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  #1  
Old 05-05-2013, 02:29 PM
lizzygirl2412 lizzygirl2412 is offline
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Good Morning All
My husband and I met someone a couple weeks ago. Things seem to be moving right along. I have really enjoyed her company and so has he.
As you all know this is my first experience in a poly relationship and I am trying to keep an open mind and take things as they come.
I do however find things moving to fast sometimes and I get this anxiety feeling in my stomach and not sure how to slow things down. I did agree to this and I do not have an exact issue with anything. Just am not sure how to deal with feeling overwhelmed.
The person that we have gotten involved with also has never been in a poly relationship and I find her agreeing to everything and holding back. Every once in a while I find her doing little petty things to try and "mark her territory" but not communiticating about what her actual problem is.
How do I work with this?? I would like for her to be able to feel like she can speak freely.
In a hurry as usual, sorry for the bits and pieces thrown out so jumbled but any advice is welcome.
Thanks
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  #2  
Old 05-05-2013, 05:40 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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What is she doing to "mark her territory"? Urinating on the walls and furniture? My advice to you is vinegar. The acid in the vinegar neutralizes the urea and ammonia in the urine, which is what gives it that characteristic bad odor. It won't harm most fabrics and surfaces. of course, a better, long-term solution would be to make sure your toilet is easy to find and always has paper on the roll. Every time you catch her "marking her territory", show her where the bathroom is and make her stay there until she uses the toilet. Eventually, she will start to go to the bathroom on her own and will stop associating urination with "marking of territory". Usually, this behaviour is common in males, especially un-neutered males; but occasionally it manifests itself in females of the species too. No one really understands why, but scientists are hard at work finding the answer(s) even as i type this.
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  #3  
Old 05-05-2013, 06:55 PM
lizzygirl2412 lizzygirl2412 is offline
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Very funny, I got a good laugh out of your response.
Marking territory by putting my toothbrush out of the holder and in the cabinet
Trying to turn 3 way communication into two way conversations ummm
Making statements that she wishes she could have him all to herself. Just
Enough to pluck my nerves and make me seem like I'm
Being irrational.
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  #4  
Old 05-05-2013, 07:55 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lizzygirl2412 View Post
Making statements that she wishes she could have him all to herself.
I've not experienced the others, but Dude use to make comments to this effect. I think it has to do with the fact that we (as members of our culture) are "trained" that this is what our partner wants to hear.

I am the "hinge" in our MFM Vee and these statements didn't sit well with me...at all. So I told him he needed to stop that shit...and he did.

JaneQ
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MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


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  #5  
Old 05-05-2013, 08:58 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Two weeks and she is there long enough to be moving toothbrushes and stuff? I say slow down. It seems like you all are moving at an accelerated rate. Why? Would it kill anyone to slow down and oh say get to know her? At two weeks in, you are still interacting with the person's representative. There is no way the true colours have had time to emerge. Is she living in the home? If not, could you tell them both that you need time with your husband without her being around? Being together too much will grate on your nerves and make you want to hurt somebody. Have boundaries been established?
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  #6  
Old 05-05-2013, 09:56 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Marking territory by putting my toothbrush out of the holder and in the cabinet.
Could be her home habits are different than yours.

Could just tell her to leave your toothbrush where you like it. Then tell her what she is welcome to do at your home:
  • Maybe she is welcome to put her own in the cabinet?
  • Maybe something else? You agree that at your house you do your style to honor your ways and when at her home you go her style to honor her ways?

Sort it out.

Quote:
Trying to turn 3 way communication into two way conversations ummm
Could just say "I'd like to participate in this conversation, please. Could I be included?" when you feel like you are not being included in the things that concern you and are reasonable for you to share in.

Quote:
Making statements that she wishes she could have him all to herself.
Could acknowledge the feeling behind the words and not get hung up on the words themselves -- "Yes. It IS hard to learn to be in a 3 people thing and find balance." and then let it GO.

Quote:
Enough to pluck my nerves and make me seem like I'm being irrational.
Is it her doing things? Or you filtering things through a nervous/anxious/or judging filter? Like you assume "ill will" somewhere like on the look out something will go wrong? Rather than assume "good will" and look out for things that will go well? Are you worried she's a cowgirl? I am confused.

Look, the "new normal" will feel weird until it becomes "just the normal."

Could not sweat this so much. Take the the time to get to know each other's style. Don't be in a hurry to sleepover/have sex.

If you think she is agreeing to everything and holding back? Not communicating about what her actual problem is?

ASK HER. Could say something like..

"I am wondering if there's a problem with ______. I wonder if you agree to everything and are holding back. Are you?

I would like for you to be able to just communicate freely. If it is too hard to speak in words like in face time, I'm also open to hearing what you have to say by phone, email or a hardcopy you write or just print and put on my desk.

How would you like for me to communicate with YOU best?"
To me this all sounds like it could be normal get to know each other stuff -- that includes boundaries.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-06-2013 at 06:30 AM.
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  #7  
Old 05-06-2013, 01:00 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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You say "keep your fucking hands off my toothbrush or else, bitch."

Seriously, that's a really personal thing, right up there with your underwear and contraceptives. Anyone i've known for only 2 weeks, whether i'm fucking them or not, does not even THINK about TOUCHING my toothbrush, forget about moving it from its rightful place in the bathroom. Who the FUCK does she think she IS? That's like rearranging my furniture or taking away my coffee and replacing it with decaf. Who DOES that in someone else's house? I've been MARRIED for over 10 YEARS and even my own SPOUSE doesn't do shit like that.

She wants your man. She's trying to take your place.
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  #8  
Old 05-06-2013, 04:24 AM
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nancyfore nancyfore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
You say "keep your fucking hands off my toothbrush or else, bitch."

Seriously, that's a really personal thing, right up there with your underwear and contraceptives. Anyone i've known for only 2 weeks, whether i'm fucking them or not, does not even THINK about TOUCHING my toothbrush, forget about moving it from its rightful place in the bathroom. Who the FUCK does she think she IS? That's like rearranging my furniture or taking away my coffee and replacing it with decaf. Who DOES that in someone else's house? I've been MARRIED for over 10 YEARS and even my own SPOUSE doesn't do shit like that.

She wants your man. She's trying to take your place.

What he said!!!!!! agree....
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  #9  
Old 05-06-2013, 04:51 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by nancyfore View Post
What he said!!!!!! agree....


Oh yeah i almost forgot - dump her too.

"mark her territory"... Pfeh. Since when is your bathroom and toothbrush "her territory".

If someone has the nerve to do that TWO WEEKS after meeting you, what will they do in two months? Feed you roofies and floss your teeth while you're passed out? At least you won't need dental insurance.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 05-06-2013 at 04:56 AM.
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  #10  
Old 05-06-2013, 04:54 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default Is she on medication?

I would try to get her to see a different doctor or if she's an animal a different vet. Not everybody is good at what they do for a living, this is especially true of doctors and automechanics.

I once had a friend in Arizona that went to see a doctor because she got a bad sunburn, the guy was some quack from Ohio who tried to tell her she had cancer and when she didn't think a sunburn was cancer he hacked her email and myspace account then proceeded to stalk her and any male friends. The crazy thing was he was all poly this and poly that, some doctors need medication a heck of a lot more than the patients they are supposedly treating.

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 05-06-2013 at 04:56 AM. Reason: typo
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