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  #51  
Old 04-29-2013, 07:09 AM
Nudibranch Nudibranch is offline
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Way back to reply to the OP's question:

I prefer things simple and Stoical. So when I confront issues, situations, or people that/who arouse in me emotion, self-doubt, questioning, back-and-forthing, and similar feelings, I know that it's my own inner magnetized needle wobbling and spinning rather than pointing true north.

I've been polyamorous for over 40 years, and IME, if my entire being doesn't say a simple, quiet YES at every stage, renewed daily and without bodice heaving and beads of sweat on the forehead, then it's something I should steer clear of. Adrenaline is a hell of a drug, the amygdala is a traitor to sanity, and once you get to the touch-n-feel stage, add in oxytocin for a doom cocktail mixed and served up right in your own brain.

I'd say that your anguish, confusion, and lack of surety provide all the answer you could need. I'd ask you back: why are you doubting your own red flags telling you this is something you should nip in the bud? Whatever is triggering such strong emotions in you is the key to whatever you need to learn. But there may be better ways of learning it than getting emotionally/sexually/etc. involved with a boyfriend your teenage daughter brought home. (Dismiss all that with the casual modifier that HE is casual all you want. You are proposing not a relationship with him, but messing with a relationship with her. How come?)

For the record, I have no problems with relationships with vast age differences, so long as all parties are of legal age and ability to consent, and clear about what they are doing, and why. You admit you are not clear about what is happening; it's why you came here for public input.

At the very least, I'd say you need to slow way down and get past this fevered state before making any decisions. From where I sit, parents should have the maturity to relinquish attachments to people originally brought home by their offspring. Your resources for meeting potential partners should be far more developed than to need or choose to reach into your daughter's pool of associates.
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  #52  
Old 04-29-2013, 11:12 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I do not believe in going after anyone sexually or romantically who meant something to someone who is either friends or family to me. Heck IMO it is never a good idea to get involved with coworkers either.

Someone always seems to get hurt even if they say it is ok.
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #53  
Old 04-29-2013, 03:44 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nudibranch View Post
Way back to reply to the OP's question:

I prefer things simple and Stoical. So when I confront issues, situations, or people that/who arouse in me emotion, self-doubt, questioning, back-and-forthing, and similar feelings, I know that it's my own inner magnetized needle wobbling and spinning rather than pointing true north.

I've been polyamorous for over 40 years, and IME, if my entire being doesn't say a simple, quiet YES at every stage, renewed daily and without bodice heaving and beads of sweat on the forehead, then it's something I should steer clear of. Adrenaline is a hell of a drug, the amygdala is a traitor to sanity, and once you get to the touch-n-feel stage, add in oxytocin for a doom cocktail mixed and served up right in your own brain.

I'd say that your anguish, confusion, and lack of surety provide all the answer you could need. I'd ask you back: why are you doubting your own red flags telling you this is something you should nip in the bud? Whatever is triggering such strong emotions in you is the key to whatever you need to learn. But there may be better ways of learning it than getting emotionally/sexually/etc. involved with a boyfriend your teenage daughter brought home. (Dismiss all that with the casual modifier that HE is casual all you want. You are proposing not a relationship with him, but messing with a relationship with her. How come?)

For the record, I have no problems with relationships with vast age differences, so long as all parties are of legal age and ability to consent, and clear about what they are doing, and why. You admit you are not clear about what is happening; it's why you came here for public input.

At the very least, I'd say you need to slow way down and get past this fevered state before making any decisions. From where I sit, parents should have the maturity to relinquish attachments to people originally brought home by their offspring. Your resources for meeting potential partners should be far more developed than to need or choose to reach into your daughter's pool of associates.

Bravo! What refreshing advice. I see this a lot, people ignoring what their gut is trying to tell them. Not trusting themselves or being true to themselves. Asking other people for advice, then back pedaling and explaining why that advice doesn't facilitate their agenda, when they already know what the right thing to do is (usually the boring, responsible thing - the thing that is opposite of orgasms and sexytimes and neurotransmitter cocktails). My favorite ones are when a person comes on and describes a fucked-up situation, then goes, "i want to be ok with this. How to i make my feelings agree with my mind?" or something along those lines. Then they get all this advice about boundaries and limits, and people try to explain compersion, etc. when the OP has clearly provided their own answers, but doesn't want to listen to themselves.
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  #54  
Old 04-30-2013, 03:01 AM
Jamiex3 Jamiex3 is offline
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Boundaries, dude, boundaries.
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  #55  
Old 04-30-2013, 11:52 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default Is there something bugging you Nudibranch

It's not just you, several people's words had a tone that I would take as an attack if I were the poster.

Often it seems like there is some unspoken underlying animosity that comes out rather passive aggressively. But it's not unique to this forum, most forums seem to have people that take a sense of pride or ownership over the forum and that's a good thing however it can also be a bad thing depending on the direction people want this site to go. It sounds as if the mods have recently reiterated how they wish this to be a site that is welcoming to all people who are interested in poly or looking for support in regards to any poly topic. Of course the users of the site will likely always have the most say about what the site does or doesn't become because collectively, they are the site

It's really easy to make people feel unwelcome while staying well within the guidelines or any user agreement, and if they group feels that strongly about certain topics, then by all means everyone should treat OP as if their personal story and the details in reality as the worst case scenario. A better example of what I am talking about are the posts about that get labeled "unicorn hunters" and I am not saying that people shouldn't come down hard on couples looking for a hot bi babe, and in fact I am not saying that people shouldn't do it to this poster for thinking about possibly letting a some sort of relationship happen where if IF he continued both relationships her daughter would be some sort of metamour.

But I definitely didn't get the impression that was going to happen. If anything it sounded more like her daughter's significantly older, very casual FWB that seem interested in a more serious relationship with the mother.

Of course there are ways that to go about it that will inflict emotional damage, but that is exactly the kind of sensitive caution that should be used in all poly-relationships. You don't just hook up with another person's lover without being respectful and even then if you are not good at reading people or being sensitive to their emotions you can still cause near traumatic levels of emotional pain because it happens a lot in polyships where people say they are OK with things and do not have the communication skills to speak up when things change. That's how it works, or doesn't work.

I can certainly understood people reacting they way they did to the post, but are you all aware of how much the community response here has the demeanor of an attack?

Again it's not wrong, I am just saying there are a lot of ways the OP situation could be handled, and you may want to at least consider afterwards if this subject is one you want the site to have it's own street gang that rushes to stomp the fire out.

I don't think it's a matter of people claiming to ask for advice but secretly wanting to be validated and only validated. There is a big difference between "you might want to avoid that, as you daughter may not deal with it well" compared to some of the replies here which I won't quote because I don't mean to pick on people, but rather reminding them it may be a good idea to think about at least their second replies and whether or not it would be better to be calmer as in , "Oh, OK I thought you meant the next time he comes over you were going to fuck him, and that sounded harsh to me because your daughter might be upset if she knew nothing about it and came home to that"

because that type of scenario, would likely hurt anybody, even the most experienced poly won't like inconsiderate behavior

I don't know, I am new here and maybe I just not used to the group dynamic, but rather than metaphorical high fives to next person on the dog pile, I was thinking something more along the lines of even a semi apology, like Oh, OK now I see what you mean

It could be just me, as I have to admit recently there's been a pattern where I feel like leaving several sites I recently started frequenting

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 04-30-2013 at 12:06 PM.
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  #56  
Old 04-30-2013, 12:36 PM
ManofDiscovery ManofDiscovery is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dirtclustit View Post
It's not just you, several people's words had a tone that I would take as an attack if I were the poster.

Often it seems like there is some unspoken underlying animosity that comes out rather passive aggressively.
Completely with you here.

There's some really great and helpful folks around here. But sadly there's a fair few that are nothing more than keyboard jockey bullies, hiding behind their computers whilst passively aggressively attacking...but still remaining within the forum rules (which of course makes it ok).

This is not something that is unique to this forum of course, but I think it's a bigger problem here than in the few other forums I've been on.
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  #57  
Old 04-30-2013, 01:04 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default Thank You MOD

But in full disclosure, I have been to sites where the problem wasn't the forum nor the users, but rather just me being out of place.
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  #58  
Old 04-30-2013, 05:14 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Examples from this thread please?
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  #59  
Old 04-30-2013, 06:33 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I am sorry but you can not gage someone intent via text alone.

If you could there would be no misunderstandings during conversations held via text message or email.

I can give you many many examples of arguments and misunderstands between Murf and I. Or Butch and I. Poor Murf has been bit in the ass far too many times via text message that he has learned to call and talk to me instead of texting me when it is important.

You do not get inflection of vocal tone via text. Plus some of the pieces of the puzzle may be missing.

Also I have found a lot of us who are poly have learned to be direct and to the point. We tend to be an independent lot. Plus I am sorry but sugarcoating and being supportive isn't always the best policy. We each come with our own moral compass and we should be true to ourselves. I am not going to support some one who goes against what I believe is right and wrong. If you put your business out on a message board be prepared to have someone call you on the carpet. I have had it done to me here on this forum in regards to an issue between Butch and I.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.

Last edited by Dagferi; 04-30-2013 at 06:36 PM.
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  #60  
Old 04-30-2013, 06:40 PM
ManofDiscovery ManofDiscovery is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Also I have found a lot of us who are poly have learned to be direct and to the point. We tend to be an independent lot. Plus I am sorry but sugarcoating and being supportive isn't always the best policy. We each come with our own moral compass and we should be true to ourselves. I am not going to support some one who goes against what I believe is right and wrong. If you put your business out on a message board be prepared to have someone call you on the carpet. I have had it done to me here on this forum in regards to an issue between Butch and I.
I hear this argument time and time again and I cannot accept it.

Roughly translated it's 'if you don't like being spoken to in a rude, aggressive fashion that's written to try and make you look stupid then you must need everything sugar coating and you don't want to hear the truth'.

As with most things, there is a balance.
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