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  #731  
Old 04-12-2013, 09:02 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Happy Birthday
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  #732  
Old 04-12-2013, 10:41 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Happy Birthday!

Fluid bonding at this point - you've been involved for, what, a month or so? - seems really premature. This is super new. He sounds fabulous and things are off to a great start but y'all have just started getting to know each other intimately (physically, emotionally, mentally). There is no harm to talking about it and learning about each other's partners, sexual histories, risk tolerances and all that. But whoa nelly! Even revisiting it in two months time seems to be a fast timetable. This is total obviousness but just because everything else happened fast with this relationship doesn't mean fluid bonding should happen quickly or ever.
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  #733  
Old 04-12-2013, 11:45 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Thanks for the wishes, ladies.

And thank you for the advice, Opal!! I could really use perspectives on this topic.

We're on the road to the club. Gia has been ordering me around all night, it's been terribly fun. And, fortuitously, Clay texted me just now, apologized for being too busy to get in touch earlier, said he'd read my email and was thinking things over, and wished me the happiest of birthdays. I think I am now well and truly capable of having a non-distracted night.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #734  
Old 04-13-2013, 12:21 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Happy Birthday!
I can't see any reason he would not be OK with your request, I will chime in though since even though he texted you and you feel like it will be OK, I have a feeling you might find an excuse to panic about it again

My newer partner who got very serious very quickly, also brought up very early that he's interested in being fluid bonded if that ends up working for me down the road. Since other people's sexual health can be affected by my decisions, I tend to wait 6 months to bring up not using condoms for oral sex with new partners. At that point I'll talk to my husband (since if he says he's not OK with it, it wont happen)/other LTRs (to inform them of my decision). I haven't ever been fluid bonded for intercourse with more than one person at a time, but I'd probably wait at least a year because I'd prefer my husband doesn't bring up going condom-less with new partners either for at least that long.

I just told the new bf that I'll check in with my other partners and him as it gets closer to 6 months. Because I'd love to ditch the condoms for oral sooner than later, I have already talked to my husband to let him know where I was at, but it takes the pressure off of me to do anything other than wait. Maybe I'll bring it up sooner, maybe I won't, but I like knowing that I have the time to think about it.

When I saw that you were already talking about it I was a bit surprised at the speed but you're the best judge of what is right for you. And no, I don't think its crazy to consider fluid bonding with somebody who is dating a sex worker. There's nothing wrong with taking time to make sure you are perfectly OK with it, that he's not just on his best behavior because of NRE, that he is correct about Izzy not taking on new clients, and that you don't regret any decisions you make. The fact that you are second guessing yourself a bit means you should listen to yourself. You were clear about what you wanted in your email, and thats about the best relationship skill I can think of. It's also OK if in two months you still aren't sure one way or another and don't HAVE a final answer you're comfortable with, cut yourself some slack!
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  #735  
Old 04-13-2013, 12:46 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Happy Birthday!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
It's also OK if in two months you still aren't sure one way or another and don't HAVE a final answer you're comfortable with, cut yourself some slack!
^^This. I think it'd be okay to treat it as more like a check-in if the answer that works for you at that point in time is something like, "Not at this time. How about if we revisit the idea in 6 months?" (or however long works for you). That's a firm FOR NOW answer, but leaves the door open to future possibilities (without either of you driving yourself crazy wondering "When??").

Hope you have/had a GREAT time tonight!!
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  #736  
Old 04-13-2013, 02:22 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I think Opalescent and Anneintherain mostly said what I would have - that it's wa-a-aaaaay too soon for fluid bonding and that it's okay if your answer in two months is that you are still unsure.


Personally, I don't understand why people attach so much importance to going without condoms. Most of the early years of my sexual life (which started in the mid-1970s) was pretty much condomless. I always used birth control but no condoms regularly until the early '90s - and I was quite promiscuous. So, I was always used to sticky sex, and loved it.

Since the 90s, it's been "no glove no love" about 90% of my single life (I admit I wasn't always diligent about it). Of course, when I was married, we never used condoms (we were monogamous and my husband had had a vasectomy). Since we separated, it's back to condoms again and now it's 100%. I still would love to have sticky sex again someday, without any worries, and one benefit of being so experienced in going with bareback is that the idea of fluids don't bother me like they do some people (as in thinking it's just gross), but the reality in this day and age is that safety is an important factor, so I accept that have to really, really know someone very, very well before I ever engage in sticky sex again.

And the truth is, as far as PIV, I really can't tell the difference, especially if we use ultra-thin condoms. So, to me, there is far too much hype and idealizing going on about fluid bonding. I'm not judging you for considering it, and it is a big deal, but I just don't think it really makes the sex that much more enjoyable - and especially NOT if you will be worried about the possible consequences in the back of your mind all the time (with a sex worker for a metamour). Full and complete trust, honesty, and openness has to be there and well-established, before doing so. You might find that peace of mind is much more valuable to you than a negligible difference in sensation. I just thought I'd share that in case it helps.

Oh! And Happy Birthday!!!
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-13-2013 at 02:34 AM.
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  #737  
Old 04-13-2013, 11:32 AM
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Mya Mya is offline
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I'm a bit late, but happy birthday anyway! Hope you had a great night!
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  #738  
Old 04-13-2013, 06:04 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I will chime in though since even though he texted you and you feel like it will be OK, I have a feeling you might find an excuse to panic about it again
Haha, it's like you know me or something.

Honestly though, I'm feeling pretty calm and secure right now. Obviously, my preference would have been that he just say "I read your email and that all sounds totally great, agreed." But if he wants to talk about it, that's fine. Maybe he's just not comfortable with any topic being taboo. We'll discuss it and come to a workable compromise, I feel really confident about that. I trust his heart and his sense.

And, hey, on the off chance I'm wrong about his heart/sense... last night, while out with Gia having an AWESOME time, I found myself thinking "I can live without him. I don't want to, it would suck so very, very hard to lose him. I want to love him indefinitely, and I want to be loved by him indefinitely. But if something comes up that signals to me that I need to leave, in the end I'll do what's right for me, I know that more than I know anything else. I can live without him."
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #739  
Old 04-13-2013, 06:07 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Thanks for the input Anne, Nyc, and TGIG. Reading your different perspectives is like seeing the various sides of the conversation taking place in my own head. It's very helpful, I appreciate it.

And thanks for the birthday wishes (especially your ultra-colorful one, Nyc)!!!! It did turn out to be a very happy birthday. Gia took lots of time and energy to make me feel amazing, and I helped maneuver things such that, by the end of the night, she was totally making out with her crush. Good times.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #740  
Old 04-13-2013, 11:22 PM
crisplove crisplove is offline
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Happy Birthday Annabel:-)

Just wanted to de-lurk to give you good wishes.
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