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Old 04-24-2013, 03:19 PM
Tsukune Tsukune is offline
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Default Advice needed

Hi everyone. For those who don't know me my name is Tsukune, I'm in a poly relationship. I'm the second in it. They have been going out for a little over 2 years and I started dating her 4 months ago. We've recently had a few issues which we've been working on, by we I mean me and her.

The reason for this topic is that I need some advice.
It was pointed out to me by her that I don't seem to be as happy I think. I'm not going to lie, I'm not. I know I come second to her and at times it hurts. I only get to see her a for a few hours a couple times a week, and for most of that time he is around. Don't get me wrong I like hanging out with both of them, me and are friends, but I realize that's not enough for me. I want to be able to spend more time, time which she doesn't have. She thinks that I should find myself another girl, actually in her words she wants me to find a "Hot bisexual Redhead" she was joking. She thinks, and I agree, that having someone who puts me first is what I need. I would like advice. Should I find someone else? If I do I know that I'd end up putting whoever it is first, how could I not? However, I don't know how that would affect me and her. Honestly all I want is to be with her. If that means I find someone else, then I guess I should.

p.s Writing this out helped me work some of it out, but I'd still really appreciate any advice. Also let me know if I should clarify anything
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  #2  
Old 04-24-2013, 06:53 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is online now
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First off my advice to anyone who says they are not happy is why stay? Never make someone a priority who views you as an option.

Why do you not get time alone with your gf? Is her OSO insecure? Does he require that?

Have you asked for more time? What was her answer?

I am the hinge between my husband and my boyfriend. I split my time 60/40 most of the time between the two of them. Most of that is due to my bf's schedule. I would prefer 50/50 but where life is right now that isn't going to happen. I will either go spend the day/night at my boyfriend's house when he is off either solo or with my children depending on my husband's schedule. Or r he will come spend the day/night with me. My husband will spend the night in the spare bedroom those nights. Where there is a will there is a way.

Do you want someone else? If so then go for it.

Why do there have to be first and second class people in relationships. Why not care/love them for who they are as individuals?
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #3  
Old 04-24-2013, 07:02 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Correct me if I am wrong ok? But I perceive this as... "I'm not as happy as I could be in my relationship as a secondary right now."
Could you clarify or elaborate on these?


I know I come second to her and at times it hurts.
(Why? Because of something she does/does not do? Or something you do/do not do?)

I only get to see her a for a few hours a couple times a week, and for most of that time he is around.
(Since time shared with her is precious, do you want more of that time ALONE with her? Have you asked? )

I want to be able to spend more time, time which she doesn't have.
(More time in general? Will things in future change the amount of time shared? Like if she's a student will graduation change time available? Or her work schedule changes? Or yours? )

She thinks that I should find myself another girl, actually in her words she wants me to find a "Hot bisexual Redhead" she was joking.
(Would you rather she empathize with you when you disclose rather than joke when you disclose your feelings?)

Honestly all I want is to be with her.
(Are you ok paying the current "price of admission" to get to be with her? Because she comes as a package with the other Sweetie, and the limitations on her time are what they are. Is this enough for you to be happy long term if NOTHING changes?)

Do you enjoy polyshipping?
Do you enjoy polyshipping in a primary-secondary open relationship model or prefer a different model?
Do you enjoy polyshipping in a primary-secondary open relationship model with these particular players?

That's 3 different things there to answer. Maybe answering those could help you pinpoint some of where the UGH lies?

Lots to think about there. I suggest that you could think about what needs you have that are not being met and what it could take to meet them so you can feel happier. Including thinking about not being in this any more if you find the price of admission is more than you want to pay. Think about ALL the possible options here, don't leave any out in your process.

Then figure out which option is best for YOU in the long term. Even if it means some short term UGH to endure while sorting it all out inside yourself.

Hang in there.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-24-2013 at 07:13 PM.
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  #4  
Old 04-25-2013, 02:24 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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There are basically 2 kinds of "relationship-people".

1) The people who are goal-oriented. They want marriage, house, kids, family, structure. They see relationships as something with expectations to be met and roles to be filled.

2) The people who are experience-oriented. This may not be the best terminology but it's the closest I could think of to describe what I am thinking. Also, this is not necessarily preclusive nor exclusive of "having goals" but is less about expectations and roles. Usually experience-oriented relationship-people are less concerned about accomplishing things within or via a relationship and are more about taking things as they come and working with what they find.

Figure out which one is more your style. Choose your partners accordingly.
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