and go with a trial separation to see what new information can be learned and try life without him on to see if you like that better than this ugh you are in? If you both are going for that -- have to split the money anyway to run two households.
  • Divorce. No need to try a separation to find out if you are just done. Because you know it already. In terms of divorce, better for you to be the PETITIONER than the RESPONDENT then. And have to split the money anyway as you do the divorce work to sever the legal marital bond.

Both choices serve your interests and move it towards improving your long term health.

I know your short term emotional health is just sucky right now. It is what it is. Sigh. I'm so sorry. All I can suggest there is to get enough sleep, eat healthy, keep the routine same for the kids, and plod onward toward long term health resolution.

And take care of the money. ASAP for your short term financial health so your mental health doesn't have THAT extra load on it to have to bear as well. If your couple/married financial arrangements are leaving you vulnerable to a "dump and run" -- best you sort it out TODAY even if it means taking a sick day off work to do it. There's kids and your well being to think of here.

Maybe in the end you come back together and do the work of marriage repair. But that is speaking to a possible future that is not yet here or certain. Take care of your TODAY right now.

Don't be left up shit creek without a paddle, Greenjade. You & kids need to be able to eat in the short term and pay for things even as your sort out your plan for how to be dealing with the long term stuff and whatever the future is to be for yourself.

Sigh. Hang in there.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-01-2013 at 08:06 PM.
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  #58  
Old 05-01-2013, 04:26 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Quote:
Could go to bank, withdraw half put in Greenjade's own name RIGHT NOW if it isn't already. Seriously. Protect you and kids and get your half of the money secured. NOW. Even take the day off work to square that up. You have enough shenanigans without adding a "money access problem" one on top.
Great advice. I'd do it.

Quote:
That is what he TOLD you Jade, that does not mean it is what it is. Oh come on, you are not that naive surely? No man is going to leave to permanently be alone, everyone on this thread saw through that story.
He is leaving to give himself an opportunity to be free from pressure, mostly from you to be honest and it is only 'with' that freedom can he realise that the grass is not greener. You have halted that and now he won't get a chance to learn that lesson and you can welcome countless more days, weeks or months with this stress and strain, how on earth is that preferable?
Also agree.

Don't let him manipulate you.
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  #59  
Old 05-01-2013, 05:31 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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All this talk about protecting yourself financially is valuable. If you take nothing else to heart, please take this advice seriously. I have a story to tell:

Once upon a time, my spouse's younger sister had a baby, then married a guy from the UK, moved over there, he adopted her baby and they had another one. The younger child now about 2 or 3 years old, they were getting ready to move back to the US. SIL came back here first with the kids, and the Mr. was to follow shortly thereafter. Instead, he withdrew all their money, closed all the accounts, and filed for divorce. SIL has lived unhappily ever since. The End.

This was not even a nonmonogamous relationship. It could happen to you.
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  #60  
Old 05-02-2013, 02:09 AM
Greenjade Greenjade is offline
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I would never take any money or assets or anything like that. We have agreed if this ends there will be none of the nasty divorce shit and we will work through it they best way we can for our kids.
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