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Old 04-23-2013, 11:39 PM
Jokerfwb Jokerfwb is offline
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Default Confused but excited with questions??

I am new to here so first hello. *I am a 34 year old male. *I have a situation that I could use some advise on. I believe this may be the beginnings of a poly relationship. This may ramble a bit my thoughts and emotions here are quite jumbled.

A little background first. My wife and I have been married for 9 yrs this Sept. We have three children a 2yr old girl, 4 yr old boy, and 7 yr old daughter. Our sexual / intimate side of our marriage has been hurting a lot over the last 5 yrs or so. Sex is very few and far between and intimacy is almost none existent, which is mostly my fault. *I love her very much and she says the same. Recently a friend that my wife has been hanging out with for a yr off and on came by the house to hang out and one thing lead to another and some fooling around took place. Nothing more then kissing an touching. Since that first experience things have escalated a lot, over the past few months. My wife and her are developing something. My wife says she is unsure of what it is right now, until the bright and shinny newness wears off, but she believes it could go on to a loving relationship. *I myself have not had much chance to get know my wife's friend, something me and her are going to remedy. Neither of us want to have our interactions be based solely on a sexual desire. This whole situation started as just having fun but has now developed into something much more for my wife and her friend.

Now to the root of my question. My wife tells me she does not want me in an intimate way and she is not sure if she ever will. She will have sex with me and do other things while all three of us are interacting. Alone is a different story. She has also told me that because of this development with her friend she has questioning her sexual orientation and she wonders if maybe she only likes girls and that is her reason for not wanting an intimate relationship with me. None of this is set in stone and may change next week, my wife says. Although the intimacy issue has been going on for years. I have just accepted it. Now with our new situation, and seeing my wife with her friend has just brought it to the fore front, for me, they are quite intimate. That doesn't make me angry per-say but hurt a bit, sometimes. For instance the other night I was completely left out and I'm not quite sure how I should feel about that.

My wife knows all of this and she has basically said I need to get over it (in regards to the lack of inmate interaction) and see what happens. She tells me that nothing has changed from before this all started in regards to her feelings toward me, so why is there a problem. I tell her that I was unhappy before and in regards to that aspect of our life I am still unhappy. She doesn't want to talk to her friend about our problem because my wife says in doesn't concern her, it is our deal and that is it. Now , I'm not sure if my wife means that or just doesn't want to talk to her friend about this because she is afraid it may send her running. I'm confused here as to what is right in these regards? *I don't want to cause waves. Since her friend has been part of our lives both my wife an I feel that our relationship has become stronger. We talk more and are more open with our feelings. That being said I feel that I am coming to fill a secondary role and my wife and her friend are becoming primary. They are pretty hot and heavy and really into each other.

I could go on and on but that is enough and hopefully you all can give me some advise on how to understand this new, confusing, but exciting situation.
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Old 04-23-2013, 11:51 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Hi and welcome

Did you try any marriage counseling in the past 5 yrs ?
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  #3  
Old 04-24-2013, 12:53 AM
Jokerfwb Jokerfwb is offline
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Unfortunately our financial situation has not allowed it and we don't have anyone that we can rely on steadily to watch our kids. We did try once but finding babysitters was to difficult. It would help I'm sure. We have read books and tried to do some work books but never stuck to it.
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Old 04-24-2013, 01:21 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jokerfwb View Post
Unfortunately our financial situation has not allowed it and we don't have anyone that we can rely on steadily to watch our kids. We did try once but finding babysitters was to difficult. It would help I'm sure. We have read books and tried to do some work books but never stuck to it.
One thought, if your wife talked to her friend about these things (which I think is a good idea anyway - how can you develop a relationship with someone if you keep significant parts of you life from them?), AND she was willing, would you be OK with her watching your kids while you went to counseling IF you didn't object to an equal amount of time for them alone to develop their relationship? Just a thought (you and your wife get counseling nights on Tuesdays and she and your wife get date-nights on Thursdays)...

JaneQ
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TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
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  #5  
Old 04-24-2013, 01:45 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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I'm not being critical or judgmental here... I hope I don't sound that way. I just am having trouble seeing where the cookies are for you and how this is healthy for you to be in based on this post alone.

Where are the cookies for you?

Are you content in a marriage where sex with wife only happens in a group sex context with her GF? How is this better than the sexless/low sex marriage of 2 in the long term?

How's the GF feel about all that? Oh, you don't know how GF feels because the wife doesn't plan to tell her and does not want you to tell your shared lover either? Even though you all might share group sex? That's sounds weird to me. Less than honest on both you and your wife's part to the GF. The GF is getting lies of omission. That's not cool.

How are you feeling? Poly hell article things -- demotion, displacement, intrusion?

Quote:
My wife knows all of this and she has basically said I need to get over it (in regards to the lack of inmate interaction) and see what happens. She tells me that nothing has changed from before this all started in regards to her feelings toward me, so why is there a problem. I tell her that I was unhappy before and in regards to that aspect of our life I am still unhappy.
How are you feeling with the lack of support/nurture/empathy from wife? Her telling you to just get over it on your own? And her POV since she was happy before, all is well in your shared married world, right? You don't get a voice in the marriage? That's an odd attitude to me. She doesn't have to worry about the care and keeping of her husband's emotional needs or well being in a marriage by providing some support/nurture at times?

Don't confuse finally getting SOME of your sex connection and emotional connection needs met by wife with long term marriage improvement things.

Could she be giving you partial cookies for now just to get what she wants? (ex: get to be with the GF?) And once achieved, she's going to be emotionally distant again?

She doesn't sound hot on full disclosure here. Or meeting other people's needs.

If she can't run a 2 people thing with you in open, honest healthy ways... I don't see how she can run a 3 people thing with you and GF. One of your poly players there seems kinda weak.

If she's come to find her sexual orientation is actually lesbian and she is not into men? It could be kinder to divorce and learn to co-parent the kids and leave you BOTH free to find romance in the shape you both can be happiest in. Be co-parenting friends than two people in open marriage weirdness.

Could sort it out. Starting with you first -- what do YOU want out of life. Is this it?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-24-2013 at 01:58 AM.
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Old 04-24-2013, 02:06 AM
Jokerfwb Jokerfwb is offline
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Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
One thought, if your wife talked to her friend about these things (which I think is a good idea anyway - how can you develop a relationship with someone if you keep significant parts of you life from them?), AND she was willing, would you be OK with her watching your kids while you went to counseling IF you didn't object to an equal amount of time for them alone to develop their relationship? Just a thought (you and your wife get counseling nights on Tuesdays and she and your wife get date-nights on Thursdays)...

JaneQ
That is a good idea. I have no problem with them going and doing there own thing. The way I look at is if my wife is happy so am I, for the most part. The only stumbling block with what you mentioned is my wife would have to tell her friend. Which she doesn't want to because she is afraid it will scare her friend away. Her friend will think that she is going to cause problems in our marriage, she has had some other poly relationships that have not ended well.


My biggest issue right now is I want an intimate relationship with my wife. I want the intensity that i see with them. My wife has said to try and find that with her friend. But, i'm not sure about that. I would prefer my wife and i worry that if i try to find that with her friend i will find that I can't do that and then i don't know what to do because I may find then that i don't want to do sexual things with them anymore. Then a decision will have to made as to how to procede, and my wife has told me that she will not give this up.

A lot of my problem is i over think situations. After typing all this I wondering if I just need to find a way to put these emotions on a back burner and let things develop?
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Old 04-24-2013, 02:19 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hello Jokerfwb,
Welcome to our forum.

Re:
Quote:
"My wife knows all of this and she has basically said I need to get over it (in regards to the lack of inmate interaction) and see what happens. She tells me that nothing has changed from before this all started in regards to her feelings toward me, so why is there a problem. I tell her that I was unhappy before and in regards to that aspect of our life I am still unhappy."
This needs to be addressed somehow. Is your wife giving you the okay to date anyone besides her friend? How would you feel about that? What about your intimacy with your wife? Even if she has identified as lesbian, isn't there some way she can have a close emotional relationship with you?

I think that your wife's friend should know more about the situation in your marriage ... just my opinion.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 04-24-2013, 02:51 AM
Jokerfwb Jokerfwb is offline
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Default @GalaGirl

Wow Galagirl. That is basically everything that is going threw my head. I guess it is just so much stuff I'm not sure were to start to deal with it all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
How are you feeling with the lack of support/nurture/empathy from wife? Her telling you to just get over it on your own? And her POV since she was happy before, all is well in your shared married world, right? You don't get a voice in the marriage? That's an odd attitude to me. She doesn't have to worry about the care and keeping of her husband's emotional needs or well being in a marriage by providing some support/nurture at times?
Galagirl
In regards to this. I definitely do not feel happy about the response. Although I have kind of "beat a dead horse" in talking about this one thing. If my wife and I had a good sexual/intimate relationship between just us. I would have absolutely no issues. But unfortunately that isn't the case and I know that something like that can't be forced it has to grow again. I have to admit that I am to blame for the death of our intimacy. I have been inattentive and quite critical over the past 6 years of things my wife does or doesn't do right and I have been working on changing that even before this situation arose.
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Old 04-24-2013, 03:17 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Glad I did not offend. You def have a LOT going on there.

If you too are thinking these things -- GOOD. You are trying to look out for your own well being and best healths -- mental health, emotional health, physical health, spiritual health.

Lay it out on the table and talk to wife. If she refuses to hear or take your into consideration... could accept that she refuses to work with you. She's no longer present in this marriage.

Quote:
Which she doesn't want to because she is afraid it will scare her friend away.
I think it is more like "I do not want to be honest because I am afraid that if I am honest, the friend will choose not to be with me in a messy situation and then I do not get what I want. So I rather leave things out to get what I want."

Not kind to the friend.

Or to you -- telling you not to tell the friend and be wife's "lies of omission" accomplice.

Look, YOU could be radically honest. Don't have group sex when all things are NOT cool with all players and tell the friend straight up why.

Let wife deal with her own honesty/lack of honesty behaviors and the natural consequences of that.

At least YOU could be behaving ethically with the friend and the friend can choose what she wants to participate in or not will full info.

Quote:
A lot of my problem is i over think situations. After typing all this I wondering if I just need to find a way to put these emotions on a back burner and let things develop?
If you let things develop with the GF?

That is still YOUR needs not being met. Either by you or the wife.

I don't think you are overthinking. I think wife is underthinking/not caring about her spouse's well being or her GF's well being. She's just after her own cookies. That's selfish-osity.

I also do not suggest ignoring how you feel. Feelings are one of the senses just like sight, hearing, touch, taste, smell are senses. It may not be FUN to feel right now, but it won't kill you. Pay attention instead. Feelings are your flags to something going on -- in this case your needs NOT being met here. If you smell burning in the house, you check it out right? You don't ignore that sense giving you the heads up. If you feel crap, you check out what is happening in your life to cause this right? Why ignore that sense giving you the heads up?

Rather than stuffing the feelings down and away -- express the feelings and make honest requests of your spouse to get more of what you need. She may or may not be willing to meet your need. But you can always ASK. Then you can know where you stand.
  • Ask the wife if she's willing to work to meet your needs.
  • Ask the wife if she's willing to tell you what needs of hers you are not meeting.

So the marriage can return to right relationship and all can be well.

Quote:
I have been inattentive and quite critical over the past 6 years of things my wife does or doesn't do right and I have been working on changing that even before this situation arose.
It's fine that you are willing to try. But if she is not willing to try back? Your effort is for naught. 100% of your effort is still only 50% of the fuel the marriage needs to run well. Where is she? If she's not willing to be present and participate in the marriage? 50% is still an "F" grade. Marriage is not going to sustain itself on that alone.

You could be willing to face this problem and resolve it yourself. Accept the limitations -- she's not a participating player in the marriage. She does not met your needs any more. Then decide what to do about it -- up to and including ending marriage and creating the co-parenting agreements that need to be to provide for the children. And making provisions for her to leave the marriage sanely and safely and provisions for you to leave the marriage sanely and safely.

Being all "ostrich" about it and ignoring how you feel and ignoring your unmet needs is not you treating yourself kindly and choosing self respecting behavior. And that's going to show up over time as a kick to the self esteem bucket.

This is not fun, and I'm sorry you are going through this. It's terrible.

But when facing stinky choices in life -- be brave, man up and choose well. WHICH one stinks the least then? Could pick that.

Hang in there.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-24-2013 at 03:25 AM.
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Old 04-24-2013, 07:59 PM
Jokerfwb Jokerfwb is offline
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GalaGirl - I really like your advise. It has helped me put a lot in order in my head.

Right now I am processing it all and i will be talking to my Wife and basically use a lot of what you said.

In the mean time I have another question. We were having a what if discussion, my wife and I. Basically is was if in 6 months or a year her and GF have stronger feelings such as in love feelings and I say I'm not okay with this anymore because I am not getting the things I want. And, that i don't know that i would be okay with her continue the relationship either. What happens?

Her response was she would be resentful and we would probably get a divorce. She said it would be wrong of me to have allowed her to get into this position where she could develop feelings for someone and then tell her it was not okay anymore.

Now the is all conjecture and it will probably never happen like that. But how should I look at that. Would I be wrong, is she wrong for saying we would be over.

This is all new to be. I and my wife never thought anything like this would come along. So if I'm rambling or asking weird things i apologize. Its all just a lot to take in at first. The article you posted "Are you in Poly Hell?" was especially good. After reading it, unfortunately that is how i feel to a T. Although is seemed to be more aimed at people with a primary relationship and one person has a secondary relationship and the two are kept separate.

But I am going to shut up know and write some thoughts down based on the things you have said and talk to my wife and try and get around to having a sit down talk with my wife and her friend.

Thanks for now. If you have anything else you would like to add not related to my direct issue, just random advise for situations like this please do. Articles are helpful as well.
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