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  #581  
Old 12-20-2012, 01:22 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Fuckfuckfuck, I can't even look at my stupid tumblr dashboard because it's full of images of male sexual submission. And I love that shit, duh, that's why I follow a bunch of blogs that post it, but all I can think about is her wanting a dude more than she wants me. About the idea that if I just had a fucking cock and a smooth chest she'd want me more. FUCK.

In forty-eight hours we'll be in bed together, so why am I freaking out. She's told me that she's plotting things for the threesome, presumably D/s things, but she won't tell me what, it's terribly exciting and awesome so why. Am. I. Freaking. Out.

I think I just feel like I've been so patient, I've been so goddamn patient and chill and I've enjoyed what we've been able to have, and I've been cool with needing to be the one to initiate, it's all been fine, I've been fine, she's been going through changes and I've gotten that, I've handled it. Mostly. And I've known about her thing with feeling more heterosexual, but when I let myself stop and think about it it's just so scary and painful. Fuck. That it should matter, what my bits are. Why should it matter. Fuck. I am not my fucking genitalia. If I had a cock, would all of this hard, painful stuff about her not making the time that I've wanted, about missing our intimacy, would it not even have been an issue because she would have wanted me enough to make it work?

Fuuuucccccckkkkkkk.

Don't mind me.

It's just nice to have a place to rant.
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 12-20-2012 at 06:32 AM.
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  #582  
Old 12-20-2012, 01:35 AM
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I look back at that last post and I am reminded how very very much I don't miss high school, because that is exactly what this feels like. Bleh. Fuck you, overwrought distress and longing and angst, get back to twelve years ago where you belong.
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  #583  
Old 12-21-2012, 04:45 PM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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*e-hugs*

Yeah, it's crazy how potent the potion of relationships can be, reducing us to an incoherent mess sometimes, as if we've still got all that tween/teen angst balled up in our darkest corners that we only get to touch when we're so so vulnerable... Maybe it's only other people that can reach in there.

I understand some of what you're feeling re: "how can I compete with cock"... It's hard to separate people's superficial (I mean this non-judgementally) preferences for body types/gender etc from their specifically-you desires. It's a complex thing, right? I like reminding myself that I'm grateful to be craved for all that I am, with my bodily manifestation being a temple where my lovers choose to honour me (and, of course, the reciprocal) rather than a more simplistic, physical relationship (which may be great but not what I most desire with my partners.)

If you have some relaxing self-care things you do to affirm yourself (a long bath or whatever) that you have time for before your date, could be good to get into a better mindspace to enjoy the planned time.

Another idea (and this is more twisted, but something I do with emotional bleargh sometimes) is recognising as much as you can about your feelings, where they're coming from etc, and packing them up in a way that can be incorporated into the play (however that works for you). Not sure if this makes sense, but in any case, my thoughts are with you
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  #584  
Old 12-21-2012, 07:39 PM
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T-minus four hours to threesome! I am looking forward to this to such an intense degree, I can't even tell you. Trying trying trying not to expect anything in particular... heck, just getting to be in bed with them both is exciting enough (three months since the last time we did this!)... but omfg, I want so bad for them to wreck me, gang up on me, hurt me, use me, errr... sorry, my kinks are showing.

That's not why I'm taking a moment to write, though. During my recent out-of-state trip, I went to a museum that took my breath away. It was almost painful, how much I wanted Gia to be able to see it too -- she loves the subject matter of that particular gallery even more than I do, and I just knew she'd be blown away. I wrote her an email that night, suggesting that maybe we could go back together, as a day trip, for my birthday this spring -- my parents could finance it as my bday present, was my thinking, as they're often at a loss for what to get me. I acknowledged that it'd feel a little silly, flying up in the morning and back down in the evening, but there'd be no other way to do it in a single day, and I figured that she's still not ready to leave Bee alone at night (I left unsaid the fact that she and Eric try to never ever spend the night apart -- it's kind of a big deal for them). She didn't respond to the email, but I didn't let it trouble me, I figured she was weighing the idea, that maybe it was either too much for her to accept, or too much time away from her family.

We spoke today and I mentioned the proposal. Turns out she likes the idea... and actually wants to do it as an overnight trip! She thinks she and Bee might be ready to be separated for 24 hours by then, and she spoke to Eric about breaking their "always sleep together if remotely possible" guideline and he said she should go for it.

I just stared at my screen for a minute, shocked and happy. That was really the last thing I'd been expecting. It'll be a big step for our relationship.

We used to spend the night together, the three of us, fairly regularly, back when Gia and I were first dating, in the year before she conceived Bee. I'd come over on the weekend, we'd hang out, have awesome group sex, and I'd leave some time the next day. Such a lovely feeling of intimacy, snuggled between the two of them. *sigh* Back then it really felt more like a triad in some ways... Gia and I hadn't gone too far yet in developing our emotional connection, and sex was almost always with all three of us, since 1) they were rarely apart, 2) we all wanted each other, and 3) Gia had a much easier time bypassing her anxiety that way. There was one single night during that time when I slept over and it was just the two of us, when Eric was away for work.

Things changed drastically when she got pregnant -- the sex stopped entirely, but I still spent the night a handful of times. During that time, the relationship became more of a pronounced vee, with Gia and I spending regular couple-time together at their place and making out a bit, while Eric and I kept our hands (and mouths) off each other and were simply friends and metamours.

Now, in the year and a half since Bee was born, the relationship no longer feels at all like a triad. Gia and I have put a lot of focus into building our emotional and physical connection, and have a very distinct relationship. Sex has hardly been frequent but it's been there, with threesomes now being the rarity. As for sleepovers, since they co-sleep with Bee, there literally hasn't been room for me. Several months ago, when Eric had to go on a business trip -- the first since that one two years before -- I slept in their bed, with Gia and the baby, for a few nights, which was terribly nice. And then, when we visited our friends at the beach house, the four of us shared a king-sized bed. But those occurrences were oddities, made possible by circumstance alone.

Now, for the first time in two-plus years, we'll be spending the night alone together again -- no husband, no baby. For the first time, it'll be because of circumstances of our own making. And it won't be in the bedroom she normally shares with her husband, it'll be someplace new, special, just for the two of us. On a trip just for us.

You guys, I can't stop smiling.
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 12-21-2012 at 07:43 PM.
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  #585  
Old 12-21-2012, 07:45 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Pregnancy alone can make your sex drive wonky. It took me 18 months - 2 years for my body to settle back down, with both my boys. I think it was a little longer with my second, but that was probably because of stress and exhaustion.

Glad you were able to express yourself and get what you needed in return.
Thank you for this, SN -- I keep trying to keep it in mind.
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  #586  
Old 12-21-2012, 07:50 PM
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All there is to say: Have fun! Today as well as hopefully on that night during your trip

Totally happy for you.
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  #587  
Old 12-21-2012, 08:02 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I really appreciate all the sympathetic thoughts, Fuchka, thank you. I think you're totally right about the way only people we love can take us to such an intense place, good or bad. Very good ideas about framing my physical relationships and about self-care. And I get what you're saying about the therapeutic uses of kink, definitely, though I don't think we're quite ready to go that deep.
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 12-21-2012 at 08:14 PM.
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  #588  
Old 12-21-2012, 09:09 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Phy View Post
All there is to say: Have fun! Today as well as hopefully on that night during your trip

Totally happy for you.
Eeeee, thanks!
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  #589  
Old 12-22-2012, 07:58 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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If you wanted to know how it went.

The short answer is: very well.

And the long answer is here (url split up due to paranoia):

http://plu

mb

at.tu

mblr.com/post/38529

926764/moments

It changes things, to not feel like I'm hiding something anymore. If I curl myself up against his side and squeeze his arm, I no longer have to wonder what he'll make of it. He knows and it's not a problem. I can be my whole self with no pretense and no apprehension.

In addition to all that, I gave them their holiday presents and they really liked them. We had dinner with my roommates. And then, the three of us went to an amazing show together, something Gia had never seen but had really wanted to, and all three of us were in tears from laughing.

Such a ridiculously good evening. Love from her, warmth from him, sex, food, friends, laughter, new experiences.

Aside from how happy all of it made me -- and it made me very, very happy -- I can't say how wonderful it was to see her lustful and relaxed and laughing and carefree. She's been on the verge of slipping into a depression the last few days, it's actually been kind of rough. She's been paying attention to it, facing it and fighting it valiantly, but she's just exhausted, her life can be so draining. I hope, so much, that this night, with two people who love her so deeply, can help carry her through the last of this piece of the season. If we're lucky, January will be a little calmer.
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  #590  
Old 12-22-2012, 08:29 AM
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Awww
I mean obviously it was hot and awesome but at the end of it all I could think was "awww, that's so sweet". I'm glad you all had such a wonderful time!
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