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  #41  
Old 01-10-2011, 08:55 PM
UntamedHottie UntamedHottie is offline
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Thanks guys!! I really appreciate all the comments....So I am not doing anything wrong but by allowing him to do this to me....well it ends the moment I see him next. This is not how I wanted to be treated but I thought thats how people treat each other....I never really had a truly loving relationship. Time to move on.....anyone interested in a nearly 40 year BI female? LOL!! Who will love me and treat me the way I should be?

Oh and RedPepper....his wife knew what he was doing but she avoided me all night while I tended to their children so she can be on her laptop talking to her lovers. When I asked if she has heard from him and she said "Yes" and thats it. She packed up her laptop and went to her room. I then took the dogs out for a walk as the kids were sleeping.....talk about feeling so alone in a house with other people in it.

Anyways....now I just have to think of how Im gonna tell him I want this to end. Any suggestions on that?
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  #42  
Old 01-10-2011, 09:00 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Oh and RedPepper....his wife knew what he was doing but she avoided me all night while I tended to their children so she can be on her laptop talking to her lovers. When I asked if she has heard from him and she said "Yes" and thats it. She packed up her laptop and went to her room. I then took the dogs out for a walk as the kids were sleeping.....talk about feeling so alone in a house with other people in it.
Oh now it makes sense. These people want a free housemaid and babysitter.

Quote:
Anyways....now I just have to think of how Im gonna tell him I want this to end. Any suggestions on that?
"This isn't working out for me. I'm not getting what I need out of this relationship. I'd like to remain friends at work, but we're not compatible when it comes to more than that. I wish you all the best when it comes to your social life."

Last edited by NeonKaos; 01-10-2011 at 09:03 PM.
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  #43  
Old 01-10-2011, 09:02 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Just tell him that he's not able to fulfil the needs that you have for a relationship. Other than the fact you work together I would suggest just not contacting him anymore. It sounds to me that he isn't overly invested and would probably just leave the whole thing alone if he had to work for it. I'm so sorry that this was your first exposure to poly.

Once you're out of this relationship really think about what you want. It sounds to me that you've spent most of your adult life compromising for what someone else wants. Have people live up to being what you want them to be rather than settling for whoever comes along (no matter how hot they are).
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  #44  
Old 01-10-2011, 09:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UntamedHottie View Post
Thanks guys!! I really appreciate all the comments....So I am not doing anything wrong but by allowing him to do this to me....well it ends the moment I see him next. This is not how I wanted to be treated but I thought thats how people treat each other....I never really had a truly loving relationship. Time to move on.....anyone interested in a nearly 40 year BI female? LOL!! Who will love me and treat me the way I should be?

Oh and RedPepper....his wife knew what he was doing but she avoided me all night while I tended to their children so she can be on her laptop talking to her lovers. When I asked if she has heard from him and she said "Yes" and thats it. She packed up her laptop and went to her room. I then took the dogs out for a walk as the kids were sleeping.....talk about feeling so alone in a house with other people in it.

Anyways....now I just have to think of how Im gonna tell him I want this to end. Any suggestions on that?
My automatic response to your question was, "Don't contact him anymore." Personally, I would just not take his calls or emails and not bother with him anymore. But since communication is important, I guess you should tell him. However, my sense is, since he has been able to manipulate you pretty easily, that you should not see him in person to break it off -- just to make sure you stay strong if he tries to convince you not to end it. If you need to tell him, do it in a letter or email. I wouldn't even chance a phone call, because he's such a manipulative bastard.
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  #45  
Old 01-10-2011, 09:05 PM
UntamedHottie UntamedHottie is offline
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Thanks!!! Hugs to you all!

Yeah I have a bad habit of doing what others want but never anything for me....was raised that way. Its time to look out for me and get what I want...
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  #46  
Old 01-10-2011, 09:09 PM
UntamedHottie UntamedHottie is offline
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I dont do break up in emails or text or phone calls.....easier to do in person then he can see how angry I am....I am a strong person, once I make up my mind I stick to it. I was willing to do anything and everthing for this man but what do I get in return? Nothing really, an occassional sex session. Thats not enough for me. And I am totally not being treated fairly.....I do have needs just like he does but I cant get it elsewhere.....what a crock of crap. Look out people Im on the hunt!!!
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  #47  
Old 01-11-2011, 02:41 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UntamedHottie View Post
I dont do break up in emails or text or phone calls.....easier to do in person then he can see how angry I am....I am a strong person, once I make up my mind I stick to it. I was willing to do anything and everthing for this man but what do I get in return? Nothing really, an occassional sex session. Thats not enough for me. And I am totally not being treated fairly.....I do have needs just like he does but I cant get it elsewhere.....what a crock of crap. Look out people Im on the hunt!!!
sounds like you know what to say! Ha! good for you.

I think it would be okay to tell him in email that you wish to end it and that you would like to meet to do that. He might say forget it or not even respond, but for me I think its important to communicate to the bitter end. That way I walk away with integrity and dignity.

If he doesn't get in touch with you I think that you would do well to send him and his wife a email stating clearly and without offense what didn't work for you (her ignoring you, he leaving you at his house, paying no attention to your feelings and needs) and what you value in relationships dynamics (working on relationships rather than take people for granted) and people in your life. It might actually help them change their ways. Of course that is very generous and I certainly wouldn't think less of you for not doing that... just a thought.
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  #48  
Old 02-08-2011, 05:42 AM
TheWife TheWife is offline
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Alright, I've had it up to here with the misrepresentation, the deception, and the delusions.

Yes, Hello forum, I am the The Wife.

I hate to revive an old thread, but I will not tolerate slander.

And now, for the rest of the story.

"Hottie" knew my husband for close to a year before they started dating. She knew he was married. With kids. He used the term "open relationship" with her because most of the general population is unfamiliar with "polyamory", so he tried to simplify things. She was perfectly ok (and still is to this day) with him having sex and spending time with me. I still to this day, can't understand the difference between this, and another girlfriend (especially one he sees maybe two to three times a year).

For the record, he is not an asshole. He has a wife, two kids, two jobs, (one is with the military full time, so I'm not sure where she gets the idea that he has a "bad boy" image. Far from it), a house to maintain, and he lives about an hour's drive from her. Even if he wanted to spend more time with her, HE DOESN'T HAVE IT TO SPEND!!!

She was more than welcome to find something to do with herself when he's not able to see her (which, as noted above, is not often), including other boyfriends, he just has a pet peeve against fuck-buddies, and requested that as long as she's with him, she not have those. She tried to tell him tonight that Poly is having sex with lots of people, and since he won't let her do that, that he doesn't know what Poly is.

As for the couple of days she was at our house, he did go to work. In fact if she hadn't announced to the world that she was going out of town for a couple days, she could have worked the same shift, and she was told that by the person who schedules them.

I did spend some time on the computer that night fiddling around on facebook, AFTER THE KIDS WERE IN BED, but we did have a fair bit of conversation, we just have nothing in common, and I suck at small-talk. I went upstairs when my 1yearold woke up screaming, and decided to lay down in my bed with him. She asked me later if I had heard from him, and I said yes, that he should be home soon. He ended up having to stop for a nap during the 45 minute drive home because it was 2am, and he was tired. If she thought he smelled of sex, it's cuz she was projecting her jealous paranoia onto him.

Early in this thread, she tried to insinuate that she had no idea just how many girlfriends he had, and continuously talks about the "others". There was only one other (besides me)... the aforementioned one he sees a couple times a year (because she works out of town). And she knew all this. He told her as much the night she found out about said "other" (which was VERY early in their relationship). It's not his fault if she doesn't believe him.

You all mentioned to her about asking questions and setting boundaries. She came back accusing him of deflecting said questions. She never sat down calmly to ask jack squat. She attacked him with accusations. He refused to justify them with a response.

And before anyone here accuses me of just defending him because he's my husband and will repeat anything he tells me, most of the conversations between them are via facebook chat while he's sitting across the table from me, and he reads them to me. He has shown me 90% of the emails he has received from her. Not to mention the emails I have received from her.

Oh, and should I mention the stalking of my lover and her friends on the dating site we are all members of? I can only imagine how much facebook stalking she has done.

The last time she posted on here was close to a month ago, and yet it was finally tonight that my husband told her to take a flying leap, because for the past month, she has been nagging, and pestering, and the above mentioned net-stalking, and when he doesn't instantly reply to her messages, she accuses him of being off f^cking all these imaginary "others" instead of dropping everything to pay attention to her.

She has flat out said to him that she thinks I should have any and everything house related done during the day (while I'm homeschooling my first-grader, and chasing a toddler) so that he can come home from work, put his feet up, and talk to her all night.

Oh, and as one final anecdote, I'll share something that happened about a week ago. He was making a short road trip to pick something up from someone. She got all bent out of shape because she had all these grandiose plans about coming with him and helping him with the resulting project. At no time did it ever occur to her that maybe there wouldn't be any room in the car because ME AND THE KIDS WERE GOING TOO!!!

I'm sure it results from whatever went on in her previous affair relationship, but I truly believe that she thinks my husband and I have no relationship. In my non-credentialed-but-lifetime-of-people-watching opinion, she is ok with him being with me, but not other girlfriends, because she thinks that he and I have no relationship to speak of, and that other girlfriends would threaten his relationship with her. A relationship she is not satisfied with despite her going in fully aware that he had very limited time to spend with her.

Ok, I think I've ranted enough. I'm gonna shut up now. I hope this sets the record straight. Have a nice life everyone.
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  #49  
Old 02-08-2011, 06:15 AM
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Thanks for the other side thewife. I wish you a good life too Too bad you came here this way... please realize that no one here is against you. Everyone has a story. You are welcome here any time... you might want to change your name though heh.
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  #50  
Old 02-08-2011, 02:31 PM
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TheWife,
I think it's great that you posted here! There is a marked difference to the tone of your post in comparison to Hottie's posts -- that being the level of maturity. Basically, you sound like you have your shit together. And it's always good to get both sides of a story. Then people are able to say, "Ahh, but wait a minute..." and not just take one person's version as the gospel truth. Welcome to the forum!!! I hope you post here again, it's a great online community.
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