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  #21  
Old 04-29-2013, 12:13 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I could be wrong, but here's what I'm hearing:
  • I love my BF. I want to work on that relationship.
  • I no longer love my husband. I don't want to work on that relationship.
She loves her husband. She is in love with (feeling major lust, and feeling romantic and she just HAS to be with him as often as possible, ie: NRE overriding rational thought) the boyfriend.

Or so it seems to me. She said her h wants to hang in there til their oldest gets out of the house... so there are other young kids to consider?

Yet this bf seems like a wild card. He's dark, he's had a shady past. Does he want to live with her? Does he want her youngest kids impinging on their love nest? Is he in rebound from his own marriage breaking up?

I suggest slowing everything the hell down and trying to be rational here!
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #22  
Old 04-29-2013, 12:15 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I suggest slowing everything the hell down and trying to be rational here!
Normally I'd say the same. But later down she writes they are no longer in love. (Her and the husband.)

Quote:
My husband and I probably are not in love anymore because of all of this and we have tried to repair it but both feel very different about the situation and have settled on we are just trying to hold on to whatever is left until my oldest is moved out which is probably a little more than a year away.
Quote:
He has told me he has had thoughts of killing us both. Most times he seems ok but had lost respect for me and if he's stressed sometimes he'll call me names and act as though he is gonna hit me. We have a therapist, it just doesn't help to resolve that we feel very differently. He has gotten a lot better this time around but still says he's losing love and respect for me and he wants to leave me when our daughter is gone.
To me it sounds like nobody wants to really be here in the marriage any more. No longer compatible. Just hanging in there for the kid to move out and then break up? Why not break up now then?

He does not sound like he wants to polyship and she does. It seems cruel to me for her to continue to polyship with him along for the ride losing love and respect for her.

Could end the suffering for all now. She doesn't want to dump the BF. So... that leaves breaking up with the husband.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-29-2013 at 12:23 AM.
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  #23  
Old 04-29-2013, 12:18 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Later down she writes they are no longer in love. (Her and the husband.)
Some people make a distinction between loving someone and being in love with someone. She seemed to make that distinction. When one has been with someone for 20 years, had all their ups and downs, had kids together, there is usually a degree of loyalty and a loathing to just break up because some strangers on the internet recommend it.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #24  
Old 04-29-2013, 12:21 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I got the distinction ....I've actually lived the distinction. I'll stand by my original comment ...and I agree with gala .
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  #25  
Old 04-29-2013, 12:34 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I got the distinction ....I've actually lived the distinction. I'll stand by my original comment.
I've lived it as well, and yet, I did not break up with my husband until my kids were in their late teens/early 20s. I did not leave him for another man, I left him for my own sense of peace. Maybe I waited too long? Maybe. I'm extra loyal and stubborn and left no stone unturned to save our marriage.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #26  
Old 04-29-2013, 01:17 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I did not leave him for another man, I left him for my own sense of peace. Maybe I waited too long? Maybe..
What if you had the clarity of another relationship? Maybe that would have pushed it over the edge for you.


How many years did you try ? Was your husband happy during that time ...were you ?


Whats the up side for the husband in this ? A happier roommate? !/2 a roommate ...gets to file a joint tax return.
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  #27  
Old 04-29-2013, 01:23 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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gets to file a joint tax return.

Joint tax return don't mean shit if both people work full time.
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  #28  
Old 04-29-2013, 06:04 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default you have to be careful of bad patterns in your life

In general, it will make a world of difference in your ability to see, hear, and act from a point of clarity if you end certain unhealthy relationships before you begin the same type of relationship with another. When people do not, the other relationship can and does affect other relationships, and you will likely be blind to the effect it has. The biggest red flag is when the relationship you are leaving wasn't unhealthy or bad until the other relationship began to have an effect. And it is all but impossible for you to be able to see it without another person's perspective unless you are extremely adept at looking at things from all angles.

It gets way more complicated and harder to untangle what is going on in poly relationships.

As far as the threats, that is not a healthy kind of love at all. I think everyone has gotten angry in their lifetime and had crazy thoughts like that, and depending on the details it could be normal, but could also be very dangerous. I know good people who have made the mistake of getting physically aggressive with their partners, but people who do it more than one or twice, and do not realize that no matter how much you love each other, you cannot be together until you get help learning how be in healthy relationships. Trying to remain in a relationship like that is dangerous.

To be honest, you should think about dumping both of them. Poly doesn't work for people who do not understand what a healthy relationship is, which also entails recognizing the patterns that are not healthy and being wise enough to get help before continuing on.

I am sorry for you and your husband, it isn't easy to figure out how to have healthy polyships. If you aren't on stable ground when you start, attempting it without being ready is disastrous.

What does your boyfriend have to say about how your husband's feeling? If he doesn't care that your husband is having a hard time, poly will never work with him in the relationship. When a metamour is wounded anybody adding salt to the wounds isn't poly unless you have all desire and consent to fulltime sadomasochism dynamics, but unless you are one of them it will turn into trouble. Could that be the reason both relationships aren't working? If he is doing that, that isn't love, at least not a healthy version of it. It's right there in line with hitting your partners, which is also not love, or at least not a healthy version of it.

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 04-29-2013 at 06:15 AM.
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  #29  
Old 04-29-2013, 12:40 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
What if you had the clarity of another relationship? Maybe that would have pushed it over the edge for you.
Well, although we'd tried poly in 1999-2000, it kinda blew up and we gave up on it. So, no, I didn't have the "clarity" of another relationship in our final 10 years together, as I have morals and do not cheat. But finally, I did get interested in this guy online, and even though he was 1000 miles away, we experienced a kind of love for each other. It only lasted 3 months, but the quality of the NRE did show me what was missing in my life with my husband.

But I didn't leave the husband FOR that guy, I left him for myself.


Quote:
How many years did you try ?
Well, we were together 30 years. So, 30 years. But the swirling down the drain in earnest was the last 10 years.

Quote:
Was your husband happy during that time ...were you ?
Sometimes we were happy, sometimes we weren't. I'd say I was happy in my relationship 60% of the time. Eventually I realized that wasn't often enough, and wasn't going to get better no matter how much more therapy we did.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #30  
Old 04-30-2013, 03:28 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Well, although we'd tried poly in 1999-2000, it kinda blew up and we gave up on it. So, no, I didn't have the "clarity" of another relationship in our final 10 years together, as I have morals and do not cheat. But finally, I did get interested in this guy online, and even though he was 1000 miles away, we experienced a kind of love for each other. It only lasted 3 months, but the quality of the NRE did show me what was missing in my life with my husband.

But I didn't leave the husband FOR that guy, I left him for myself.




Well, we were together 30 years. So, 30 years. But the swirling down the drain in earnest was the last 10 years.



Sometimes we were happy, sometimes we weren't. I'd say I was happy in my relationship 60% of the time. Eventually I realized that wasn't often enough, and wasn't going to get better no matter how much more therapy we did.

So the case could be made if you were in a poly relationship (local ) towards the end of your relationship and you had a similar "quality NRE " reaction or greater because of being local ...more physical contact and sex the contrast would have been even brighter ...the pull even stronger. And then you might be able to identify with the OP

In your example you were happy 60% of the time. Unclear on your husband lets say 50/50. THIS guy is UNHAPPY 95% of the time.... Or happy 5% of the time. What's in this for him ??? he can learn to be happy 19 1/2% of the time.

And by your example you possibly wasted 7, 8....maybe 9 years of everyone's lives.

Whats the difference of leaving for another guy or leaving for the contrast of what you are missing with your husband. Seems like a distinction without a difference. Its not what "he" is...it's what you're not. OK then
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