the story of a secondary

[rory]

Way to go in expressing yourself. I am sure in the moment it must have been intense, but it seems it was perhaps good that it came out and you didn't have time to convince yourself out of it.

[AnnabelMore]

Originally Posted by rory

Way to go in expressing yourself. I am sure in the moment it must have been intense, but it seems it was perhaps good that it came out and you didn't have time to convince yourself out of it.

Ugh, you are sooo right. I'm a decent enough actor (I studied it in school, and do local shows now and then for fun), plus I think I've got a pretty good mental understanding of my emotions, so, between those two things, I usually can control what I show and what I don't show. Like I try never to emotionally lie, but I don't always emotionally tell the truth?

I feel like this is a good thing, in that it often gives me more control over how I approach situations (like, should I discuss this difficult emotional topic with you now, when you're highly distracted and already upset about something else, or later, when we both can focus?) but it can also be a bad thing, as it sometimes gives me the option to put off facing hard stuff indefinitely. :/

Something I've gotta work on, I suppose, deciding for myself where I want to draw the line between respectful restraint on the one hand and being untrue to myself and my peeps on the other...

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

Something I've gotta work on, I suppose, deciding for myself where I want to draw the line between respectful restraint on the one hand and being untrue to myself and my peeps on the other...

Oh yes! Indeed, it is a tricky balancing act sometimes. I can really relate to that. It takes so much self-awareness and breaking away from old patterns of thinking that cloud our perception of things.

[AnnabelMore]

Last night's date: A little shopping, walking around downtown, fancy dinner (candle on the table!) with cocktails, brief hangouts with nearby friends, mixed drinks provided by my drunk and boisterous roommates, almost two hours together in my room, massage, jokes, conversations, playful and sexy yanking on my collar-like necklace, lots of kissing, orgasms, wax play.

*sigh* And the things she said. Told me how beautiful I was, how much she loves my face, how good it was to see me smile like that. Visibly worked through her anxiety and let me touch her, hold her, love her. Loved me back.

Hard to imagine how it could have been better. SO grateful and calm today.

[AnnabelMore]

Eric said that the potatoes au gratin I made were the best ever!!!

...

Oh god, I'm so pathetic sometimes.

[Phy]

Nothing pathetic about getting in high spirits because of a compliment a dear person makes. I only appreciate compliments from persons close to me at all in a 100% fashion. Don't care that much about the opinion of others

Great that your 'pleaser-side' got petted

[AnnabelMore]

Gia has been persistently and gently pursuing Dexter, the shy, sweet boy she has a crush on. The pattern has been that she suggests they hook up, he gives some reason it wouldn't be a good idea (mainly related to his criminally low self-esteem), she seeks clarification, rinse and repeat. Well, this afternoon he finally began moving in a different direction, asking her how it would look if something happened between them. Woah!

So happy for her! So freaked out about the ways this could end up being really hard to take!

I could go on for paragraphs about the nuances of my feelings about this development, but I'm trying to focus on it less rather than more at the moment, so I'll simply repeat what I told her: "I'm fine with you hanging out with Dex an unlimited amount of time, I'm fine with you making out with him an unlimited amount of time, and I'm fine with you sleeping with him once. But after that, if you end up making more room for one-on-one time with him than you do with me, or possibly even an equal amount of time, I will be insanely jealous. I'm pretty sure that's where I'm at."

She assured me that she has her priorities in order. I'm torn between going into more detail with her about my needs and my take on this, and not belaboring my point.

Here's how I know I'm dealing with some teenager-level angst about this: Nine Inch Nails is helping my mood.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

I'll simply repeat what I told her: "I'm fine with you hanging out with Dex an unlimited amount of time, I'm fine with you making out with him an unlimited amount of time, and I'm fine with you sleeping with him once. But after that, if you end up making more room for one-on-one time with him than you do with me, or possibly even an equal amount of time, I will be insanely jealous. I'm pretty sure that's where I'm at."

She assured me that she has her priorities in order.

Wow, I am so glad that you spoke up for yourself in such a direct and non-confrontational way. I think you expressed your reaction/needs very well and succinctly. I am wondering how the conversation started - did Gia go to you and specifically ask you how you feel about it, and if you'd be okay with it? Was she looking for a temperature check with you on that? Or did she simply tell you about the progress with Dexter in conversation, after which you stated your feelings?

[AnnabelMore]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Wow, I am so glad that you spoke up for yourself in such a direct and non-confrontational way. I think you expressed your reaction/needs very well and succinctly. I am wondering how the conversation started - did Gia go to you and specifically ask you how you feel about it, and if you'd be okay with it? Was she looking for a temperature check with you on that? Or did she simply tell you about the progress with Dexter in conversation, after which you stated your feelings?

Thanks! She was telling me about the unexpected turn of events, I talked with her about it for a while, and then stated my feelings. It woulda been nice if she'd actively checked in, I suppose, but, to be fair, I've known for months about her interest in Dex and have been advising her on how to pursue him, and have also freely admitted that 1) I have some mixed feelings, and 2) I want her to have this. So, she already knew at least the basics of how I felt.

She's been clear that this isn't meant to be a dating arrangement, just friendship and sex. And, well, I pretty much didn't check in with her, during her pregnancy, before sleeping with various friends. Like, I asked once early on if she wanted me to check in before I slept with someone new, or even to tell her afterwards, and she said she was fine either way, so I just went forward and didn't think much of it. Some things I mentioned to her, some things I didn't. I actually had to tell *three* guys that the "benefits" portion of our friendship was being revoked when Davis and I made our arrangement (the only one who was significant enough in my life to mention in this blog was Harry, but, yeah, I'm a bit of a slut when I have no reason not to be... mmmm, sex). Whereas, on her end, part of her approach with Dex has been to say "Hey. I'd like to eventually sleep with more than two people in my entire life. It would be *awesome* if one of them was you. But if not, that's totally cool too." All of this is to say that for me to in any way try to prevent her from exploring this crush would be the height of unfairness.

Finally, I think I've just accepted the fact that because I have SO much more time and space and leftover mental energy these days than she does, and because I'm kinda more naturally introspective to begin with, it's gonna be up to me to bring up a lot of things if I want them to get talked about when I'm ready to talk about them. It's also generally up to me to initiate intimacy. It'd be nice if things were more balanced, but I understand why they're not, and I'm cool with it. What matters to me is that she listens, that she wants to know how I feel, and that she has enough reflective capacity to really hear me and engage.

I know I probably over-answered your question, but it gave me some food for thought.

[AnnabelMore]

Gia and I hung out with Bee a few nights ago while Eric worked. I made dinner, she took care of some things, we juggled the boy, it was very chill. Near the end of the evening, Eric finished what he was doing and put the baby to bed, leaving her and I a little time to relax.

She asked me if I would rub her feet. We sat facing each other, in separate chairs. I rested my feet on either side of her thighs, she rested hers in my lap.

"My New Year's resolution," she said, "is to make sure that you have opportunities to use up the rest of this bottle."

It was a lovely thing to hear. I know that she has a lot of trouble accepting people doing things for her -- it can make her feel passive and anxious and even trapped. And I know that she knows how much touch and service mean to me. So, this is something she'd be doing both for herself and for me.

As I rubbed her feet, and she sipped tea, I talked a little. I told her that I felt silly for having so badly misjudged things during our art class date the other week. I mean, months ago we actually discussed the idea of going to this very art class as a date and explicitly agreed that we could have a date and just do an activity together and not do anything else. She waved it off and said it was ok. It's nice -- and, actually, really important -- for me to know that it's ok for me to be unreasonable now and then. Obviously I don't want to make unreasonableness a habit, but when I'm always the calm, measured one, I begin to wonder if I'd still be accepted if I were to slip up. Now I know that the answer is yes.

The main thing that I take from that whole sequence of events is that this is what can happen when you try to push past your limits and it turns out that, no, that wasn't something flexible -- it was actually a hard limit. I knew that, if we were only going to commit to dates every other month, I needed them to include some time for intimacy (not necessarily sex). She pushed back on that. I yielded because I felt that I had no choice. Indeed, if I had held firm on that point, I think our relationship might have been in trouble -- she strongly felt like she couldn't offer more than she was already offering. So, I tried to let go of something that I felt to be a need, I tried to push myself past my limits. But once it came to the point of the situation being tested, I reverted back to what I knew I needed without even really thinking about it.

Witnessing that, Gia chose to accept my need and work with it. Maybe she needed to actually witness it in action to understand and accept it, I don't know. But I do know that she made time for us to have what I needed as soon as she could, and that she's committing to changing herself in ways that will make it easier for my needs to be met in little ways, on an ongoing basis. I know that she's here in this with me, working like I'm working, to honor and support the connection we've forged together.

It feels really good. And, in feeling good and connected and supported, in feeling safe, my heart expands, and I look forward to the day when she can excitedly tell me how things went with Dexter. Maybe when it happens I will even be able to say, genuinely, that if they wanted to do it again, sooner rather than later, it would be ok with me. Or, of course, maybe not -- we'll see. It's interesting, to be someone who needs boundaries about my partner's newer relationships. I've actually never been in this position before.