Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 07-13-2013, 10:57 PM
riftara riftara is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: GA / TX
Posts: 188
Default new boyfriend is unsure...

my new boyfriend is likely mono, and he is having issues with the poly thing. He is trying to accept it.

Can anyone give my some advice on how to handle this or what I can do to help?
__________________
- For the pursuit of happiness, not the sit around and wait for happiness -
Jen - bi female
John (Juntas)- husband


M - John's girlfriend
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 07-13-2013, 11:09 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richardson, TX
Posts: 1,340
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by riftara View Post
my new boyfriend is likely mono, and he is having issues with the poly thing. He is trying to accept it.

Can anyone give my some advice on how to handle this or what I can do to help?
Does he want your help with his issues? If so, what help does he want? If he asks you to do something and you are 100% comfortable with doing it... then do that.

Unless you intend to make yourself his personal psychotherapist all you need to do is what comes natural. If you are physically affectionate then be physically affectionate, if you are hands off and let people do their own thing then be hands off and let him do his own thing, if you are a nagging busy body then... well... I guess do that lol. Either way, don't try to fashion a set of behaviors which are not your own and avoid getting into someones business if they don't want you there.
__________________
Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 07-14-2013, 01:20 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,922
Default

Riftara,
Didn't you give a talk on poly at your Unitarian Church recently? And didn't you field questions about it? You could just ask him what his issues are and answer his questions as thoughtfully as you did for the people who showed up to hear your talk. You can't make his choices for him, or solve anything he is wrestling with, but you can be open and honest in sharing infomation.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 07-14-2013, 01:34 AM
riftara riftara is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: GA / TX
Posts: 188
Default

thanks, i love when you give the advice that people really need to hear
__________________
- For the pursuit of happiness, not the sit around and wait for happiness -
Jen - bi female
John (Juntas)- husband


M - John's girlfriend
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 07-14-2013, 03:05 AM
Vixtoria's Avatar
Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 299
Default

Um, sorry, but what were you looking for? A magic pill or book that suddenly makes him 'okay' with everything? Read around, there's not such thing and this question has been asked over and over by many many people. People in long term mono relationships, people starting out. Here's the two main points you've been given so far.


1) If you just gave a talk about poly to a church, you should have the answers you need. Now you just need the questions. Ask him what questions he has so you can answer them!

2) Communication. All you can do is be open honest and talk to him.


Let him do the internal work he needs to. But if you came here wanting all these answers on how to MAKE someone suddenly accept and/or love poly, you so shouldn't have given ANYONE information on poly. Or mono. Or dating. At all.
__________________
Me: Late 30s pansexual poly.
DH: My husband of 19 yrs and father of 3 teen girls.
DC: LDR of +4 year
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 07-15-2013, 08:23 PM
riftara riftara is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: GA / TX
Posts: 188
Default

I hve no intention of making him poly, he wants to be accepting and make things work.

I just needed some help with how to help him, and everyone was right, i needed a reminder that all I can do is answer his questions, assure him, and do what he wants that I feel comfortable doing.
__________________
- For the pursuit of happiness, not the sit around and wait for happiness -
Jen - bi female
John (Juntas)- husband


M - John's girlfriend
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 07-16-2013, 12:24 AM
PolyPaulie's Avatar
PolyPaulie PolyPaulie is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 9
Default

One of my current boyfriends had similar feelings, and moved past them. It took him a while to realize that my relationships with other people did not affect my relationship with him.

My advice to you is just to educate him as well as you can. Send him educational links or get him on here! The more he understands about polyamory, and about how you would like your relationship to be, the better. And then you can talk about your feelings from there. And make sure he knows that jealousy is a normal feeling that people have that its possible to overcome and work through.
__________________
Pan, Poly, Paulie, from PA
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:07 PM.