Very new and need advice!

Hello. I am brand new to this and have no idea how to use this site.

I met a guy (I'll call him Max) who is polyamorous. I'm not. But the thing is, I knew he was married and I was okay with it. After not quite a month of seeing each other, and me falling head over heels for this man, he told me he loved me too. I admit I cried.

Love doesn't come easy for me. It's hard for me to say it. But later that night, I told him I loved him too, which is the truth.

After that, he told me that he has another female he goes and sees. I'm not comfortable with that. I really don't know how many he is seeing. I can handle him being married, but seeing others?

I have never been in anything like this before. The only thing close was seeing a married man for nearly 10 years, but discreetly.

Can anyone give me advice how to handle this type of situation? Any info would be great.

I LOVE THIS MAN!!!

Max did not inform me in the beginning that he was polyamorous; he told me he was in an "open relationship" with his wife. Then he told me after I told him I was in love with him that he has other girlfriends too, and wants me to be one. I forgot to mention this in the previous post.

But now I am crazy about him, I just don't know how to react or act or whatever. Do I just suck it up and let it be?

Well, you went into this relationship already knowing Max was married.
Does his wife know?
Have you met her?
Has she met any of his other girlfriends?

I think if he is genuinely poly, then there's no reason you shouldn't pursue it. You say you love him.

If he's just cheating on his wife, fuck that (as polite words as I can manage. =P).

His wife does know. I have spoken to her. I haven't met her in person yet. That is happening on Monday.

I have no idea if he's brought anyone home or if his wife met them.

I just don't know how to handle the situation.

I really don't want to know when he is with others. I would really hate it if he was in the city and not seeing me. How do I cope with that?

I have always been a one-person girl... whatever that word is... too confused to even think.

I've always been in monogamous relationships myself.

I doubt he'd come into town and not at least come say hi to you. How would that show how much you mean to him?

You're feeling paranoid, not that there's anything wrong with that. Just don't act on your paranoia, because you'll almost always make a mistake. Always communicate openly and make sure you know which level the other is at. Make sure you're both doing what it takes to keep each other happy.

He already told me that he would not see me each time he is in town, as he has to keep others happy.

I pretty much only get to see him when we work together, which is not often, and not enough for me to keep me happy. In the beginning, it was constant, every other day. Now I haven't seen him in a week.

His other girlfriend comes back after the new year, so I will see him less. How am I gonna handle that, going from seeing him every other day to once in a while?

I am in a similar situation to your love. I am married to a polyamorous man, PN, and I have a mono boyfriend (who goes by Mono here). With much negotiation, Mono and I have agreed that I will not be with any other men sexually. It took a lot of talking and a lot of rearranging our lives, but it works for us and I am happy.

There is no reason why you'd have to "suck it up" and pretend that you are okay, even happy. I think that would eventually eat your heart out and make you miserable. If Max has decided he loves you, then I think I would ask him to establish with you what the boundaries to your relationship would be. That is totally reasonable.

It sounds like you require that he contact you and see you whenever he is in your city. It also sounds like he needs to start being honest about who else he is seeing.

Perhaps you could even request that he stop adding lovers to his life, as he is getting short of time enough to establish and maintain fulfilling and connected relationships as it is.

There might be more you'd want to ask him. What would you add?

People who love each other show it by doing their best to help those they love to get their needs met. This relationship is not an affair like the one you had for 10 years. This one is structured so that you can enjoy some time with Max, and legitimately ask for some of your needs to be met. It doesn't sound like he is willing and able to meet all of them. So you will have to decide if this is worth working on. Starting with communicating about some of your concerns, for clarity, what to expect, seems like a great place to start. Then you will see if you and he are up to it, on the same page. Meeting his wife was a really good first step, also.

+1 to everything Redpepper said. Very wise words.

Thanks, Redpepper.

I will ask him more questions. But I think all my questions are starting to frustrate him. We did speak a little last night and he mostly treated it like nothing was wrong. I got frustrated and logged off as he was only replying every 10 or 15 minutes.

He is on his way into my city tonight as we both are working at a New Year's Eve party. It will be better to talk in person.

His wife helped a lot too. Hell, maybe I will start a relationship with her. LOL

I would love to tell him I don't want him seeing others sexually. But I can't do that. I will ask what the boundaries are. I really don't want to know when he is seeing his other girl or girls. I think that would put me over the edge. I have asked that he not add any more, but never really got a response to that.

I know there is one other girl definitely, but I don't know how many others. Apparently this other girl is someone we both work with. So how will he divide his time once she comes back? Like say, when we work together, I have been leaving with him and spending a little amount of time with him before he drives home. Now that this other girl is coming back, who will he choose? This is where I think I will be on the backburner, cuz I was last to be added into his life. That is not cool with me. ~shrugs~

As long as you are okay with what he wants and can live with it, then there is no harm. I wonder if you want more, though. It is totally okay if you do. Asking for more might mean you lose him, but you can go slowly with that and pace your questions. It's okay to ask them, and then say you are willing to wait for a response for a few days. That is what communication is about, for me.

If a guy is not willing to answer me, or gets frustrated and blows me off for asking questions when I am not comfortable, then they are not worth it to me. Personally, I am not interested in men that don't respect communication, my emotions and concerns for my own life. I give them the respect they ask for, so I expect the same in return. It's give and take.

For me, it's self-respect to make sure I am okay with my world. Polyamory is what we make it. Poly is about our own relationship with ourselves, as much as it is about our relationships with other people. If someone can't fulfill what I want from a responsible, ethical poly-relationship partner, then I don't date them.

Maybe deciding what you think an ethically responsible relationship is would help, so that you have a foundation of your own to start from. Doing some reading here might help with that. Try doing searches for terms such as boundaries, rules, foundations. Look in the Golden Nuggets section and see if you can find something that would help, like the thread on "poly lessons learned," for instance.

I looked for that "poly lessons learned" thread and couldn't find it. I ran outta time.

*sigh* I'm just gonna let it all slide and see how I feel.

Last night pissed me off, though. Someone kept messaging his damn cell phone and he wouldn't tell me who it was. So I assumed it was his other girl. We were having a cat nap between the jobs we had booked. So no sleep for me.

Anyway, HAPPY NEW YEAR. I am gonna make some changes for myself. I'm not sure what.

I was informed that I am not allowed to see others unless I love them. I tried to tell him I'd see them only as friends, not as lovers. He said, "Nope, you can't see them."

Oh well. I gotta figure out something. LOL!!!!!!!!!

UntamedHottie said:

. . . I was informed that I am not allowed to see others unless I love them. I tried to tell him I'd see them only as friends, not as lovers. He said, "Nope, you can't see them."

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Being told with whom I am "allowed" to hang out would simply be unacceptable to me. What kind of crap is that? I choose my friends and know best who is good for me and whom I wish to have in my life. Max appears to only have his own best interest at heart, and doesn't seem to care enough about you. Can you really live with being dictated to, in that way?

Also, I think it would benefit you to examine why you find a married man who is cheating and lying more amenable than someone who is open and polyamorous. If there is any common thread in what you're written about here, it would seem to have something to do with your self-esteem and the kind of treatment by others you feel you deserve.

UntamedHottie said:

I looked for that "poly lessons learned" thread and couldnt find it...

I'm just gonna let it all slide and see how I feel. Last night pissed me off, though. Someone kept messaging his damn cell phone and he wouldn't tell me who it was. So I assume it was his other girl. We were having a cat nap between our jobs we had booked. So no sleep for me.

I am gonna make some changes for myself. I'm not sure what. I was informed that I am not allowed to see others unless I love them. I tried to tell him only as friends, but not as a lovers. He said, "Nope, you cant see them then." Oh well. I gotta figure out something. LOL!!!!!!!!!

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It sounds like you're not getting what you need out of the relationship, and he's telling you can't seek that from others.

It may be challenging, but figuring out what your needs are and communicating them compassionately seems like a useful thing to do in this situation.

You have to be willing to give up the relationship, however, if it's not meeting your needs. Love is not an excuse to subjugate your legitimate needs and desires to those of another, particularly if he's not willing acknowledge those needs and compromise as appropriate. Being willing to deal with the pain of ending a relationship early on, when it's clear you're not going to get what you need for it to be successful is healthy, and reduces your aggregate sorrow.

UntamedHottie said:

I looked for that "poly lessons learned: and couldnt find it...

*sigh* I'm just gonna let it all slide and see how I feel. Last night pissed me off though. Someone kept messaging the dam cell phone and he wouldnt tell me who it was. So I assumed it was his other girl. We were having a cat nap between our jobs we had booked. So no sleep for me.

I am gonna make some changes for myself. I'm not sure, what as I was informed I am not allowed to see others unless I love them...

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Here is the "Poly lessons we have learned" thread. http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2858

I call bullshit on Max telling you what to do. He can request that you don't, and offer you some reasons why he would struggle, talk about his feelings and concerns, but to "tell" you what you will and will not do is just bullshit. (Unless he is your Dom or Master in a BDSM way, which I suspect he isn't. If he wants to be, then that is for you to decide and negotiate.) It doesn't sound like negotiating is his way of doing things.

I wonder what his wife has been forced to put up with. Well, she wouldn't be forced, as she has free will. But if he pulls that shit on you, then what is he pulling on others?

Sorry, I know you love him, but with this new info, he sounds like a control freak that likes to collect women. Blah. That might not be true, but it might help to tell him that is how he comes across. That seems very unappealing and no way to get the respect and love that he needs.

Apparently she is the one that got him to do this poly thingy. I was just gonna go find some other guy to keep me happy in the bedroom department. But Max says I not allowed to have fuckbuddies. I gotta love the dude first. Well, I explained to him I have no other love to give, as my heart has been trampled, squashed and blended up too many times.

And yes, he is the Master (Boss) of me. I just do what I am told. But at this point, I think it's just not fair that he is allowed to make love to others, as he loves them, but I'm not allowed to have just plain old sex with NO CONNECTIONS, just satisfaction, as I am not getting enough. Once a week just doesn't cut it for me. LOL!!

Too much info... On to something else...

For the three hours that we had alone time, even though we were in the same buildings for 14 hours, this was an hour before work and two hours between jobs (which is my time with him), his cell phone kept going off constantly. I hated it. I wanted to throw the dang thing away.

When I asked if it was wifey, and how everything was at home and stuff, he didn't say anything. So I assumed it was his other girl. He kept quiet, like he was hiding. That pissed me off more. So I told him, "I hate your phone going off all the time when we are together. This is my time." The answer I got was, "Ah okay, sorry."

Do you have a master/slave or dom/sub relationship with him, or were you being sarcastic? That would really make a difference.

It sounds like you have some negotiating to do. I was told by my husband that if he and I were together then I was not to look at my phone. I realized that if I had to tell him what I was reading, then I would be uncomfortable and would feel like I was disrespecting him. I told him that I would check it to see who it was, but if it was about something that I couldn't say out loud, then I won't engage the person. They'd have to wait. That was fine with him, and it's how we do things to this day. We negotiated where the boundary would be that was comfortable for both of us.

You could do this too. Max has no say in what you do with your life unless you give him the control to do so. I am not sure why you are giving him that control and then complaining about it.

If you don't like it, then I suggest talking about it and negotiating until you come to an agreement that works for both of you. He has given his ideas about things, now you can give him yours. You don't think that is fair. So what would be fair? If he doesn't like what you think would work for you, then he can see what he can get out of what you say that he does think would work for him. It all inches closer to the boundary. Really, if you think about it, it isn't something to be upset about, as it's just a beginning, a starting line.

He is the Master. I am the slave.

He has now agreed to just see who it is, and then leave the phone alone if it's not immediate family, i.e., his wife or kids.

I do not want him to have the control over who I pick as fuckbuddies. I can't see the issue with having another person without the love connection, just friends with benefits kind of deal. You don't need to love another person to have sexual relations. I have tried to tell him that. He still doesn't agree. I will wait until Monday, when I see him in person again, to talk more about this.

UntamedHottie said:

He is the Master. I am the slave.

He has now agreed to just see who it is and then leave the phone alone if its not immediate family, i.e., wife or kids.

I don't want him to have the control over who pick as fuckbuddies. I can't see the issue with having another person without the love connection, just friends with benefits kind of deal. You don't need to love another person to have sexual relations. I have tried to tell him that and he still doesn't agree.

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I'm not exactly knowledgeable in M/s, but wouldn't him being your Master mean he actually has authority over you?

Only reason I say he is the master is cuz he is the one that makes the call on where to meet and when, blah blah blah. He is the one that is married and I am the single girl waiting for him. (Waiting is TORTURE for me.) Plus he is the master in the bedroom stuff too. But you didn't need to know that. LOL!

UntamedHottie said:

Only reason I say he is the master is cuz he is the one that makes the call on where to meet and when. blah blah blah. He is the one that is married and I am the single girl waiting for him. Plus he is the master in the bedroom stuff too...

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So you're not talking Master/slave as in Dominance & Submission/BDSM/sexual-roleplay terminology? I get the sense you're just using the term jokingly, saying he's the master. It would help to clarify your relationship for people to offer insight or answers.