the story of a secondary

[MeeraReed]

I'm so glad to hear this! I've been concerned that you weren't getting what you really needed/wanted with Gia & Eric. (Not that you needed to get everything from one person, but you know what I mean.)

If things keep going well with Clay, I think things will go even better with Gia too, because the pressure on her will be less.

Keep us posted!

[nycindie]

Wow!!!

[Mya]

Oooooo!! I'm so happy for you, all this sounds wonderful!

[AnnabelMore]

Originally Posted by MeeraReed

I'm so glad to hear this! I've been concerned that you weren't getting what you really needed/wanted with Gia & Eric. (Not that you needed to get everything from one person, but you know what I mean.)

If things keep going well with Clay, I think things will go even better with Gia too, because the pressure on her will be less.

Keep us posted!

Thank you! Yeah, I've gotten enough from her, and from them, to make it very worth my while to stay engaged, but it's definitely been frustrating and difficult at times that it hasn't been more. I agree that things are likely to be smoother with Gia going forward.

Lovely thing about my relationship with Gia, actually -- a week and a half ago, she miscalculated how much of her anxiety medication she had left and ran out. She was out for a full week. It was an intense, emotional time for her. There are parts of herself that she misses when she's on the meds, and she had those back. She thought about staying off. I listened and provided gentle feedback without trying to push her either way on such a big, personal decision. I learned some things about her, it was a fascinating and delicate period that I just didn't have time to write about here.

At the end of the week, she decided to go back on the meds. Apparently she felt she'd learned something about me too, because she sent me a long message thanking me for my support and telling me how much she trusts me and how extraordinary that is. It was deeply gratifying to read. She has huge trust issues, and they've come up as a barrier between us before. Just as my life as a whole feels at a turning point, perhaps this particular relationship has reached a crucial turning point too.

[AnnabelMore]

Davis took it really hard, the fact that this happened so soon after we broke up. He almost fell apart, it was very hard to watch. But he held it together. The way he handled it demonstrates a large part of why I respect him so much and want to stay associated with him. Because he was able to say "I feel replaced, betrayed, disposable... and yet I know those feelings are irrational and unfair to you, and I'm going to handle this."

I suggested giving him space, but he badly wanted my company, so I stayed with him. He shouldn't be so isolated, he should have someone else aside from the person who's causing him pain to turn to for comfort. He admitted that he thinks he may be on the edge of a major depressive episode. I asked him, for the millionth time, to get into therapy. He said he would look into it.

[fuchka]

My reaction to reading how it went down with Clay, on your tumblr: "Aw baby, that's awesome" (I said this out loud, ha) Spectacular, to find someone how complements you like that! Good for you

Sorry that Davis is taking it hard. Hope he gets what he needs

*hugs*

[Anneintherain]

I feel like I should elaborate on *hug* - from the post you made before you met, it seemed to THIS internet stranger at least, that it was going to that important relationship place with the L word showing up, before you even met. I know that's a big deal, and I am hoping that it works out well, whatever road it takes.

I also want to say that you have me thinking hard (omg I'm a 12 yo boy? I can't not think thats a hilarious pun....) about bdsm and what I want from my relationships. 3 partners all pretty vanilla - I appreciate you talking about what you want and what you are/aren't getting are/aren't seeking, it helps me think about what really is or isn't important in my life and how I want to conduct the relationships I have, and what I want to actively seek if I can't find what I want in the places I'm already at. I really have my fingers crossed that your next date(s) with him just keep getting better.

[Cleo]

I read you tumblr blog and it struck so many chords with me. Very happy for you!

Your posts (here and on your tumblr) are always challenging and interesting to me because I have so little experience with D/s dynamics and have only just begun to explore this with one of my lovers. Your take on it, the way you describe it help me in making me feel that these things are not weird or strange and help me accept my new found desires. Thank you for that.

[AnnabelMore]

I want to say a huge thank you to everyone for their well wishes, hugs, and positive comments.

To Anne and Cleo, it's wonderful to hear that my journey is helping you think about the role of kink in your own lives. I tend to think of my blogging as pretty self-indulgent, so knowing that people are getting useful stuff out of it, especially on a topic that can be so hard to talk about and understand sometimes, is just really cool.

That first encounter wasn't a fluke, for the record.

He was going to see someone last night, but she had to cancel, so he asked if I wanted to go to a bondage-themed party with him. I didn't have anything special planned, so I happily agreed. It was just as fulfilling as before to see him, touch him, and just to be near him. He seemed very happy to see me too. I got to meet a bunch of his friends, and overall they were very warm, laid back, and interesting people.

He tied me up for the first time, in an elaborate and exciting way. He loves rope, and is very experienced with it, so this was a moment we had both been anticipating.

Picture the scene -- we're at a house party full of people, in a corner of the living room that's been set aside for tying people up in interesting ways. I'm wearing nothing but a pair of lacy underwear and some striped socks, he's fully dressed. I'm on my knees covered in intricate knots, he's bent down attaching more. I'm smiling at him dreamily. He glances at my face, grins, and quickly looks away. Then he says, in a quiet, happy voice, "Why am I the one feeling shy when you're the one," he gestures at me, encompassing my nudity and my bound condition, "like this?"

Cutest ever.

We went back to his place and did some more fun things together. It was much more gentle and slow than it had been before. I love the rough stuff, but I didn't miss it, I was in the moment. After, we talked in depth about our other relationships, about ourselves, and about what he and I are doing. He expressed how honored and awed and pleased my feelings for him made him, and said that he felt very strongly about me, but wanted to wait until he felt perfectly sure to say the L word. I told him that I understood perfectly, and didn't need to hear it on any particular timetable.

And it was true, I felt completely unconcerned about something that normally might have been difficult to handle. The simple fact was, I felt love constantly from him, in the reverent way he touched me, in the intense way he looked at me, in the insightful and considerate things he said to me, in the way he was being so incredibly open with me about his various struggles and hopes, in the way he was throwing himself into this as headlong as I was. What's in a word?

We slept beside each other again. I thought he had fallen asleep. "Thank you," he said clearly. "What for?" I asked. He said nothing. It occurred to me that he was, in fact, asleep. "Well, you're welcome," I said.

In the morning, after some more wonderful, gentle sexual activity, he pulled me close to him. Then he separated from me, looked in my face, and told me that he loved me. I just smiled and smiled and smiled.

We talked some more. He told me that he had imagined what sorts of collars I'd look good in, what it would feel like to collar me, and thought that perhaps that was a road we could go down in the future if I wanted. He mentioned the idea that, if we got one that locked, he could wear the key to my collar as its own piece of jewelry (this is by no means something all key-holders do, and would sort of mark him as mine just as much as I'd be his). It was my turn to react much as he'd done when I told him I loved him for the first time -- not unhappy, but a little thrown and needing time to process it. And yet, I'm sure that I'll say yes, in time.

I might be meeting his partner Izzy tomorrow night at another party (he stays busy in the local scene, helps to run some things). He has a couple of other folks he considers partners in addition to her and me, but they both live in adjoining states, so she's by far the biggest presence in his life. They've been together two and a half years. I'm excited about getting to know her.

I still know in theory that this is all happening insanely fast, but the concept feels irrelevant. All I can think of is how, when people talk of finding the right person for them, they often say they "just knew." I can't truly know where this will go, how or if it'll end. But it all just feels so big and so right. We're like puzzle pieces, our bodies and our hearts just... fit.

[AnnabelMore]

I thought about what I wrote just now and felt kind of reproachful towards myself. I've seen people -- not close friends, but friends -- lose all perspective with nre before and get burned. I need to remember that, no matter how good this feels, I can't make too many assumptions. I'm not going to try to pull things back, but I have to be careful not to set myself up for too big of a fall if things don't pan out somehow. Right now, the idea of being without him makes life seem awfully lonely.