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  #471  
Old 07-18-2012, 07:07 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Tonight I find myself wondering.

Can I really be ok with this indefinitely?

With as much as I love Gia, and as much as I love Bee, and as much as I care for Eric.

Always knowing that, in the end, they're a unit and I'm not a part of that in the same way that they are. Chances seem good that I can't be. No matter how much they might care for me back, I don't see this ever evolving into a co-primary situation. He's the one in her bed every night and in her life every day, and that's just how it is, I wouldn't ever change that even if I could because what they give each other is far too important. Maybe in some fantasy future they'll have better paying jobs and a bigger house and they'll get a king-sized bed, and I'll be welcome in it whenever I want, and I can sleep with Davis half the nights and sleep with them the other half, but, yeah, not in any actually remotely foreseeable future will this happen.

I don't know that Eric could ever be comfortable with that far-fetched future vision even if it WERE feasible, with sharing on that level. If his heart and soul worked differently than they do, maybe this would all be different, but they don't, and it's not. His life is his wife and his child and everything else is a far distant third, and there's not room in there, that I can see, for someone else to make a secure and permanent home. I could find ways to convince myself that it's possible, but they would be self-delusions right now, and I want to avoid that at any cost. Gia herself has said to me that she doesn't task this relationship with lasting forever, just with lasting as long as is sensible, whatever that means exactly.

Can I really be ok with the idea of this being a secondary relationship forever?

Can I really deal with the idea of always being important, but not AS important?

Can I really be ok with knowing that I hold our relationship to a higher level of commitment in my heart than she does?

Can I really be ok with the fact that she never sleeps apart from him, because he can't sleep without her, so unless he goes away on another business trip like he last did more than two years ago now, she and I just don't ever get to sleep alone together (for the record, she did say once that if I absolutely needed this, she would consider negotiating with him for it, but I'm not sure how I could ever bear to ask, and it's all moot anyway for the time being because of Bee)?

Will there come a point at which getting just a portion of what I want is too painful?

Gia trusts me like almost no one else. She considers me when she makes decisions, she thinks of me when I'm not around, she wants me, she loves me. She is growing, with an eye towards helping to fulfill my desires. She is letting her child fall in love with me. She is making space for me wherever she can. And god, I just want to fall into this love, I just want to be there, with her, with them, all the time. I want to commit and I want to signal my commitment to the world. I want to get my love tattooed onto my skin, made visible and real, and I want that urge to be welcomed and warmly accepted and even reciprocated, not considered odd or creepy or too-much or crazy or (in my worst fears) pathetic.

I want to stop waiting. I want to stop, even just for a little while, being the one that's strong and flexible and patient and understanding and reasonable and rational and giving. I just want. And I know she does too.

I think I would feel a million times better if I could just take Gia out to dinner at a nice restaurant, maybe with a candle on the table, and talk with her softly for hours and get tipsy, and walk back to my place arm in arm, pressed into each other, and then curl up in my bed together, and kiss, and hold, and touch, and be. One night shouldn't be too much to ask. So I'm holding onto the idea that this can happen, that this is possible, after our camping trip. I want to fall asleep with her, but I have no idea when that might become possible again.

Ugh, I feel like a teenager in all the worst ways.

Why is this all coming up now? Does it have something to do with us beginning to explore D/s, and that stirring deep feelings in me? Or, at almost three years in, at almost two years since she got the positive result on the pregnancy test and everything started changing, am I just hitting my limit? Should I, *can* I, pull back emotionally to preserve my ability to keep doing this, keep being present without it being too painful? Is this just something I need to ride out, something that will pass? Will I be a huge mess when we go camping in a couple of weeks, or will I be laughing at this bout of late night maudlin introspection by then?

Maybe I just need to be clearer about my needs, now that they're coming into sharper focus. Maybe I need to insist on a date night once a month, just us, whether we stay in or go out. If Eric actually does do the once-a-week-taking-Bee-to-be-with-friends thing that Gia was mentioning, then there will be a space for it. Or maybe I just need to focus on Davis and on myself, and to try to think of her less.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 07-18-2012 at 07:14 AM.
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  #472  
Old 07-18-2012, 07:20 AM
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And why on earth am I focusing so heavily on sleeping arrangements and mundane life entanglements, on the things that Eric shares with Gia that I don't, when those things aren't keeping their relationship from being strained? Why on earth would I suddenly choose NOW to become jealous, now that there doesn't seem to be too much to be jealous of?? Why now, when she is dying just to take a shower in peace, when a nap alone means the world to her, am I desperate for her time???

What the hell?

Is there some kind of hormone thing going on with me?
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #473  
Old 07-18-2012, 07:33 AM
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Don't have advice, but take care.. *hugs*
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  #474  
Old 07-18-2012, 07:33 AM
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Oh Annabel, your first lines really scared me. I instantly sympathized with Gia in a way. I am so afraid of one of my loves saying that they are missing something, get impatient and are waiting for something I haven't been able to provide. It's stupid little fear, I know our situation is different than yours, I know that I am doing all I can and that my men are unlikely to complain for now but I still dread this.

But I know what I would want them to do if this would ever be the case: speak up! If you are doubting your ability to be the picture perfect secondary girlfriend, happy with what she is able to get out of this, tell Gia. She needs to know. You are right, there is a lot on her plate right now, maybe you can wait for the chance she mentioned. A possible change is seemingly in your reach and not that far away. If you feel able to wait for it, do so and don't burden her till then. But if things don't change and you still like now, say something. I am pretty sure, that she wouldn't want you to suffer like this.

Change won't come along as long as you keep quiet. Just think about the right time to tell her. Could she possibly change anything about this situation before the camping trip? If no, wait for the changes she mentioned herself. If yes, is there something you could suggest she would (realistically) be able to do to help you feel more at ease right now?

I really hope you find a solution. Feeling for you.
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  #475  
Old 07-18-2012, 07:45 AM
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I'm not going to let myself get sucked any further into this stupid angst hole. I'm listening to the song that Gia told me reminded her of us, on that awesome night, just a week ago, when she put tape over my mouth. <3 I really do love this song.

Things change. It's what things do. At first, it was just sex. Then came the relationship, but I didn't know if I could bring myself to say I love you. Then we did. I discovered that I had this crazy urge to submit to her and I didn't know if she could possibly want or accept that, but I was brave and I asked and then I was patient and I waited. I had another D/s partner in the meantime, in Harry, I could have dove into that to fill the void, or I could have found someone else, but I knew I wanted her. And now, two years later, it's finally becoming real.

None of us knew what it would be like when Bee came. I watched him tonight, I held him and walked around their neighborhood and I told him the names of all the cars we passed (he's very interested in watching cars go by), we played little games, I sang songs to him and he laughed. When he cries he reaches out for me to pick him up. I love him and I get so excited about the idea of being around to see him become the person he's going to be.

Things change, and we can't predict them. As long as we're still loving and growing and trying, there's no point in despair. It's supposed to be hard right now, anyone could have predicted that this would be hard, it will probably be hard for years but, as always, I look inside myself and ask "well, do you want to leave then?" and the answer remains a resounding "NO."
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #476  
Old 07-18-2012, 12:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
What the hell?

Is there some kind of hormone thing going on with me?
Dear woman, I think you just love deconstructing problems and issues and tossing serious things over in your mind. You love clarity, you can't stand uncertainty. You love questioning things, questioning everything! You like having projects and working them through to a conclusion. You enjoy directing your energies toward building and rebuilding something so it feels like a tangible accomplishment. If you look back over your blog, I bet you will find many instances where things are sailing along smoothly and yet you didn't let it be for long and, instead, wrestled with some demon/question/process/decision. You are not someone who rests on her laurels for very long.

Maybe you need a hobby?
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  #477  
Old 07-18-2012, 04:58 PM
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As a mom, who is dating a dad (as well as being married to one), I sympathize with you a lot on this, Annabel. I hope you can figure out how you'd like to proceed.
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  #478  
Old 07-18-2012, 08:28 PM
Jaynine Jaynine is offline
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Red face

I completely relate to you. I am in a relationship with a married couple. I live with them in their home with their kids, and every second week, my son too. I have a space of my own downstairs. My girlfriend has had huge insecurities about this relationship but she doesnt want me to leave. I get lonely at times. And funnily enough, like u i crave for the mundane things like sleeping together, see my link "sleeping arrangements" but sometimes i hear them arguing in bed and i think, im not missing out. My gf tells me that her hubby doesnt like kissing her much, especially not during sex, and me and bf kiss amazingly, so i know i should focus on the good things. The amazing love we all share. The life we could have together. Gf has come a long way in past year......i just have to be patient, like you. Easier said than done tho! Hang in there.
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  #479  
Old 07-18-2012, 11:47 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Thanks for your words, all, I really do appreciate it. Especially hearing from the parents... as much as I sometimes think I totally get what it's like for them, it never hurts to be reminded how much it impacts everything.

@Phy -- Yup, I know that I need to talk to her. This all just went from simmering to boiling for me so quickly, and at such an inconvenient time, I didn't expect it!

In our emails, I laid out a need and the feelings behind it, she made the space to meet my need while being clear that it would take away from something else she needed. The knowledge that she was willing to do that was enough for me not to have to take her up on it. As for what comes next, there's really nothing to do but wait until our trip is over and there's more breathing room. Maybe we'll have a serious talk during the course of the trip, but if not then I'll definitely bring it up not long after we get back. I think what I need is to know that, at least once a month, we'll set aside time to go out and do something just for us, whether it's a quick lunch or a full-on dinner date.

@Nyc -- You're not wrong on many counts, I do like to have something to chew on. And I almost certainly could stand to ruminate less and focus on my practical life more -- I haven't done any gardening this year, for example, which is unusual for me. The hormones comment was actually coming from the fact that I recently found out that I have a common hormonal disorder that I need to look into managing.

Today I reread two things that gave me some perspective.

One was that letter about the concept of family that I addressed to both of them and never sent. I wrote that almost a year ago and I feel exactly the same now. So, for a year I've kept that sentiment to myself, acting on it and embodying it without verbalizing it, and I've survived, and experienced many wonderful things with her/them, while at the same time I've found myself coming to a place of frustration. Looking back at it and thinking about where we all were then, I really do think that it would have freaked Eric out and been more than Gia could quite accept. Not sure how they'd take it now, but I still think it's not the right time.

The other was the email conversation we had back in February where I talked at length about my thoughts on commitment. To quote the post in which I paraphrased her response:

"She went on to say that she had been "mostly aware"of my commitment to her and was sad she couldn't respond with the "fervor" she felt it deserved, but that she knows herself well enough to know that she's not there emotionally yet and that she still has trust issues to get past, not because of anything I've done but because that's just how she is. It took her a long time to get to where she is with Eric. Like, a loooong time. Which I knew. It's just funny, I feel like she's let me into her life so far that it's surprising to remember that there are still barriers.

She also said that in a way she feels "regret" that she already has a primary and thus has limited resourcesfor furthering other interpersonal connections, which I get. But of course she can't change that, neither of us would want her to, and she's living her life to the fullest she can. She said that she has never charged our relationship with the duty to last forever, just to last as long as is sensible, and that she feels like that makes her commitment "less serious" than mine but that she fully appreciates my commitment even when she can't repay or reciprocate it in all the same ways."

It's good to be reminded that we have, in fact, talked over some of these things. Her childhood and young adulthood was kind of a mess of emotional abuse, abandonment and betrayal. She's come out of it remarkably resilient and whole but, yeah, trust issues. Makes sense. My choices are 1) to accept what she can give while giving my whole self and hoping that it spurs her to be able to give more (what I've been doing), 2) to accept what she can give while pulling back in order to protect my heart, or 3) to walk away entirely.

I'm going to keep communicating, and keep feeling out what I need to stay closer to #1 than #2, because I do want to see, still, if this can be more. I feel like we might be on the cusp of something, and there have been such wonderful moments in the midst of it all that I don't think would have happened, or at least wouldn't have had the same resonance for me, if I'd been in #2 mode. Some really unpleasant things would have to happen for me to even begin contemplating #3.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 07-19-2012 at 01:14 AM.
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  #480  
Old 07-18-2012, 11:59 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
@SNeacail -- I get it, I do, as much as I can since I'm not actually dealing with what she's dealing with. I feel like such an ass for complaining when I *know* that she's having a much harder time than I am right now. Thank you for the perspective and advice. Once a month would be a dream at this point in terms of actual, planned dates. But the whole "Getting out for even 2 hours is a major accomplishment." thing is easy for me to lose sight of when my life is SO different, it's good to be reminded.

@BD -- Yeesh, kinda scary to hear that it's not necessarily gonna get much easier for another 17 years, and that's assuming that they don't have more kids, which they may... still, you guys are making it work, yeah?
Yes, we are making it work. It's a little easier because we can skype pretty much every day. (he doesn't text or even own a cell phone for that matter_
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